Does anyone have a horrendous relationship with their 10 year old??

[Nuked1981]

Name changed as appalled I’m writing this.

Does anyone have a really really shit relationship with their 10 year old (my son). Just turned 10.

I just am really struggling to see the positives in him and he seems to dislike me intensely too.

I try. I really try. He is difficult at school but nothing to how difficult at home.

It’s more than that. I can’t bear how he behaves and some of his actual personality.

It’s killing me

It sounds like my relationship with my almost 9 year old at the moment. It concerns me what the constant shouting at me and negativity is doing to his younger siblings. It's so hard isn't it.

Can you focus your mind on any positives about him? Things you like in him and try and focus on those?

If you feel yourself turning into a nag or something else you don't like, suggest a family meeting.
Nothing's off the table. Everyone gets to list what the current problems are.
Everyone gets to suggest solutions . All suggestions, no matter how outlandish or impractical.

Once you've got your lists, pick a couple of things to try.

If that doesn't work, go back to the lists and try something else

Pick a time when you can have a chat with him calmly.

Ask him how he feels about your relationship.
Get him to suggest what would make this better and how you can work together to make things work.
Start giving him responsibility, choices you can live with. Like you do with toddlers- do you want this or that.

Pick your battles. Easier said than done but very good advice.

Thank you for kind and genuinely helpful response
I lost it. I screamed and shouted and pushed him outside the back door in to garden, closed the door.

It was horrendous.

However - as has happened before, it was like a reset for him. He was beside himself upset. I called him in, told him to get in the shower and not to say a word. He showered and got in pjs (usually this is a fight). Became in and we had a long chat. I said my behaviour was despicable but quite honestly - it was the net effect of what I saw as his constant denigration and exhausting verbal war fare.

We then had a lovely evening watching tv whilst I massaged his feet

BUT similar has happened (although not with some losing it on quite such a epic scale, although still losing it no doubt about that).

It’s almost as though once he has achieved what he set out too, he can relax and be pleasant.

For what it’s worth, I have a wonderful relationship with my other child.

But with my son - for a longtime, it really is very negative.

Ask him how he feels about your relationship.
Get him to suggest what would make this better and how you can work together to make things work.
Start giving him responsibility, choices you can live with. Like you do with toddlers- do you want this or that.

Thank you. But those in a similar situation to me know that we have done all this and many more strategies and tactics. And they don’t work.

They do work, absolutely. My daughter relishes this kind of thing.

But there are some personalities who really don’t fide a flying fig about pleasing people - so proving themselves by having more responsibility etc does nothing other create yet another point of tension

You are literally describing my ds. He will be 10 in August and the last few months he really has become the most horrible boy. He can be happy as anything then it's like a switch goes, he becomes so angry and sometimes violent. He is selfish, lazy, rude, and literally nothing is his fault! He doesn't do anything he is told, At my wits end with him. I was expecting this sort of behaviour when he became a teenager, not at 9! He was such a lovely child when he was younger, never had terrible 2s or anything, dunno what happened!

My son is 9 and we've started arguing quite a lot in the last few weeks. I think the lockdown is making things worse though as we're stuck indoors together

I've been there op- they know how to push your buttons. I don't think you need to feel to bad if it is a rare occurrence.

With my girls we had a conversation about how their moods effect everyone in the house. How it's okay to feel cross and frustrated but it isn't okay to take this out on everyone else.

We also defuse situations with humour and good natured ribbing, which has always happened on this house. It doesn't always work and has spectacularly backfired on a couple of occasions.

Also pick consequences before things escalate and ones you can stick to.

You have my sympathies OP, I was horrendous from the age of about 10-14/15, extremely argumentative, thought I was always right, pushing boundaries constantly etc. I was very well behaved at school, very sensitive and would get upset if I was ever told off at school, but didn’t care much at home. I have no idea why I was like this tbh, nothing traumatic happened to me, very good parents and home life. I think I just resented being controlled and told what to do by people who I thought were not as intelligent as myself, not saying I’m a genius, but I was top set, in gifted and talented etc., so brighter than the average child my age.

Is he very intelligent? Some kids once they realise they have their own opinions and thoughts and their parents aren’t always right, that’s when the battles can start. I’m completely different now and really calmed down once I got to about 15/16 and got more independent and mature, have a great relationship with my parents, but I remember them saying at one point they loved me but didn’t like me, which really hurt, but looking back I can’t say I blame them much!

Is his dad around?

Those who had expressed very similar

Do you ever lose it? All day (week!) I had kept myself contained, and then - i really did lose it. I pulled him from his chair and pushed him, hard, out the door, really hard and slammed the door behind him.

