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Original poster

Today is the day I leave my husband

102 replies

Confusedcorona · 25/06/2020 11:26

It's been on my mind for a couple of years now. In the last year I have made no effort to try and keep the peace anymore, which has spiralled. We aren't compatible and sadly I don't love him anymore (lots of backstory, but this is irrelevant)

I have packed my bags. I'm about to pack my children's bags and we are going to stay at my parents until I can work out where we can live. (Children are very young and don't understand what is going on)

Can anyone who has left their husbands please give me the steps they did on this day? How do I tell him? Should I have the children with us? I don't want to leave and just take the children with me as I think this would be too distressing for him. Im thinking about leaving one child with him and I'll take the other for a few days before we establish what is going to happen.

I can't tell him and live under the same roof. It's a small house and it would be too stressful.

I sound quite cold. But I am having a moment of calm and need to ask advice on what I need to do...

OP posts:
notsureofname · 25/06/2020 12:44

In the absence of any back story, I totally agree with @rainycloudyday. Seems a very cruel way to go about things. No discussion just gone...

Original poster
Confusedcorona · 25/06/2020 12:53

I have read all your comments. Thank you for your advice.

When I said that I would take one child, I meant for a few days with the plan to bring the other along with me on Sunday. I didn't want him to think I was taking the children away from him as I thought leaving one might make this easier for him.

I have written a letter. I am not very articulate and am very emotional, so this letter has clearly explained my reasons for leaving. I have no intention of a back and forth. This is final. It's taken me a year to finally decide. This morning I just realised- it's now or never- how much longer can we continue.
Our children are 2&3, so they should hopefully not fully understand what is going on. They definitely will know something is up, but I don't think they will process it.

OP posts:
pilates · 25/06/2020 12:55

Definitely take both. Please don’t leave one behind, that sounds awful.

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Relationship problems
Original poster
Confusedcorona · 25/06/2020 12:57

Rainycloudyday

I want this to be the least cruel way to end our relationship.
Maybe I will leave the boys at home with him. I don't know. We need to come up with that decision together.
But for now, I have mentally planned to take them, or one at least with me.
They are our joint children, so I assumed 50/50 custody anyway. But for the first few days I can't see how 50/50 would work?

Please do give me your suggestions?

OP posts:
tvsnacks · 25/06/2020 12:58

Dont leave your children!

Sunnydayshereatlast · 25/06/2020 12:58

Do not leave one. Put your toddler's feelings about your dh's. He is a grown up. Take your dc. Please..

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/06/2020 13:00

Imagine being the child left behind. Its could be a volatile situation and he might refuse to give the child back when you return in a few days time. You don't know whether there will be an issue with collecting the child. Take both or none.
If you tell him you need a break and are taking kids to yr parents but will come back to talk about the situation.Then you can talk freely without upsetting the children. I think that would be the kindest way for all concerned. You will probably need to talk about access anyway.
You don't have to decide and there and then how the whole thing is going to work, you can tell him the headline but then say you both need some time to think about the arrangements. Hope you've got a solicitor you can call or CAB about what to do next.

indecisivewoman81 · 25/06/2020 13:00

Please don't leave one child behind. It will traumatise them. Speaking from experience

Megatron · 25/06/2020 13:02

If I were in your shoes I would absolutely take both children with me.

Is there any chance that he would be willing to move out?

Aquamarine1029 · 25/06/2020 13:02

When I said that I would take one child, I meant for a few days with the plan to bring the other along with me on Sunday.

Maybe I will leave the boys at home with him.

I can't believe you would even consider leaving one or both of your children. Your husband might become extremely distressed or angry when you leave and your children would be at his mercy. What if he refused to let you see him/them? What are you thinking?!

Take your children with you.

CormoranStrike · 25/06/2020 13:03

Take both DC - you have no idea how he will react to this news, so hVe your children together in a safe space when he finds out.

You can organise joint custody after when both of you are calm.

indecisivewoman81 · 25/06/2020 13:03

Please don't leave one child if even for a day.

If you are leaving them you need to be. Race and do it all in one go.

