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Original poster

Please help..hanging on my last fucking nerve.

97 replies

Takingontheworld · 30/05/2020 21:12

I haven't been alone in almost 3 months. I am losing my fucking mind..i miss the quiet. I miss my home being tidy and quiet for at least a couple hours a day, i miss my old life.

Its fucked my work which i love..stress on my marriage and my kid is having such a hard time and desperately needs more from me but I have nothing left to give and I'm beginning to feel full of rage.

He is next to me now for a film night I promised but his crunching of smarties is making me want to scream and rip my ears off. I can't, i don't want him to know how desperate i am to be far far away from him when he needs me so bad.

I am going to have a breakdown. I can't do this until September. I am touched out. Noised out. I feel sick with the monotony.

Am i an awful parent. I hate feeling like this.

OP posts:
Artesia · 30/05/2020 21:15

Don’t have any words of wisdom, but you are definitely not alone. Have felt exactly the same today

formerbabe · 30/05/2020 21:15

Oh God I'm with you 100%.

I am an introvert and love my quiet time when kids are at school and dh at work.

I could cry that it won't be like that until September.

The house is never clean...despite me cleaning all the fucking time.

I'd love them all to go out and just let me do a blitz on the house.

Constant requests for food too.

It's hideous.

RainOnMee · 30/05/2020 21:15

Nothing to add but just that you are not alone. ThanksI had just found my perfect job, school hours, I had waited years for this and it's all been ruined. I hate this life.

Doyoumind · 30/05/2020 21:17

You are not alone. Is there no way for you to go out by yourself tomorrow for a long walk or a sit in the park?

BrieAndChilli · 30/05/2020 21:19

I think we are all having moments like this. Me and DH are getting on really well during lockdown, better than either of us thought but there are times I just want him to go away, I just want to be on my own and able to relax in a way you can’t when other people are also around.

LadyMuck111 · 30/05/2020 21:21

Word for word I feel the same.
I'm sick of constant requests for food, sick of tidying up, sick of having to make conversation all the time. Sick of tidying everyone's shit up.
But then I give my head a shake and think at least we are all safe.

Biensur40 · 30/05/2020 21:23

Definitely not alone. It's really tough at times and it's 10 weeks now. I don't know your situation but would it help if your DH could take the DC out for a few hours tomorrow and this could be a weekly/ twice weekly event. Is DH taking on some of the work? I am an introvert by nature and if I don't have some time alone regularly, start to feel awful..Flowers

Original poster
Takingontheworld · 30/05/2020 21:24

Perhaps i should have been more specific. I've been alone when walking the dogs but i mean like... alone alone. Not having to do a chore to escape. I want to relax on my sofa in quiet without being screamed at by a child for something. I just want to have my own thoughts. To be able to process my thoughts and feelings, have time to channel my creative/plans for work etc. I've never felt so stressed and low.

Dh has anxiety and is on furlough and despite my efforts to be as supportive as possible I'm exhausted and feel drained by him so the resentment is building, both towards him and to myself for these feelings.

Honestly i just want to throw some plates at a wall a scream until this horrible feeling has gone.

OP posts:
Biensur40 · 30/05/2020 21:31

Does your DH know how you feel?

H1978 · 30/05/2020 21:36

No you’re not alone and no you’re not a bad parent, I think those of us who are used to quiet moments during the day away from kids and partners are definitely craving it back now and September seems a long time away 😕

Serenschintte · 30/05/2020 21:40

I used ear plugs quite a lot (am in different country) when lockdown was in full swing. Also I would sit in the car for quite a long time after I got back from shopping. Could always park car around the corner it it can be seen from house or sit in car in supermarket car park
Saved my sanity quite a few time

lovelilies · 30/05/2020 21:52

I'm the same although my youngest ones 4 and 6 do go to their Dads for 2 nights a week thank goodness. My 15 year old is always here though and although we actually get on great, when all 3 want me at the same time (5 out of 7 days) I could scream.
I'm MUCH more shouty than i used to be. I'm pretty horrible to them all sometimes Sad
It's the constant requests that get me.
So you're not alone, BrewThanks

Weatherforducks · 30/05/2020 22:24

I am extremely lucky in the way that I'm a SAHP for now, but the littlest used to go to nursery twice a week, and eldest was in school, so I had a very precious 5.5 hours of time to myself twice a week. I have an acre of garden so this time was really important. I honestly thought we would come out of lockdown with an immaculate house, beautiful garden and genius children...but throw in home schooling and DH's work schedule and normal stuff like shopping (that now takes two hours), I have little time to even water the veg patch. AND I know I am lucky. But it is hard. MY DH has been very good though and we've now agreed that 9-11 in a morning is for me to get my stuff done or do whatever I want. Would something like this work for you? Just a little time to do whatever you need to do?

