What age do you think is too old to have a baby?

[BabyLlamaZen]

I've seen a few threads related to this. What would you say is the cut off age for a woman specifically to be pregnant and have a baby? Or is there no cut of age - is it ok to have children in your 60s if medical advancement allows it?

This is such a tricky thing. I personally feel 45 maximum for actively trying, including medical help to do this.

My reasons I suppose are personal. Best friend was a surprise baby (parents aged 40 and 42). Reasonably healthy people but both no longer around. I know this is also unlucky that they both got cancer in their 70s, but also really not that strange. She's 30 and luckily had her children in her 20s so they got to meet them. She was so so worried about them being around for them, so it's it's that she almost knew. (She was also lucky meeting her husband early!)

My parents were mid 30s but I also lost one. Again, I know this can happen at any age, but it defintely increases chances as you get older. It was so painful to my siblings and I. I could never say to my remaining parent, but it's one of the reasons I had my son at 29.

I get that it's difficult having children young in current climates with finding a decent relationship, having a good job and the whole unaffordability of housing, but that's why people are having them mid 30s. Not mid 40s!

However, I know this may sound very unfair to those who have for whatever reason not been able to have children earlier. So really interested to see different views :)

What a judgy thread. OP, you sound very narrow-minded.

Im wondering what other prejudices you will reveal in future threads. Do you also judge women who choose to have babies knowing they have underlying health conditions? Or parents with disabilities? What about smokers? Obese parents? Parents who may pass on some kind of genetic abnormality? Parents who have had mental health issues and might expose their children to their depression and other issues? Parents with a history of suicide in the family? Parents who are poor? How about black parents whose children might encounter disadvantage and discrimination due to their ethnicity?

Where do you start and stop judging people for their choices? Or is your only prejudice ageism?

For me 40 was my cut off. DD had other ideas though and was born when I was 41

@HathorX chill out it's just a general chat, if you don't like it you know where the exit button is..

For me personally 28-35 was what I expected, DH had health issues at 28, we started trying at 29, we’re 33 now and still not conceived and who knows when we’ll get our first fresh cycle of IVF we’re getting no news from the clinic. We only want one but could now easily be after 35 if we’re lucky enough to get pregnant at all.

My new limit for myself is no older than 38, my 30s so far have been scarred by TTC with infertility plus agonising endometriosis that can’t be treated until we stop TTC and there needs to be a point at which we draw a line under it and move on. Depending on what happens I can’t say for sure I wouldn’t move the goal posts.

I don’t really judge what other people do but under 25 seems early to me and over 42 seems late.

It's not really just a general chat. Not when you're a woman in your 40s being told that you should never have had your child.

@carterbeatsthedevil

I'm sorry, I must have missed where somebody said that?

You must be reading a different thread, then, because I am seeing a number of comments, some from you, to the effect that it's unfair to have a child in your 40s because you will die when they're too young, because you will be a burden on them when you're old, because you won't be able to give them the help with their children that all younger parents give their children, because you won't have enough energy to cope with a toddler. And so on. But I can't see the point in us arguing about it, really, because people can read it for themselves and draw their own conclusions.

Everyone's writing about the mother, which I understand. But from the child's perspective having elderly parents as a young adult is a burden. And yes I know anyone can die at any time but having children in your 40s is setting that child up for a young adulthood of very possible loss and death. Its not fair on the child. Its selfish and about 'wanting a baby' above facts.

As a child my best friend’s mother had a baby at 40 and she went 3.5 weeks over her due date

I think before pregnancy tests and scans were common it was more normal to let women go past their 'due' date. I was born supposedly a month late but Mum said when she went to the doctor after she missed a period and said she was pregnant he said 'quite probably yes, come back in five months' by which point she was clearly pregnant. When she was 'due' based on her dates the doctor examined her and said 'this baby isn't ready to come yet' and I was born a month later. When one of mine was born a month early all her friends said 'did she get her dates wrong?' like that was a common thing to happen.

@CarterBeatsTheDevilnobody is wishing children out of existence, but it is irrefutable that younger mums tend to have healthier pregnancies and are more likely to be around for longer as their child grows up. We are talking about general optimal circumstances, not persecuting individual cases.

You only need to click on the infertility board on here to read heartbreaking accounts of women trying to conceive in their 40s, suffering endless miscarriages if they get pregnant at all, to realise your body us not at 40 what it was at 25 or 30.

having children in your 40s is setting that child up for a young adulthood of very possible loss and death.

Firstly, as was mentioned previously there is a link between fertility in your 40s and long life. Secondly how many people die early enough to result in a child being orphaned in 'early adulthood? Life expectancy in the country is mid to late 80s so a child born in your mid 40s can expect to have you around until they are in their 40s themselves. Not exactly 'young adulthood'.