But then - 30 mins later, he’s relaxed, polite, no arguing. As I say, like he had won and so now could be pleasant.

Single parent
Disney dad

@Elsiebear90

He is intelligent.

I suspect that there is a lot of truth in what you’re saying about control.

Please tell me - what would have been the best approach? I allow him a lot of flexibility and choice

Nuked - thank you. (Watery smile). I think lockdown has highlighted some issues that might have gone unnoticed previously. Structure and routine help a lot. I love her so much, but I'm so drained it's hard work finding something to like, or even want to be in the same room. I think with maturity her present stubbornness and self-righteousness could morph into a fine adult.

It's a relief to know that others are having, or have had, similar problems. She's out in the garden now, letting off some steam, so I'll try to get some order into this mess, and stay calm

Nuked - very slow typing here; I was replying to you posts of around 16.50.

There was a thread a few days ago about this kind of child, lots of suggestions there. I'll try to find it. One thing I do remember is people mentioning "The Explosive Child". Many of the posts rang true for me.

Yes please
“Explosive child” resonates

Just read the synopsis... I am going to buy! Spot on

This was in Relationships. It gave me a lot to consider. HTH

My 9 year old daughter hits us, punches us, kicks us, screams at us, and i dont know what to do :( (390 Posts)
Add message | Report | Message poster JuatWantAdvice506 Fri 24-Apr-20 19:34:19

@Nuked1981 I think making him aware of the effect his behaviour is having on you could help, my parents never really did this with me. They told me I was argumentative, but not that what I was doing was hurting them and making them miserable. I think if knew that I would have made effort to control myself more. Also, try not to engage with him when he’s spoiling for an argument, my dad used to argue back with me and we got to some absolutely horrendous rows. My mum was better at ignoring me, so we didn’t argue as much. I don’t really know realistically if there was anything they could have done to “change” me though, I think I was holding back at school and used to “let rip” at home where I felt safe and like I was able to express myself. You do have my sympathies though as not liking your own child (which is understandable) must be horrible.

Itnis the emotional manipulation that is so horrible !

You are the worst mum
You dont care about my feelings
You prefer them over me
Fine I will just go live somewhere else
Ok I will just ask dad instead, at least he cares
You have ruined my life

All over tiny things like wrong thing bought, wrong dinner served, asking them to do soemthing you have asked a million times and it is totally reasonable for them to do (get a drink, make a sandwich cos I am working etc) i refused to do a total room makeover late at night that resulted in a photo of both of us being ripped up. Declaratiosnnof hating her room and stubbornly sleeping in the landing. Apparently I never spend time with her even though we do face masks and nails and hair etc, it is just that for a small moment she isn't the centre if attention or I have to help the other dc or I have said no to buying something!

If the slightest thing goes wrong, life I ruined and itnis the worst day ever!! 🙄

I’m going to have to go to bed but will read tomorrow morning the latest responses

I have bought the book!

MIL had a very difficult relationship with DH when he was a child. She describes him as being very wilful and a hard child to love. DH doesn’t like to talk about it but I think that, contrary to the bolshy facade he presented, he was a very insecure child particularly with regards to his younger sister, who he felt could do no wrong. Interestingly he was well behaved for FIL who out and out favoured his sister.

I don’t know if any of that is at all useful, but your DS did strike me as a little boy who might be using his arrogance to hide a bruised self esteem.

This is a really difficult age. It sounds like you’ve gotten yourself into a habit of tension- drama- explosion and then levelling out.
You can’t control him but you can put in boundaries that will over time work.
When my oldest was that age, the arguments would be a tennis match , me always responding , him back at me etc. I would give him a punishment , I.e go to your room. He’d argue, slam doors or continue to back chat. I’d up the anti and load another punishment on top and so on.
This was just escalating . What I learned maybe from super nanny or something was that once you’ve given the punishment ie go to your room for 30mins, that’s it. That’s the only thing you want to achieve. No more punishments no more escalating . The point is to remove them so that they can calm down and you can discuss the behaviour blah blah blah. A bit like the naughty step for a toddler.
When I did this , my son of the same age, escalated and escalated , shouted , slammed doors, I remember it vividly. My husband and I were biting our tongues and just kept ignoring him, apart from saying go to your room.
He did eventually. He wanted the drama, the shouting and screaming , when he realised we weren’t playing our role in that drama anymore he stopped too. It literally was like a switch changed in our relationship.
He’s still bold and needs punishing etc as is normal but the drama, shouting and screaming isn’t present . He knows I won’t lose it and in turn doesn’t push so hard .
The discussion of the poor behaviour is calm and reasonable as well.

Hope that makes sense .