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Original poster

Does anyone have a horrendous relationship with their 10 year old??

78 replies

Nuked1981 · 12/05/2020 15:17

Name changed as appalled I’m writing this.

Does anyone have a really really shit relationship with their 10 year old (my son). Just turned 10.

I just am really struggling to see the positives in him and he seems to dislike me intensely too.

I try. I really try. He is difficult at school but nothing to how difficult at home.

It’s more than that. I can’t bear how he behaves and some of his actual personality.

It’s killing me

OP posts:

HouseOfSticks · 12/05/2020 15:25

10 is a very difficult age. I’m sorry I have no advice.

HollowTalk · 12/05/2020 15:33

How long has it been like this? I think you need to seek help as soon as possible, otherwise his adolescence will be a nightmare for both of you.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 12/05/2020 15:34

Can you give us more specifics of what it is you find so hard to like about him?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

10 year olds

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 12/05/2020 15:35

Has this been a recent change or have you been incompatible for a long time? Is it behavioural problems that sparks the mutual dislike, or vice versa?
This time will heighten the worst aspects of family relationships...

Original poster

Nuked1981 · 12/05/2020 15:46

Thank you
Will provide more detail this evening and would so appreciate your thoughts

OP posts:

tearsandtiaras · 12/05/2020 15:52

Lockdown has strained my relationship with my 10 year old entirely

Northernsoullover · 12/05/2020 15:53

Yes I did. I can remember phoning my father in tears. He's been absolutely adorable since the age of around 14 years and is almost 17. We did have other issues going on and had an ADHD diagnosis. They were going down the path of ASD too but he refused to engage with CAMHS so that never got fully explored.
It was a long road to get to where we are today but there is hope. Once you have posted more info there may be suggestions of help that you can be signposted to.
People ask me what teenagers are like and when I say mine are lovely I get told I'm lucky. I say I had all the shit early. It really was shit too.

namechangenumber2 · 12/05/2020 15:56

I did, in fact aged 5 - 10 was horrendous ( 10 being the peak!). We used to fight constantly

Now he's 16 and gorgeous and my best friend. He started secondary school and just seemed to grow up. He found his feet, made lovely friends and I've really enjoyed his teenage years.

So there is Hope OP, I mean it!

Chiyo666 · 12/05/2020 16:00

My brother was an asshoooooooole from 10. The overnight he just transformed at about 17 into a great guy and now he’s one of my best friends

PurpleChevron · 12/05/2020 16:03

I have an 11 yr old DD.......we butt heads a lot.
Her behaviour is awful to live with and the more I try to implement rules and structure the more she pushes against me.
I think a lot of our problems is a clash of personalities, but also working out what triggers her and not escalating arguments (not so easy at the mo when we are trapped in a tiny house together) has massively helped things.
I completely understand what you are saying.

Another thing that has helped me is to not take her behaviour personally. Most of the time she is like a baby - hungry, tired or bored. Distraction is a wonderful technique!

formerbabe · 12/05/2020 16:05

They're generally quite obnoxious at that age My ds is 12 and is quite Jekyll and Hyde...I think it's because of all the unreasonable requests I make like get dressed before lunchtime, brush your teeth twice a day, sometimes I even ask him to put his dirty laundry in the basket.

MrsTidyHouse · 12/05/2020 16:11

Yes. I feel broken.

miatheminx · 12/05/2020 16:39

There is a reason I won't run Cubs Scouts their age range is 8-10.5 and generally they are obnoxious.
Think everything g they do is wonderful, funny and clever, show offs and quite cruel at times.

By 14 to 16 they start to find the age of least resistance and are nicer and easier to be around.

Original poster

Nuked1981 · 12/05/2020 16:52

Thank you, read and reread

It feels very serious actually. He fights and argues and disagrees over everything. I mean everything. Always been a strained relationship to varying degrees but last year - another level.

I do not parent him effectively. I engage and often lose it with him. Waking away doesn’t work. He will follow.

