Do you dote on your nephews/nieces?

[teatree123]

I have a two-year old who is much loved by both sets of grandparents and my siblings. My husband's brother and his wife, on the other hand, are just not bothered with her at all. My husband isn't especially close with his brother, and I get some people don't like children, but is the following behaviour normal?

• a very basic birthday card (to x, from y), no presents
• never ask after her in messages
• no response to photos of her shared in family WhatsApp (we share one maybe once a month max)

My siblings love my daughter. My friends who have nephews and nieces also love them to bits. So this is really odd to me. I can't help but feel hurt, and let this colour my relationship with my brother in law, particularly as they seem very fond of my brother in law's wife's (older) nephew and niece, and spend time with them.

Can someone help me make sense of this?

I guess everyone is different, but I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews and am really missing them in lockdown. I am not close to my own aunts and uncles though because I didn't see them often as a child.
I think it all depends on the relationship between the child's parent and their sibling, if your DH and his brother are not close there's your answer.

Yes and no. I'm very similar I think. I get on very well with my sister, she's my best friend. She has 2 kids who I was always very close with as I spent so much time with them growing up. I spoilt them rotten (in a nice way) with love, attention, reading, playing etc and they're very loving kids anyway. We've now moved further away but speak most days and that includes the kids as they're not at school.
My DH has a sister who has 2 kids also, but he's not as close with her as I am with mine. I try to make an effort with them but there's definitely a difference and something unspoken in the air. I wonder whether it's reflective of the relationship between the parents. It would make sense in our case.

Why do you think there's a "normal" to this? This is who they are. Why do you think they should be falling over themselves to be interested in your child? I'm sure your child is lovely, and you too. But you can't insist upon the kind of relationship that you want, or even the kind of relationship someone else may have.

And from a personal point of view, which may or may not throw any light on this - I am not a "baby" person, I'm not very good with younger children, but once they get to the stage of talking incessantly (i.e. older and when their parents and everyone else can only stand short periods of them!) I come right into my own and can talk to them all day long. Everyone is different.

I adore mine, they’re a huge part of our lives and I’m missing them a lot in lockdown.

Growing up though a couple of my aunts/uncles were ‘bothered’ with me and my siblings, the rest of them clearly weren’t. It wasn’t considered an issue or remarked upon at the time, we just weren’t particularly close to those family members.

I dote on my own siblings' children more than DHs, possibly because we see them rarely. Dhs sisters dont do things like family chat groups so I cant really comment.

It could be down to lots of things.

1. Being a prick.
2. Having a better connection with the older ones. Not everyone likes small children.
3. Being geographically closer.
4. Limited headspace.
5. Sexism, seeing cards etc as wifework and wife quite rightly refusing.
6. Different expectations - did they get cards from aunts and uncles growing up?
7. The relationship between the wife and her siblings might play a huge part in this dynamic, as will the dynamic between dh and bil.

I idolize my boys. It's breaking my heart not seeing them. I do face time them, but Its not the same. I can't wait snuggle them and put them on a butty and eat them all up. .
They're my sister's kids though, so I don't know if I'd be as close if they were my brothers. Like most Grandparents are closer and more involved with their Daughters kids. I wonder if aunties are more closer to their sister's kids.

I don't have any nieces and nephews by blood but BIL and his wife have them. I never see them as we live a plane ride away (DH visits once a year) but I always respond to pictures of them posted in WhatsApp chats etc.

My DSis is pregnant and I'm very excited to be a "blood" auntie to a child who's local so I will see them! My sister definitely doesn't dote on my children though. She didn't even get DS2 a first birthday card or present. She asks after them and for pictures etc, but I think she's just not into kids. Will see what happens when she has her own! I will still make the effort with my new niece or nephew though.

I think it is very dependent on the sibling relationship.
DH isn't close to his brothers, and as the first of his nephews was born when he was 18 and at uni, he was in a very different place to them. As they've got older, theres been more of a relationship with a couple of them. Conversely, ds was born when the youngest was 11, and no one was particularly excited or wanted to be close to yet another child in the family.
Interestingly though, now dbil2 is divorced and his new partner who doesn't have children (and his are all living independantly), she is close to ds and much more of an aunty - but dh and dbil2 are now much closer than they've ever been

I think you might be right Awwlookatmybabyspider, mine are my sister's kids and their other auntie on their dad's side doesn't see them much but does still send gifts for birthdays etc.

Ah I really try, but I'm just not that interested in pictures of my nephew nor the latest update on his progress. I completely understand that he is the centre of my sibling's world, but that doesn't make him the centre of everyone else's. I also find it difficult to comment on the photos, oh he looks cute here, oh yes, he looks very cute again in this one...and this one...

Your SIL may be closer to her family than your BIL is to his (you, your DH etc).

