Help me cope with my neighbours before my mental health gets beyond recovery, please

[Nomorewineever]

We moved to a detached house 6 years ago as we wanted to get away from a house with a bully neighbour who used to call me names/shout insults and block my car in.

It was the worst decision we ever made. 5 houses back onto us (like 9pm, 11pm, midnight, 1am and 3am if you imagine a clock). We did loads of viewings and research. No red flags. But we have issues with all but one if those houses which are making me ill.

We have a plan to move but due to finances we just can’t practically do that until the new year. Even then I don’t know how we can afford the stamp duty and removal costs. But we’re saving every penny we have spare to try and make it a reality.

In the interim I’ve got to cope with this and I don’t know how. It’s mostly noise related (tonight the reason I’m awake at past midnight is that I’ve listened to their music in the garden all evening, then a party indoors afterwards. It was absolutely booming) In the daytime I get various radios, dogs, music, etc. I can hear it inside my house and although I admit I am sensitive to it, I really don’t think I should literally never get to use my garden unless I want to listen to someone else’s entertainment.

The other neighbours are the same. They say they hear everyone else’s music and don’t mind so they play theirs too. The only one who doesn’t is an elderly lady and at the start of lockdown she moved into her daughters house.

I’ve tried everything. Sweating inside with the windows shut. White noise. Wine. Begging to their better nature. Screaming. Literally everything. I can’t wear earplugs I have young DC. Either way I’ve got to cope with the rest of the summer and autumn like this. My nerves are in pieces I’m always listening for it, wondering when it’s going to start (10am usually), wondering how loud it’ll be, wondering if I’ll be kept awake. Then I start to worry that we’ll move and get another crap neighbour or set of neighbours then what will I do?

I know it’s not just me because DH feels the same. I’m worried he’ll explode one of these days. But his mental health is better than mine and he’s not thinking about this 24/7 like I now am.

Tell me what to do to cope with this? Im so sad and so anxious and totally fed up. I’m going to try and sleep now but hoping to come back tomorrow morning and find the answer to all my problems.

Foam earplugs aren't a total fix by any means but if you suffered pain from wearing normal ones you could try Macks dream girl earplugs- I use them every night and I don't get pain from these as they are designed for smaller ears.

I understand what you are going through I had noisy neighbours who were horrible once and it started to take over my life, waiting and listening for every sound. It's truly awful.

Good luck

I also feel your pain OP. I’m extremely sensitive to noise and had anxiety in our old semi detached house.

We were lucky enough to be able to buy detached, but we have a lot of neighbours who have spent the last few weeks blaring music. We also seem to live nearby lots of very loud dogs and screechy children. Sitting out in the garden isn’t a pleasant experience most of the time.

I invested in some noise cancelling AirPods which have been great, and DH has Bose noise cancelling headphones. We also use earplugs sometimes.

I also agree with a PP. Unless you have a huge budget you’ll never get away from neighbours, so I think the best thing to do would be to get some help for your anxiety.

I am really trying to think how lucky we are here that we have a safe and comfortable house to live in, food to eat and jobs to do. Yes the noise can be annoying, but we can’t really control it, so there’s no point getting too worked up about it. I know it’s easier said than done, though. I do sympathise.

Apart from the noise, it is the lack of control that is upsetting in these cases. You feel like you are living at the whim of other people, part of their lives when you don't want to be. I think lockdown and furloughing (with clement weather) has has a detrimental effect on being socially aware. A bit of freedom has released some bad habits. It seems that routine forces you to be disciplined which spills over how you lead your life. If they had to get up and go to work they would be going to bed at a decent hour.

I have had noisy neighbours before, who went on to threaten me over a period of months when I politely asked them to turn the music down at 1am. He did not work. I disturbed him at 1am doing weights, listening to heavy bass music. I did not complain officially because I was ready to sell up because of him and did not want to declare it. Thankfully he was kicked out (he was renting), not because of me but because he trashed the place. They are now very careful who they rent to.

@JumpingAtJackdaws the Transaction form that sellers complete asks about ‘Any complaints or disputes’ with neighbouring properties. It doesn’t specify that they need to be formal complaints lodged with the council.

If the OP had just had an unwitnessed verbal conversation with the neighbour, she might get away with not declaring it. But she’s phoned/ messaged so these are documented complaints.