It isnt about the children being orphaned as teenagers. It's about the likelihood of them having some degree of caring responsibilities toward their parents when they are 40 odd themselves, probably with their own children at that point. I know lots of people with these dual responsibilities and it is incredibly stressful for them.

I completely understand this is unavoidable where somebody hasn't met the right partner or has been battling infertility etc, but to take such a gamble because you want an extra few years of holidays is a bit selfish in my opinion. If holidays and parties that much, being child free is a totally legitimate (and actually quite brave) option.

People in their 40s now were generally born to 20 something parents themselves so they haven't had to endure what they might put their children through. So they get the best of both worlds, unfairly.

There is a link to pregnancy in your 40s and a long and healthy life - and researchers think it’s possible IVF at these ages may also produce the same effect. Women are meant to be fit enough to give birth right up to menopause - the effects of perimenopause tend to be stronger on people who are already unhealthy.

People in their 40s now were generally born to 20 something parents themselves so they haven't had to endure what they might put their children through. So they get the best of both worlds, unfairly.

People who can give birth in their 40s tend to be fitter and healthier. By the time we turn 80 the goalposts of what constitutes as old, old age would have shifted again.

My best friend was born when both parents were well into her 40s. She had hers in her late 30s. Everyone is still around and perfectly happy. I don’t think there is an age that is too old - it’s up to the individual

@grumpyhoonmain

Yes but it is one thing being fit and healthy in your 40s, and being fit and healthy in your 80s. Those people in their 40s are probably healthier because they haven't had children yet! They will fe very differently after 20 years of parenting..

Interesting thread. I had my first at 24 and my last (5th) at 42. I don't feel much different to the first time around, apart from much more relaxed. I might have been fitter at 24 but certainly not as grounded. There are benefits to having children later in life

@wolfgirrl - people who live healthily to 40 tend to live more healthily after 40 even when they add kids to the mix. A negative effect (of kids) on health only applies to those who had their kids before 25. According to current research anyway.

People in their 40s now were generally born to 20 something parents themselves so they haven't had to endure what they might put their children through.

The baby boomers were an aberration though with their young marriage and early children, their parents had children much later as have Gen X. Both my grandmothers had their children in their late 30s and when I had my youngest at 41 DH was 40 and his father was 80 and his mother 75.

Do you mind if I ask how old you are, @wolfgrrl, and whether you have any DC? I mean it sounds as if you're finding either your 40s or your teenagers very heavy going!

about 42.

But I understand it depends on what you want out of life and when you want it.

I used to think it was so sad and a bit tragic when people had kids in their early 20s, but now, at 50 with two teens who'll still be under my roof for another 7 years no doubt, I think why is freedom in your fifties less valuable than freedom in your 20s and 30s?
I think I'd enjoy freedom more if I had it now.

I know plenty of women who had babies in their forties who are excellent mothers. I know fathers Who were fifty when they had babies and are excellent fathers to young adults (with their own parents still around, so it’s not the young adults who are sorting out care).

There’s some good young parents but older parents tend to be financially more secure, tend to more enduring relationships and have more experience of life. That more than compensates for being a bit older.

Older women tend to more complications in pregnancy but children born to older fathers tend to be brighter and higher achievers (probably related to greater family stability and wealth).

No perfect age but waiting until you are old enough to support a family, in all ways, is probably the ideal.

Of course, I'm late 20s with a nearly 1yo DD

My opinions on this come from my own thinking when I was planning whether to ttc.

And also from the experiences of people I know.

My aunty who had the baby at 43 didnt get pregnant again. She worries herself sick that if anything happens to her my cousin will be alone in the world. She has spent years pressuring us to see our cousin more often, presumably so we can act as some kind of replacement siblings. But it has caused a lot of rows in the family.

My great grandma had her last baby in her 40s and died in her 50s I think.

And I have several acquaintances that starting ttc in their late 30s, ran into problems, could only have the one and ended up with the same worries as my aunty.

Grumpy, yes, but unless they live on average 15 years longer than their averagely healthy counterparts, it is still better for a mum to be 25 in terms of future longevity.

Again everyone's writing about the parents. I completely get that older parents have more stability in every way. But there is no way round it, the chances of having parents who die or need care or depend on a child is much much higher. Giving life expectancy figures is no use, most people die in care homes or hospitals. I'd like the opinion of someone who had to care for a parent or had a parent die when under 25 AND then had a child mid 40s to give their viewpoint.

I agree that being older has many advantages but not for the child. Older parents now tend to have one, it's not like previous generations were the last child had a clatter of older siblings. So having that one child and older, yes it's great for you the parent but on some level you are setting that child up for a huge amount of care, loss etc. And why dies that not figure? In this discussion? And no I'm not the only child of older parents before anyone asks.