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Original poster

Today is the day I leave my husband

102 replies

Confusedcorona · 25/06/2020 11:26

It's been on my mind for a couple of years now. In the last year I have made no effort to try and keep the peace anymore, which has spiralled. We aren't compatible and sadly I don't love him anymore (lots of backstory, but this is irrelevant)

I have packed my bags. I'm about to pack my children's bags and we are going to stay at my parents until I can work out where we can live. (Children are very young and don't understand what is going on)

Can anyone who has left their husbands please give me the steps they did on this day? How do I tell him? Should I have the children with us? I don't want to leave and just take the children with me as I think this would be too distressing for him. Im thinking about leaving one child with him and I'll take the other for a few days before we establish what is going to happen.

I can't tell him and live under the same roof. It's a small house and it would be too stressful.

I sound quite cold. But I am having a moment of calm and need to ask advice on what I need to do...

OP posts:
Howmanysleepsnow · 25/06/2020 11:33

I talked to him without the children present. I explained to them later in a much less emotionally charged environment.
I’d also take both children- it gives him space to come to terms with the idea without a child having to witness that, and also avoids any feelings of abandonment/ favouritism etc

Funnyface1 · 25/06/2020 11:45

I'm sorry, I don't have any experience of this but I would definitely take both children. Don't leave one with a man whose just received this kind of news. Plus they will need the stability of knowing that although things are changing, you are not leaving them.

Also tell him without them present would be my thoughts.

Hushabusha · 25/06/2020 11:47

I have no experience of this but please don't leave one child behind

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PotteringAlong · 25/06/2020 11:47

Take both or neither. And definitely don’t tell him with them present! How would that play out?!

Does he have no idea at all that it’s over? I’ve never done it, but having bags packed, him coming home to you and the children walking out of the door does not seem like the best way.

Ughmaybenot · 25/06/2020 11:49

Well done for reaching the right decision for you and being brave enough to action it.
Take both children or neither, leaving one behind is a truly terrible idea and for goodness sake, do not have them there when you do it, that would be dreadful.

Ughmaybenot · 25/06/2020 11:52

My parents did an awful lot wrong, but they actually handled their separation quite well. They ‘decided’ between themselves, and then mum spoke to us all quietly and gently said what was happening, but with no bullshit to ‘soften the blow’, and dad moved out that day.
Are you normally the primary caregiver? If so, Why would your husband not be the one to move out? It seems unfair to uproot your children unnecessarily.

Horsemad · 25/06/2020 11:54

I really think you should take both DC and do NOT discuss your plans with him until you are safely at your parents. It is a well known fact that the most dangerous time for women in an abusive relationship is when her partner knows she's planning to leave.

Hailtomyteeth · 25/06/2020 11:55

Leaving a child is not a sensible option. It is very hurtful to the child and might put the child at risk of harm from the father. You can just leave, and have the conversation later, if need be. Take your children and go to your parents.

Sunnydayshereatlast · 25/06/2020 11:56

I moved out with bare minimum stuff. The plan was share dc - the house had just had a damp course done and stunk. Plan was first night with MY dc downstairs and windows open upstairs until OUR dc came. He told them I had left them because I didn't want them. Took years for our relationship to recover . Those couple of days caused immeasurable damage.
Do not leave any dc behind op. Can you have someone there with you when you tell him? Take any important documents and your dc's stuff.

BogRollBOGOF · 25/06/2020 11:56

Do not separate the children. There is a very, very high chance it will be interpreted as rejection. Decades on, a family member is still profoundly affected by being split from a sibling during a divirce. They need all the stability you can offer them.

Good luck.

missbipolar · 25/06/2020 11:58

Why do you care what it does to him? He clearly hasn't cared about you are the kids at all. Write a letter and DONT tell him where you staying and the leave. Block him on socials and his number set up a new email to communicate with him solely about the kids. And dont offer visitation at all- let him go down the legal route he probably won't even bother with the kids

blissfulllife · 25/06/2020 12:00

I agree do not leave one or both the children. I left mine with relatives while I broke the news to my husband. He didn't take it well so I'm very glad they didn't have to witness it. I then made sure he had a few days to calm down before he saw the children. Made it very clear I'd never withhold contact and I wanted this to be as easy as possible for their sake.

stophuggingme · 25/06/2020 12:03

Please do not leave one child behind
That is a dreadful thing to do. I can’t get my head around that.

