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Original poster

Today is the day I leave my husband

102 replies

Confusedcorona · 25/06/2020 11:26

It's been on my mind for a couple of years now. In the last year I have made no effort to try and keep the peace anymore, which has spiralled. We aren't compatible and sadly I don't love him anymore (lots of backstory, but this is irrelevant)

I have packed my bags. I'm about to pack my children's bags and we are going to stay at my parents until I can work out where we can live. (Children are very young and don't understand what is going on)

Can anyone who has left their husbands please give me the steps they did on this day? How do I tell him? Should I have the children with us? I don't want to leave and just take the children with me as I think this would be too distressing for him. Im thinking about leaving one child with him and I'll take the other for a few days before we establish what is going to happen.

I can't tell him and live under the same roof. It's a small house and it would be too stressful.

I sound quite cold. But I am having a moment of calm and need to ask advice on what I need to do...

OP posts:
EmpressSuiko · 25/06/2020 14:57

Please don’t leave one child behind, it destroyed my family when this happened and the siblings were separated for at years and even now after being reunited they don’t get on well as they never grew up together, I’m not saying this would happen but you don’t know how he’ll react to you leaving.
Take both children with you, personally I’d take the children to your mothers first and then return to have a private chat with him about it all.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 25/06/2020 15:07

It doesn't sound to me like you've thought through the logistics of this in enough detail to go today, unless he is abusive in which case of course your priority is to get out with the kids to a safe place. I am not a sibling and only have one child but of course you cannot split them up to make your husband feel better. I agree with whoever said get some legal advice, unless as I say this is an emergency and you are not safe at home.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 25/06/2020 15:09

I am not saying revisit your decision to leave in principle - I respect your decision and support you 100% - but you need to have some sort of idea of what you are doing and what you are permitted to do I think.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
bellsbuss · 25/06/2020 15:23

Just imagine if a man posted on here saying he was leaving his wife and taking his children , there would be merry hell. Unless he is abusive I think it's a disgusting thing for OP to do.

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 25/06/2020 15:29

You don't know how he'll react to you leaving and you don't know if he will neglect basic childcare whilst wallowing in his own self pity.

Also, don't rely on the idea that they're too young to remember, children have remembered much more obscure things from a much earlier age. Would you want one of them remembering that mummy decided to leave them behind? I have a vivid memory of my mother leaving when I was 2.5yo. And she even came back within half an hour because she changed her mind and didn't want to leave her children.

If that seems harsh, I am sorry, but it is true. Do what you need to do to break free of a miserable relationship but don't make selfish decisions regarding your children, even if you think it's going to help your husband to feel better.

Chickychickydodah · 25/06/2020 15:36

Take both kids with you , breakups are hard but to leave one behind is heartbreaking .

OhioOhioOhio · 25/06/2020 15:37

You need to congratulate yourself on having the balls to do it.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 25/06/2020 15:48

You don’t leave until you are ready. Divorces are like weddings, as long as he is not violent you need to spend some time planing what your future life would be like, where are you going to live, how are you going to support yourself and most importantly, saving for the big day. Once you have everything in place you move on (which is NOT the same as “move out”) and you only tell the children you are splitting when you can answer their questions about where they are going to live and how often they will see the other parent and where.

By all means leave him if you think that’s the best option but do when you are in a good place to start your new life, rushing decisions can get you into a life of misery for years to come. I do concur with others that taking one child on the day you leave him and leave the other behind is a stupid idea, do you want your child to witness all the fall out and anger if his dad or even be at the receiving end of that anger because you found it convenient to leave him behind as you dropped the bombshell?

OhYeahYouSuck · 25/06/2020 16:29

Posters have been telling you their suggestions. Do not leave 1 behind. The fact they are young will mean that's even more confusing for them and the one left will be looking for you. Put your children first, not your husband.

Also don't leave and leave them behind. That's a shitty thing for a mother to do. No matter if you intend to collect them on Sunday. You have no guarantee your husband will let you take them on Sunday.

Take them to your parents, then return home and break the news to him then go back to your parents.

OldLace · 25/06/2020 16:47

If you are going to leave, then you take BOTH kids to eg your parents.
You sit him down and tell him. Or just hand him the letter and wait.
You tell him you understand he has rights as a Father to see the kids.
You have some initial discussions about this. Arrange a visit soon.

You cannot surely mean to leave one child behind so you feel better about your husband feeling less abandoned by you?
My Mother left my 3 year old half brother behind when she left.
I am surprised he speaks to her now.
He also hates me, as I was not left behind.
NOT a good idea, even for 'a few days'.
Don't leave BOTH of them either, unless you want to risk not seeing them again (worst case scenario) or them being very upset (that might not show for years but it might be there all the same)

Leave him, yes, but calmly, with dignity and allow him to have adult only space to process how he feels about it.

edwinbear · 25/06/2020 16:53

How are you going to pick which child you take and which you leave? Confused. The poor DC who watches mummy leave with their sibling whilst they are left behind Sad. You're not thinking straight OP.

