Can I shift my mindset to believe I should have more of a day than my kids?

[DisorganisedOrganiser]

Can anyone help me change my mindset.

Like many others, my DC (7 & 9) are hating this lockdown. Behaviour is not awful but really not great. They are a nightmare to motivate, need to be nagged to do anything and really should be helping me in the house a bit more. They are also so ungrateful, eg moaning that our garden is small yet we are so lucky to have one at all.

I know that if I could be more ‘in charge’ things would be easier. I have always struggled with discipline. I was a very good child and have never really understood bad behaviour. Instinctively I have never understood why kids should automatically obey me just because I am an adult. Just because someone is older does not mean they know better IMO. I know lots of parents who seem to automatically think the parents views and opinions are more important than the child’s. I think the opposite, have tried to be child led and would put children above adults in terms of needs and wants in a family (assuming the basics of food, shelter etc). I suppose what I am trying to say is I view children as equal to adults and their opinions equal or maybe even more important. I have never understood why the fact that I had children means I automatically know more.

However, I don’t think this attitude is helping me and with lockdown dragging ahead with no real end in sight I would really like to change. So how to I go from thinking we are an equal team to being the manager of the team? Given we are all stuck together for the forseeable.

I have been inspired to post by reading various threads about lockdown and behaviour but I don’t mean this as a thread about any specific threads.

Yes I am strict about quality. Eldest needs to work on handwriting so I if she's written enough, but scruffy, she will have to rewrite it.

Ds (5) sometimes fools round so if he cannot muster enough concentration for the 5/10 min task (matching numbers or whatever) then I cajole and if that doesn't work he can leave the table but it doesn't count as done until it's actually done so he knows he needs to come back and complete it before tv/tablet. We rarely get to that point as he knows I will stand firm.

There is the YouTube kids app. That could cut down on some of the crap as long as the school videos are on there?

I’m firmly in the ‘chores before play’ camp and as both of mine like gaming it works as an incentive. Sure they moan but it’s really clear how it works and it’s consistent.

Interesting what you say about them learning something new. I recognise that feeling as I was that child too - doing things because they had to be done and then going and finding something else to do because it was interesting. But it’s a personality trait I’ve failed to pass on to my kids!

Focus on what they do like to do, can you use that as the carrot for the things they need to do?

OP, intrigued as to why you don’t think you have the right to tell them what to do? If it’s not you then who?

Sorry wasn’t suggesting you were, just didn’t want to come across as boasting! Parents: mum was fab, pretty soft but we were good kids so rarely needed to tell us off. Dad worked away a lot, very academic and quite
academically pushy but I found school fairly easy so just got on with it. Mum did everything around the house though. We didn’t lift a finger and I am aware I am doing that with my kids which I shouldn’t be as I had to learn how to cook and clean when I moved out.

I think by being good I mean:-
Most importantly I didn’t argue or bicker much with sibling. We got on well and still do.

I did my homework with minimal nagging.

I just always remember seeing other kids be naughty and thinking why bother as it was easier to do the right thing than the wrong thing. If you have a choice why not do the right thing?

OP you can still give them autonomy. Giving them expectations of how you expect them to behave, and leaving them open as to whether they want to behave within these expectations or miss out on the nice stuff that comes after the work.

I think deep down I don’t have the right to tell them what to do

Who the fuck is going to if not their parents? Do you think they should do whatever they want??

Your rules can be as arbitrary as you like. The point is that you're teaching them responsibility, rules, delayed gratification etc and your arbitrary rules are the tool you use to teach those things.

Your children sound indulged and spoilt.

I have always been child centred but from a different angle. I listen to my kids, respect them, accept them as people, love them, talk them through choices to widen understanding and when necessary make decisions that are in their best interest. Children do not have the capacity to make some decisions. It’s unfair to put big decisions on small shoulders when in fact balanced boundaries help children feel safe.

