Help me cope with my neighbours before my mental health gets beyond recovery, please

[Nomorewineever]

We moved to a detached house 6 years ago as we wanted to get away from a house with a bully neighbour who used to call me names/shout insults and block my car in.

It was the worst decision we ever made. 5 houses back onto us (like 9pm, 11pm, midnight, 1am and 3am if you imagine a clock). We did loads of viewings and research. No red flags. But we have issues with all but one if those houses which are making me ill.

We have a plan to move but due to finances we just can’t practically do that until the new year. Even then I don’t know how we can afford the stamp duty and removal costs. But we’re saving every penny we have spare to try and make it a reality.

In the interim I’ve got to cope with this and I don’t know how. It’s mostly noise related (tonight the reason I’m awake at past midnight is that I’ve listened to their music in the garden all evening, then a party indoors afterwards. It was absolutely booming) In the daytime I get various radios, dogs, music, etc. I can hear it inside my house and although I admit I am sensitive to it, I really don’t think I should literally never get to use my garden unless I want to listen to someone else’s entertainment.

The other neighbours are the same. They say they hear everyone else’s music and don’t mind so they play theirs too. The only one who doesn’t is an elderly lady and at the start of lockdown she moved into her daughters house.

I’ve tried everything. Sweating inside with the windows shut. White noise. Wine. Begging to their better nature. Screaming. Literally everything. I can’t wear earplugs I have young DC. Either way I’ve got to cope with the rest of the summer and autumn like this. My nerves are in pieces I’m always listening for it, wondering when it’s going to start (10am usually), wondering how loud it’ll be, wondering if I’ll be kept awake. Then I start to worry that we’ll move and get another crap neighbour or set of neighbours then what will I do?

I know it’s not just me because DH feels the same. I’m worried he’ll explode one of these days. But his mental health is better than mine and he’s not thinking about this 24/7 like I now am.

Tell me what to do to cope with this? Im so sad and so anxious and totally fed up. I’m going to try and sleep now but hoping to come back tomorrow morning and find the answer to all my problems.

F

There does seem to be a lack of common courtesy with a lot of people these days. Your situation would upset me too. Could you perhaps rent your house out and rent somewhere else yourselves? The quote "hell is other people" springs to mind.

If it’s that loud surely you can make a noise complaint? When you move it would be well worth considering something rural if possible. Having neighbours in close proximity is never pleasant. Even if they’re not difficult one is always worried about doing something to disturb them.

That’s truly my hell. Record when you can hear the noise and report it

I live in a row of houses and all the other houses have single elderly people living in them, I did this on purpose because people are arseholes and I don't want to hear kids screeching all day.
It's quiet, for the first time in years, blissfully, peacefully quiet.
i feel your pain.

Then I start to worry that we’ll move and get another crap neighbour or set of neighbours then what will I do?

When you get noise-sensitive (which you admit you are) then it is absolutely awful because it is impossible to ignore.

In hindsight, moving to a house so bounded by neighbours was probably not great. That is A LOT of neighbours on your boundary. It seems you swapped immediate 'problem' neighbours for a whole bunch of them even though you are detached.

I think you need to consider if you can live in a crowded neighbourhood at all, or if you actually need to be somewhere a bit more rural/semi-rural? Depending on where you live at the moment.

It's not a judgement. My dad could no sooner live with close neighbours than fly to the moon. So it's a rural house with a BIG garden... and all the maintenance and inconvenience with transport etc etc that brings.

I live in a detached house with at least 5 neighbouring gardens and some road traffic noise. I am inured to it - I lived for ages in a flat in inner London, it seems peaceful by comparison. It's convenient for a train station etc.

Both choices are fine, I would hate my dad's compromises on transport and he'd hate my neigbours!

Ultimately, you can only change your own reactions or yourself. When you move, now you know you need almost total peace and quiet. So you'll probably need to sacrifice something to get that. Decide what that is. It will bring you more comfort in the long-run than trying to make the neighbours be quieter.

Hi OP, we're in a similar situation (thought just one set of noisy neighbours, right next door). It's all come to a head the last few days and it's now affecting me so badly that I've started throwing up with anxiety. I have no answers for your situation, just wanted to offer a handhold through the ether. I think I'm quite a resilient person in general but the constant noise is so awful that I feel almost deranged, and I'm genuinely worried about my mental health going forward. I know exactly how you feel

Oh I really feel this, I moved into a cul-de-sac 2 years ago due to a right arsehole of a neighbour and seem to have moved into a pit where they all mostly are up eachothers arses and cannot master the basic skill of talking. Everything is loud, at all hours of the day - its nearly 2am and there is a dog constantly barking and the people are aware ffs! Im just so sick of it. I really am. What I do find OP, when it gets too much I go to the park and find a quiet spot and sit, you have to get peace and quiet somewhere and that little bit of headspace is good. I sometimes feel though I pay nearly £400p/m, so if I want to enjoy my garden I bloody well will! Is there anyone you could make plans with? Maybe get away for a few hours?