Put yourself in that little child’s shoes. Imagine your mother leaving you

onalongsabbatical · 25/06/2020 12:08

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately backstory is a bit relevant because all of these decisions depend on how you think he might react. If you think he could be violent it's better to leave and not tell him, for instance.
But definitely take both children, otherwise either or both children will start to think all sorts of terrible things about being abandoned or responsible, and you must do all you can to keep the children as safe and happy as is possible.

okiedokieme · 25/06/2020 12:10

I would suggest taking your stuff and the kids to your parents then coming to speak to him alone. Offer to bring the kids tomorrow to see him and set up an interim access plan starting straight away. I'm guessing he isn't aware what is happening. I would also reassure him that you will do everything to facilitate his relationship with the kids because this break up is about you two and not the kids. Promise to keep communication lines open and the kids needs must be considered, no point scoring!

arapunzel · 25/06/2020 12:10

Take both DC or leave both DC.

Potentially outing - when my parents split, my mother took my sibling with her, and left me. I never lived with her again as my dad fought for custody and won. Whilst I love my dad, I never forgave my mother for leaving me.

Siblings belong together.

AudacityOfHope · 25/06/2020 12:13

My Ex was the left behind child and he never got over it; his relationship with his mum was one of acquaintances AT BEST.

Rainycloudyday · 25/06/2020 12:13

Unless there is a back story involving abuse or something, which it doesn’t sound like there is, then what gives you the right to expect you can take both your shared children away from him? If you’ve decided the relationship is over and you want to leave, that’s one thing. If he decides he doesn’t want his children taken away from him, what then? Are you prepared for 50/50 custody? When there are kids involved I don’t think you get to just announce one day that you’re off and walk right out with them in tow. You should have talked to him and worked out jointly what to do about custody of your JOINT children. All that is said with the big caveat of there not being a bad backstory, of course, but your OP sounds like you just don’t want to be with him anymore. Which is fair enough but when its splitting up a family you have to take it all a bit more seriously than just walking out one day and assuming you get to take the kids with you, with no prior discussion. Is it in their best interests to be taken away from their home?

Rainycloudyday · 25/06/2020 12:15

@Horsemad

I really think you should take both DC and do NOT discuss your plans with him until you are safely at your parents. It is a well known fact that the most dangerous time for women in an abusive relationship is when her partner knows she's planning to leave.
Where does it say that it’s an abusive relationship, have I missed something?
Rainycloudyday · 25/06/2020 12:16

@missbipolar

Why do you care what it does to him? He clearly hasn't cared about you are the kids at all. Write a letter and DONT tell him where you staying and the leave. Block him on socials and his number set up a new email to communicate with him solely about the kids. And dont offer visitation at all- let him go down the legal route he probably won't even bother with the kids
That’s a very aggressive post against the husband, not based on very much information at all from the OP Confused
gamerchick · 25/06/2020 12:20

Don't leave behind one kid, it might bite you on the arse later. Is he their main carer? Why are you leaving, is it his house?

If you need space then take the children and go. You can think more clearly when out of it.

Spied · 25/06/2020 12:21

I'd take both DC to my parents (with some of my belongings) then I'd return later to talk and tell him that it's the end of the road and take the rest of my stuff.
Where is he now?
I'd make sure I'm in the back in the house when he returns (so he's not simply and blissfully thinking you and DC have popped out for an hour) and tell him straight away.

Horsemad · 25/06/2020 12:25

@Rainycloudyday, it doesn't specifically mention abuse but even non abusive men can flip if they find out their partner is planning to leave.

I wouldn't take the risk OP. Get out and then let him know.

Thanosatemthamster · 25/06/2020 12:26

If you have somewhere you can go temporarily - a friends or a family member, then take the children there and you will be able to return to have The Talk. Possibly he might decide too he out? If he doesn't know what's coming there is likely to be a big scene that you don't want children witnessing.

HelloCanYouHearMe · 25/06/2020 12:43

When I left, I took DS to my parents then went back to the house, sat down with DP and told him I was leaving and why. I'd already packed a few bits, so then I just put everything else that DS and I needed and left.

Please do not leave one child behind

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