Help me cope with my neighbours before my mental health gets beyond recovery, please

[Nomorewineever]

We moved to a detached house 6 years ago as we wanted to get away from a house with a bully neighbour who used to call me names/shout insults and block my car in.

It was the worst decision we ever made. 5 houses back onto us (like 9pm, 11pm, midnight, 1am and 3am if you imagine a clock). We did loads of viewings and research. No red flags. But we have issues with all but one if those houses which are making me ill.

We have a plan to move but due to finances we just can’t practically do that until the new year. Even then I don’t know how we can afford the stamp duty and removal costs. But we’re saving every penny we have spare to try and make it a reality.

In the interim I’ve got to cope with this and I don’t know how. It’s mostly noise related (tonight the reason I’m awake at past midnight is that I’ve listened to their music in the garden all evening, then a party indoors afterwards. It was absolutely booming) In the daytime I get various radios, dogs, music, etc. I can hear it inside my house and although I admit I am sensitive to it, I really don’t think I should literally never get to use my garden unless I want to listen to someone else’s entertainment.

The other neighbours are the same. They say they hear everyone else’s music and don’t mind so they play theirs too. The only one who doesn’t is an elderly lady and at the start of lockdown she moved into her daughters house.

I’ve tried everything. Sweating inside with the windows shut. White noise. Wine. Begging to their better nature. Screaming. Literally everything. I can’t wear earplugs I have young DC. Either way I’ve got to cope with the rest of the summer and autumn like this. My nerves are in pieces I’m always listening for it, wondering when it’s going to start (10am usually), wondering how loud it’ll be, wondering if I’ll be kept awake. Then I start to worry that we’ll move and get another crap neighbour or set of neighbours then what will I do?

I know it’s not just me because DH feels the same. I’m worried he’ll explode one of these days. But his mental health is better than mine and he’s not thinking about this 24/7 like I now am.

Tell me what to do to cope with this? Im so sad and so anxious and totally fed up. I’m going to try and sleep now but hoping to come back tomorrow morning and find the answer to all my problems.

• Plus, when we moved in, that house was occupied by a lovely retired couple but we only had about 3 years of that (so definitely choose carefully!) Their daughter now rents it out.

Don't count on semi-rural being quiet. It's noisy in different ways. You sound obsessed about this, in addition to noise cancelling headphones I'd see a GP. It's really not normal to be thinking of getting into extreme debt over what sounds like normal 'people noise' and it's not even 11pm and in lockdown. Begging and crying is a bit, sorry, but that sounds very disturbed.

We're semi-rural and it's not very nice for teens/older kids. We're moving.

If you have filed complaints you may also have to disclose them to potential buyers, there's a thread running in active from an OP who found out the neighbour of the house she was buying had noise issues and she just pulled out of the sale, the seller didn't disclose.

Thank you. I’ve done some research and booked an online initial appointment with a CBT lady who has an excellent reputation. It’s next Monday.

We wouldn’t be going into ‘extreme debt’ to move - well within the confines of what our lender deems do-able. It would just mean bigger monthly payments and more that the costs of moving would really eat into our savings and would need a lot of topping up as we hopefully sensibly believe you should have enough savings to cover a few months of income. We have that, but it would be gone, and we’d want to replace that before moving and build on it for a safer position. Plus other factors like moving nearer my parents (next small outlying town, can hear a pin drop in their street), or to an outlying area.

The house opposite the front (6pm) is a building site. And their neighbours LOVE a jet wash. The building site is almost finished now (another reason to wait to move, that’ll help when it’s finished) but all that building work for 2 summers and the jet washing doesn’t bother me at all, not one bit. It’s the incessant bass thump like a heartbeat.

@CoconutBreath

Foam earplugs aren't a total fix by any means but if you suffered pain from wearing normal ones you could try Macks dream girl earplugs- I use them every night and I don't get pain from these as they are designed for smaller ears.

I understand what you are going through I had noisy neighbours who were horrible once and it started to take over my life, waiting and listening for every sound. It's truly awful.

Good luck

I use the purple ones, they're very good.

I can't offer any advice really but after hearing my neighbours bellowing, yelling, playing music loudly, thrashing sports cars up the road and generally behaving like inconsiderate bellends for years I ended up losing it completely on Bank Holiday Monday.. I think I had reached the end of my tether and decided I couldn't endure it for another 5 years or so. We ploughed 1000's into the house renovating it and it is our dream home and I really don't want to move. This is my forever home, and even with a 1/2 acre garden all I can hear is him bellowing and spent most of last summer indoors because of it. I resorted to playing Lily Allen's "Fuck you" on repeat and full blast for about 2 hours. Then ended up having a massive row with the overbearing cock who "thinks he owns the road" next door when he came over to complain about the noise. Funnily enough I haven't really heard a peep from him since. The children still scream but he has stopped the bellowing and blasting out music at least.

