When you are annoyed with a stranger do you say something out loud so they can hear it?

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When you are annoyed with a stranger do you say something out loud so they can hear it?

I think I have occasionally done this (about dog poo dumpers) but I’m thinking of stopping because when people do it to me it’s really quite unnerving. I think that the effect it has on me is much greater than they intend. So I’m starting to wonder if it’s worse than actual direct confrontation.

The first time it happened to me was at an airport. I was getting some food and drink before the flight. A woman who was there with her family thought that I had gone ahead of her (I was oblivious so I may or may not have been guilty of it). The first I realised was her saying in a stage whisper to her really quite small child “don’t worry Tom, karma will come round to her”. It was actually quite frightening like being cursed. If she had said “excuse me I think we were ahead of you“ I would’ve immediately apologised. As it was I just froze.

The second occasion was yesterday out in the countryside. I was very near my house and we are all getting used to weaving paths around each other to try and keep some kind of distance. My own house has a back gate on a narrow path. I was about 4 m away from my own gate and somebody was coming towards me in the opposite direction. She walked a couple of steps out into the bracken andI passed her. Then she did that loud ostentatious primary school teacher talking to a child in reception who has much to learn voice ‘You’re welcome” thing. I have been lost in thoughts about my upcoming biopsy and I’m so used to stepping along and around the path..... I don’t need to expect people to thank me for this normal behaviour.She hadn’t been inconvenienced at all. My first thought was that she wouldn’t of said this to a man. The second thought was that if she didn’t want to step aside she could just stay on the path and I would step out. My next thought was that it didn’t seem worth the price of a sudden confrontation with a stranger just to force them to acknowledge the three steps you’ve taken to go round.

My mother-in-law has the opposite approach. We’ve often been mortified when out with her in public because she will challenge anyone who she thinks is going in front of her. However now I think about it maybe she has the right approach. Because when she does this people know she has a problem with something that she wants them to change. And it’s in their power to change it. Where is if you just talk about people behind their back ( literally) it’s like you’re making a comment that they’re the sort of person that wouldn’t respond if you did speak to them directly and so it seems to be much more aggressive.

Anyway I would be interested to know what others think.

I don’t make remarks indirectly, no. I occasionally say something directly- in queues I will absolutely say “sorry there’s actually a queue here”. Dog poo I will say it if I’m close enough, I wouldn’t shout from afar.

I think I have said “you’re welcome” to people who have swanned through doors I’ve been holding open for them, maybe once or twice.

I do now as iv got older,takes nothing to say please an thank you

It sounds like perhaps you aren’t very present and maybe a little bit ignorant or rude?

It takes a second just to nod and acknowledge a thanks, it can actually be a pleasant experience too, so why wouldn’t you?

I do get that sometimes we are all lost in our thoughts, but the way you’ve written it comes across as you don’t feel like you should have to adhere to social etiquette

I don’t need to expect people to thank me for this normal behaviour.

It’s still pretty rude not to smile or say thank you.

People are more on edge at the moment and while I wouldn’t have said anything myself, I might have huffed a bit.

That’s what it’s done for isn’t it? It’s done to passive aggressively make someone feel a bit crappy for what they’ve done?

Yes, I can be very passive aggressive when I want to be!

You were rude to not say thank you. She got out of your way so you could carry on.

My dh does this to people, especially the “you’re welcome” thing at the moment if we move out of the way and people don’t say thanks. I hate it. It makes me cringe.

I’m really sorry but on both those occasions you were in the wrong. Ok, no one is perfect and I get that it’s absent mindedness rather than genuine rudeness but it wasn’t wrong for either of those people to make a point of the fact you’d jumped the queue and ignored the fact that someone had been courteous to you.

I too would ask someone if they jumped the queue 'excuse me, there is a queue here' and smile.

I would also nod or thank someone for letting me past on the path. I too also find it rude if people don't, and agree that your post makes your sound rather rude!

If I've held a door open and the people strolling through don't thank or acknowledge me, I too would say loudly 'you're welcome!'.

We ALL have other things going on in our lives, (I'm currently miscarrying) but its not an excuse to be off with the fairies so much so we can't thank/acknowledge others!

You can’t really blame being lost in a moment for being rude though. It takes nothing to acknowledge someone stepping aside for you on the path.

That’s what it’s done for isn’t it? It’s done to passive aggressively make someone feel a bit crappy for what they’ve done?

Exactly. OP may have been a bit of a dream and been unintentionally thoughtless, but the pass agg comment makers are being deliberately rude in order to make her feel bad. Which is far worse behaviour - why take pleasure out of pissing on someone's parade?

My first thought was that she wouldn’t of said this to a man.

I would have.

You were wrong and very rude on both those occasions. Having your head in the clouds is no excuse for not acknowledging others or cutting in front of them.

I loathe passive aggressiveness.

The "You're Welcome" thing = "I'm so special my psyche will melt if you don't sah a great big Thank You because I managed to refrain from being a complete Arsehole just now by pausing my life for you in a tiny way for a few seconds. How did you not notice!? How can you be so selfish!?"

I would rather they just behaved like Arseholes from the off. Be their true selves.

If someone was queue jumping,I'd say something directly to them. I usually acknowledge someone stepping aside with a smile.

I hate passive aggressive remarks.

If someone doesn't thank me for stepping aside it doesn't bother me in the slighest.

I loathe passive aggressiveness.

I loathe bad mannered oafs who think they are too special to acknowledge a "favour".

I tend to say something directly as I loathe passive aggression. But only if I can see somebody (men usually) has been purposely rude like queue jumping or barging in the street.

I don’t need to expect people to thank me for this normal behaviour.

Where I'm from, it's considered very rude if you fail to thank the bus driver, or staff in restaurants etc. I thank the cashier in the supermarket. Just because something is normal behaviour doesn't mean it's socially acceptable to walk off without a word. It's nice to be nice, manners cost nothing, etc. etc.

No, because it's pass agg, stupid and childish. Either say something directly and constructively or let shit go.

But I also subscribe to Miss Manners' theory that scolding others in public for rudeness is pretty rude in itself.

Someone did the whole big PA 'You're welcome' after holding a pub door for me once. I had actually said cheers but she hadn't heard me...deafened by her own smug self righteousness probably, the rude bitch.

It's passive aggressive. So much better to talk directly to someone and give them the chance to realise/apologise or even yes show themselves to be a knob.

Someone did the 'you're welcome' thing to me when I'd said thanks and he hadn't heard me. I actually told him if said thanks so he didn't need to be so passive aggressive. There's just no need for it and it makes everything even more difficult.

@Elouera

I’m so sorry. I hope you are okay.

*I loathe passive aggressiveness.

The "You're Welcome" thing = "I'm so special my psyche will melt if you don't sah a great big Thank You because I managed to refrain from being a complete Arsehole just now by pausing my life for you in a tiny way for a few seconds. How did you not notice!? How can you be so selfish!?"

I would rather they just behaved like Arseholes from the off. Be their true selves*

Absolutely

If someone goes in front in a queue, I would point out there was a queue. If that person said sorry and it was clear that had just been distracted.not thinking (ie human) that would be fine. I wouldn't see them as rude at all. As for the passive aggressive ' You are welcome' comments. I despise people who do this. There is absolutely no reason why everyone going for a walk has to be focussed on your pathetic need to be thanked.

Also if I hold a door for someone and they don't acknowledge me, I assume they are lost in their thoughts. Since I chose to open the door for then and they didn't ask me to , I don't expect any thanks, though it is always nice to get one of course.