Today is the day I leave my husband

[Confusedcorona]

It's been on my mind for a couple of years now. In the last year I have made no effort to try and keep the peace anymore, which has spiralled. We aren't compatible and sadly I don't love him anymore (lots of backstory, but this is irrelevant)

I have packed my bags. I'm about to pack my children's bags and we are going to stay at my parents until I can work out where we can live. (Children are very young and don't understand what is going on)

Can anyone who has left their husbands please give me the steps they did on this day? How do I tell him? Should I have the children with us? I don't want to leave and just take the children with me as I think this would be too distressing for him. Im thinking about leaving one child with him and I'll take the other for a few days before we establish what is going to happen.

I can't tell him and live under the same roof. It's a small house and it would be too stressful.

I sound quite cold. But I am having a moment of calm and need to ask advice on what I need to do...

Assuming the break up is a surprise to your husband, leaving him to process this while looking after one or both children is unkind and unwise.

Take both, he can see them both in a few days if you are happy with this

They are his children too, surely he has a say.

Have I missed something on this thread, is the husband abusive ?

Echoing everyone else, don't split your children up.

Take them to family, then go and talk to him.

Take both DC, they are not props for anyone's emotions

Who cares how he feels, that's not your job anymore

When I said that I would take one child, I meant for a few days with the plan to bring the other along with me on Sunday. I didn't want him to think I was taking the children away from him as I thought leaving one might make this easier for him

And if he gets so angry he refuses to give that kid back or let you see them? You have to think of their well being. You haven't said what the problem is and leaving the kids after a shock might trigger a chain of events that you wouldn't have imagined.

Tbh I'm going to assume that you're not thinking clearly because it sounds like you just want to take 1 kid with you for whatever reason. What will that kid feel like with a parent and sibling just gone like that? They're not tools to make your husband feel better.

Taking one child only is unbelievably cruel to the child left behind. Under no circumstances take this course of action.

Have you got all your ducks in a line?
Bank account info? Financial info etc
Consider a worst case scenario and he prepared for that.

Don't leave one child and absolutely don't tell him in front of them, I'm still traumatised by that happening to me. Kids do not need to see the dramatic fall out of a marriage ending in front of them.

Speaking as someone who’s mother left because she didn’t want to be in the marriage - do not leave one child behind. The emotional damage of a mother walking out (no matter how young or for how long) is immeasurable

My DF was great, but the feeling of her loss still haunts me to this day. It severely affected my brother. And while she came back to us and we lived with her, I remember this period in my life more than any other.

Take them to your parents and return to talk rationally with him. Protect your children from the emotional fall out as much as possible

Definitely don’t leave either one or both children with him, he will then show them all his reactions, which is certainly not a good idea. And I’d suggest taking all important documents such as marriage certificate, children’s birth certificates and passports.

Good luck, I hope it goes well for you.

This is where you have to be the grown-ups.

Protect the children first. Look after each other next.
You can't explain things to the children in words if they are 2 or 3 but they will certainly notice change and it won't be easy for them even if the two of you manage a completely stress-free split.

They are (from their point of view) losing a parent (by only having one at a time from now on) it is important not to lose each other as well.

Take the children with you. Say in the letter that you wanted him to have space and privacy to process your decision.

It's difficult when we don't know anything about him. Does he suspect this is coming? Is he likely to react angrily or sadly? Or will he simply not care or actually feel relieved?

Some really bad assumptions about the husband here.

My mum took my sister and herself to my aunties house and then text my dad

Take the kids and drop they to your family then come back and talk with him. Don't let the kids hear this.

It entirely depends on the circumstances; do you expect a massive fall out? I have to say though whatever his reaction you can't leave a child with him to witness it. Take both kids to your parents, then have someone wait outside whilst you tell him. Just in case it gets very het up, make sure he knows someone is waiting for you.

Just read back how you are thinking about the children in this - your ideas about the kids being a "gift" or try to use them as a salve of some sort really worries me.

I don't think you can be too careful about the children in this situation.
What FedUpAtHomeTroels just said.