I would report it.

Unfortunately you are going to have to live with some degree of neighbourly noise I'm afraid as there are inconsiderate people everywhere

Nomorewineever another one here feeling your pain and hoping there is a special corner of hell (not actually sure if I mean this jokingly or not....no, I'm serious) for the neighbours you and other describe on this thread.

DH and I have moved house TWICE with 3 DC due to noisy antisocial neighbours. Last house we were initially fine next to an older couple until they moved and the couple from hell moved in. Then came the cannabis smoke pervading through our house and the all night parties, the thing that stopped me going totally insane was a white noise machine (I see you tried it), best £50 we ever spent, granted it didn't block the louder stuff out.

Now like you we are in a detached (again, went for this after swearing we could no longer stand a semi) and we now have neighbours at the back who think everyone else is interested in their music, radio, phonecalls etc etc. Part of me wants to scream at them but after many years of arguing with previous neighbours I know where this gets me...

I have no easy answers except to echo that the noise cancelling headphones sound like a good investment. Also, as another poster said the only things you can readily control are your thoughts and behaviour so I think it is worth seeking some help (professional or otherwise) with coping mechanisms. From past experience with myself and esp DH when you have to put up with this constant crap you do start to focus on it and it can become all encompassing. If you can possible shift you focus to other things and take measures to try and block out the noise where possible this should hopefully help you.

I hope it does help to know you are not alone with this problem. There are regretfully a lot of selfish people around, if only they could all be located to the same plot of houses and leave the rest of us in peace!

How are you now, OP?

I absolutely understand and feel your pain and anguish. I have no idea why people feel it’s okay to make “a load of noise” in open spaces close to neighbours, where they know others will hear it at the same volume that they do.

We have two very near-neighbours who regularly played loud music and I was getting more and more stressed. I dreaded warm weather, dreaded coming home, hated my neighbours and was seriously worried about my mental health. When lockdown was announced, I was in despair. I’d always been able to escape Bank Holiday weekends with short UK trips away and couldn’t bear the thought of being hemmed in at home. And of course we had the two hottest, driest May Bank Holiday weekends ever! Well - of course we did!

I knew I had to change my own behaviour and thoughts. I couldn’t take control over them but I could take control over myself. So I got up very early in the mornings and sat outside in the garden, telling myself this was “my” time. This was very good for me. I went out in the afternoons for walks. When I was desperate in the house for fresh air, I sat in the bedroom at the front of the house with the windows wide open, wearing noise cancelling headphones if necessary.(Sony are excellent, teamed with a white noise app. or try birdsong - I downloaded albums).

My husband had never been bothered about the music as he was inside the house a lot and just complained about my stressed state. This time though it was him who got fed up while I remained calm. Result! We discussed it and after another horrendous BH weekend, we went round to the neighbours in their garden. We’d always done our best to maintain good relations no matter how we felt. We took the line of, “you probably don’t realise but...”. and “if we don’t tell you, you won’t know”. (“Silence is Assent”’). They were completely onboard and the music has stopped. Just like that.

Another neighbour is loud but only in the evenings a couple of times a week and I go to the bedroom where I can’t hear him, and am at peace. I now have a more “live and let live” attitude with him.

I know what you’re going through and as you say, you have children so have to be able to hear them. So do your best to control what you can. It had a huge effect on my personal mental health and stress levels.

I am a,huge fan of noise cancelling headphones

I treated myself to these at Christmas. Stupidly expensive, but I’ve worn them continuously at home (including for working from home and making calls etc) so in terms of £/hour they worked out great value!

www.johnlewis.com/bose-quietcomfort-noise-cancelling-qc35-ii-over-ear-wireless-bluetooth-nfc-headphones-with-mic-remote-built-in-google-assistant-alexa/p4211033?s_ppc=1dxDSA-ELECTRICALS-PP39700045679062449&tmad=c&tmcampid=1&gclsrc=aw.ds&&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI15zYrY_m6QIVl-7tCh32HQc4EAAYAiAAEgITG_D_BwE

You can get them cheaper, mine were ‘only‘ £200 But so damn worth it. The noise cancelling is controllable, so you can have off/low/high. I have kids, and I can hear enough to hear them calling (or falling). And I wear them in bed to listen to audiobooks.

Thank you so much
@Abracadabra1234 thank you. Although discussions with our noise polluters has already been done and seems further pointless and to that I am resigned.

