When you are annoyed with a stranger do you say something out loud so they can hear it?

[huntinthehornybacktoad]

When you are annoyed with a stranger do you say something out loud so they can hear it?

I think I have occasionally done this (about dog poo dumpers) but I’m thinking of stopping because when people do it to me it’s really quite unnerving. I think that the effect it has on me is much greater than they intend. So I’m starting to wonder if it’s worse than actual direct confrontation.

The first time it happened to me was at an airport. I was getting some food and drink before the flight. A woman who was there with her family thought that I had gone ahead of her (I was oblivious so I may or may not have been guilty of it). The first I realised was her saying in a stage whisper to her really quite small child “don’t worry Tom, karma will come round to her”. It was actually quite frightening like being cursed. If she had said “excuse me I think we were ahead of you“ I would’ve immediately apologised. As it was I just froze.

The second occasion was yesterday out in the countryside. I was very near my house and we are all getting used to weaving paths around each other to try and keep some kind of distance. My own house has a back gate on a narrow path. I was about 4 m away from my own gate and somebody was coming towards me in the opposite direction. She walked a couple of steps out into the bracken andI passed her. Then she did that loud ostentatious primary school teacher talking to a child in reception who has much to learn voice ‘You’re welcome” thing. I have been lost in thoughts about my upcoming biopsy and I’m so used to stepping along and around the path..... I don’t need to expect people to thank me for this normal behaviour.She hadn’t been inconvenienced at all. My first thought was that she wouldn’t of said this to a man. The second thought was that if she didn’t want to step aside she could just stay on the path and I would step out. My next thought was that it didn’t seem worth the price of a sudden confrontation with a stranger just to force them to acknowledge the three steps you’ve taken to go round.

My mother-in-law has the opposite approach. We’ve often been mortified when out with her in public because she will challenge anyone who she thinks is going in front of her. However now I think about it maybe she has the right approach. Because when she does this people know she has a problem with something that she wants them to change. And it’s in their power to change it. Where is if you just talk about people behind their back ( literally) it’s like you’re making a comment that they’re the sort of person that wouldn’t respond if you did speak to them directly and so it seems to be much more aggressive.

Anyway I would be interested to know what others think.

I shouted at a man on a bike yesterday. He came barrelling round the corner I had to squash right up in the hedge.
Just shouted go in the bloody road.

If being lost in your own thoughts from time to time is a crime I plead guilty :)

You can't imagine what a minefield our patch of countrside would be at the moment if everyone was constantly thanking everyone else for the "weave". It would be like that scene in Crocodile Dundee where he says "goodday" to everyone he meets on the street. We are all weaving all the time. I guess maybe this lady isn't local or doesn't walk there much.

I'm impressed by the posted who would say it to a man.

You make it sound like there are only two choices, whereas I'd say there are many, e.g.:

1. passive aggressive comment
2. aggressive comment
3. assertive neutral comment
4. friendly comment (e.g. joke)
5. no comment

I'm no angel but prefer the ones further down the list as I don't like to think of myself as an especially up-tight person like my mother.

I think "go in the bloody road" is much better than a staged "oh my goodness he's going to get us all killed".

So I guess I'm in the Miss Manner passive-aggressive-is-aggression-too camp.

It's very ad hominem as well. Targetting the person not the behaviour.

Anyway, this is inspiring to me to do better with dog-poo leavers. A direct "Hmm- I wouldn't leave that there - we had some trouble with there being too much..." maybe?

"1. passive aggressive comment

1. aggressive comment
2. assertive neutral comment
3. friendly comment (e.g. joke)
4. no comment"

I think that mumsnet exists because in people's heads they are doing 3 or 4 but it comes out as 1 or 2 !

I loathe bad mannered oafs who think they are too special to acknowledge a "favour"

I loathe those who think they're soooo special they feel entitled to a thank you every time they conform to basic social norms.

It's very PA. It's nice to smile and thank someone but it shouldn't be expected demanded

Any other thread about someone being "rude", loads of people jump on and say "but you don't have any idea what's going on in their lives, they might be stressed or absorbed in their own worries" etc. No idea why the OP hasn't been cut the same slack.

