When you are annoyed with a stranger do you say something out loud so they can hear it?

[huntinthehornybacktoad]

When you are annoyed with a stranger do you say something out loud so they can hear it?

I think I have occasionally done this (about dog poo dumpers) but I’m thinking of stopping because when people do it to me it’s really quite unnerving. I think that the effect it has on me is much greater than they intend. So I’m starting to wonder if it’s worse than actual direct confrontation.

The first time it happened to me was at an airport. I was getting some food and drink before the flight. A woman who was there with her family thought that I had gone ahead of her (I was oblivious so I may or may not have been guilty of it). The first I realised was her saying in a stage whisper to her really quite small child “don’t worry Tom, karma will come round to her”. It was actually quite frightening like being cursed. If she had said “excuse me I think we were ahead of you“ I would’ve immediately apologised. As it was I just froze.

The second occasion was yesterday out in the countryside. I was very near my house and we are all getting used to weaving paths around each other to try and keep some kind of distance. My own house has a back gate on a narrow path. I was about 4 m away from my own gate and somebody was coming towards me in the opposite direction. She walked a couple of steps out into the bracken andI passed her. Then she did that loud ostentatious primary school teacher talking to a child in reception who has much to learn voice ‘You’re welcome” thing. I have been lost in thoughts about my upcoming biopsy and I’m so used to stepping along and around the path..... I don’t need to expect people to thank me for this normal behaviour.She hadn’t been inconvenienced at all. My first thought was that she wouldn’t of said this to a man. The second thought was that if she didn’t want to step aside she could just stay on the path and I would step out. My next thought was that it didn’t seem worth the price of a sudden confrontation with a stranger just to force them to acknowledge the three steps you’ve taken to go round.

My mother-in-law has the opposite approach. We’ve often been mortified when out with her in public because she will challenge anyone who she thinks is going in front of her. However now I think about it maybe she has the right approach. Because when she does this people know she has a problem with something that she wants them to change. And it’s in their power to change it. Where is if you just talk about people behind their back ( literally) it’s like you’re making a comment that they’re the sort of person that wouldn’t respond if you did speak to them directly and so it seems to be much more aggressive.

Anyway I would be interested to know what others think.

my mother in law is like that - it's absolutely mortifying to go on the tube with her!
she's lovely though.

I guess some people were just taught that for someone to be lost in their own thoughts IS rude but making a weird attack out of thin air isn't.

I guess life would be boring if we were all the same.

My lockdownhasn't been very stressful (apart from MacFate picking this of all times to decide I need a biopsy) but I am feeling decidedly ratty with my neighbours by this point. The biopsy is the main thing I'm picking up here. I've just had one. Terrible stressful times

thank you derxa.

I'm actually just about to set off to the hospital to have it now.

it's kind of you to pick up on this. I'm sure you're right...

I don't do this. I don't see the point tbh. It's not going to change people's behaviour (a polite comment would maybe be slightly more likely to have that effect). And I don't think it makes you feel better either - it just feeds your ongoing feeling of superiority and resentment.

Also, responding to a (probably unconscious) lapse in courtesy by being deliberately discourteous yourself is pretty hypocritical. The 'you're welcome' thing sounds snide and twatty tbh.

For me though being snide or twatty is expecting people to shift for you with no acknowledgement. That to me is showing a misplaced sense of superiority that their need to move is greater than yours.

I don’t say it to people who look away in a world of their own or those who look upset.

Thankfully I don’t have to say it a lot because most are polite round here.

I don’t think saying ‘you’re welcome’ is hugely offensive or discourteous. If you don’t show me courtesy why should I show you courtesy Or subservience by keeping my mouth shut at out and out rudeness?

Just a different opinion that’s all. What kind of polite comment would you suggest making instead though?

I could take it on board to see if it works

How is saying something like 'You're welcome' not rude either? I hate stuff like that - it's so passive aggressive, and you're responding deliberately to what someone may not have deliberately done.

So I’m rude. And don’t tolerate rudeness any more.

I’ll have to live with that.

I certainly call out to people who haven't picked their dog poo up...."excuse me, your dog has just done a poo over there". I have no problem with calling them out on it.

Most other stuff I don't say anything. Someone the other day hadn't realised I don't think that our corner shop has a one way system and people were queuing all down the last aisle. She just got a drink from the fridge and then went infront of me at the head of the queue. Wasn't sure if she was a bit clueless or rude and pushy but gave her the benefit of the doubt and didn't say anything.

Hope your appt goes ok today OP.

"excuse me, your dog has just done a poo over there"
See, that is actually quite nice, as you are making it sound like they haven't noticed - so even if they were deliberately not picking it up, they can say "Oh goodness" and pick it up now without losing face. So kind of the opposite to "You're welcome", which assumes that the other person was being deliberately rude, when actually they might just be distracted, have said "thank you" too quietly or whatever.

Hope the biopsy is not too stressful toad.

