What r'ship do you currently have with neighbours and what r'ship do you want?

[FTMF30]

Since CV19 our road have joined a group WhatsApp. I didn't particularly want to join the group but didn't want to ignore the invitation either. So I joined. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be at first but now it's all getting too pally for me. I'm dreading the plans being made for "when it's all over". Now they've sent round an invite for a bloody VE day celebration where we all sit in our front gardens and play music. I don't want to do that. I know I can simply not take part but I've felt awkward enough for not going out to religiously clap. It's like social judgement if you don't.

I much prefer neighbours to be those you exchange pleasantries with if you see them and not much more.

I think I'm just a socially awkward person, bordeline miserable (🤷‍♀️). But I just dont like how things have become (people posting pics in their garden, new appliances, their kids playing, etc) Am I miserable? What kind of relationship do you have with your neighbours and is it the type of relationship you want?

On nodding terms but that is it. COVID has not changed it, at first I was sad that I was not in a community that had a close relationship but now I am glad. I don't need it.

dogwalks we're the same.
My neighbour's have keys and we look after each others cats ....unless we're away together then we use the cattery 😂

Can't believe that concept is so alien to so many people

Its not alien. Some people do and some don't. I don't personally, There's nothing wrong with that either

Occasional chat with one side - they trust me to cat sit. Other side blanks us unless they want something. After seeing how far their gardener splashed orange fence paint across our garden and hearing her abusive ranting at her LD son and vulnerable father, they (specifically she) can get to fuck.

Joined on neighbours we get on well with. We have each other's spare key so we can let the dog out/feed the cat etc. We chat over the fence and drink wine together when it's warm enough. It's great because our previous neighbour was really horrible so it's lovely to know we weren't the problem!
We have a whatsapp group with the rest of the street. It's been brilliant for alerts for shopping delivery spots, adding bits to shopping lists, sharing info about pubs doing take away/where to get flour and yeast etc. We have a street party every year but we feel much closer now so the next one should be really good fun

None and none!
We have noisy neighbours... Having visitors everyday and playing take lots music. No desire to have a closer relationship with them and look forward to putting the house on the market once this is all over.

A smile and wave, maybe pass the time of day and that's as much as I want. We only neighbours to one side of the house and the road is so wide that the people across from us are really quite far away.

There's a village Facebook group which is good for.info.but a street WhatsApp would fill me with dread tbh.

Not wanting a relationship doesn't mean you don't help. We did shopping for an elderly neighbour when we had bad snow, we'd shop for her now if she was still our neighbour. We just don't see the point in making friends with people we have nothing in common with just because they live next door. If they need a relationship then they can make the effort but I doubt they would get far.

I agree that (for me) its important to know your neighbours (not in an over familiar way) just to have that reassurance that you have got local support .... and just as important that you can offer local support.

Our teenager frequently forgot his key & the elderly widow who lives opposite is happy to have our spare key & has a friendly chat with our DS when he goes to get the key; when her DH was dying we were able to be with her while she waited for family to arrive, another neighbour was seriously ill and needed his dog walking, Years ago I was held up and needed someone to care for my DC before I got home (bus dropped him off, no way of stopping the bus), there are all sorts of scenarios where you might need help, I can’t understand people who say they would Never need help .

We have recently set up a scheme in our town to help people with shopping etc In the current situation and it is quite sad the number of people who say they have no one to help them .... but often the same people volunteering live near these people and are more than happy to help .

There’s no way I’d join a Whatsapp group, the very thought makes me anxious!

Our immediate neighbours are brilliant, we stop for chats if we see each other. We help the elderly ones with moving stuff/gardening/technical stuff if necessary. We take in parcels, the usual, I think, but bar the one who looks after the dogs occasionally, they don’t come in our house.

We used to have a neighbour who came round constantly, joined my hobby then did something that totally blew our friendship out of the water. I’m relieved and delighted she moved.

Exactly Ragwort
We aren't close friends with any of our neighbours - don't go out with them or anything, but it is about being there when either us, or someone else, needs a bit of support. It seems that some people are being very black and white about it - you can 'get on with people' and 'pass the time of day with people' and 'help someone out who needs it' without being in an 'in and out of each others homes all day' relationship.