If you leave a child you will traumatise them. They will remember. The dad will remind them. You also may never get that one child back.

whatyouwalkingbout · 25/06/2020 13:04

If you are their main carer/attachment figure, you have to take both children with you. You may think they are too small to understand, but they are actually actually at an age (between 1.5 and 4) where abandonment leads to the worst problems later. They won't understand why you left them but they will definitely know that you left them. You don't have to prove to him that you're not stopping him seeing the children. You know that you're not and that's enough. Possibly (if he seems in the right state of mind to take care of them) tell him that you will arrange contact sharing the moment you get to your parents.

indecisivewoman81 · 25/06/2020 13:04

Brave not race sorry stupid phone

whatyouwalkingbout · 25/06/2020 13:05

And yes, you might not get the child you left back.

smartiecake · 25/06/2020 13:09

Take both children with you, i assume you are the main carer for the children?
Dont assume its 50/50. I think the courts now look at the children having one main home with the other parent having time with them. Like EOW/one night in the week. Especially at the ages yours are they are toddlers they need one main parent. Take them, your ex may be on the attack when you go and say you have abandoned one child. Take both, he can see them both in a few days if you are happy with this

ProseccoSupernova · 25/06/2020 13:10

Take both children and make it clear in the letter you have just done so to give him space to breathe and process the information, and that you will be in touch at the weekend to arrange for him to see them.

ToothFairyNemesis · 25/06/2020 13:12

Your post is not clear is you husband abusive ?

Sn0tnose · 25/06/2020 13:14

I get that you want to do this in the kindest way, but the physical and mental welfare of your children needs to come before that. It needs to come before him and his needs and before you and any attempts to make him feel better about the situation. You can’t put a child in the position where they are responsible for making a parent feel better that their wife has just left them. I know you said you’re feeling emotional but this is a bloody terrible idea.

Children are very adaptable. However, if you leave one of the children and take the other with you, you are potentially setting one of them up for a lifetime of ‘what was wrong with me? Why didn’t she want me?’

Funnyface1 · 25/06/2020 13:16

I know you only meant temporarily but from the outside looking in it's still a truly awful idea. Take them both.

Rainycloudyday · 25/06/2020 13:17

@Confusedcorona

Rainycloudyday

I want this to be the least cruel way to end our relationship.
Maybe I will leave the boys at home with him. I don't know. We need to come up with that decision together.
But for now, I have mentally planned to take them, or one at least with me.
They are our joint children, so I assumed 50/50 custody anyway. But for the first few days I can't see how 50/50 would work?

Please do give me your suggestions?

Well my first suggestion would be to treat your children the same and not choose one to take and one to leave Confused

Another suggestion would be to get someone to look after the children and sit down and have a discussion with your husband, before you pack yours and the kids bags. Have them out of the way when you tell him you want to separate but then decide together how to manage the first days/weeks. You don’t get to decide this unilaterally, they have two parents.

I’m glad to hear you’re intending on working together going forwards. Just bear in mind that if you’re choosing to leave the family home you don’t necessarily get to dictate who does and doesn’t go with you and when. The other option is to tell him it’s over but stay put until you’ve worked out a plan.

TeddyBeans · 25/06/2020 13:17

2 years olds might not know exactly what is happening but they know something is happening. My DS was 16 months old when his dad walked out. He didn't see the break up but he certainly felt the effects. Please don't leave your children behind, they need you

picklemewalnuts · 25/06/2020 13:20

Tell him you have taken them to your parents for a few days while you sort things out together- make clear that you are not abandoning the home or the children, just making some space for the 'what next' conversation to happen.

Does he work? Do you? What would he do about childcare if you had left one behind?

Susanna85 · 25/06/2020 13:21

Obviously do not take one child and leave the other. That's a really bad idea.

Otherwise, good for you and good luck!

MobLife · 25/06/2020 13:23

When you talk of leaving one of the children with your husband because it might soften the blow, what you're doing is prioritising the needs of your husband above those of your children

A child should not be used as a tool to support the emotional needs of an adult

Your children are so incredibly small, and unless your husband is their main caregiver then they must remain together and with you

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