How much freedom for a 4 year old?

[fretamanger]

My ds is 4.
When he is out he must always hold my hand.
If he's playing in the field / park I always stay very close to him.
If we were going shopping he would wear his backpack reins.

He is due to start school in September and I was just wondering how much freedom other parents give their four year old children.

At 4, a modest distance while in a decent line of sight is general practice. Holding hands for crossing roads or much busier places. On the walk from school, the yRs often cluster with friends and quickly learn to stop and wait at the side road (which is very quiet and unlikely to result in an accident)

DS2 was 3, nearly 4 when we went to London and dusted off the reins backpack because it was a much busier, and unfamiliar environment than he was used to. He had also bolted in a large shop the week before out of the blue. He gave himself a shock and never did it again.

DS2 has probably had a bit more leeway due to DS1, but DS1 was less of a free range child anyway. He used the buggy much longer because it was there for DS2 and it turns out he has SNs including hypermobility.

Last summer at 6 and 8, they were allowed to play in the playground in my line of sight while I was in a community building with a good line of sight of the playground. They had my phone set on a timer every 10 mins to come up to me to check in.

It depends on the child. DS is autistic (but high functioning) and has no danger awareness, plus he refused to wear reins so I used to run beside him in a harness which I could grab if necessary. His twin sister was pretty much trusted to be sensible - certainly by 4 she was waiting at lights while I chased her brother, or standing by the buggy while we looked for him (he disappeared at a show one year.... ) and she was completely trustworthy and OK.

I agree with PPs that you should lose the reins, unless your DS has behaviours that cause you concern? They need to learn about rules, and risks etc. And as you say - to be a bit independent before starting school..... He'll be fine....

I'm not sure why you are all criticizing me. I've simply asked how much freedom you give your child so I can compare.

But you didn't just ask that, op. You also listed examples of the freedom you give your own child. You can't expect people not to comment!

The reins are really not necessary. I'd say 4 is far too old for them.

They may allow you to not worry about him in a shop but you need to build his confidence and deal with having to watch him in a shop

DD is 4 (5 in September) and due to start school in September too.

She holds my hand while we're out walking (especially near roads, she also walks on the pavement furthest from the kerb) but can run ahead a bit whilst using parks, nature trails, beaches..
As long as I can see her and she can hear me, I'm happy.

I haven't used her backpack reins since she was two. 4 is way too old to still be needing them.
Why do you still use them? Will he not walk nicely and hold your hand? Does he listen to you when out?
I wouldn't use them whilst going to and from school, he'll never live it down.

And when we did start school, I think most children ran ahead of their parents, within reasonable distances. Then they get scooters! Depends how busy your road is of course, but I think hand holding was only for really dodgy or busy bits.

YY, you need to teach him not to wander off in the supermarket. I would also think reins are for a much younger child unless there's a known issue with the child running away or something like that.

My DP is a pretty anxious parent and with all of these things it took me quite a long time to convince her DD really did need to learn these skills and we as parents did have to put the work in to teach her. We used reins for longer than I would have chosen, because DP was so anxious. And there definitely is a point at which I think you have to recognise that you're calming your own anxieties, but you're not giving the child room to develop and learn.

DD is three and I'd expect her to be free range in the supermarket, usually in sight but if I can hear her I wouldn't worry about her going round to another aisle. I would usually hold her hand on walks because I like to, and I don't think she's secure about not running into the road yet - we live in a quiet village and she doesn't yet understand the danger, so we're working on it. Playing in a park I'd want her in sight/sound.

She can use knives/scissors/cooker if she's supervised and can get her own drinks/snacks from the fridge; I would expect to leave her playing on her own in the garden or the house for maybe an hour or so, though I'd check on her something like twice or three times. I think being left alone enough/doing enough things independently helps them not treat shopping trips as an excuse to wander off, because if they can see they're often given the opportunity to do their own thing, they're less inclined to push for any chance of 'freedom'.

OP I don't think anyone means to criticise, you asked for views and they seem to be fairly consistent which is hopefully helpful?

But at the end of the day you know you own child. If he has additional needs or struggles with instructions, or is a bolter, then you may need a slightly different approach.

It is so weird when they start school because you can't imagine they are old enough, and you will feel all sorts of emotions (plus that scary thing when you see the empty child seat in the car and have a panic attack....) but he will be fine. And don't forget to take that 'first day at school' photo on the school steps.....

I'm amazed your 4yo puts up with you using reins! I've never used reins, but I cannot imagine any of mine tolerating them at anywhere near 4.

You say you do so so you can concentrate. And you worry about your DS walking off. But part of your job as a parent is to teach your kids certain skills - knowing boundaries, staying beside you in a supermarket, helping you with the shopping. These skills are needed for school - the teacher won't round up his/her entire class on leads!

