Can I shift my mindset to believe I should have more of a day than my kids?

[DisorganisedOrganiser]

Can anyone help me change my mindset.

Like many others, my DC (7 & 9) are hating this lockdown. Behaviour is not awful but really not great. They are a nightmare to motivate, need to be nagged to do anything and really should be helping me in the house a bit more. They are also so ungrateful, eg moaning that our garden is small yet we are so lucky to have one at all.

I know that if I could be more ‘in charge’ things would be easier. I have always struggled with discipline. I was a very good child and have never really understood bad behaviour. Instinctively I have never understood why kids should automatically obey me just because I am an adult. Just because someone is older does not mean they know better IMO. I know lots of parents who seem to automatically think the parents views and opinions are more important than the child’s. I think the opposite, have tried to be child led and would put children above adults in terms of needs and wants in a family (assuming the basics of food, shelter etc). I suppose what I am trying to say is I view children as equal to adults and their opinions equal or maybe even more important. I have never understood why the fact that I had children means I automatically know more.

However, I don’t think this attitude is helping me and with lockdown dragging ahead with no real end in sight I would really like to change. So how to I go from thinking we are an equal team to being the manager of the team? Given we are all stuck together for the forseeable.

I have been inspired to post by reading various threads about lockdown and behaviour but I don’t mean this as a thread about any specific threads.

I have nothing useful to add other than pick the advice you believe will work for you. I've totally fallen into the trap of doing everything for my kids and now they're a bit lazy with lockdown and being a passive parent. I am working on taking back control so this thread has also been useful. I'm sorry to say that a laid back approach doesn't always work well.

Think about what kind of adults you want your children to grow into.
If you want them to grow into competent adults who know how to do chores and cook without a fuss, who hold down good careers and are compassionate adults then you need to put the groundwork in now.

I’m not one for punishments so what I do is tell my dc why they need to do what they need to do.

If you want your dc to grow into adults with a good work ethic then you need to tell them why they need to do their work first before screen time. It’s not a punishment, screen time is for relaxing when all your work and chores are done. They need to learn how to prioritise and why they need to prioritise.

If you want your dc to be well educated then tell them that education will give them choices later in life. Education isn’t just about schoolwork, it’s about creativity, critical thinking and knowledge about their world.
What interests them? Let them branch out and learn about things that they want to learn about or do creative projects.
Sometimes kids respond better to ‘choose your favourite animal and draw and write some facts about it’ or ‘what would you like to learn about today?’

Ilive you summed that up so well. I'm going to copy that down to keep reading it.

Brilliant advice here thank you. I will look at the book recommendations. It is so true that sadly my own laid back approach (which works so well when teaching and working with motivated adults!) does not seem to help with children.

We will do the cleaning and tidying today and over the weekend come up with more of a plan. We do have a vague timetable but I think I could get the DC helping to write some checklists. I have realised there is nothing on anything I have done for them about helping in the house so that needs to change.

To a PP who said they might be struggling with loads of time to do work when they used to do it in fixed time slots. That really makes sense and I hadn’t realised that at all.

I suppose they were over scheduled but there are so many oppoufor extra curricular activities and so I did want them to miss out. As it is we haven’t had time to get them to do everything as that really would be too much. They are terrible at entertaining themselves for long periods at home as we have just never done it ever in their lives. The way I survived the baby and toddler years was getting out of the house for structured activities, soft play etc. Which incidentally makes me feel so sorry for anyone in lockdown with really young children and yet again that I am failing as I am hating it with my much easier aged children.

That might be a starting place, looking at space for them to get bored and make their own entertainment. Both my kids have one extra curricular activity, and regular swimming. Everything else is unscheduled and while we do things together sometimes I tell them to go and play in their rooms. No screens, no sibling, lots of toys and an expectation that I don’t see them for the time it takes to have a cup of tea. It’s been very hard work but both children will now play alone (not together COD fighting) for a short time.

In the kindest possible way OP, your approach doesn't work.

In my experience permissive parenting leads to naughty, spoiled and unhappy dc as they are used to getting their way but can't cope very well with feeling dissatisfied. Not saying your dc are like that (yet) but without appropriate boundaries that's what tends to happen.

I say this as someone who did the whole EBF, baby-led weaning and avoiding the time out step method. Your dc need to know and feel the consequences when they are not doing what is expected of them. The consequences need to be consistent and you have to be willing to be unpopular for a short while.

Be a responsive parent, who recognises and responds to the dc's needs but who is able and willing to be the leader and make the tough decisions.

With your current approach they will feel your disappointment and at the same time not know how to regulate their wants and feelings.

Yes, I am resolved to make some plans and will have to accept that they do not and cannot know what is best for them at this age so I need to tell them. Hopefully if they have choices in it all too then it won’t be too draconian.

Of course it’s simple to write down . Can’t imagine it will be simple in practice!

Giving them set daily chores would probably be beneficial as they know exactly what is expected of them.

So eldest could have as an example, load and unload the dishwasher daily, strip and remake their own bed weekly.
Youngest could have lay the table for each meal, strip their own bed weekly.

"Which incidentally makes me feel so sorry for anyone in lockdown with really young children and yet again that I am failing as I am hating it with my much easier aged children."

Tbh I think there are different challenges for every age. I have a 3yo which has been really hard, but at least we don't have to worry about home schooling, and he's reasonably content with our company - he does love playing with other children, and I'm sad for him that he can't, but I imagine that older children would be missing their friends much more.