So I’m rude. And don’t tolerate rudeness any more.

The only person whose behaviour you have control over is your own. I prefer to be polite. I think, on the whole, setting a positive example is more effective than being passive aggressive.

I have no proof of this, but I bet a person is more likely to hold a door open for someone if somebody else just held it open for them, even if they forgot to say thank you. But I bet that effect is cancelled out if the door-opener muttered rudely at them for forgetting to say thank you. Muttering rudely at people makes them resentful and defensive. Being pleasant and kind is more likely to yield positive results in the long run.

Best of luck with the biopsy, OP.

No. It's a childish and mean-spirited thing to do. If you're unhappy with the way someone is behaving, have the maturity either to speak to them about it directly or let it go.

Passive aggressive or cryptic comments can leave 'innocent' people unsure who the comment was directed at genuinely wondering what it is they've done. And as for the 'offender', you have no idea what's going on in their life. That person who didn't thank you for holding the door open might have just received terrible news and be in a daze.

@huntinthehornybacktoad

Are you back yet? Hope it all went ok 🌷

Had a horrible experience last weekend that really upset me. Can only think it's due to the lockdown because normally I bounce back.
We crossed over a bridge without realising there was a family on the other side waiting to cross. We could see them but it wasnt obvious they were waiting (lots of people stand there while their dogs go down to the river for example). So we cross and walk off and then the woman yells 'you're welcome' as she walks over the bridge which is fair enough. But then yells 'idiots'.
It really upset me because by now we were really far away from each other so I couldn't explain what had happened.

I'm in favour of a well timed passive aggressive 'you're welcome' on occasion (often think it but never say it) being called an idiot for such a simple mistake absolutely floored me.

You never know what affect you can have on other people so if in doubt be fucking kind.

I do it all the time to ignorant people. Man, woman or child old enough to know better. I just and say 'Thanks' or 'You're welcome' loudly all the time. People are jerks and they should know about it.

If you read my post you will see that I don’t say it to those who look distracted, upset or are in another world. If they sniff past me rudely then I say it. Cyclists on footpaths during lockdown are the main targets at the moment. Though I concede that is a whole other argument.

I say it nicely with a smile. I don’t mutter it rudely with a swear. I would just respond with a ‘oops sorry - thank you’ and a smile if I ever forgot to say thank you if I was wrestling with something else. I wouldn’t take offence.

As for folk shouting insults for no reason though? That isn’t on. That would floor me too. allmyfavouritepeople (Although I have had that simply for the crime of being fat)

Hope all went well today. OP. That’s a worry at the best of times, let alone in times like these.

Other people should show manners. Passive aggressive remarks are also a lack of manners and bring you down to someone else's level.

Always correct your children when they lack manners. Don't correct other adults.

I don’t say it to those who look distracted, upset or are in another world

I would point out that you can't always tell these things from someone's face. Some people are very good at putting on a mask of being OK while inside, they are falling apart.

Instead of the PA 'You're welcome' if you have to say something, why not the more adult 'It would have been nice of you to thank me'?

thanks I'm touched by the enquiries about the biopsy. right back atcha :)

In case people wonder, the biopsy itself was absolutely fine. I just got my boob squeezed. Then got some local anaesthetic and then there is a series of "snap" sounds just the noise a stapler makes but in your breast.

Things that are much more physically unpleasant include - any filling at the dentists, any dentist xray, having back "cracked" by the osteopath.

And on a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is childbirth/breastfeeding with bleeding nipples, it's a 1!

The PPE wasn't as weird as you'd think either.

Anyway, to the "courtesy costs nothing" brigade, if you see someone with bitchy resting face out on a long walk over the next ten days - give her a break if she doesn't get out of your way in time please guys as it might be me.

Should have said that on a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is

vaginal childbirth
caesarean recovery
breastfeeding with bleeding nipples
not being to breastfeed
dealing with infertility
or whatever constitutes "10" on your own particular motherhood journey, the biopsy today was just a 1.

The more adult?
Or equally passive aggressive?

Masks are fine. Sneers or blatant disregard not so much.

I will agree to disagree and back out gracefully.. I will however continue to say it to those who sniff at me when they go past.

And as one of the courtesy costs nowt brigade but with a face that scares horses and small children, I hope all turns out well for you as it did for me.

I

"And as one of the courtesy costs nowt brigade but with a face that scares horses and small children, I hope all turns out well for you as it did for me. "

thanks :)

more in common and all that....

Glad to hear it was OK today.
Here it's a holiday, and I thought of you when I went out walking in the countryside. On a narrow path, I climbed up to one side to let a group of four people past. The first lady said nothing, the next three said thank you, each one louder as they had heard the others say it and remembered that's the done thing :)

:)

Lol as the teenagers would say

I have been known to do the “you’re welcome” thing when some Ill-mannered person declines to acknowledge some small social courtesy, eg holding a door open for them.

It’s always a certain type of person...