I know what you mean op. I was ‘good’ until teenagehood. I also struggle with boundaries. I have made a ‘to do’ list-every one they do they get 10p and at the end of the week They get their total. They initial the list themselves. This is working quite well. I go in for short sharp punishments so take screen away for half an hour. I take dds phone off her if she isn’t doing her work but I’m very clear about what she has to do. Kids want and need clear boundaries.

How are they at school?

I don't think there's anything wrong with your approach OP. You're ensuring they exercise and do some work. Read the book 'Summerhill' by A.S. Neill if you want an interesting perspective on giving kids freedom. I love that book!

I don’t even know what I think to be honest. I kind of do think they should do whatever they want yes. But then until I had kids I naively thought they would actually choose to use their time wisely. I didn’t realise that they wouldn’t . I like the idea of thinking of rules as tools Vilanelle.

I don’t know who should tell them off / tell them what to do really. Obviously emergency services in an emergency. Teachers. I know that sounds ridiculous,
I just really struggle with discipline. The irony is then that they behave badly so I end up
having to shout and tell them off anyway.

No school videos on YouTube kids - just checked.

In terms of what they like to do... honestly they are so apathetic now with lockdown that they don’t want to do anything. Unless it is a screen and I think they just want to escape.

They like baking. I HATE baking but we do it. They love seeing their friends. Which they can’t do so they are miserable. DD1 loves school. Again, can’t go. DD2 has always been hard to motivate. Her default answer to anything is no.

Even now DD2 is refusing to go to sleep but doesn’t want me to leave the room so I am stuck in here or she will cry.
Honestly, I’d let her cry - I have very honest conversations about needing grown up time and her needing to settle. I’d not leave her if she was honestly upset about something but crying because I won’t sit with her is a complete nonstarter. They aren’t babies and do need to learn that you are your own person too - otherwise how do they learn to be their own person. Children need adults to model healthy balanced lives and to help them find that balance too.

My two go upstairs to bed around 8.00, they can play quietly until they are ready to sleep but once upstairs they don’t get to come down again. I talk a lot about trusting them to do x, y and z and express my disappointment when they let me down. It’s that acknowledging they are still very little so won’t get it right all the time, but are old enough to be learning.

So did they like doing their after school activities? Did they accept instructions/rules with them?

Thanks OP - interesting that you have copied your mum’s parenting style but your DF was absent a fair bit. What’s your DH’s parenting no approach (assuming you are married - apologies if I’ve misread that)?

Porridgeoat I agree they are spoilt. I want to change things. It seems the best option is to be stricter with the things they have to do then remove screen time when they don’t do it. Which will be hell for us all.

ineedaholiday (don’t we all ?) they are really good at school. It is so, so frustrating. I will be tearing my hair out to get them to do anything then at school they are so well behaved. Although DD2 every morning pre lockdown says she doesn’t want to go, is hard to get out of the house.

I will check out Summerhill NotNow!

So if they don’t do their work then no screen time? Seems so simple. All schoolwork DD1 is set is optional. Do I just pick some non-negotiables myself then?

Yes. DD had one thing that she just didn't get including in previous years. So that part of the learning was non negotiable. However I sat down with her, explained it, helped her, made resources etc.

Reading and English are also non negotiable because she doesn't like them so she needs the practice.

She loves maths, so always happy to do it and it takes minutes.

Everything else it depends on what it is, level of interest and if it's very boring or dry we adapt it.

You could try telling them "if you're wasting my time, then I'm wasting yours. This can take half an hour and you can play or we can be here all day. Your choice."

I also made sure she has lots of breaks and played outside in the garden or whatever. We made our own timetable.

Maths (fun,easy,quick)
Reading app on ipad.
Then playtime for an hour or even longer if she was outside.
Spellings with chalk on the path
English
Lunch
Lunch play
Afternoon activities
Finish at 2.

There have been days when I just said no Ipad , except for reading app/school videos until after "school" like in normal times. She has to entertain herself without tech.

