How much freedom for a 4 year old?

[fretamanger]

My ds is 4.
When he is out he must always hold my hand.
If he's playing in the field / park I always stay very close to him.
If we were going shopping he would wear his backpack reins.

He is due to start school in September and I was just wondering how much freedom other parents give their four year old children.

My youngest just turned 4. She rides off on her scooter but knows she has to stop for other people or before the road. She has to hold my hand crossing the road. I try to get her to stand on the inside away from the kerb when we are on the pavement. In the park she can play off in the distance as long as I can just about catch up with her if I have to. She can play unsupervised (though does daft impulsive things eg cut hair or draw on walls so I don’t leave her for long). She can wait outside shops (at the moment with social distancing) while a parent pays inside, as long as we can see her. She can use scissors, knives under supervision etc.

My four year old can cycle ahead but never around a corner or across a road until I catch up. I have never used reins but he will walk alongside me in a shop or on a path. On a beach or in a park I let him ramble away but always within sight and where he can hear me. I only ask him to hold hands crossing the road. In the woods I let him run and climb and explore once we can hear one another, we know the area very well. He can play in the walled garden independently. I think the freedoms I've given him have given him good self control and he knows his own limits. He has never tried to run off etc.

My DS is 4. He doesn’t have to hold my hand when we are out, only if we are crossing a road or car park & he is clearly in a silly mood. He has never owned backpack reins. He has to be within my sight at the park/beach, but in the woods near our house he can be out of sight if he is within earshot. I leave him outside the shop with our bikes if we ride to the shops, I can see him through the window.

I think I would stop using the backpack reins.

It depends on the child and on where you live. I think using reins at 4 is unusual, but if your child is a bolter then it's sensible.

Equally I think allowing a 4yo to scoot ahead along a road is taking a risk and I wouldn't do that.

That's a ridiculous lack of freedom for a four year old (unless he has additional needs).

The 4 year old can:

Walk/scoot/cycle in front/behind me, but must stop at the road/not go around a corner.

Play anywhere in the playground (I make sure I sit where I can see the full playground, but I can't always see her 100% of the time e.g. if she goes in a tunnel).

Play away, but within earshot/eyesight in the park.

Play wherever at softplay or any indoor playgroup (not now obviously). I sit in general view and by the door so she can't leave/be taken out.

Just walk generally with me at the shops, always where I can see. I will leave her outside while I nip into small shop with 8 year old, but not by herself.

Can use scissors, knife etc.

Can be left alone in a room at home for as long as she wants (unless she's watching TV this will only be about 10 mins).

Is this serious?

My DD is 4. When we're out and about she doesn't have to hold hands but often chooses to. If she isn't she can wander ahead but only as far as I can quickly catch up with her if needed. If she's playing in the field / park she can play wherever as long as we can see each other well, the responsibility is on her to make sure she keeps an eye on where I am (obviously she doesn't realise I'm actually paying close attention). No reins since she was about 18 months old when we used to go to bike shows or busy unfamiliar places. She plays in the garden on her own and often helps to cook tea. We also let her help herself to the snack bowl (fruit, raisins cucumber sticks) and she will get herself drinks quite often.

justdontatme we are incredibly similar.

HotPenguin in case they don't stop? I have found with my two and my DNs before them that they were all capable of stopping appropriately at that age and in fact were v cautious to do so once given the freedom to do so. As you say though, our area is quiet enough and trying it wasn't a gamble.

My 3 year old has more freedom than your 4 year old. Now would be a good time to loosen those reins a bit.

I'd say you are keeping him too close. He needs to learn to stop himself at the end of the path etc.

Scrap the reins. Stop following him round a field. Just keep him in sight. Mine has to hold hands for roads but I give him limits on how far ahead (stop at the next lampost/Stop at the black gate etc).

Mine got a little more freedom that that at that age. Supermarkets no reins and could wander a little along the aisle from where I was. Parks could move freely around playground and I’d watch from the sidelines (unless actively playing with them Or if they attempting something I consider riskier I’d be on hand just in case and that was me being over cautious eg very large slide). Walking or scooting in own area could go ahead and knew to stop at roads/crossings. Busy city centre or near main road always held hands. Also used child scissors and knife under close supervision. Wouldn’t be allowed to wait outside a shop though.