Solicitors have got far more rigorous about this sort of thing (the seller’s TA form has been updated numerous times) because of the threat of litigation If a seller fails to disclose something, or gives vague, misleading information.

Any omissions or vague statements on a seller’s form would be a big red flag.

I really feel your pain, OP.

We have a street at the back of ours and the noise is just hideous. Loud music, people talking (which I know doesn't sound too awful, but when you can hear every word from a house three houses away it is!) a child who screams "HIIIII-YAH!" at five minute intervals from 8 in the morning until 7 in the evening and dogs who bark hysterically at a gnat's fart, it is miserable and no way to live.

I am also moving.

Would it be possible for you to make an area to sit in your front garden? I have noticed some people doing it here in the evenings because it is sunny at the front. Sometimes I find my front garden more peaceful so will spend time in it gardening or will wash my car.

I have also noticed a few people putting fencing around their front gardens where my mum lives.

Oh that does sound awful, I'm sorry. I have a neighbour who shouts constantly and I can't enjoy my garden without hearing him screaming at his wife or DC.

Is there any sort of barrier, like a tree, at the end of your garden which could help somewhat with muffling the sound? If not, could you get planting?

That is my idea of absolute hell too. I would feel the same as you, it must be so frustrating.

For now I would use all the savings you have on a really big water feature. 2 if you can afford it, one at the end of the garden and one near where you sit. I mean a proper gushing waterfall type.

Also, buy some really big bamboo plants for the boundary. You can get non invasive types.

These things will help a little. Why are people so selfish? I just don't understand why they think it is OK to inflict their music on other people.

We have a couple in our village you have set up camp on their flat roof with ear splitting music that you can hear several houses away. When I walk past I feel so sorry for their neighbours. Good luck.

Thank you all. I do appreciate all the comments especially the very grounding ones telling me the answer is to deal with my response. This is what I need to do, even in the short to medium term. I genuinely appreciate being told this; I do feel like I need to give my head a massive wobble.

Whoever said it’s ‘lack of control’ is exactly right. That’s precisely how I feel.

I understand I need to stop obsessing over their every moves. I’m going to have to put superhuman effort into that as I’ve gone so far down this anxious path it feels like a long way back, but I really will try as I so don’t want to feel like this.

We do have a bench at the front and yes, I do sit out there before our evening meal. Unfortunately it’s quite a busy road and the garden is not deep, but at the moment there are less cars so it’s not the worst place to sit by a long way. But our back garden just makes me sad - I’ve spent 6 years turning it from a blank square to filled with plants and flowers. We have nesting birds and a summer house, a wildlife pond in a sink. It’s bloody annoying being out there has to be with a soundtrack but maybe I need to even wear earplugs out there and hope the DC don’t kill each other without my knowledge

I won’t dwell but just to answer; it is certainly noisier in furlough yes. But it’s not black and white. 9pm work from home. 1pm work sporadically. 3pm literally never leave the house, furlough or not. 11pm the H does work but he’s working at home at the moment. She is on mat leave (yes, really!!) and I don’t think she’ll go back (outing but company with massive losses recently). Their late night partying is generally most weekends during the summer anyway, bank holiday Sundays, then random ones like last night.

Off to try and think positively. That’s the best thing to do, right?

Hi OP

I wonder if it would be helpful to try counseling or hypnotherapy to help with your anxiety?

I've lived at both extremes rural and main road, neither were quiet. In different ways. During the day time the main road probably felt quieter though as the constant hum of the traffic masked other noises - hated it though, so dismal and the fumes weren't nice. The countryside was quieter, but noise carried more so I was more aware of neighbours, kids, ramblers, etc

I feel for you op I'm in a similar situation.

Moved last year from a house that was too small for us really (myself, dp and ds in a two bed ex council house) to a bigger house in a supposedly nicer area and closer to dc school.

Old house had really lovely neighbours, a retired nurse on one side and retired couple on the other. Could occasionally hear one neighbour's telly/laughing in the evening but nothing over the top.

Other neighbour had a lovely little dog that never made a sound, if you didn't see him snoring on the front from time to time you wouldn't know he existed. We didn't for three months after we moved into that house.