I’m an introvert too, and I love the fact that we and our neighbours on each side are happy just to say hello with no real further conversation, take in each other’s parcels, and lend out a bottle of wine if we’ve/they’ve ran out.

Perfect.

Immediate NDN, that is.

Reading all the posts have made me feel much better about not going out the front to celebrate on 8th May.

I've just seen another post and someone has organised something similar with a full itinerary! I'm very grateful I don't live there.

Minimal and pleasant is what we currently have

Minimal and pleasant is all i want

Whenever I have had a neighbour who wants to be properly friendly they have turned out to be nightmares who are needy and expect you to take them to st tiggywinkles whenever their cat brings in a mouse or a bird, not because they can’t drive, but because they need the support

And then when you move away you don’t hear from them again as you obviously aren’t any use anymore

My road in the village has ended up in a WhatsApp group and I've had to mute it because it was pinging non stop. It's calmed down now and is mostly gardening chat which cancels me out thank goodness

I'm a friendly sort and a natural extrovert but even I got a bit panicky at how pally we were getting. It's all a bit gung ho and lots of virtue signaling going on - instructions not suggestions (show the binmen we appreciate them - "already done!" someone swiftly typed) and I've started to feel claustrophobic.

BIG plans for VE day and tbh I'm wondering whether to sit it out but feel considerable pressure to at least make some bunting. I wouldn't mind, in fact would really like, an actual street party where we mingle and chat but this is front garden stuff and as I am one of the few who lives alone I feel a bit lonesome and exposed about it.

Lovely neighbours either side and I'd rather everyone was lovely than horrid but I'm craving some anonymity and feel like running away.

Yes exactly - all through my life it has always been other people wanting my help, my support, my input and my time and effort, whereas I have literally never had to cry on someone’s shoulder (other than my DH), never needed to have my children looked after (even through years of being a single parent), never wanted or needed help and support and whatnot. I also don’t have any patience for drama, fallings out, playground politics, etc, in any way, shape or form, the instances of which tend to be multiplied whenever there are close ‘communities’ of people. I decided fairly early on that I was not going to play that game.

I’ve been much happier since I decided to just focus on myself, my children and my relationship, family, of course, and to a lesser degree, friends, acquaintances and colleagues. If anyone in my immediate circle needs help then of course I am happy to offer it if I can, but that’s it. I’m not interested in anything more than that.

I don't live near my family and I lost my mum years ago. There are people I've met since living in my little village who I now class as family.
We look after each others children, socialise regularly and even go on holiday together.
Then there are those who I class as friends and acquaintances who is stop to chat to in the street or the pub.
None of this is necessary but it certainly makes life nicer..... especially for my ds who is an only child yet feels like he has an extended family.

Quick hello. Exchange pleasantries.
That’s all

It’s great, of course, for those who have found a good circle of friendship and I’d never presume to tell anyone that the validity of their experience is negated by mine. There are different people in the world, with different needs and different circumstances, and different things work or don’t work depending on who you are, and in this context also on who the neighbours are.

I'm similar to you OP. Our street has a Facebook group which I used to be part of, but decided to leave since lockdown. I've got no interest in making a public display of my support for the NHS by clapping on the doorstop, nor do I want to participate in the street parties and so forth that they seem to be planning. I'm sure our neighbours notice that we're in the minority who don't choose to participate, but we're still pleasant and say hello to people when passing etc. I've no interest in having more of a relationship than that with my neighbours and being completely honest, would be just as happy if they didn't speak to me at all

We're in a privated, gated close. We're all on a whatsapp group which is useful (e.g. rubbish collection info, someone coming to clean the car park etc). We're all on good speaking terms but I don't participate in anything I don't want to. I haven't joined in the clapping for example, they are talking about the VE event too, but some ppl in our close have lost people or been very ill themselves so I'm sure everyone will be respectful and people will either celebrate or not in their own way. I never feel that people force others, but they are friendly. Our immediate neighbours each side are really lovely - considerate but not overbearing.

When we got a letter through the door urging us to download a neighbourhood app to 'connect with the community' when they barely acknowledge you in the street it's like 🙄