The real trick is to understand yourself why you are doing something/imposing a rule . As long as you're not totally behind it and convinced of the need for it , you will falter. Once you are it will feel less arbitrary, and you have a set goal that you know will benefit them.

I think in lockdown you do have to do a certain amount of nagging yes. It is not a natural situation for everyone to be together all the time. There's also a lot of anxiety flying around and maybe the predictability of shit YouTube videos is helping them through that. I was weirdly binge watching old (2004 old) Sarah Beeny property programmes for a while for the same reason.

I also reckon you are probably remembering yourself as a kid with complimentary glasses on! 7&9 is very different from 12 onwards too... Do you really remember details of what you were like at 7?

You sound like you're doing all right. Just prioritise the bus you want to sort and concentrate on them.

I am married. DH usually stricter than I am. But during lockdown he has been less strict as they are so bloody miserable without their friends and their normal life. My own dad could be strict when he was there. I really hate strictness, similar to my hatred of strict bosses.

ineedaholiday, no not huge fans of activities but these are non negotiable and it is the only thing I am strict at. They get on with it and go in and usually have a good time. They don’t practise outside of them though.

Well DD1 does often go to sleep on her own, DD2 just doesn’t seem ready yet. But here we are it is 9:40 and I have only just got out of her room. So no evening for me. They are just not tired in this lockdown because all they want to do is be on a screen.

How old is dc2?

DC2 is 7.

The real trick is to understand yourself why you are doing something / imposing a rule
So true. I don’t know what the rules should be so can’t enforce them.

That is very true about both the predictability of YouTube and of maybe not exactly remembering myself at 7 .

@DisorganisedOrganiser

Can anyone help me change my mindset.

Like many others, my DC (7 & 9) are hating this lockdown. Behaviour is not awful but really not great. They are a nightmare to motivate, need to be nagged to do anything and really should be helping me in the house a bit more. They are also so ungrateful, eg moaning that our garden is small yet we are so lucky to have one at all.

I know that if I could be more ‘in charge’ things would be easier. I have always struggled with discipline. I was a very good child and have never really understood bad behaviour. Instinctively I have never understood why kids should automatically obey me just because I am an adult. Just because someone is older does not mean they know better IMO. I know lots of parents who seem to automatically think the parents views and opinions are more important than the child’s. I think the opposite, have tried to be child led and would put children above adults in terms of needs and wants in a family (assuming the basics of food, shelter etc). I suppose what I am trying to say is I view children as equal to adults and their opinions equal or maybe even more important. I have never understood why the fact that I had children means I automatically know more.

However, I don’t think this attitude is helping me and with lockdown dragging ahead with no real end in sight I would really like to change. So how to I go from thinking we are an equal team to being the manager of the team? Given we are all stuck together for the forseeable.

I have been inspired to post by reading various threads about lockdown and behaviour but I don’t mean this as a thread about any specific threads.

I guess you are now reaping what you have sown!

Just thinking about tomorrow. On Fridays I usually abandon home learning. I let them do what they want as long as it
Is not dangerous and they leave me alone to clean the house. I can’t get anything done if they are doing the home learning as DD2 needs constant redirection or they fight.

I am guessing what I need to do is actually set them up with some leaning then get them to tidy their rooms while I do the rest of the house. The problem I have there is they don’t do it so I spend my entire day dealing with that and still haven’t cleaned the house . Was hoping to start tonight but far too late now.

Just clean on Saturday?

Started cleaning Friday as otherwise we started the weekend with the house in chaos and everyone was so miserable. Weekends much better now

One thing I have learned about tidying is that you have to learn how to do it. Honestly I didn't really know how to do it until I had a v anal uni flatmate so you can't expect them to go off and tidy their rooms on their own unless you've done it from little. I haven't for I'm presuming the same reasons as you so I tend to do it with my youngest DD (who is very messy) in a methodical way so she can see what you have to do to make a room tidy. It's a pain in the arse but I'm paying for my slack parenting earlier on