Please help..hanging on my last fucking nerve.

[Takingontheworld]

I haven't been alone in almost 3 months. I am losing my fucking mind..i miss the quiet. I miss my home being tidy and quiet for at least a couple hours a day, i miss my old life.

Its fucked my work which i love..stress on my marriage and my kid is having such a hard time and desperately needs more from me but I have nothing left to give and I'm beginning to feel full of rage.

He is next to me now for a film night I promised but his crunching of smarties is making me want to scream and rip my ears off. I can't, i don't want him to know how desperate i am to be far far away from him when he needs me so bad.

I am going to have a breakdown. I can't do this until September. I am touched out. Noised out. I feel sick with the monotony.

Am i an awful parent. I hate feeling like this.

I'm currently splitting my time between my own home, DD (15), 2 cats and Wfh, and my parents home as my dad is bedridden and possibly doesn't have long. He has physical care needs and my mum is demanding, highly strung and emotionally draining to say the least.

I feel constantly stressed and guilty because whenever I'm in one place, doing one thing I'm worrying about what I'm not doing elsewhere.

There's no back up, no respite and I can really think of very little that I wouldn't give right now for a week on my own somewhere with no responsibilities for anyone other than myself.

Feels like a never ending tunnel with no light at the end.

Ah shit Minty, that is so hard.

Thank you all for making me feel less alone.

I really need a nap but i don't think its gonna happen so I'm off to chug a pint of coffee

OP I was going to suggest that you book the holiday cottage and go on your own. But your idea of a short 'work' break before then is better. Your MH matters.

My DC are older. I only cope because DH takes them out for non-negotiable exercise 4-5 times a week to give us a break from each other. He has been at work the whole time and gets his downtime there. This would be the bare minimum that I'd expect from your DH. Because he hasn't been supportive you understandably now need a complete break. He might be anxious but you have needs too and he'll have to cope for a short time.

Honestly I've just seriously lost my shit over a potato. Stood here peeling them for a dinner no one will want to get off their screens and come to the table to eat, but anyway.... my DP comes past and helpfully informs me that if only I had bought bigger potatoes there would have been less to peel. Thanks for your helpful advice, Brains of Britain! The size of the frigging potatoes when I'm out on the highlight of my week which is the food shop, really isn't too of my priority list!

Restless this is so me right now! You'd have all seen "wife murders man with blunt half peeled potato" and know it was me

Ok. I'm gonna start shopping for my work trip. How do i explain wanting to take the dog 😂😂😂

Potato gate. It's been a long time coming. OK no court would convict you

I can't wait for my partner to return to work, never again will I moan about the hours he works.

Every day he pisses me off with the constant eating, leaving room with the tv on, asking me what I'm doing and what is for dinner. He doesn't realise I need "ME TIME".

The feck

Posted before I was ready

The fecking neighbours are annoying the crap out of me as well, having swimming pool fights in a garden that is

@Accidentalaccountant and @Takingontheworld thank you for your support. Please appeal for justice for me when the inevitable happens....🤣

Grrrrrr ....

That is not big enough for a full sized pool

😡😡😡😡😡

I am full of admiration and sympathy for all the wonderful women doing their absolute best. This lockdown has been so hard on women and on mothers in particular.
I am fortunate that I am retired, but I miss my family so much.
I am sick, anxious and grieving, but I still do my share of the cooking and the chores.
Anxiety is no excuse to just opt out.
Long walks are very therapeutic for mental health and are extremely good for children.
I can't walk much, but going outside for a little while helps.
Fathers need to step up and help.

My neighbours have friends round in the garden, and neighbouring children round to play. Every day.

I've just been to the supermarket. The lady behind me had significantly less shopping so I asked if she would like to go in front of me. She refused, stating standing in a queue was far preferable to being at home with her ungrateful children. So many people feeling this way. I seriously can't do his till September I just can't.

We've just had a letter from school which has made me feel even worse. The headteacher was praising the families who were implementing wonderful home school work plans and sharing the photos these families have been sending in. I have to do a full time job; I can't do this stuff! My kids who are usually bright and engaged at school have literally no interest in working at home and all the chivvying/bribeing/argueing to make them do it simply makes this house even more miserable! I feel totally sick. I can't allow myself to think beyond the end of this month because the prospect of this continuing is horrific

@restlessinthenorth does the head teacher not realise that many families are studying and not everyone can manage homeschooling ! Really annoys me, there are parents at my daughters school who feel the need to post every single thing their child does on the school Facebook page.

@Willowmartha1 it's really upset and annoyed me. I feel thats it's partly a tactic to deflect from getting back into the classroom; "oh parents are doing so fantastically well at home, no need to upset the Apple art by reopening schools". My children desperately need to be back at school for their emotional, psychological and educational wellbeing

Oh restless... i know so many who are working full time from home and feel like theyll have a nervous breakdown because everyone else appears to having the greatest time of their lives nailing home schooling and upskilling etc.

Honestly we're just watching a shit load of disney plus and eating an incredible amount.

@Takingontheworld

What strikes me about your OP is that it's all about what you do for DH and the DCs (in DH's case, you say it's because he needs you so bad). But how are they recognising that you need some thought too? From what you've written, they're not. Your DH may be an anxiety sufferer, but that doesn't excuse him from using you as a mental punchbag while offering you no support at all. All MH issues can make someone self focussed, but most people try to recognise and minimise the impact they're having on others too.

After work, go out for an hour. Walk somewhere, read a book, sit under a tree... They'll still be there when you get back, the world won't have ended.

When people lean on you for everything, it gradually eats at your own reserves until there's nothing let holding you up. I've explained it like this - you are a pole in the middle of a pile of sand. Every time someone wants something from you a little bit of sand is taken away. If no-one ever replenishes the sand, eventually there's just the pole with nothing to support it and it falls over. Don't be the pole!

It’s awful and our school are now saying they won’t be taking all children back full time even in September. When will it end?

Feeding, yep. I see exactly what you're saying. (Altho needing me so bad refers to eldest child who's wellbeing and MH has suddenly plummeted so they're being extra clingy and my MH is also plummeting which makes me want to be the exact opposite of clingy so I'm having to try and push through so they don't feel rejected!)

Dh is at work today and it's been better. He called to moan about work (justifiably, they are wrong) but i gave him a few minutes but then cut him off because I can't give anymore than that to it. so fucking repetitive

I feel a tiny bit lighter today.

I’m fed up too.

Ds is fed up.

Dp is back at work.

Ds (13) back to homeschooling today and it’s hard bloody working. He’s lost his momentum

I’ve lost the plot today too. It’s good to hear we’re not alone.

I think it’s the start of another half term and another month that’s tipped me over the edge. This half term is usually filled with excitement that the holidays are coming, there’s loads going on at school (that I usually moan about!) and normally lovely things to look forward to over the summer. We have none of that now. It’s endless nothing ahead.

Yep. I'd booked the month of August off work by saving every last bit of holiday I had plus some unpaid. Cant afford to now and honestly can't imagine anything worse than an additional month at home voluntarily...holidays cancelled. No money to do anything now. Fucking shit.