"Exactly. OP may have been a bit of a dream and been unintentionally thoughtless, but the pass agg comment makers are being deliberately rude in order to make her feel bad. Which is far worse behaviour - why take pleasure out of pissing on someone's parade?"

thank you.

the "karma" remark was actually slightly frightening (I still think about it years later). So the punishment far outweighed the crime.

It's intended to be passive aggressive and it's pretty pathetic behaviour.

It was me who said it to a man. But it was in the supermarket -not in Corona times- so I probably felt more comfortable. Funny that isn't it. I wouldn't do it in the pub etc I don't think (I might).

not really,
i recall the shame of walking with dm, she didnt hear someone say thank you, and she passively aggressively said Thank you

I got stuck behind two couples walking very, very slowly on a narrow town centre pavement last year. I said excuse me and as they slowly moved out of the way I said it's a moving roadblock as I walked past them

I am thoughtful of others and find blocking the pavement unacceptable

I usually wait until they're out of earshot and then mutter under my breath. So British!

We were walking up a hill on the pavement and became aware that 2 girls were walking quickly very close up behind us, so we stopped and moved to the side so they could pass because they were walking faster than I can.

They stopped and moved to the side too.

When I said, ”did you want to come past” one replied, ”oh no, we thought there was a queue...”

Generally, silence is golden. People know! They know when they're being tools. Silence permeates! It is a strong message. Equally, I'm a big believer in telling it like it is to someone's face- but it has to be necessary to say it... nothing half-assed, half-whispered, or petty. All or nothing.

I have had my moments. Take for example the guy ice skating- about 30 years old, out there on the rink, inexperienced (as most people on a rink are- no biggy). But as he went to fall, his reflexes kicked in and told him, 'Hey, grab onto that 9-year-old girl as you go down!' He grabbed onto DD and took her down with him. He got up, brushed himself down, and skated off. No apology. Nothing.
I flew over to him (thank you mum for years of ice skating lessons!) and said, "If you're going to take a 9-year-old down with you onto the ice, the least you can do is say sorry. It's called 'the decent thing'. Now go over there and apologise to her!!
I choose my battles.

"Funny that isn't it."

As soon as the poster above (soup dragon) said she would say it to a man, I immediately started making a mental plan of the path, the likelihood of any calls for help being heard, the exit points....

funny that isn't it?

Muttering under your breath to let out the frustration is fine. It's the audible (and PA) "thank you" or similar which is just pathetic.

TheVanguardSix that has made my day ! :)

@huntinthehornybacktoad PA is a really hard habit to get out of - I sometimes think I'm writing a comment that's neutral, but when I read it back later, it turns out to be embarrassingly transparent PA

TheVanguardSix is how I would like to come across :)

A polite but direct "excuse me, there's a queue here" or "excuse me, would you mind putting that in the bin" is gonna work on everything but the most hardened arsehole. You feel good, they get shamed into the right behaviour but also don't lose too much face. Why be snide and create universal bad feeling when it can so easily be a good outcome?

I've also had people miss my saying "thank you" because I've had to whip around and chase a toddler or had a frog in my throat and it accidentally came out quiet and get all pass-agg about it. Who does that help?

Vanguard do you give lessons? (ice-skating may or may not be involved).

Seems like best is:

1. silence or failing that
2. be direct but learn how to do it or failing that

3 mutter under breath

I may start naming passive-aggression for what it is. It reduces people's quality of life.

Also I am going to be nicer to the dog-poo people so they don't behave like cornered rats.

The cheery joky thing does work quite well, too - e.g. a nice, proper smile and a friendly "There's a bin just by the bus stop if you need one!"
Or if someone obviously doesn't see a queue something corny like "My diet must be working - I'm so thin people can't see me!" But only if you can really manage an unambiguously friendly voice (and don't mind being horribly corny ).

No. I hate it when it's done to me and it's a cowardly thing to do

"But only if you can really manage an unambiguously friendly voice"

yes and that's very hard. It helps if you've got a friendly-looking face and a melodious voice rather than a bitchy resting face and a tight-sounding voice.

I can only carry it off with small children.

I can do it better now I'm older - people are more likely to look at you and think you're harmless