How much freedom for a 4 year old?

[fretamanger]

My ds is 4.
When he is out he must always hold my hand.
If he's playing in the field / park I always stay very close to him.
If we were going shopping he would wear his backpack reins.

He is due to start school in September and I was just wondering how much freedom other parents give their four year old children.

I would think he had SEN too if I saw a 4 year old on reins.
Poor thing will never learn if you helicopter parent him.
Might even end up getting bullied for not being able to independently play.

When do you think he will magically learn these skills?

This //\

There isn't a magical age that he suddenly knows what to do, he needs to be given opportunities to learn.

also if he was to get lost or kidnapped
The chances if this are very small, especially if you keep him in sight. There is a big difference between "in sight so he doesnt get kidnapped" versus "constantly holding hands" and it's probably time to start working towards the former.

Thank you for all your replies. I simply wanted to know how much freedom your four year old has.

I have gathered from this that they have more than I allow mine to have.

Today we will go for a walk and I will let him walk without holding my hand and see how it goes.

Good luck!

Don't get worried about it. It's also a peer pressure thing - when he goes to school he will probably want to be doing all sorts of things because the others do them, and it might be that's when he suddenly 'clicks' about not running off, too. My brother was awful for dashing towards roads right until he went to primary school, and suddenly it seemed to sink in that the other children knew to stop at crossings.

My dc had a lot more freedom than that at 4 (a couple of years ago now). No reins and no forced hand holding unless somewhere unusually risky (e.g. very crowded place). They could get up and get their own drinks and breakfast as long as it was after 6am and watch TV (I would generally be down closer to 7am. Dd2 would have been playing out at that age alongside her older sister (not out if sight of the front door, but I certainly wasn't watching them the whole time).

I think you might be underestimating your dc's abilities. What you've described is how I was when my dc were 1 or 2.

A lot of the parents at DS' school were like you - we were shocked in first few weeks to see how little the children were allowed to be independent on way to school. But it loosened quickly as those parents saw their DC and how others behaved too. So yes, you're being a bit too nervous IMO but I don't think you're that unusual and I suspect you'll find it easier than you might think to relax a little once you see others of the same age.

I think it just depends on the situation OP. Quiet streets near where we live, yes 4 year old is allowed to run or cycle ahead of me. He knows to stop at the roads and is allowed to cross walking next to me. A very busy road I’d be more inclined to hold his hand or keep him close walking beside it and definitely crossing it. No reins ever since about age 2. And he was a terrible toddler for running off. Playground he does his own thing, as long as he’s within the playground. I wouldn’t leave him outside a shop alone, and inside shops he walks next to me, fetches me things and holds onto the trolley.

However I have a 2.5 year old who is an actual risk of running off and so I think that makes it easier to give my older child more freedom as I have to focus on the toddler more. We have evolved from 2 in the double buggy, to he must hold the buggy and walk, to he can walk next to me/slightly ahead and it’s gone from there. Our typical walk home from nursery is quiet streets with only one busy road to cross so it’s been good practice to slowly build up the independence and road sense

I just feel a lot safer holding his hand.

Parenting isn't about making you feel better though. It's about equipping your child with the skills they need to develop.

Where do you live, OP? I think that would influence my idea of the amount of freedom your child has. I also very much believe that all children are different and what works for one, won’t for another.

My four year old is never on reins and only holds my hand if she wants to. When we go for walks she usually goes on ahead and sometimes is on her scooter or bike. If she is too far ahead I tell her to stop and she will stay on the spot until I catch up. We had to work on this initially but now I can’t remember the last time she didn’t stop (and it’s something I say several times, every time we go out which is at least daily).

When playing in the park, field, or woods, she has to stay in sight and stop/wait for me if called.

In the supermarket (pre-covid) she would go along ahead or alongside the trolley and pick up things she recognised that she knew we get to put in the trolley. She probably hasn’t sat in the trolley since she was 18 months old.

My 4 year old holds my hand while we cross the road. She runs/scoots ahead often and, on our regular routes, knows exactly where to stop and wait (and has gone for over a year now).

When we walk in the forest she will go off into the trees and bushes - I know where she is and keep talking to her if she's behind a some undergrowth though to make sure she's close.

My children haven't had reins but my friends that used them stopped by 3 at the latest, most nearer 2.5.