New house we scouted out the neighbourhood and saw no red flags.

Now new neighbours on one side have two dogs that get left to bark all day every day and bark at every bird flying past (lots of birds round here, lots of mature trees and hedges and street backs onto a field). Next one down from them has two young boys and a trampoline so it's squeak squeak, squeal squeal, thump thump all day.

Other neighbour in the other direction is an 'entertainer' bad karaoke singer thinks he's a rock star
and has to practise all day every day loudly enough to be able to clearly hear the lyrics.

Next door down from them blasts shitty 60s pop all day every day loudly enough to hear lyrics clearly in the garden and upstairs back bedrooms (including dc room when he is trying to get to sleep)

Neighbours across the street from us are obsessed with their jet washer and have jet washed a minimum of four times a week since lockdown, for hours at a time. They jet wash their windows, porch, path, cars, and anything else they can get their hands on.

Noise cancelling headphones also not really an option as dc is only 6 so I need to be able to hear him if I can't see him.

It's soul destroying. It makes me really furious too.

@billywigsting and how do you cope? Totally happy to try hypnotherapy if someone can tell me how you find a good one.

I do feel for you, but I do wonder if it’s more generalised anxiety you need to manage and the noise sensitivity is a symptom of that, rather than the cause? I don’t know you obviously, so apologies if this is way off, but for the last couple of decades when I’ve been stressed or particularly hormonal (i.e. pregnant!) & when the kids were very young, I’ve been way more sensitive to noise from neighbours. Live in London & fairly centrally, it is not quiet around here & mostly I’m fine, but at other times it’s seemed unbearable.

If you move somewhere rural/semi-rural you may well get the noises there that seem to wind people up like cockerels and church clocks and farmers out early, working. Would that also be a problem for you? It’s difficult to get a permanently quiet environment...

Please buy some noise cancelling headphones. Mine are great and only cost £40 from Argos (Sony).They are saving my sanity!

My neighbours on both sides are noisy, inconsiderate arseholes who think they are Covid immune.
They’ve had friends/family in their home/garden throughout lockdown and don’t care who hears their racket.
Just being in my own garden was making me so angry and anxious I couldn’t deal with it.
But the headphones have really, really helped.

Podcasts, audiobooks or favourite albums from happy times help me switch off and focus on what I’m doing, not what’s going on around me. Plus I can do other stuff while I’m listening.

They’ve also really helped stop my mind racing at bedtime.

We’ve only been here 18 months and iI’m now also desperate to move.
But @Caelano is right: You need perspective and patience, not any rash moves right now.

It’s not them against you. They’re not being noisy to piss you off. They’re not thinking about anyone except themselves.

You just live in a busy area and you now know this is not the best environment for you. But you can change this situation with careful thinking and planning.

In the meantime, try not to fuel your stress by communicating with your neighbours if they are not reasonable. (I speak from experience).

Please know you are not alone. Things will change and they will get better.
Get the headphones and good luck! Xx

I have not had a problem with neighbours but did have a real issue with foxes in the winter/spring wailing in our back garden, this also coincided with the worst SAD year I have ever had and my husband working away monday to friday. I had infant aged children as well.

I really had an anxiety issue that seemed to focus on the foxes. I ended up quite unwell and on anti-depressants - but that was the start of it. I ended up doing cbt online (as no way of getting anywhere as small kids and on my own) and doing a minfulness based cbt course after I's done the free on that was paid for. It was the best money I ever spent. This was 15 years ago - so can't provide any links, but I'm sure that your local NHS Mental Health Trust would be a good place to start to see if there are any reputable/reccomended online courses.

I hope this has been of help.

I know how you feel OP as I am going through something similar. We live in a detached house but noise from other neighbours is driving me to distraction. I feel like I am always on edge, always listening out for it to start. It infuriates me that other people can be so selfish and inconsiderate. Relatively new neighbours on one side of us, they were a nuisance from the off but now that the woman has a new boyfriend it's got worse and he enjoys playing loud music in the garden on full volume. Their dogs bark constantly and sometimes I feel I am really guna lose it. They slam car doors, beep horns late at night and have now started inviting friends round so sit out late at night shouting and laughing very loudly. They know we have young children but they just don't care. I would go as far as to say I have become obsessed with it all and I cant think of anything else. Lockdown has made it all so much worse because they are here every day being selfish arses. We need to move away, there is no other way of getting round it really, but we cant sell our house as yet because we are still doing work to it. Our next house has to be rural without a neighbour in sight as theres just no way I can go through the same things again. I know that part of the issue is how I deal with and respond to things but I just dont know what to do so that it doesnt bother me. Let me know if you work out the answer!

