DH answered on my behalf, now sulking!

[CountessFrog]

My 11 year old DD was asking me tonight about the circumstances of her birth. We were talking about pain and childbirth. She asked ‘what is it like to give birth?’

I was about to answer, opened my mouth, only to be silenced by my husband replying ‘it’s scary’ and giving his own account of what it’s like to give birth. I just stayed silent, feeling slightly miffed.

The question was not aimed at him. His reply was not what I would have replied. When I eventually got chance to reply, I said it was ‘exciting.’

After she had gone up to bed, He then started an argument in which he denied having answered a question aimed at me. By this point I’d just forgotten about it. He kept going on about it. I told him I’d clearly been asked a question, I’d opened my mouth and he had replied. He insisted it had been a conversation and he was just ‘chipping in.’ He refused to believe that the question had been aimed at me.

Then he stormed off to bed with a pint of beer in his hand.

What are your thoughts?

Absolutely think OP best placed to answer the question and that a fair amount of mansplaining seems to have been going on.

However my teen knows that if they want to know anything about their own birth their dad is the one to ask. I was absolutely wazzed on gas and air and have very few coherent memories of it

Wazzed. Brilliant word!

I don't think you're overreacting but I would definitely have taken the opportunity to hit him with it pretty hard. "Yes, that's how it was for Dad when he gave birth to a baby. Do you want to hear how it was for me?" etc etc. But my DH would find the comeuppance funny and go along with it. If yours wouldn't then I guess I don't know what you'd do but I don't think I would have let it go like you did.

I'd just follow up soon with "Well, you have heard how it was from Daddy's point of view- do you want how it was for me while I was actually giving birth to you?"

Had he already started drinking drinking this point?

I can see it's annoying, but I would have probably just piped up at time rather than have an argument later. Maybe in a light hearted way but making clear, "Hey I am the one who has the first hand knowledge here!"

He was being a jerk.
He knows he was being a jerk.
That's why he started an argument.
Now he is mad at you.

Ask yourself if this is a pattern If it is you need to discuss it with him because it is extremely inappropriate to teach the children to interact in this dysfunctional manner.

I would have been annoyed too.
He didn't give birth.
Things like that need to be shut down and not let him finish his nonsense.

I'd have been tempted to ask him when he last gave birth.

I'd be pissed off too. He KNEW that was your question to respond to. I don't think you're overreacting at all. You're the one who gave birth, not him.

I’d have asked my daughter if she knew what mansplianing was. At least that’s something your husband could explain! But it’s ridiculous for him to explain about what it’s like to give birth because he’s never done it so has NO IDEA.

My husband has epilepsy. If we were both present when the question was asked ‘what’s it like to have a seizure’ I wouldn’t attempt to answer for him! Besides, everyone’s experience of seizures - like birth - are different (as I understand it), so really the only way to answer is ‘well, for me, it was...’ which I can’t do.

Not terribly helpful but I’d be pissed off too OP!

I'd have just made the point there and then, that how could he know.

Maybe your DH thought it was scary, when you gave birth and he saw you in that much pain etc (if you were in pain). Maybe he was scared for you and the baby.
So yes your opinion doesn't invalidate his tbh

But if he found the experience scary then the question is ‘what’s it like watching someone give birth’ not, ‘what’s it like giving birth?’

I found watching my sister skydive terrifying, but if you asked her what it was like her response would be be ‘amazing’! The point is that OP’s DD wanted to know what the experience was like and her DH - despite never having done it - jumped in and gave an answer despite a) never having done it and b) sitting next to someone who had.

I think you’ve overreacted.
Yes you were asked the question, but I don’t think he answered on “your behalf”. I think he answered with an honest account of what it is like from a fathers perspective. I know with my DH and other new fathers that #1 in their mind was the fact that childbirth can possibly result in the death of their dear wife. 1 in 10,000 women die in childbirth, which is around 65-70 women in the U.K. every year.

I don’t see why you didn’t then provide your account and feelings about childbirth instead of just saying “exciting” and getting upset.

He didn’t answer for you. He answered for him. You could have still answered for yourself. And there’s nothing wrong with him chiming in on the conversation. If you punish him every time he engages with you instead of a book, you will end up an old couple not speaking, him always reading.

You should have said ‘I’m sorry, but do you have vagina?’

Sounds like a good time to make sure your DD knows what mansplaining is and to look out for it and challenge it when she sees it.

totally misses point I would love for there to be a room in my house where we could be in the same room yet be 10 m apart...
As for your DH jumping the gun, it sounds as if he later figured out for himself that he'd overreached, responding to 'your' question about your experience, and so acted out as a defensive strategy to avert criticism. I live with one of those, and it is very frustrating.

I don't understand why it's blown up into such a massive issue all you had to do was join in and answer.
I presume he was at the birth and did have something to contribute

What an arse. I’d be apoplectic if this happened with dd, who is the same age; this would be due to my experience at around 10. My mother completely freaked me about childbirth and I was petrified.

Ignore him and his sulking. Have a chat with today in your dds bedroom out of his earshot.

He then started an argument in which he denied having answered a question aimed at me. By this point I’d just forgotten about it.

That seems about as unlikely as you having forgotten about it now. Why would he start an argument about it later on unless you'd picked him up on answering a question that was aimed at you? Either way this seems like a mountain out of a molehill situation to me

I’d be pissed off. I don’t think my DH fully understands how much childbirth traumatised me. If someone gives birth onscreen or something I might bring up my experience and he’ll quickly change the subject not realising it’s still quite upsetting to me all these years later. I’m not sure they always get just how personal and emotional it can be.

I don't see any harm in your dh telling DD that as a man observing, he found childbirth scary. But It's important you give her your own POV . I wouldn't want a little girl to dread giving birth.

I'm forever jumping into conversations that are happening in the same room as me

I'd have appreciated to a point my DP answering this.. he remembers more of my DD birth than I ever will (lots of drugs and emergency section). So he will always have his own experience of this