Ernieshere · 25/06/2020 16:57

I hope you took both DC, It would not be wise to leave one at all. Never.

I am glad your family know, but you must tell them if you meet DH, where & when.

MrsPerfect12 · 25/06/2020 17:00

Please don't leave one child, you have no guarantee that he'll allow you to take that child once you have left.

FabbyChix · 25/06/2020 18:25

What’s with the if he isn’t abusice you shouldn’t leave? Why not do we have to stay with someone now who we don’t love or want to be with anymore

Pogmella · 25/06/2020 18:48

@fabbychix if the OP’s husband decided he was done and took the kids away one day would you support his decision too?

I’m not saying she should stay, but I think telling him clearly the relationship is over and possibly using a few weeks of counselling as time to adjust to the idea is far fairer and kinder on the rest of the family

MulticolourMophead · 25/06/2020 18:49

If this is not a violent relationship you do NOT have the right to just disappear with his children, leave without any warning and no discussion.

Violence is not the only form of abuse.

OP Don't leave either child behind. You are the primary caregiver, and you need to maintain that caregiving to ensure the smoothest transitions for your 'DC.

Also. as he is their dad, he also has PR. You may find that if you leqave one or both behind, he may choose to refuse you access to the DC. And as long as the DC are looked after, the police will NOT get involved without a court order in place.

It'll obviously depend on how he reacts to the news. And this may be a wrost case scenario. But this sort of thing does happen and you need to be prepared.

Rainycloudyday · 25/06/2020 20:11

@FabbyChix

What’s with the if he isn’t abusice you shouldn’t leave? Why not do we have to stay with someone now who we don’t love or want to be with anymore
No one is staying she shouldn’t leave the relationship. Just that she shouldn’t be unnecessarily cruel in how she does it. Once you marry someone and have children with them it’s not as simple as just walking out one day with no warning and never coming back. Yes that might be easier on the OP but it ceased being all about her when she created a family. Without abuse involved, there’s no excuse for upping and leaving with the children with no warning. As PPs have said, imagine the response if a poster said the father had done that.
MrMagooInTheLoo · 25/06/2020 20:39

Playing devil's advocate here. If no DV involved of course. If he left the relationship would you expect him to leave the family home and leave the kids in their home with you?

MulticolourMophead · 25/06/2020 21:26

@MrMagooInTheLoo

Playing devil's advocate here. If no DV involved of course. If he left the relationship would you expect him to leave the family home and leave the kids in their home with you?
I would. Because the DC are the priority and a roof over their heads while living with the primary carer is the right thing to do.
Haffdonga · 25/06/2020 21:33

How will you explain in the future to the child you leave behind that you chose to take their sibling and not them?

Even if they are too young to remember your exh will be sure to let them know and use it on court.

suchclearwater · 25/06/2020 22:44

For gods sake DO NOT leave one dc behind.

IdblowJonSnow · 25/06/2020 22:54

Take both kids. I wouldn't go back alone to speak to him. Leave him and letter explaining clearly what you're doing and tell him you'll call for a conversation.
Take passports, documents and kids favourite teddies/toys.
Hard to advise more without knowing a fuller story.
I can't help but think you're not thinking clearly from your idea of taking one child.

pinkkoala · 25/06/2020 23:51

Please take both your children, i left my now ex h 3 years ago after alot of emotional abuse and alot of police involvement, my ex h tried everything to stop me leaving, then when i did and he had our dd one night a week he would threaten suicide, send me suicidal texts, and even keyed his arm in front of dd.
You don't know what your husband will do once you tell him.

WhatCFeryIsThis · 26/06/2020 01:27

I really have to say @Confusedcorona I'm struggling to get on board with you here. Fair enough you have said that you are no longer compatible, no longer in love, perhaps you are miserable. You don't have to stay in a marriage that is making you unhappy.

But you're virtually ignoring all advice given, you appear determined to do what's best to ease your guilt whilst remaining completely unsympathetic to the hurt you will cause your children, and your husband.

If he is violent, coercive, controlling, verbally or sexually abusive, there are places that can help you. People here can also advise you.

But otherwise you are doing to your husband exactly what dozens of women on MN have had done to them - abandoning him, leaving on your terms, deciding what you want before you give any consideration to what the family wants. He will resent you. Your children might too.

I'd like to believe you're not selfish enough for this to be your goal. Some clarification would really help here. Please take a step back and consider why it needs to be this all or nothing approach before you do irreparable harm.

FedUpOfChangingName · 26/06/2020 01:44

Christ

I hope you didnt leave one child behind

And if you think at 2&3 that they wont know what is going on , you are very much mistaken.

I think writing a letter and up and leaving with the kids is gruel.

You've said nothing about him being abusive.
If this was the other way around, a husband and he was writing the same thing, even if he was "main carer" , "stay at home parent" or whatever, there would be uproar.

This is wrong on all levels.

Your children will understand, they are moving out of there home, and away from daddy and everything that they know.

Im not saying its the wrong thing to do, but you thinking your children wont be affected , is wrong