As I say I have CBT booked but as as example...
It’s peeing it down today but still I am thinking this doesn’t preclude an indoor party. I’m window gazing as to whether they are home or not. I went out to do the food shop and doing it I thought I caught a glimpse of someone fitting the description of my neighbour and panicked they were in the shop with me, what would I say, and then got into a relentless mental theoretical conversation with them. my shopping then took second place. And every time I did it I would say to myself ‘stop this think of something else’ but it was almost impossible to do that as it felt like my default position.

I do totally accept that still being incredibly anxious about an event that happened two days ago is not okay. I’m still thinking of it now. My primary instinct coming up to bed was to look at the window and see what they are doing. Are they home? Are they in bed? But at the same time it’s the dichotomy of knowing that underneath it all they are genuinely quite unreasonable but at other time they can do as they fancy. It’s like that’s an element I need to separate out.

So hard but feeling positive about CBT next week.

@flamingoz I’ve got these Sony ones.
www.johnlewis.com/sony-wh-1000xm3-noise-cancelling-wireless-bluetooth-nfc-high-resolution-audio-over-ear-headphones-with-mic-remote/p3751140

I originally went for cheaper (£80) ones but they just didn’t cut it either for the noise cancelling effect or for comfort. I love the pair linked so much. (I actually got them for Toby Deals from Hong Kong for about 30% cheaper). You can get the same pair as in ear headphones too which may be better for at night.

Just popping in to say most cancelling headphones only really take the bass tones out, so you would still hear the higher frequencies like a child crying or speaking.
My headphones are my life saver. I use them everyday as we live near an airport and the flights start at 6am - or at least they used to. The only good side to lockdown.
They are definitely work a try.

OP, re your comment:

"11pm the H does work but he’s working at home at the moment. She is on mat leave (yes, really!!) and I don’t think she’ll go back (outing but company with massive losses recently). Their late night partying is generally most weekends during the summer anyway, bank holiday Sundays, then random ones like last night."

Maybe when the baby arrives most of their partying will stop. Also, he might find working from home a bit noisy if the baby cries a lot, so maybe he will be glad to travel into work again, once that is possible. So, hopefully their household will become quieter in time.

I would make a point of getting out of the house for a walk to a quiet spot every day, to sit and enjoy the peace and quiet. Take a drink with you, and maybe a book, and time the walk for the part of the day when the noise is at its worst (you will have noticed the pattern, no doubt).

Also, buy some noise cancelling headphones for those times when you don't need to listen out for the DC - perhaps ask DH to look after them for a set time each day, so you can have some headspace in your lovely garden.

Long term a move to somewhere with fewer neighbours backing onto you would be great, but meantime you need to take any small steps you can to survive this unwanted noise pollution. Do you have any relatives/friends who you could visit, who have a quiet garden that they would happily share with you? My parents' large garden became my refuge, when the neighbours were having noisy building work done.

The neighbour who sent you the nasty texts sounds like the bully in this situation, I bet his neighbours hate his behaviour but have learned that it's wise not to cross him as it gets them nowhere.

Final thoughts... lockdown/furlough won't last forever, and maybe one or more of them might end up moving before you, due to redundancy or other reasons. The ones who are into partying are putting themselves at risk of catching the virus, so that might put a stop to their partying ways, one way or another.

So many people are loud and inconsiderate. We have a similar problem.

I got very stressed & have been using a mindfulness book called “Mindfulness: a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world” by Mark Williams & Danny Penma. It’s been really helpful so far.

OP have you thought of going to your gp and asking for anxiety meds to help your anxiety. I am also sensative to noise but this has helped me so much to the stage I dont really care of the noise much anymore.
Worth a thought op

I am not disputing your neighbours are loud and insensitive but I really think a lot of it is your mental health. You say youre at the stage of listening and waiting out for it and every noise is now bothering you.

I do feel for you as I had times too in my life where my anxiety is ramped up because of noisy neighbours and ive also been subject to the rage of a neighbour whos walls were so thin that us leading a normal life next door was too much for him.
I think to live in fairly close proximity to people when you're anxious is hard. I dont think all of us are designed for it.
I would try and sell up as soon as possible. The next owner might be someone that thrives in a lively community.
In the meantime do you take anything for your anxiety.
Something like 5htp really helps mine, or those kalms tablets if you dont want to go down the doctors route

Where do people live that this is considered normal neighbour noise? What an indictment of modern society!

I'm extremely noise sensitive and am thinking of moving somewhere quieter (have had issues with neighbours, although there was a more obvious antisocial element than pure noise), but my current situation is tranquil bliss compared to what the op and others have experienced.

