Help me cope with my neighbours before my mental health gets beyond recovery, please

[Nomorewineever]

We moved to a detached house 6 years ago as we wanted to get away from a house with a bully neighbour who used to call me names/shout insults and block my car in.

It was the worst decision we ever made. 5 houses back onto us (like 9pm, 11pm, midnight, 1am and 3am if you imagine a clock). We did loads of viewings and research. No red flags. But we have issues with all but one if those houses which are making me ill.

We have a plan to move but due to finances we just can’t practically do that until the new year. Even then I don’t know how we can afford the stamp duty and removal costs. But we’re saving every penny we have spare to try and make it a reality.

In the interim I’ve got to cope with this and I don’t know how. It’s mostly noise related (tonight the reason I’m awake at past midnight is that I’ve listened to their music in the garden all evening, then a party indoors afterwards. It was absolutely booming) In the daytime I get various radios, dogs, music, etc. I can hear it inside my house and although I admit I am sensitive to it, I really don’t think I should literally never get to use my garden unless I want to listen to someone else’s entertainment.

The other neighbours are the same. They say they hear everyone else’s music and don’t mind so they play theirs too. The only one who doesn’t is an elderly lady and at the start of lockdown she moved into her daughters house.

I’ve tried everything. Sweating inside with the windows shut. White noise. Wine. Begging to their better nature. Screaming. Literally everything. I can’t wear earplugs I have young DC. Either way I’ve got to cope with the rest of the summer and autumn like this. My nerves are in pieces I’m always listening for it, wondering when it’s going to start (10am usually), wondering how loud it’ll be, wondering if I’ll be kept awake. Then I start to worry that we’ll move and get another crap neighbour or set of neighbours then what will I do?

I know it’s not just me because DH feels the same. I’m worried he’ll explode one of these days. But his mental health is better than mine and he’s not thinking about this 24/7 like I now am.

Tell me what to do to cope with this? Im so sad and so anxious and totally fed up. I’m going to try and sleep now but hoping to come back tomorrow morning and find the answer to all my problems.

I've 2 women next door to me for months lve been bullied by them, one likes to keep shouting lm sick off my head,now this is constant, they tell neighbours on other side where they live it's a terrible sit out at the front door with the neighbours on her side, all l hear is sick off her head, never ceases and getting this day and night pure intimidation.they made living room a bedroom sit there 24/7 with a tv, l cant dnything as one of them sits right at my wall,

I’d love to know the outcome of this thread for @Nomorewineever

@Abracadabra12345 I am the OP with a name
change.

I had CBT and it helped calm me down, rationalise, and led me (us) to control my response but that didn’t stop the conclusion that the neighbours we were dealing with didn’t want to live in a community in the same way we did. We as quiet, respectful people didn’t fit in. None of them gave a shit about how they affected each other, but we did. We expected the same in return but didn’t get it. No one else seemed to care, so we got out and left them all to it. Living as we did there was horrid,
for us.

I don’t know if I detailed it but as an example, our kitchen window was about 10ft from the neighbours side door. They had a terrier. The husband had a drinking habit which started at about 2pm every day. He would come out with a can of beer and kick a ball for the dog, drinking his beer. The dog would bring the ball back to his feet and bark and bark and bark till he kicked the ball again. 2pm-7pm every day. Drinking and kicking. Then the party music man. And so on. Beautiful house. Idiot neighbours. We tried so hard to address things. They didn’t see partying/barking/music as problems. Slipknot at 3am for hours is apparently not a problem.

We sucked up a massive mortgage hike and now live with people who I can see, totally, are like we are. There is occasional noise - rare!! We are prewarned and it’s short duration. People are kind, considerate, really caring, quiet and welcoming, we now have such brilliant quality of life. Leagues apart.

@Nomorewineever

Additionally to the foam earplugs, for really loud times you can look into ear protection that construction workers use. These are large over-ear "headphones" for example from 3M. Search with a keyword like "noise protection".

Yes, they look ridiculous, but they buffer enough that you can think better and be at least a little more calm. You can get such for your kids, too, if they need to sleep. Make sure that you select those of which you can adjust the size of the frame; I read some comments about "too small" protectors, but people didn't figure out that you can adjust most of them, at least the ones from 3M, but maybe not from other companies.
For kids, you can add some fabric over the parts that cover the ears, like a cutoff sock or something like that, so they are softer and less plasticky.

If you have a fire alarm in your house, check that you can still hear it, but it is a different kind of sound, so usually you still hear things like that; they help with the beats from the music. I know they look ridiculous, btw, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Additionally, they are a bit cheaper than the high price NC headphones, so if you need to save up for them, this protective headgear helps in the meantime.

You can also look up blogs for sound insulation, sometimes there are ideas on how to muffle sound better, like panels out of felt, or you could think about how to insulate at least the sleeping / working areas better, with items that you can dismantle when you move and take with you, so that you have at least one "safe" room. Often tips for insulation against cold, such as thick curtains in front of the windows, can help with sound insulation, too.

sending you strength 💐

whoops, realized an old thread resurfaced... Maybe my comments still help someone else.

@ForestAtTheSea thank you for your kind reply, but with the greatest of respects, no one should have to be putting sock covered headphones on their children or themselves, just to be able to live their lives inside their own homes. No one.

If you want to listen to slipknot at 3am then THEY should be the ones with the headphones on.

I totally agree; but as I was replying after seeing the first couple of replies from you, it sounded like a really bad situation.
No-one should have to do that, but not everyone can move immediatly from bad neighbours; plenty of threads on here with a related theme. At least they give a bit of silence to plot your strategy.

@Nomorewineever Thank you so much for your update. It’s a salutary lesson that sometimes it’s us who’s the wrong fit. I hope whoever bought your house was a good fit! Were you able to do viewings at quieter times?

Im so glad that you came to understand that peace is priceless and your DH was on board with moving despite losing money. Where you live sounds perfect

I know you were in a real state when you started this thread and it’s good that cbt was helpful, something I’ve considered. Fortunately we have great neighbours but for one but he’s calmed down recently and is luckily out a lot. However I’d be interested in cbt if things deteriorate as the warm weather continues because I know he’s not terrible. I have the inner conversations you described earlier in this thread and the inner rage so to change thought patterns seems helpful

Thank you again for coming back

@Abracadabra12345 welcome to message me anytime. I know the fear/worry etc and what it does to you.

And yes, the buyer was even more of a ‘party man’ who ironically has annoyed the neighbours we left behind!

karma!