I think you need to deal with your own anxiety.

It depends a bit on where we are, but we do tax he’s the reins at 2. Walking round our village, he walked ahead/ behind etc and doesn’t have to hold hands unless crossing a road. Once in the fields, at the park, he stays in sight and know to check regularly that he can see me. At the play park, for example (when it was open), I would sit at a bench and let him play, unless he wanted or needed me. Out on walks, he runs ahead, explores trees, hides behind bushes etc.

Just to add, my son knows to stop at the edge of roads, walk on the side of pavements away from the curb etc. And I might hold his hand more if we were in a busy town etc.

Sorry, just to add, I am assuming you only have one child OP? I think I relaxed with DC1 when DC2 started walking. It was impossible to be as ‘on’ DC1 when I needed to follow a toddler round the park, hold the toddlers hand all the time etc. By the time DC1 was 3.5 he was scooting everywhere and playing quite freely at the park, while I was with DC2.

Your job is to teach him not to wander off at the supermarket. Not just use reins until he's....what age? When do you think he will magically learn these skills?

This ^

Also, the comment about assuming SEN. I would too.

I’m the same as Nuff

I would struggle to shop if he was freely walking as I know he would probably wander off and I would panic and then have to hold his hand

But this is where you have to teach him not to do that.

Mine is 4, (5 in June) or over a year he has

-walked ahead unless it is busy/a narrow pavement
-been able to run around etc at the park as lond as I can see him
-hand hold when crossing the road
-scoots ahead of me (unless busy/narrow pavement)

With reigns, holding hand etc all the time, how will he ever learn not to run off? As a four year old he needs to be able to understand safe and unsafe risks.

Ds1 has just turned 3, he can run ahead a few metres from me, must hold my hand to cross roads, can go off in the park playground as long as I can see him. He used to be a bolter and I used reins but he is great now and I can trust him not to run off or run in the road. I’d say it really depends on the child but unless you think your son is going to run off and not listen to you I’d say the reins are unnecessary.

My youngest just turned 4. He holds my hand when we are walking somewhere on pavement or in town or shops or near water, basically where something could be a danger.
If out on a field/park/woods he can run ahead. We’ve never used reins.

To give you some perspective OP. I used to teach Reception. We started each year with a trip to make a class bear at build a bear. This trip happened 3 weeks after starting. It involved taking 30 4 year old (there might have been the odd 5 year old but as it was the start if the year they were almost all 4) on a bus to the city centre.

Yes these children had high levels of supervision but we certainly didnt hold everyone's hands and unless a child had additional needs we wouldn't have dreamed of used reins.

Most 4 year olds are quite capable of evaluating risks. My advice would be to start giving him way more freedom. Allow him to walk around the supermarket, allow him to walk on the pavement or scoot ahead and start encouraging him to recognise risks. If you are always preempting what might go wrong then when does he ever get the chance to learn to recognise when something is a risk himself?

My 4yo can scooter ahead and knows to stop at roads or if told to. He has to hold a hand to cross the road. He must remain in sight.

At the shops he can walk with us and wander off slightly but must remain in sight. I have never used reins.

At parks and other road free spaces he can wander quite a distance as long as he is in sight. If there is a body of water then he needs to stay close to us but doesn't have to hold hands.

My 4yo stays outside shops with my 9yo at the moment. They're sensible and I trust them completely.

Ever since he stopped being in the pushchair we have been clear on the rules and on enforcing them. If he couldn't be trusted then he didn't get to go to nice places. Fortunately DS is very obedient and has never been a bolter.

You're reflecting your own fears and worries unnecessarily onto your child and I have no doubt it will no cause a positive effect.

My 18 month old does not hold my hand and walks freely. Why? Because he knows the rules. He stops at the edge of a path and does not run off without permission.

Your parenting will cause issues further on.

It probably depends how sensible and trustworthy he is. My daughter is 3 but very sensible and cautious. I have never had a rule that she must hold my hand at all times when outside - only when we are by a busy road or something. At the park she is free to run around wherever she wants - I will call her back if she goes to far and she always comes back. In my opinion, if you dont give them at least a little freedom, they dont learn responsibility.

Wow I can’t believe you use reins on a four year old, you really need to break this habit and try instil some confidence and life skills in him before he starts school.

I too would assume he had special needs if I saw you out and about currently.

On my goodness, your poor child

A 4 year old should not be on reins, SN excepted, do you not have any friends with similar age children? You must know that's not a normal thing to do.

Where do you live, not in the UK obviously if kidnapping is a concern, are cultural differences a factor?