Now wondering if it's possible, considering what some posters think is normal.

I don't agree with the idea that you'd necessarily hate the noise of the countryside if you dislike urban neighbour noise. I specifically can't tolerate music, TVs, voices. Not bothered about church bells (have them here in fact), animals/birds, trains (again, very audible here and not a problem) at all.

You know that saying about how you can’t control other people’s behaviour but you can control your reaction to it? This is what applies here,

It’s not going to change and you need to accept that. So you need to force yourself not to focus on it, to force your mind to think of something else.

My neighbours can be noisy with cars and gardening equipment. I find it I get annoyed at it it becomes first and foremost in my mind, however if I get distracted I tune it out. And you can learn to tune it out. People live beside roads, rail lines, under air paths etc and they simply stop hearing it. Because they tune it out.

I’m afraid you’re going to have to do the same thing.

@bluntness I agree, but I do fundamentally know it’s also out of order to wake your neighbours up with pounding music. This is part of the issue - the internal bloody dialogue

‘He’s a tosser, he should not be doing this’
‘Focus elsewhere’
‘But it’s not okay that he does this, is it?’

And I can’t stand stuff that’s wrong. I’m one of those very irritating people to stick to rules rigidly so I suppose I want everyone else to subconsciously. I’m also a very conscientious person - what people think of me and my behaviour really matters to me, so egocentrically I can’t grasp why other people are so unbothered when they upset others.

The day to day stuff I need to get a grip over. But the night time partying really is unfair.

I want nothing more than to be able to focus elsewhere I really do. I have tried to force myself and it’s not working, which is why I’ve arranged the CBT to hopefully give me a steer.

@Byllis we sound similar. Those are the things I hate but music most of all. I’m not so bad with voices but I do get annoyed when people shout instead of talk normally, but it doesn’t give me the Adrenalin fight or flight feeling that music does.

As I said upthread I grew up on a main London road, that noise did not bother me at all. Planes. Inanimate objects. Trains. The builders working on the road. None of that bothers me. No one is making those noises without a need or not caring about other people. But the bass thump of music really does get right in my head.

I am so sorry for you. Clearly you are in pig central and the best thing is to sell up to another pig. It sounds like you are living in a student enclave only they are adults - nightmare.

The 'I can do what I like' attitude is endemic in this country, I do wonder sometimes if there is such a thing as too much freedom.

If they won't do anything even when they drive you to tears there is no hope short of a shotgun. And sadly that IS illegal.

We are going to be having new people in the next couple of days behind us. The last two lots were a pain in the arse. The first lot went, then another moved in and she decided to crank up the music outside, between three of us we got her stopped quite quickly.

If the next lot that move in do the same, me and the two other neighbours have agreed we will be all over it. I guess it helps that it's rented out and we hammered the HA that manages it and will do the same again. No way we are going to put up with it.

Fingers crossed a wanker doesn't move in.

I don't think you are 'noise sensitive'. I think some people become desensitised to noise, and don't know or care what it's like for others.

I feel exactly like you about music. You have described very well the experience I have. I am also driven by fairness.

I really have started to hate other people! The selfishness is just hideous.

Hi OP, I'm the same, and think it must be something similar in the brain to PTSD. I'm autistic, I don't know if you might also be on the spectrum though.

We lived in a really noisy horrible place and it genuinely traumatised me. I dont think we're built to deal well with endless noise as humans. Really until a very short time ago there's nowhere where you'd have so many different kinds of sound all the time.

I've tried everything including meds and therapy and CBT, but even now many years on in a new quiet area, I get that adrenaline shot of fear from certain sounds, and worry about new neighbours.

Basically these days I live by avoidance: I have all the headphones and can say that the Sony ones are best (but pricey). I can't sleep without ear plugs anymore which is annoying but it means I sleep at least. I also have an air conditioner which will help you in the summer because its effectively like a big white noise machine.

If you find a solution I'd love to hear it though!

@Oxyiz interesting! I’m very sure I’m not on the spectrum however there is one thing which resonates along the PTSD line....

As a 16 year old taking my exams, I was home alone one night (DM worked nights sometimes) and I had a maths exam the next day. Next door adjoining kept me awake with loud music. I was in tears and didn’t know what to do. I was panicking because I knew I had this exam to do. I did appallingly in the exam and had to re-sit and have always, always remembered how it made me feel. I wonder if there is a connection to how I feel now? The out of control response?

But anyway, I do also believe you are universally right in the replies above - behaviour like his ISN’T okay and the society we live in has changed to make this shitty attitude prevalent and far too common. However I very strongly think he won’t change, which in turn then makes me feel massively out of control.