How much freedom for a 4 year old?

[fretamanger]

My ds is 4.
When he is out he must always hold my hand.
If he's playing in the field / park I always stay very close to him.
If we were going shopping he would wear his backpack reins.

He is due to start school in September and I was just wondering how much freedom other parents give their four year old children.

Are you very anxious OP? That's not a criticism, it's just very very unusual for a child to be on reins at the age of 4.

And taking some risks is important for them, eg walking along a low wall,climbing onto a wall or tree etc. Self control is built this way. Nothing wrong whatsoever with holding hands and great he plays independently. Maybe ditch the reins to start with.

As a teacher of 4-5 year olds, I would be quite concerned at the lack of independence it sounds like your child is having. They need a level of risk management and decision making to learn. 4 year olds are extremely switched on and I’m sure if he’s seeing other children of a similar age out and about and he’s wearing reins, it could be quite embarrassing for him. I would absolutely try to give him lots of opportunities to grow his independence, as well as your confidence in him to make safe choices.

@fretamanger

In the nicest way possible I think you're being a little over sensitive to @krispycreme 's last comment.

I too would think a child had SEN if he was 4 (and looked about his ages) and was wearing reins in the supermarket. Not that there's anything wrong with having SEN or reins but it is unusual for an NT child to need them for supermarket shopping at that age, as usually by then then can reliably be told how close by the stay without physically having to keep hold of them.

At 5 years old I was catching a normal service bus home from school on my own.

Whilst I would in no way recommend anyone do this now (this was in 1960) it does demonstrate what a child is capable of if given some responsibility.

You know your child however. My daughter was capable and did understand at that age. My son was entirely wrapped up in his own world and I couldn't trust him - not naughty just in his own world.

Apart from standing outside a shop op, are there other things people said that you don't think would be doable.might be interesting to consider if the why not is coming from your needs or his.

Nothing remotely wrong with what @krispycreme said. If we ran into one of DTs friends in Sainsburys and they were in reins I'd be very shocked.

Lock down is possibly a good time to start learning to let down as roads (at least some of them) are quieter than usual so you can practice letting him walk independently in a safer environment- if that's not the case where you live then try and find the quieter roads around and go from there.

Yes, I'd also think a 4 year old with reins had additional needs. They're for use with children who will run off without physical restraint. For an NT child this would mean reins were unnecessary from 2.5/3 at the latest.

He is far too old for reins. Please stop them before he starts school. If his classmates see him he will never live it down! Mine stopped just after their second birthday. You need to let go a little bit.

I could never imagine leaving my ds outside a shop on his own

That isn't what the poster said. She leaves her child outside with their 8yo sibling.

@Heygirlheyboy I would struggle to shop if he was freely walking as I know he would probably wander off and I would panic and then have to hold his hand.

I would be happy to let him walk alongside me if we were on a quiet street.

He does play in open fields. I don't stop him from running round, playing. I just stay close by.

I think my main concern is from dangers on the road and also if he was to get lost or kidnapped.

I could never imagine leaving my ds outside a shop on his own

20+ years ago I would leave dd1 outside the shops in her pram.

Lost or kidnapped? No one is suggesting you leave him to navigate the streets alone, just back off a bit and leave the reins at home.

Will you be allowing him to be taken on trips with the school where it's not 1:1 adult to child when walking along / crossing roads?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

She can wait outside shops (at the moment with social distancing) while a parent pays inside, as long as we can see her.

Said by wtftodo

When you are shopping could you give him jobs to do, even just pass him the items to put in the trolley or suchlike so that he is engaged with you?

I'm not sure why you are all criticizing me. I've simply asked how much freedom you give your child so I can compare.

Could he hold the trolley to start? Run and get the bread etc? You seem to expect the worst. Cotton Wool Kids is a super read. If you ever put him in the car he's much more at risk than the one in 14mln chance of being kidnapped. Facts help. Is he likely to run off in a supermarket? Actually leave?

I think it really depends on the child. When my now 14yo was 4, if I let go of his hand for a second, he’d run laughing in front of the nearest car. He was a bolter from the minute he learnt to walk! He’d open the car door at the first opportunity, take his seatbelt off halfway down the motorway and run and hide in shops. Thankfully, he’s stopped doing all that now, and would need a rocket up his arse to run anywhere now, but, at 4, he had very, very little freedom, unless we were in a safely fenced play area.

@fretamanger

I just feel a lot safer holding his hand
That's fair. It's your child.
Would not let a four-year wait outside a shop.
However, would not do reins because mine needed to practice staying with mom, even if it meant shorter "practice runs" followed by lots of praise...

My just-three year old likes to hold my hand, but doesn’t have to. I do tend to walk on the outside of him, but I trust him not to run into the road on purpose - I worry more about freak accidents like him tripping up and falling under a bus.

He goes ahead of me on his balance bike on quieter roads, and we have done a few trips to the park (along vv quiet residential streets, people often walk down the middle of the road in one of them) where I ride my bike on the road and he rides his on the pavement next to me. He knows to stop at kerbs.

In the park, he needs to stay in sight but can play hide and seek, hide in bushes, and go ahead of me. I have been encouraging him to go and put stuff in the bin in sight of me but a little way away, to get him used to doing little errands on his own.

He likes to explore but usually he likes to explore with Mummy, so he drags me with him rather than running off. If he was a bolter, or didn’t stick to me like glue through choice, I’d probably give him less freedom.

By the time he starts reception (18 months), I would want him to ride or scoot to school with me walking alongside, to play in a playground with his friends with minimal supervision from me (at the minute I get dragged round with him to join in his games), and to be able to go to the ice cream kiosk or similar if I give him the money and watch from a distance.

Your job is to teach him not to wander off at the supermarket. Not just use reins until he's....what age? When do you think he will magically learn these skills?

Ditto the road. He shouldn't be near the road because he knows not be near the road (which you say he does know?). So let him walk by himself.

He's not going to get lost.

The chances of him being kidnapped are very small, just keep an eye on him.

also if he was to get lost or kidnapped

Just read this. Maybe scanning the stats of this happening in your area might help? Kidnapping - particularly by strangers - is really rare...

Like a pp I did run to the next lamp post and wait on quiet paths to get them used to going off without me. Playing in the park, they had to be able to see and hear me. I would let them go along an aisle while I was paying attention.
Handholding crossing a road was non negotiable and reins were used as a consequence when they were first walking so by 3 or 4 reins would have been a humiliation.

Honestly op, I think it would be advisable to ditch the reins at least before he starts school, if not earlier. If you bump into one of his classmates with their parent when you're shopping, and your ds has reins on, it will be noticed. You may not be bothered, but it could become an issue for him at school, if he gets teased about it.

I woud hold hands to cross roads but the backpack reigns are a no-no.
Whatever you do don't rock up to reception with those things on - he'll never live it down!