Some adults have been coping admirably with lockdown and have been productive, doing exercise, DIY and gardening, "bettering themselves" by learning a new skill or whatever. Others have been really struggling with the change to their lives, the loneliness and the restrictions, and haven't been motivated to do all those "virtuous" things. I don't think it makes them bad people. And I think it's unrealistic to expect our children to be into the first category and to judge them if they fall into the second. Also, some people started out ok, but after 11 weeks and counting with no end in sight, we are struggling more and more.

It is interesting how you say you don't like telling them what to do, but you have in effect controlled what they do by always organising activities for them, either toddler groups when they were little or the extra curricular activities after school. From your description it is more you telling them what activities to do rather than them choosing them. Might be an idea to have a different approach when activities can start again, let them choose which ones they want to do, and if they don't want to do any that is fine too, but then I would be limiting screen time if that is all they would want to do instead.

Now they don't have this structure they don't know what to do, and as you have relied on school or these activities to provide structure, you don't know what to do either!

Oh totally, I have no idea what to do without the structure. The reality is it might be like this for months and months . Even if school restarts in some form in September they will not be back at their activities. I absolutely relied on that for structure. I love unstructured time on my own as an adult but as a parent I hate it.

It sounds a little bit like you're scared of your kids or scared of parenting them maybe.

The constant activities is just a way to avoid having to propery engage with them yourself. Doing stuff FOR them (cleaning, cooking and taking them to activities etc.) is easier than doing stuff WITH them. They're at school where the teachers will deal with them, they're at activities where the coach/leader will engage with them, they're with their friends who will play with them.

How often do you sit and down and fully enagage with them in an activity that they've chosen?

Of course I am scared of my kids. Whatever I do as a parent seems to be wrong and they moan constantly or bicker or argue if it isn’t what they want to do. If the right thing do do as a parent was obvious I wouldn’t be scared of it but there is no rulebooks. Especially in lockdown.

Fully engage with them? We go on a daily walk once a day and have a meal altogether in the evenings. We do exercise videos etc. If you actually mean more of an activity then once or twice a week probably. Baking once a week then we do some kind of crafty messy thing that they have chosen. I do admit I absolute hate the mess associated with both.

Terrible grammar there sorry!

We tend to do a movie night once a week. DH does that with them which gives me a chance to have some time away from people and to tidy up, organise home learning shit for the week, that sort of thing. I don’t get that evening time anymore as they are hardly tired at all since lockdown.

Is that why you have always done activities outside of the house as you don't like the chaos and mess that can come with children, especially younger ones?

Yes definitely. Honestly though my house is no show home. I wish!

Also because activities are good exercise, they meet friends and learn useful skills.

The constant activities is just a way to avoid having to properly engage with them yourself.

That's my impression too. You seem to have filled every moment with 'stuff' where other people will tell them what to do. It's hardly surprising that they can't occupy themselves. They've never had to.

You seem to be a little bit obsessed with physical exercise as opposed to anything cerebral, artistic, or involving emotional connection. Have you ever encouraged them in reading, or drawing, lego, crafts?
And you say exercise is non-negotiable. If you're able to put your foot down on that, why are you unable to make anything else non-negotiable? You don't let them refuse that, so somewhere you must have the skills to control them, surely?

When covid is over, I would actually explore parenting courses and programmes. The gap between where you are and where you and your children need to be, is pretty vast. I think you need a fairly organised programme of change, with encouragement and feedback from someone. You could spend this time researching what's available to you. I think it would absolutely be worth it, or your children's teens are going to be incredibly difficult. You need to make changes very soon and very effectively

When I say it is non negotiable it is but they moan through most of it. It is the moaning and whinging that is most difficult.

They are both free readers and read happily for pleasure before bed plus they get stories every night. We have Lego, they don’t have much interest. As it is DD1 is picking all the drawing activities that school sent and DD1 is joining in. They could barely do any more drawing. They need to be doing English and Maths or some kind of other learning.

I did a 123 magic course in the past. It was ok but is useless for this age.

Covid is not going to be over for months and months and months. It is unrealistic to assume otherwise.

Plus at 7 and 9 I surely shouldn’t have to be doing crafts etc with them for hours? They should be able to sort stuff out themselves or I very briefly set them up and then they get on with it while I do something else. They are lucky I don’t have to work full time and then they would have to sort themselves out but I do have online learning etc for work which I am trying to do an hour or so a day.

It's your responsibility to teach them what to do and the right way to do it. I have rules, my rules are to keep them safe, healthy and well mannered. They are allowed to questions them and sometimes they change. I lead the way but they still have an opinion which is taken into account.

Right, mine are similar ages. This is how it goes down:
7 i get up. Kids between 7 and 9. They make own breakfast but not after 10. Kitchen is closed for business then.
I work, they do whatever tasks they need to do. If they drift off halfway through, that's ok. It's not school. But tasks are finished before xbox.
Lunch. Make your own, unless it involves tuna. They watch telly. I. Mn.
Afternoon. Finish school work (usually ds). Do chores. Do what you want.
3 pm xbox/ipad time.
5ish walk/run
Back for tea
After tea iPad/ read. Bed at 9.

They don't really play together..my biggest battle is getting the oldest outside for fresh air during the day cos he doesn't see the point if just sitting in the garden. I was li k e that at his age though. He doesn't complain about the walks/runs/cycles though.

I was the kind of kid who wrote, read, had pen friends, drew, did my own.projects. i was a weird kid with not many friends and pre internet. My kids are very different to me.

Sorry in a rush so haven't read everything, look at

www.janetlansbury.com

Excellent about how to have boundaries while also respecting and allowing your children's feelings and emotions.