That must be so annoying. I hate other people’s noise.
I invested in a decent pair of noise cancelling headphones, they are amazing, comfy and almost completely block out the sound. I’d definitely say a £200 investment is worth it. You shouldn’t have to resort to this though, but if you’ve exhausted all other avenues.

I’m having the same problem with my neighbours since they have been furloughed,iv spent a lot of time and money doing my garden up but we just can’t sit in it,it’s loud rave music

Thank you. I know I am being sensitive but if I knew how to switch that off I would.

And yes 1000% the next house is semi rural. This is going to mean both downsizing and increasing our already big mortgage but i don’t know what else to do to buy some quiet.

I do go out and get peace but when I’m out I’m dreading what I’m going back to. Literally dreading it.

I’ve decided to buy a Small air con unit today as that might mean we can sleep with the windows closed at least. We have a very tall house and the upper floor gets so hot.

I just need to get the anxiety under control. I slept from 1.30-4 then I was wide awake. The first thing i did this morning was look outside to see what was going on. And it’s from all sides - when one stops the other starts.

The worst offender is the house at position 11. It’s a very small house with a lot of people in it so of course they’ve been outside lots. I have his number as during one really bad night I went over and begged and begged and cried for him to stop and eventually he did but I also asked for his number which in his inebriated state he gave me. Last night I messaged him asking him to please turn it down, we have children at school now and I start work at 8. He replied about 6 paragraphs of why he thought I should wind my neck in and it was his business. He’s checked with all the neighbours and they all don’t mind and say ‘you’re having fun, so are we, crack on’.... so that response has done nothing to abate the anxiety. One of the other houses sits outside till the early hours singing and playing a guitar. One has dogs who bark incessantly and voices like foghorns that just shout over the tops of the dogs. The other side the owner is a music composer. Enough said probably.

It’s all I’m thinking about. Tell me how to stop that being the case.

Keep a diary and contact environmental health for the nighttime stuff at least.

I feel your pain, but unfortunately it is part and parcel of living amongst other houses and with residents who are not considerate of others.
I have the same issues, but thankfully no late partying. Unfortunately I had to downsize due to a divorce from detached with large private garden to a semi with small garden surrounded by neighbours.
I have done my best to rationalize the noise by saying to myself it is what you come to expect in family homes...it could be worse etc.
However people are so entitled and thoughtless and this has continued through lockdown where it has not existed for some of my neighbour's.
Some people have no volume button...shout instead of talk, children and grown us alike. When we are in the garden we talk quietly as we do not want the neighbourhood to hear our conversations and like to be considerate of others.
Ironically I have 2 sets of grandparents either side and they seem to be joined at the hips with their family...always visiting. I want to scream ' why not go to their's instead once in a while? ' Or take them for a walk...leave the house...even leave the garden...
Huge trampoline overhanging my fence, bouncy castle, swimming pool, grandchildren screaming all day, shouting and loud conversations.
Sadly moving to the middle of nowhere is the only answer.

@ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal environmental health don’t give a flying chuff about any noise whatsoever before 10pm. If we start to log post 10pm we will have to declare it. And on speaking to them on the phone they said they have so many cases that it literally needs to be a daily occurrence. Plus one day it’s one house, the other house another day, etc etc.

DH is marvellous and grounding but he is as wound up as I am. But he does manage with work and chores to distract himself. Whereas I’m switched on to this all the time now. It is much much quieter in the winter but we still get the odd late night party through closed doors. Unbelievably the party house contains small children but he claims that the music that I can hear every word of 30ft away, from my closed double glazed windows, doesn’t even disturb his DC How can that be healthy?

In his message back last night he called me a controlling bully. I know i need to toughen up but every time I think of that I choke up. I can’t stand that people think that of me. Is so far from the truth.

I feel like I want to pack a case and run.

I started wearing earplugs 20 years ago because of noisy neighbors. I'm addicted to them now, both at night (i still heard the babies cry) and during the day when I'm starting to get frazzled (again, the earplugs only cancel out around 50% of the noise, so you'll still be able to hear the children)

Give them a try, they saved my sanity while my whole family was oblivious to the neighbors noises!!! I recommend the attached

You have my every sympathy. I moved because I couldn't stand the noise any longer, and that was just from my immediate (joined) neighbours.

I'm looking for a new house and am equal parts excited and worried about ending up with noisy neighbours again - I know only too well the anxiety you describe, worrying when it will start up again. Horrible.

@BovvyDazz can I ask the details of the noise cancelling headphones please? Ideally I need a pair that are comfortable to wear lying in bed, because I listen to music or audiobooks to get sleepy.

It's awful op, we have one next door neighbour blasting opera like Pavarotti out all day, then their telly til 2am most nights. The other ndn is better because we're not attached but they've been furloughed so with the nice weather during most of lockdown, they've been sitting in the garden playing loud music from around 11am til about 7pm when they then go inside to cook dinner (our kitchen windows are opposite theirs and being open in this weather we can hear and smell the cooking, so I'm not being a curtain twitcher!) They've been having a BBQ every Sat or Sun and then the music stays on outside til about 9 when the sun goes down.