I love how the majority are encouraging you to take your children and how your husband 'will flip out' when told about this. Of course he might be angry, you're taking his children away from him, you would be angry yourself.

Maybe put yourself in his shoes, what would you do if YOU came home and HE had decided the marriage was over and was leaving with the children? Surely he would have that right too?

For you to decide what is happening to your children without discussing it with him first, is extremely selfish of you.

Take the children to your mums then return for when he gets home then tell him.The children then don't see any tears or arguments.

1. Get ALL your paperwork together (marriage certificate, your and your children's birth certificates, passports etc. Also, take some recent bills, like council tax, electricity, bank statement etc., as you may need these to prove ID if you rent elsewhere)

1. If you have joint bank accounts, open your own account immediately and set up any new standing orders you need; write to the banks /credit card companies to cancel any joint cards etc.

1. Pack all your jewellery / things you really value

1. Pack some kids clothes (leave your ex half the kids stuff), their favourite toys / blanket they sleep with

1. Make sure your ex has everything he needs to take care of the children (food they like, plates etc they like to eat off, some toys, some clothes, nappies, wipes, towels etc). You may be lucky and have an ex who knows what their children like/need, but better to be safe than sorry. Having everything prepared makes a difficult situation easier for all those concerned.

Take BOTH children with you!!! No matter how you mean it, it will seem to the children that you love one more than another, if you leave one behind.

Move everything and the children to your parent's house. Then go home on your own, and talk to your ex. Plan what you want to say in advance, and don't get drawn into arguments or respond to statements meant to guilt you into behaving a certain way.

I wanted to leave for years, and spent a lot of time afraid of what the outcome would be, but ended up just blurting out "I think we should get a divorce" when I couldn't stand it anymore. My ex first tried to tell me we should stay together for the sake of our child, then we should stay together because neither of us could afford to buy a place on our own, then spat out various insults. I didn't yell, I let him say whatever he needed to and, whenever I had to respond, just said, "I think we'll both be happier living apart."

Obviously how you leave and how you manage things once you have left will be different it you have an abusive spouse.

Good luck. Be strong. The difficult bit is actually deciding to leave. Whatever comes after may have its challenges, but you'll be so much happier.

I'm afraid I agree with Rainycloudyday and I nearly always take the womans side.
If this is not a violent relationship you do NOT have the right to just disappear with his children, leave without any warning and no discussion.
This is a dreadful way to end it. Also the courts will most certainly not stand by your actions and may well order that the children go back to their home again. I've seen that happen before many a time.
The sensible thing to do is take the children to a play date or away with relatives for the evening and tell him. They can stay out for the night so you and he can discuss or shout about the way forward. You'll need to make it clear you are leaving.
If someone took my child and left without warning I'd be in court the next day to get my children back.
If he doesn't care if you and the children leave then fine but we ALL have to deal with a bit of discomfort under the same roof while we are breaking up with someone.
My husband left with no warning leaving me in the absolute shit because he is a massive coward and didn't have the guts to tell me. I've not spoken to him since as he blocked me. It was a terrible three years.
If you have no kids then fine but you can't do this with children and the idea of leaving one behind is appalling!! How can you even thing it?

Can you manage both? What changes for you if both come?
Whatever idea of leaving it interrupts you have to get over it, seperating even for the shortest time does irrevocable damage. You go together.
This seems like a plan created to add drama to your life, very flouncy very juvenile. These are people's lives not some soap opera to get kicks from.
Grow up, be calm and leave. Not with an audience but quietly, respectfully and quickly.

GET LEGAL ADVICE

That is all. I think you may be at risk of losing out financially if you leave the property.

I really think if he’s not abusive and you haven’t been through couples counselling you should not be just upping and leaving.

Totally send the kids away for the weekend and sit him down and tell him you want to leave the marriage but understand you built a family together so you should at least attempt counselling if he’s prepared to work on the relationship and make some changes (as are you).

But I think it’s really out of order to unilaterally make a decision for all 4 of you if you’re not in any way at risk. I’d say that even if you weren’t married but you are: what was the point of your vows?