Is that you Meghan?

I think it works both ways. We have 2 nephews and a niece and we probably could make more of an effort to go and see them but I find it’s constantly us who has to set a date and drive the hour to see them all (they never offer to meet half way somewhere or god forbid visit our home in big busy London). We always give presents for Christmas/birthdays and attend birthday parties when we can and ask about them over text.

My SIL is very vocal about her sister being the “best auntie ever” etc all over social media and so I’m not about to compete in pettiness to go up the ranks to be honest.

Yep. I didn't realise you could love other peoples children as much as your own until my nieces and nephews arrived.

But we were very close to our cousins, aunties and uncles growing up so it seems normal to me that we would spend a lot of time together.

Do they have children of their own? Are they close in age to you and DH?

The reason I'm asking is that DH and I started trying for a family, six months down the line Sil was pregnant whilst we were still trying. Once she had the baby we did all of the right things but it was very hard when we 'should' have been the ones having a baby first.

It was easier with older nieces/nephews because they existed before we were trying.

We did eventually have children five years later and thingswere much easier

I have four brothers and a sister. My sister is much younger and just 20 so she doesn't show much interest but is pleasant to them. Doesn't bother me. I wouldn't have cared at 20 either.

Out of my brothers, two make a big effort, special nephew cards, nice presents. Asking about the kids regularly. One is vaguely interested and the other couldn't give a toss.

I have 9 nieces and nephews and I love them all and make a fuss of them. I think it also depends on the relationship with the parent as well.

We live in quite a matrilineal society so this doesn't really surprise me. It sounds like you DD has lots of loving relatives so it's not like she's missing out.

We adore our nephew, who is my husband's brother's child. The only thing is that as they live several hours away we often visit them for the day with MIL who lives halfway, and she is always up in my nephew's face. So we only really bond with him when we visit on our own, which is less frequent. Both sides want to visit more often though so when lockdown is over we will have them here. We always send gifts etc.

Only the ones whose parents I like - I'm very close to them, hardly know the others.

I think it depends on families. Neither mine, nor my husband’s siblings are overly bothered. My sister-in-law has young children too, but they don't aways remember our children’s birthdays etc, and when they do, it’s a token gift (colouring book & crayons, basic crafts set etc). My brothers often go months, even over a year without seeing them. They never remember birthdays (sometime the eldest’s as it’s near Christmas) but send something at Christmas.

None have ever looked after them for us or made any particular effort to spend time with them. Saying that, though, grandparents are not massively OTT about them either.

I have one niece and she is my world. (my husbands brothers DD)
I guess everybody is different though. My two brothers don't take much interest in my two children.

I think it's common and depends on the type of person they are and sometimes the general wider family dynamics in particular families etc. I find it sad though. We don't have any nieces or nephews but DH actually has a cousin who is only little - under 5. We have always doted on her and still do. My siblings dote on our DD, my DB more than my DSis. BIL and his wife aren't bothered about our DC at all which I find very odd and sad and DH finds pretty devestating. They spend a lot of time with their nephews from BIL's wife's side of the family which makes it more upsetting. They didn't get DC a birthday present, or even a card! And no Xmas present or card this year either. They're wealthy too. But what can you do? DH told his brother he's upset about it all and the fact that he's hardly seen our DC but he just makes excuses about being busy with work . You can't make people care so best to focus on the ones that do care.

Theres a big difference in not being interested in children and being deliberatly rude. Its ok for them not to be close to their neice but its very rude to ignore her existance in messages and not ask after her.

That said i dont understand these people. I adore my neices and nephews.

Tbh i would also be a bit hurt by lack of interest, basic birthday card no present., Especially if they make more of a fuss of other nieces and nephews.
I think relationship between parents can be key, if the parents arent close then the relationship between uncle/ aunt/ niece/ nephews won't be. Everyone is different some simply won't feel the same connection but personally I think thats no excuse for not showing an interest.
My sister has been a very hands on aunt, my brother less so, DH siblings have a more distant relationship and often forget our DCs birthdays and probably would struggle to remember how old they are.

My DH isn't close to his niece and nephew at all. I think my SIL would like for us to dote on them but DH and SIL aren't close so I think it was always going to be a more distant relationship.

I don't see SILs kids as anything to do with me really. I've got nothing against them I just don't really think about them and I certainly wouldn't say I love them.

My best friend is pregnant at the moment though and I almost feel like I already love that baby. I can't wait to meet them and I actually cried with happiness when she told me.

My brother who lives a few hours away doesn't yet have children. While I'd say I love him I can't imagine being close to his kids because I don't see or speak to him enough to describe us as having a close relationship.

What I'm trying to say is that I think it depends a lot on the relationship between the parents as well as geographical closeness and general attitude towards kids.