I feel for you it sounds awful. I had a bad neighbour once and it's really intrusive and miserable, home should be where you feel safe and peaceful.
Has it always been like this or is it mainly because everyone's at home with lockdown?
I wouldn't say you necessarily need to move rurally, I live on an estate but my garden backs onto trees, which was a big selling point for me and would be again if I was house hunting. I have quiet neighbours too, it's just luck of the draw.

The house I currently live in is the first "family" development I have lived on and it is the noisest place I have ever known. Previously I rented apartments occupied by single professionals. Apart from the odd party it was quiet. The house I grew up in was surrounded by elderly folk.

I think people have become more selfish. I know this is unpopular view on MN but trampolines are appalling anti social pieces of equipment.

I'd suggest looking at bungalows with elderly residents. Nowadays family sized homes with gardens are frought with potential noise problems. Of course you can get lucky my MIL's road is really quiet but if one of the older neighbours moves out a risk arises.

Sony and Bose are good for noise cancelling headphones They'll cost £200+.

Oldies are not necessarily quieter! They can bellow, have loud tv's/music etc, those little yappy dogs etc etc.

My house is in a bit of an odd position and so my driveway and garden is backed onto by 3 or 4 bungalows with oldies living in them.. although there are no kids or parties they are definitely NOT quiet one likes to sit outside with radio 4 (or something) booming, another likes to practice the violin loud! Dont be fooled into thinking they would be a quiet option OP haha

It sounds awful, but I also think you need to find a way to accept that you can’t control every aspect of your environment. You sound obsessed with this which can’t be good for your health.

Some good practical suggestions here about head phones. What about trying mindfulness or some other type of meditation to focus your thoughts elsewhere?

I would also stop with the messaging and begging neighbours to keep the noise down. It’s clearly not making a difference, just winding you up more. Also it could come back to bite you when you try to sell. The forms you have to complete as a seller are extremely detailed, I think they may even include questions about whether you’ve ever had any sort of conflict with neighbours, regardless of whether you’ve got as far as a formal complaint to the council. Your complaints are documented (as you’ve messaged your neighbours) and you don’t want any future buyer using this against you if you don’t declare it

While making realistic plans to move are sensible for longer term, I don’t think doing it in a panic and rush are sensible. You could exchange problem neighbours for a whole new financial set of problems and the stress will be just as great.

Think carefully too. Sounds like you prioritised detached over everything else, but frankly a lot of new detacheds are very hemmed in by others properties and the surrounding noise can be worse than in a solid semi or terrace!

Think too about going too rural. A house with no adjoining gardens or near neighbours will likely be somewhere with no transport links or shop... that may sound like bliss to you right now, but you mention children, and tbh I think it’s extremely hard for young people living very rurally. Sometimes schools and further education are a problem too; they aren’t always great and choice can be very limited.

So all in all I think you need to find a way to get this in perspective. I’d be pissed off too, but this is occupying your every waking minute and that’s really not good for you or your family. Try to accept that you can’t control every aspect of your environment-none of us can. Accepting that can be quite liberating. I’m not saying you should just put up with shitty behaviour but you sound in danger of making this even worse for yourself because now you’re obsessing about every surrounding house, who lives there, when they might start making a noise... You’re even worrying hypothetically about the next place you move to! There’s got to be a balance here of focussing on your own life and trying to block out these thoughts

Really feel for you, I hope this doesn’t sound harsh, I’m just trying to be realistic

Thank you. Yes any recommendations to noise cancelling earplugs would be appreciated. I have tried foam ones and they hurt my ears a bit if used repeatedly, so maybe I need to spend out.

Honestly I thought hearing your horror stories would really ramp my anxiety up but actually it’s helped a bit. I do appreciate how common this is. I’m so sorry for anyone else but I really do admire the ability to ‘forget they are there’ or ‘tune it out’ or to ignore them.

My head is such a mess and I swing from thinking he’s going to do it again/what are they doing now/oh crap is it starting again/etc and worse I start listening to every pin drop. I don’t mind trying earplugs again at night but in the day I need to interact with the kids, work, etc. Home alone that’s do-able but that’s not going to happen till September now!

The thought of being here till September dealing with this literally sets me off crying again.

I completely feel your pain. I moved from a flat where you could hear everything to a detached house with only one adjoining neighbour and they can't do ANYTHING quietly, there are footballs smashing into the fence, shouting, slamming of bin lids, constant swearing, slamming of car doors and revving of engines at all hours and it is SO much worse due to lockdown. I just can't wait for them to go back to work so I can, at least occasionally use my garden without listening to them shouting at each other... and when they aren't doing it, you find yourself waiting for them to start.

I think they may even include questions about whether you’ve ever had any sort of conflict with neighbours, regardless of whether you’ve got as far as a formal complaint to the councilYou think wrong. It only includes formal disputes. If you report them to the council OP, then you would have to declare it when you sell.