DH answered on my behalf, now sulking!

[CountessFrog]

My 11 year old DD was asking me tonight about the circumstances of her birth. We were talking about pain and childbirth. She asked ‘what is it like to give birth?’

I was about to answer, opened my mouth, only to be silenced by my husband replying ‘it’s scary’ and giving his own account of what it’s like to give birth. I just stayed silent, feeling slightly miffed.

The question was not aimed at him. His reply was not what I would have replied. When I eventually got chance to reply, I said it was ‘exciting.’

After she had gone up to bed, He then started an argument in which he denied having answered a question aimed at me. By this point I’d just forgotten about it. He kept going on about it. I told him I’d clearly been asked a question, I’d opened my mouth and he had replied. He insisted it had been a conversation and he was just ‘chipping in.’ He refused to believe that the question had been aimed at me.

Then he stormed off to bed with a pint of beer in his hand.

What are your thoughts?

My thoughts about men and their experience of giving birth are that it can be absolutely terrifying for them. In fact my partner looked like he'd been in a traumatic car crash after I'd given birth, and although of course we go through it and it can be awful they often don't get a chance to talk about how they feel about the event. However, your conversation with your duaghter wasn't the time for him to share his feelings and I expect the beer prompted a loose tongue. I don't think it's appropriate for your daughter to hear how he felt as there didn't seem to be any positives. I agree about your feelings I found it exciting. It is one of the biggest events that can happen to a woman and very dramatic. Of course it's also usually very painful. I would of thought your partner may have felt a bit embarassed about his outburst and is therefore being defensive. It is clearly inappropriate. Perhaps talk to him kindly about it and remind him that alcohol can sometimes cause you to behave inappropriately which is perhaps not good around children. Also, perhaps let him quietly talk to you about his experience. I have felt for a long time that I wouldn't be at all surprised if men suffer PTSD after watching their partner go through agonies that they are unprepared for and for it to be totally outside their control.

Next time he gives birth he can tell her what it was like.

@FinallySleeping

I'm in the 'you're overreacting' camp. I can't understand why it wasn't all part of the mix of a normal conversation where both parents spoke about their own experiences. It's weird that it turned into a sulky argument later (and then a thread!).

Also FWIW I found giving birth to both of my children was a shared event and I would love my husband to talk to my kids about his perspective of it all. I don't buy the whole 'no vagina no opinion' thing.

I agree that both parents can give their account. However, op needed to take lead seeing as she is the one, who gave birth. Instead her husband silenced her with the word “scary” plus an explanation from a bystanders POV. This is not what ops dd wanted to hear.

I said upthread I was traumatised at 10. It was due to a very scary conversation my mother and another person were having. I couldn’t go away. We were in a car. If my dh told my dd it was scary and proceeded with a personal rant, I would be very very angry. This is not an appropriate first comment.

This is a total non issue. God forbid the man piped up first. The same conversation has been had here and IRC we both responded from our own angle. I can’t say for sure who spoke first...it doesn’t matter.

Classic mansplaining on his part. How on Earth can he know what it is like to give birth? And the sulking afterwards, what a big baby. Can’t believe anyone is defending him.

Astonished at the number of (presumably) women who can't see the issue with mansplaining and about something that only women experience too.

He's behaving like a mansplaining manbaby. What a twat.

Of course he was rude to jump in and answer that question. Sulking is fucking ridiculous. The drinking is not normal.

@AtrociousCircumstance the discussion seems to have started with the circumstances round her birth, if he was there he was part of it.

I seriously wonder why women want their partner at the birth, it doesn't seem to be something that brings them together.

1forsorrow seems like you’re confused about the difference between wanting your partner there during your birth experience, and wanting your partner to speak for/over you when you’re asked for your direct experience?

Because most women want their partners with them, but not a lot of women would want their partners to speak over them and for them about their lived experiences.

Maybe look at it as sharing an experience rather than "your" birth experience. Personally I never wanted an audience during childbirth so it was my experience. Sometimes it seems like people want it both ways.

Dear oh dear. You’re wilfully missing the point.

Wot? Men are so weird

How does it work as a shared experience though? It's not like going for a meal where you eat the same dishes. Or going on a rollercoaster together in a theme park.

In this case one person is having a small human being pushed through their vagina - or removed via major surgery on their abdomen. The other one is watching. They are both at the same event, but surely the individual experiences are different?

The idea that the two or more people can have an equal experience of a single birth is laughable. There is no shame in a man traumatised by his partners birth seeking appropriate help but men need to have some humility when it comes to talking about experiencing childbirth because it's something they can never directly experience.

Amazing how he is the angry wounded sulking one when he was the person in the wrong. Is this how it usually goes in your house?

In my house that kind of attempt at mansplaining would have led to howls of derision and piss taking from me and dd. I find it odd that neither of you interrupted him when he drew breath, that neither of you had a gentle laugh at him. Similarly odd that.you didn't give the real explanation immediately afterwards. I'm guess you were avoiding his reaction because he would have seen it as you going against him.

Maybe look at it as sharing an experience rather than "your" birth experience. Personally I never wanted an audience during childbirth so it was my experience. Sometimes it seems like people want it both ways.
Wtaf? My husband was there to support me. I gave birth. He wasn’t an audience, he was my support but he didn’t give birth. My birth experience. This is not complicated. No one wants an audience giving birth.

It sounds quite annoying - she was speaking to you and he chipped in from the other side of the room

I wouldn’t be pleased either, I hate people speaking for me in general and to go straight in with the scary/bad is a bit tactless in my opinion.

Then he starts a row with you over it and some posters think you’re being unreasonable? How?!

He sounds like a man child in this scenario OP. YANBU

When a girl asks a woman what birth is like, she is not looking for a man on the other side of the room to tell her what he thinks it is like.

No respect for the girl's needs here.

Is your DH trans?

@timeisnotaline so it wasn't an experience for your husband, he was some sort of prop for you but all his faculties turned off? How sad.

He didn’t give birth. I’ve had lots of experiences. You can experience watching surgery but I can’t describe my experience doing Surgery. I’ve attended lots of lectures but cant describe my experience of being a lecturer. Some experiences are secondary, valid for the experiencer but not the answer to for example what is giving birth like? He could feasibly have answered if he were being asked directly. The appropriate and self aware answer would have been ‘you really have to ask your mother you know, but having been in the room I can tell you I thought... ‘

So he didn't experience anything. Might as well have a robot supporting you.

Men don't always need centering. If she wanted to know what it's like to witness childbirth then his answer would have been more appropriate.

So he didn't experience anything. Might as well have a robot supporting you.
He, to state the incredibly bleeding obvious, experienced watching his wife give birth to his child. That’s powerful. But how the fuck you can equate that to giving birth I really don’t know. Or how you decide not experiencing anything is the only possible alternative to pushing a baby out of your own vagina ie giving birth.