This has made me realise I'm not the parent I thought I was, I shout too much, I'm shit at home schooling and my dog now hates me (she was so used to her walks being at certain times, she now gets shoe horned in at a convenient time). Also, the kids just know when I've sat down, can't sit down for 2 mins without being asked to do something for them...but ask them to brush their teeth or put their PJ's on and it's a whole different ball game.

sunnydunked · 30/05/2020 22:27

I think we are all having moments like this. Me and DH are getting on really well during lockdown, better than either of us thought but there are times I just want him to go away, I just want to be on my own and able to relax in a way you can’t when other people are also around.

This is me 100%

OhTheRoses · 30/05/2020 22:32

My children are grown up OP. I'm sittimg next to DH (58) who keeps nuzzling up to me as we listen to fucking Peter Grimes which he thinks is an enormous treat.

Three of us have been zooming from home for 11 weeks. One is now in the middle of 2nd yr uni exams. Joyous. Not.

Mine are grown up and this shit show is doing my head in. I. Cannot. Imagine. What. Parents. Of Littlies. Are. Going. Through.

Meanameicallmyself20 · 30/05/2020 22:33

OP I know what you mean. I am going out of my mind here. Three kids and constant fighting, noise and youngest one climbing all over me and screaming. There’s a massive building site next door and unscrupulous developer to deal with. I’ve been really ill in the last year and had some big operations only just starting to get better and now this. I could scream ...in fact I’ve done a lot of screaming today! Then I feel like a bad mum, but I just can’t cope with this anymore 😣

OhTheRoses · 30/05/2020 22:36

PS I love DH dearly but usually he is out of the house from 7am to 7.30pm min and in Europe at least 4/5 nights a month. It has made me nervous about retiring.

DoraemonDingDong · 30/05/2020 22:41

I'm a SAHM and love my alone time whilst kids are at school and DH is at work.

I've gone into a kind of mental block / hibernation to cope with my feelings of not having any time alone. I miss my solitude so much, I would cry every day if I let myself dwell too long on this.

We've not had any major arguments or drama, but even so, it's hard with all the others in the house at the same time, all the time.

Jjou · 30/05/2020 22:42

Oh god you’re not alone. I hear you. I spend some time hiding in my bedroom like a teenager just to get some peace, but really I need a couple of days away by myself where nobody makes any demands of me. Where the only person I have to see to is myself. I’m going crazy. Our lockdown has been easier than some have had to deal with, but the constant demands for attention, food, input alongside the endless fucking tidying and trying to not have that house competely descend into chaos means I’m currently at the end of my rope. I don’t know how to do this until September. I actually miss going to work at this point.

marly11 · 30/05/2020 22:49

Yep this was my day today. Worst day of this lockdown so far for me mentally. DS2 noticed poor lad and asked if he could make me a cup of tea. His face fell when I told him that what I needed was to sit in a room later alone with out other people. I feel bad ... but honestly I can't settle with everyone at home. I am used to mental space and time to work,think and enjoy a tidy and peaceful house a few hours a week.
All I hear is kids bickering and shouts of 'muuuuuuum'. I could cope better if I knew I could get back to some normality but September if not beyond is just took much.

maryberryslayers · 30/05/2020 22:55

Why can't your DH look after his child and let you have some time alone in another room without being disturbed?

WarmSausageTea · 30/05/2020 22:59

It has made me nervous about retiring.

I don’t want to derail, but can I just say that DP and I have been retired for a few years now, and this really is nothing like retirement. Travelling, voluntary work, even food shopping gave us things to do together and apart, and each of us time alone in the house. The lockdown is definitely harder.

Flowers and/or Gin to the OP and everyone who’s struggling.

OhTheRoses · 30/05/2020 23:06

@WarmSausageTea thank you Flowers

Mulhollandmagoo · 30/05/2020 23:07

Don't be too harsh on yourself, everyone is finding this difficult! We've now been locked in close proximity with the same people for nearly 11 weeks now 😭 it's hard work. Have you spoken to your husband? About a week ago was my breaking point, my husband was having a lovely time WFH upstairs in the spare room while I was attempting to placate my 11mo who was in desperate need of a nap but we were having her 1yr review with the HV on facetime and she was ruining late. He popped his head around the door and in a really chipper voice said 'can you try and keep the noise down babe, I'm up to my neck in it upstairs' then made himself a sandwich and popped back upstairs (at this point I need to add my husband is generally the most selfless person in the world) we had a little row and it seems like we just didn't see things from each others point of view. The next day he put her in her pram, put the dog on a lead and took them for a walk around the block a couple of times and I just had a brew in dead silence and it was incredible.

You say your husband is suffering with anxiety which will be really really hard for him, but your mental health is as important as his. Tell him how you're feeling and work out coping mechanisms for you both to make this easier, it'll reduce both your stress levels and tension in your relationship

Valkadin · 31/05/2020 00:54

I think with small dc especially and depending on actual space occupied it must be dreadful for some. For me I’m actually seeing DH far more as he works overseas a lot so I’m actually dreading it ending but I guess I’m in the minority.

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