She plays freely in the house and back garden (fully enclosed) without me watching.

I wouldn't leave her outside a shop but I would in the car at the petrol station when paying.

My 4 year old walks beside me when out and about, holds my hand when crossing road/ in an unsafe place e.g. by water etc. Plays in enclosed back garden by himself , while I'm in kitchen overlooking garden. I do stay with him in playground as it's quite large with multiple exits. He can put socks, trousers and shoes on but not tops. Gets himself a drink/ snack.

When we're out my 4 year old often chooses to hold my hand, but the only time I insist he must hold my hand (or whichever adult he is out with) is crossing a road.

He must always be within sight of at least one adult when walking or playing in the playground / park, but if he's in a safe environment (like an enclosed playground) I don't follow him around, unless we're actually playing a game together.

I've never used reins, but I do ask my DS to stay near me in shops which, fortunately, he does.

My 2yos had more freedom than your 4yo. You need to imagine how suffocating it must be for a child to have an adult hovering within a few m whenever they are outside. Holding hands in the road, I'm with you. But a field or park is very safe and you are doing more harm to his self-confidence and independence than is being gained by the largely illusory risk of a stranger grabbing him within eyesight of a parent. Risk assessment is a necessary life skill that needs developing right from babyhood, within age appropriate limits. If you constantly hover close he will gain the idea that he is not competent enough to risk assess for himself. You'll end up with a fearful, timid, risk-averse child.

I allow my DD to scoot ahead as long as she stops when I shout "stop".

She crossed the road without holding my hand and before me the other day. A car was approaching but luckily it was going at a slow pace. Scared the shit out of me. She knows not to cross without me but I think she sometimes forgets.

Shes also crossed the road on her scooter before without looking, so again she could have been harmed.

Let your 4 year old have freedom but with limitations until he can show you that hes ready to do something else without your help.

I stopped doing all of the things you listed when mine were 2.
At 4 I would only hold hands somewhere extremely busy and crossing a main road. Mine have been running/ biking / scooting ahead since 3.
At 4 I wouldn't expect to be right next to them in a park.
My dd has been playing in our cul de sac unsupervised by an adult with her 7/8yo sibling and the other kids from the close since 4. She knows not to go past the corner.
This week we were out walking the dog, the kids (5&8) wanted to go the "short cut" so I walked one way and they walked together the other way round the road closest to home. We met opposite the corner where they needed to cross and they did fine crossing independently.

How did the walk go op?
In the supermarket could you put him in the trolley seat if you’re worried about him running off?

My 4 year old has pretty much the same freedom as most other ppl have posted. If she is with one of her older brothers she will wait outside whilst I pop into the shop. She plays on her own in the garden, I can see her with the patio door open. Walks ahead, will wait to cross the road with me.

You definitely need to drop the reins even if things don't go well without them the first few times. He doesn't want to be the only child walking to school with reins on.

'You want to build confidence abc independence, without risk'

Unfortunately, that's impossible.

We'd all love that, but there is no such thing as no risk.

There's a risk your son will get distracted when crossing the road when he's 30 and get hit by a car, you cannot hold his hand crossing the road when he is 30! You HAVE to take that risk.

There's a a risk he'll get abducted or murdered as an adult. You cannot lock him in the attic to keep him safe.

There's a risk he'll choke to death on a Pringle aged 18. You can't spoon feed him puree his whole life.

You have to balance minimising risks and keeping them safe with allowing them to actually live their life.

Just to clarify a few things:

I only use the reins if we're in the supermarket, he will not be walking to school wearing reins!

He plays independently in the garden whilst I'm indoors. I can see him from the window or have the door open.

I'm happy for him to run around in the park but only if he stays where I can see him and can get to him quickly if I needed to.

I have said all this before but it seems to have got twisted throughout the thread.

The walk went really well. We went for a 25 minute walk round a quiet residential area and only held his hand to cross the roads. By the end of the walk I trusted him a lot more not to run off.

Glad to hear it OP, did he enjoy himself?

@SquirtleSquad he did yes. He kept looking up at me probably wondering why I wasn't insisting we held hands. I told him he was a very good boy to walk sensibly and I was proud of him. He stuck out his chest and smiled and it made me feel guilty for holding him back so long.

Aw.. so cute. No looking back now, keep pushing things a bit, he'll feel fantastic! Well done.

Aw what a lovely update!