I am so scared about adolescence

Plus I hate my daughter living in his environment

OP posts:

Original poster

Nuked1981 · 12/05/2020 16:52

this environment

OP posts:

Original poster

Nuked1981 · 12/05/2020 16:53

@MrsTidyHouse

That is how I feel. I am sorry you are in the same boat

OP posts:

Sevencats · 12/05/2020 17:03

My relationship with my son as he was growing up especially in the younger years was hard. He was horrible. But normal teenager stuff.

He then had a medical problem and we had to spend more time together. Helping him out. Comforting him. Strangely his medical problem and pain bought us as a whole family together. The one good thing to come out of it.

My advice is to find a common ground. Something you both agree on or can do together. Not a quick fix but these things never are and it will help as he gets older. But I need to get a handle on it now as it will only get worse over time.

OvaHere · 12/05/2020 17:04

If it's any consolation two (out of three) of my DS's were really hard work at age ten. By hard work I mean CAMHS involvement, a school move and significant family strain.

I was dreading adolescence because like you I thought it would be hell. Surprisingly though going through puberty actually had a net positive for both of them.

I'm not saying it's all been plain sailing but my 19 yr old is lovely now and nothing like the angry 10 year old he once was. My 16 yr old is getting there - not perfect but significantly improved. We're definitely better and happier as a family.

It's my opinion that a big part of the stress was school. They both have SEN to a degree and the fallout of that was at it's worst roughly between 8-14. I think post 14 as puberty really kicked in they started to get a better handle on themselves and their emotions.

I've no idea if this applies to your situation but it's something to think about.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 12/05/2020 17:29

Is there anything particular that might have caused or exacerbated his anger and distress?
Did it start first at school or at home, or both at the same time?

Original poster

Nuked1981 · 12/05/2020 17:44

Right now he’s a delight. Why? Because he is doing EXACTLY what he wants to do. Hew playing switch. He wants to talk to me about it and I live for these exchanges because they aren’t negative.

For the remaining 12 hours I’d the day when he isn’t playing switch - he is relentlessly argumentative. It doesn’t matter what I say - he will disagree.
He never does first time what needs to be done. I have to constantly remind and after, remind and nag.
He is very volatile and emotional. There’s no build up to being upset and angry. Zero to 100 in nano seconds.

He’s always been like this even since a toddler but the disagreeing over everything has developed in last couple of years.

I found myself today wondering whether I loved him. Liked him? No. But it was me wondering whether I actually loved this child that has so disturbed me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nuked1981 · 12/05/2020 17:48

He’s intelligent
He’s sporty
He’s popular (but very boastful and self centred so are this age it’s ok. Pretty soon, there will be a back lash)
He’s naughty ish at school but behaviour standard are very very high and he really cares about doing well and being seen viewed positively by the teachers (Hates it when I praise him though. Will then try to convince me that “I didn’t try” “it was luck”. But when it comes to sport he wants endless and hyperbolic praise)

OP posts:

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 12/05/2020 18:36

OP he sounds like quite a few 10 year olds I know - arrogant and boastful and obstinate - all of which are unpleasant traits and it must be very difficult to face things you don't like in your own children.
Worst case scenario - perhaps you don't love him (although I think this is unlikely, otherwise why would you be so upset by the thought). However you do have a duty to raise him the best you can to be a responsible adult, and I would hold on to the hope of the experience of others in this thread, that as children mature they pass through a difficult age.
Perhaps eventually moving up to secondary school and being a small fish in a big pond will bring him down a peg or two.

TheTempest · 12/05/2020 18:55

My DD is 10, and honestly is really hard work at the moment. She seems to have made it her life’s mission to get at me until I lose my temper and send her to her room.

She also argues with me constantly about everything. I figured it was the upheaval/ start of puberty as her temper flares so easily but she calms down again. She seems much better with a clear defined routine, lots of exercise and if all else fails I try and get half an hour away upstairs or whatever so she and I can calm down.

I also have a 21 year old step daughter who was tricky at this age too, she’s honestly awesome now. Keep the faith x

formerbabe · 12/05/2020 18:57

Can you find something you both can enjoy together op? My ds loves playing uno so we do that together or find a tv show you both enjoy and can watch together...I think finding some common ground can help.

YeOldeTrout · 12/05/2020 19:26

I kind of thing OP needs a reboot but that isn't simple to do.
Why is he so unhappy, OP?

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