DH answered on my behalf, now sulking!

[CountessFrog]

My 11 year old DD was asking me tonight about the circumstances of her birth. We were talking about pain and childbirth. She asked ‘what is it like to give birth?’

I was about to answer, opened my mouth, only to be silenced by my husband replying ‘it’s scary’ and giving his own account of what it’s like to give birth. I just stayed silent, feeling slightly miffed.

The question was not aimed at him. His reply was not what I would have replied. When I eventually got chance to reply, I said it was ‘exciting.’

After she had gone up to bed, He then started an argument in which he denied having answered a question aimed at me. By this point I’d just forgotten about it. He kept going on about it. I told him I’d clearly been asked a question, I’d opened my mouth and he had replied. He insisted it had been a conversation and he was just ‘chipping in.’ He refused to believe that the question had been aimed at me.

Then he stormed off to bed with a pint of beer in his hand.

What are your thoughts?

@RumpyTurman 'after child had gone to bed, he then started an argument about how he hadn't answered a question directed at me'.

Presumably she had said at some point that he had answered the question directed at him? Otherwise why did he say that or get that idea from? She was clearly annoyed by it and felt that exact way?

This is the most awesome example of mansplaining! Love the diagram, love the comedy clip!!!

Another aspect is I don't actually like his answer- 'scary' is not the first word you'd want your daughter to hear when she asks that question?

That question feels like it was a chance for a special kind of mum/ daughter talk .... I am sorry that was interrupted for you , OP.....

Major mansplaining. And it's a shame he was sharing his negative experience

He mansplained giving birth.

What an absolute twat.

Your DD has had a lesson in everyday sexism.

It shows how some men can't bear not to be centered. Men should respect that childbirth is a womens experience and by definition their experience can only be secondary.

@MamaFirst a bit out of context when you ignored the very next sentence.

After she had gone up to bed, He then started an argument in which he denied having answered a question aimed at me. By this point I’d just forgotten about it.

Also, in response to this:
Presumably she had said at some point that he had answered the question directed at him? Otherwise why did he say that or get that idea from? She was clearly annoyed by it and felt that exact way?

OP is allowed to express annoyance. She clearly states that he started an argument about it when she had clearly already moved on. How can you twist that into OP starting an argument? Or is she not allowed to be annoyed at having her husband mansplain childbirth to their daughter in what could be quite a traumatic way for a child, for fear her husband won't like her annoyance?

He drinks beer in bed. Sorry that would make me feel pure revulsion

I’d of laughed And told my dh to shut up and let me speek ,although I would not of been that polite .
Do u usually have trouble speaking for yourself and standing up for yourself

She asked ‘what is it like to give birth?’

Only the female who actually gave birth can answer that!

He was a bit of a prat as he obviously doesn't know what it's like to give birth. However I'm a bit confused as to why h he would have brought it up later or how he started a row about it. That's just totally random.

I would have watched him incredulously and burst out laughing. Was he trying to explain the physical feelings of giving birth, or just saying, 'Well, we went to the hospital and there were doctors and I held your Mum's hand and it looked like it was quite sore...'?

What I'm getting at is, did he explain how birth was for him, or how it was for you?

You need some mum and daughter time away from this prat ,so she can ask you what she needs to
I hope she doesn’t ask about periods in front of him ,or he will be explaining His experience about those as well ..muppet

Are you sure there isn't more to this, OP? It just feels like if it was a one off, you would have just laughed and lightheartedly said 'Excuse me, DH, but I'm the one that gave birth!', he would have said 'Fair point, silly old me!', and it wouldn't have made it as far as a MN thread.

It also feels there's something in the mention of the beer. Does he drink a lot, or does his drinking bother you?

@RumpyTurman express annoyance/start an argument... Not really all that different is it? He sounds like a man child not being able to have the conversarion, and he clearly needs to learn how to accept criticism, but I just don't see what there was to be annoyed about in the first place. Its a bit controlling to me, that she felt she couldn't just continue the conversation from her perspective without needing to feel threatened because he's not a woman and didn't give birth. That speaks volumes to me, that she's threatened by his input. It's just weird and uneccesary. Plus the daughter is 11, not 5. Labour and delivery can be scary. Telling an 11 Yr old a warped, it's all beautiful and exciting perspective is innacurate. My nine year old would be capable of hearing two different perspectives without feeling like one invalidated the other. Just my thoughts, no need to get uppity!

I don't think you're overreacting, OP. I felt pissed off for you when I read what happened.

@MamaFirst

You're making a lot of assumptions.

@MamaFirst most people are perfectly capable of expressing annoyance without starting an argument. I think you're projecting, the OP hasnt said she feels threatened by him responding at all? It's like a child asking about archaeology, and the dad who attended an archaeology lecture once answering when he knows his wife has a PhD in the subject. It is mansplaining, pure and simple.

Presumably you wanted him at the birth, to be part of the experience. It obviously meant alot to him and he joined in the discussion. Not really the same as you explaining his job unless you go to work with him and experience it with him and it has a huge emotional impact on him.

Ask him when the fuck he gave birth.

That would piss me right off. He has no idea what it's like, so to cut you off and sulk about it is ridiculous.

1forsorrow

The DD didn’t ask what it’s like to witness a woman give birth. Why would she - she’s a girl, wondering about her own future possible experience.

The man jumped in, mansplained, and sulked.

It’s really disrespectful as well as sexist and self-absorbed. Also he potentially scared his DD.

I had two fairly traumatic births and I know my DH remembers far more of them than I do, especially the first one as I was in so much pain and it ended with an emergency section. My memories are mostly of obscure details like how they made a big fuss about me signing the consent form. I'd have no problem with my DH contributing to the conversation. He doesn't know what it feels like to actually give birth, but then arguably neither do I as both my children needed intervention to be born.

She asked ‘what is it like to give birth?’

Her dad didn’t give birth. He may have witnessed her birth but he’s never done it himself.

Definitely mansplaining.

However I am more interested that you've said that you curb your responses and conversation when he's had a drink.

You know that's not normal and healthy, right?

You've also said that he's not controlling etc. But there does sound as if there is something deeper here to unpick around his behaviour when he drinks. This is because alcohol doesn't usually alter people's normal behaviour - it just makes them drop the daily social efforts that they make to cover their true feelings and their preferred behaviour.

I would be looking very closely at your relationship, because if you are altering your own behaviour so as to avoid triggering a reaction in him, then that is an indicator of an unhealthy relationship which is potentially abusive or controlling. Abuse and control can be insidious and subtle.

He's made a twat out of himself thinking he can explain something he can't physically do. The sulking is just pathetic.