A lot of this depends on your area and your child though (and your own perception of “risk”). A friend has a “runner” so uses reins and head be off like a shot. If I was in a very busy area I’d have them right beside me. If I known or large park I’d stay close to them. A lot of it depends of circumstances in other words. A little more freedom could be good to build up to before school eg is there a reason (runner, exceptionally busy store?) that they always have to wear backpack reins in supermarkets? If not start allowing them to walk beside you instead (give them items to find etc). They wouldn’t have reins on a school outing (that I’m aware of).

My 3 year old holds hand for crossing roads or near busy roads but can cycle ahead or walk without holding hands along a pavement. At the playground I just sit on a bench and watch him play unless he specifically asks for my help or wants me to come over. I’ve never used reins and think you probably need to stop that before he goes to school. But I do understand that some children are real bolters so if you have reason to think he might take off then use your own judgement

Ooh I think your a bit over the top.

My dd3 is allowed to run a short distance in front. If we are on the park I sit and watch her and her older sister play. If I’m on an open field with no free dogs she can run freely. We have an allotment and she wanders around. If we are at the beach she plays in the surf with her arm bands on. If we are swimming she has her armbands on and swims all over/jumps in whilst I sit in the side with my legs in the pool.

If we are near a road on in a car part she must hold my hand. She’s never ever had reins on and never runs off. She’s got good recall

You should let him independently wander sometimes so he can explore things by himself. And you can chat about his findings.

I have three very independent girls. Eldest lives in Dubai and travels the world for her job. You need to let him find himself

I think if he's a bolter, personally, I would bring him places firstly that he can safely run free and secondly hold his hand or st and him on the trolley step thing in a supermarket. My ds4 is v tiny so he'll still fit in trolley seat if tired/wired!

All children are very different, I have 4yo twins and they couldn't be any more different - one is much more sensible and can be trusted not to run off in car parks for example so hard to say exactly not knowing your child but reins at that age is way OTT (unless there is a drip feed to come with additional needs?).
I also have a 10 month old so in parks / fields / at the beach I tend to set a parameter with them of where they're allowed to go and if I call their names they come straight back.

That's very restrictive imo. Can't remember the specifics with DD1 but DD2 is almost 4 and has never worn reins. She holds my hand if we are walking by a road on a narrow pavement and crossing. Other than that she had the freedom to run/scoot ahead of me if it's safe. As pp said parks I watch from the sidelines and pre lockdown in the supermarket I'd let her look at the magazines and toys whilst i could see her but stood further up the aisle.
I'd assume the child had SEN if I saw you out and about if I'm honest.

So here for example I would sit on the grass about where the photo was taken and be happy for them to go off to about where that huge tree stump is playing together. It's a nature reserve with no dogs off lead and I can see them fully.

My 4 year old has to hold my hand crossing the road but mostly that's it. He would hate me helicoptering over him all the time. He is very independent and would protest. He is pretty good at following the rules of staying close when he needs to and not running off as he knows I hold on to him more. I can give him the freedom he needs while keeping him safe. Maybe learn to let go a little while you can still keep him safe. I stopped using reins at age 2.5

Wow I am amazed at these replies!

I could never imagine leaving my ds outside a shop on his own.

He has no additional needs. He is very able to walk on his own and knows when to stop and even check if anything is coming before crossing. I just feel a lot safer holding his hand.

The reins allow me to concentrate on what I'm doing whilst shopping rather than wondering where ds has gone.

At home he has more freedom. He plays in the garden and I can watch him whilst I wash up. He plays independently with his toys and tidies them up, can dress himself.

My 4 year old knows to hold hands when crossing the road. She is now allowed out the front in our cul-de-sac to play on her scooter BUT she definitely knows if she wanders away from where I can see her she comes in.

@krispycreme the last part of your reply was very unnecessary!

I used to let mine walk ahead on me and tell them to stop at a specific place, e.g. the next lamp-post. In the supermarket they'd hold on to the trolley, one at each side. At the park I'd sit on a bench and just let them play: so long as I could see them and they knew where I was I was happy.

I think you do need to be loosening the grip a little op because with greater freedom comes greater independence and therefore greater self confidence.

Mine is/was a bit feral (now almost 10) but as part of her ‘training’ at 4ish I’d tell her she could run to the next lamp post and have to stop, then run to the end of the hedge etc. If she didn’t stop when told to, she’d have to hold my hand. Worked well for us.

Ahead on of me