DH answered on my behalf, now sulking!

[CountessFrog]

My 11 year old DD was asking me tonight about the circumstances of her birth. We were talking about pain and childbirth. She asked ‘what is it like to give birth?’

I was about to answer, opened my mouth, only to be silenced by my husband replying ‘it’s scary’ and giving his own account of what it’s like to give birth. I just stayed silent, feeling slightly miffed.

The question was not aimed at him. His reply was not what I would have replied. When I eventually got chance to reply, I said it was ‘exciting.’

After she had gone up to bed, He then started an argument in which he denied having answered a question aimed at me. By this point I’d just forgotten about it. He kept going on about it. I told him I’d clearly been asked a question, I’d opened my mouth and he had replied. He insisted it had been a conversation and he was just ‘chipping in.’ He refused to believe that the question had been aimed at me.

Then he stormed off to bed with a pint of beer in his hand.

What are your thoughts?

If this had happened in my family I would have said something at the time - probably as soon as my partner started answering for me! I wonder why you didn't feel able to?

Mansplaining at its worst. And he can't even see it.

I wouldn't be impressed but I'm loving the suggestion of using it as an opportunity to explain mansplaining

I cant understand why you didn’t just nip it in the bud and say “how on earth do you know?”.

I dont think you are overreacting at all. Your daughter asked for your experience (and of course it was aimed at you, why in earth would she ask her dad what childbirth is like?) and he felt the need to share his views on something he could never experience. Not only that but he shared a very negative view that could potentially upset her.

FWIW I am an adoptive mother who has also been a birthing partner. I would never chime in if I heard that question being asked because childbirth is not something I have experienced, only witnessed.

Presuming he was there the point that he spoke up means to me he was pretty traumatized by it all and it is still fresh in his mind. Obviously she was aiming the question at her DM so he shouldn't have offered his view but it can be pretty scary for everyone imv. But it's a difficult question - unless you floated through childbirth in a blur of joy.
My honest answer would be 'pretty horrendous' but I wouldn't say that to a child. I think I might be relieved not to answer. My DM said childbirth was wonderful. Not my experience and I felt unable to discuss it with her.

What’s wrong with him joining in and offering an opinion based on his experience?

@pictish he does not have an experience of giving birth.

Because his wife who had actually had the experience was right there and he made it all about him.

I am amazed at people saying you overreacted. He's the one who a) jumped in, b) started an argument and c) stormed off!

If your DD asked you what it's like giving birth, you should be the one to answer because the question was directed at you and you are the only person out of the three of you who has had that experience.

If he felt the need to chip in so badly he could have waited until you had finished at the very least.

But he still can''t answer the question because he doesn't actually know.
He's never given birth.

Good opportunity to explain to your daughter about mansplaining!

I would be annoyed by this. It's mansplaining and might contribute to anxiety over childbirth in the future. Which he also wouldn't understand...as he's a man...and therefore will never understand what it's like to give birth.

You can't really engage with him freely then, because you have to be wary of his moods. You stay silent because you need to avoid unpleasantness in front of the kids.
Really the crux argument was not about birth, the message in his argument was 'our daughter tried to ask you a question, I got jealous of that attention and I intervened to refocus the attention at myself'. He was arguing against the point that she exclusively wanted you to answer.
Mature adults don't storm off. He's constantly looking for recognition he felt he never got as a child. There's a reason his family have a culture of heavy drinking.

I like your diagram RhymeswithOrange

@CountessFrog your OP reminded me of this.

He can't take any criticism
He storms off if you say anything he does not like
He gives you the silent treatment
He starts an argument and makes it your fault when he was in the wrong, shifting the blame.

These are all things that can indicate control / abuse.

And he has a history of drinking too much.

The can of worms is open again. By that I mean an OP comes on to ask what they think of as a simple question, but they let little things out that others recognise are very major issues.
Sorry, OP.

I'm in the 'you're overreacting' camp. I can't understand why it wasn't all part of the mix of a normal conversation where both parents spoke about their own experiences. It's weird that it turned into a sulky argument later (and then a thread!).

Also FWIW I found giving birth to both of my children was a shared event and I would love my husband to talk to my kids about his perspective of it all. I don't buy the whole 'no vagina no opinion' thing.

Where is anyone getting overreacting from? It’s her DH that started the argument and it’s her DH who is now sulking!

I'd print off that mansplaining poster and stick it on the fridge. I'd be seriously pissed off.

What I don't understand is why you didn't just point out at the time that you were the one who'd actually given birth, and should answer the question. It seems to have become a big issue, when a lighthearted interjection at the time, would have sorted it. Why sit silent at the time then argue about it later?

I don't understand why you didn't cut him off at the start. 'Oi, I think I can answer that one thanks!' and make a joke if it. What did he do that started an argument later if you said you had forgotten about it by then?

How odd! Why didn't you just say, after he was finished 'well I thought it was exciting!' etc etc. Why make a fight out of him joining in a conversation?

@MamaFirst the OP didnt make a fight out of it. Her husband did.

Sounds like a good time to make sure your DD knows what mansplaining is and to look out for it and challenge it when she sees it.

This. You DH has a valid opinion on what it is like to watch your partner give birth. He has not experienced actually giving birth.

But it’s not about DH, it’s about DD who asked the question and is entitled to hear the answer from the organ grinder.

I don't understand why you didn't ask him when he had given birth?

Since that was the question he was answering-how could he "chip in" about that?

Were you scared to interrupt or felt that the resulting sulk/argument meant it wasn't worth it?

I think the question could be answered by both of you

Your DH from his point of view of being a dad, having a new baby. Your point of view from going through labour and having a new baby.