@Woods52 thank you. No not generalised. Very much just the noise. I’m not a worrier and have other reasons I could fixate and get anxious on (poorly elderly relatives, one DC has a health condition with complications) but no absolutely not. There is nothing other than this external music invading my life (and dogs barking, so maybe not just music). In fact speaking to my DM this morning she commented that this really isn’t like me as I’m normally quite a relaxed person.

No hormonal factors that I know of! Period is due in a couple of days so PMS? But I feel like this all month round so unlikely.

@ikeairgin funnily enough I have SAD too but these are my good months! Just for me it’s hard to get up and get going and I crave the sun.

Church bells/tractors, even trains or a road don’t bother me at all. I grew up on a very main road in London and fell asleep to the round of traffic through the single glazing every night, ironically.

I’m going to have a look at online CBT courses that’s a good idea.

I don’t know about headphones - I don’t want to hear anything - I want to hear the birds and the breeze not white noise or any music even my own. However I do appreciate earplugs may be an alternative option.

It sounds like you are very sensitive to noise as you seem to always have an issue . The countryside can be very noisy too with tractors and animals so bare that in mind . I think living near people you expect some noise some of the time and are unrealistic if you don't .
Could you go and see someone about it , I'm afraid it comes across as you are the common denominator . 😬

And no I'm not a noisy neighbour but if I want to have some noise a few times a year in my own garden and I expect it from our neighbours then that's all good .

@50Nomorewineever I don't really hence the rant!

I bought a half decent bluetooth speaker and when I want/need to be in my garden for whatever reason I use that to try and drown out the noise.

If immediate neighbour who thinks he is a rock star really takes the piss I have been known to put said speaker facing the party wall and playing something with lots of heavy sounding guitars on full volume.

I turn it down every ten minutes or so to see if he is still taking the piss. It goes back up to full blast if he is and either off or turned down to a reasonable level if he is.

Last time I did this was about ten days ago and he hasn't been audible since. I think he might have finally got the message.

I may also occasionally fantasise about giving next doors dog a bit antifreeze ham but obviously I would never do something so horrific. A bit like fantasising about lopping off a peados bollocks

What about the water feature idea? It really does help if it is a noisy one.

Yes that’s a possible - if it doesn’t cost too much as we do want to plough every penny into moving. I’ll have a look online.

But really we aren’t talking about a normal level of noise here - sometimes it’s just annoying but other times - seriously - I suspect only a proper waterfall would actually drown that out.

If you’re otherwise happy with your home and location, I would consider whether it’s really worth moving.

Unless you have loads of cash, you’ll always have neighbours within an audible distance. I would try a few of the things suggested here, and also try to work on your anxiety and control issues as a whole.

If you were to move, you would probably find yourself with more “noisy” neighbours. I don’t mean this in a bad way (I’m very much similar to you!) but there will almost always be a dog barking/kids shouting/music playing/jet washer wherever you live, especially during summer, and I think lockdown has magnified this and made it feel worse than it is.

Sympathies... I have something similar but not as extreme - an outdoor shed and canopy thing with bar tables there, all of which are right against the fence between the 2 houses despite there being plenty of space in the garden. Most Fridays used by teenage children like a bar, plus plenty of cigarette smoke and loud music until the early hours. In the winter I breathe a sigh of relief: at least I can have the windows shut. It makes me resent everything about them which I know is kind of unfair, but yes, there is no way that we can enjoy evenings in the garden unless they are not there.

I bought 2 plug-in fans that have an option to add water and cool the air with water. You can also make very large ice cubes for them in ice cream tubs and chill the water that goes in them so it stays cooler longer. The oldest was the better one, called Caribbean Blue or Breeze or something. Get them going when the house gets warm and an hour before bedtime. Both the cooling and the light fan noise is better than smoke/noise and an open window now, unfortunately.