Do you dote on your nephews/nieces?

[teatree123]

I have a two-year old who is much loved by both sets of grandparents and my siblings. My husband's brother and his wife, on the other hand, are just not bothered with her at all. My husband isn't especially close with his brother, and I get some people don't like children, but is the following behaviour normal?

• a very basic birthday card (to x, from y), no presents
• never ask after her in messages
• no response to photos of her shared in family WhatsApp (we share one maybe once a month max)

My siblings love my daughter. My friends who have nephews and nieces also love them to bits. So this is really odd to me. I can't help but feel hurt, and let this colour my relationship with my brother in law, particularly as they seem very fond of my brother in law's wife's (older) nephew and niece, and spend time with them.

Can someone help me make sense of this?

I forgot my nephews first birthday last month. I’m frontline in the Nhs and have been a bit busy holding my own shit together. It’s not an excuse but he won’t ever remember? So does it really matter that I didn’t get him a card? 🤷‍♀️ It’s just for the parents own pleasure really at that age?

But you’ll probably all think I’m the devil incarnate.

Interesting thread OP as I've recently been wondering similar. We don't have big families, one DB each for me and DP. My DB isnt big on kids at all and doesn't plan to have any of his own, but we're close and he's made a real effort with my DD since she was born which I was happily surprised about.

BIL lives the other end of the country so don't see them as often, we used to go up a few times a year to visit but haven't been as much recently due to having our own DD. We always sent a nephew card and gift for birthdays/Christmas and tried to get things we knew he was into etc. They rarely come visit us, not even when DD was born. They were initially excited when we announced the pregnancy but since then haven't showed any interest. Literally no replies at all to baby pics etc (again not frequent but once or twice every few months) which I find it quite hurtful and it's made me reconsider the relationship I have with them. I don't want it to influence the relationship with DN so need to be really conscious of that. I'll still get him an Xmas present even if they can't be bothered to send one to DD.

I like some better than others but do very consciously treat them all the same. I think it's a personality thing, I just flow better with some than others, I see that they feel the same way towards me versus how they are around other family members. It does sometimes change with age though. I had a lot of trouble connecting with my oldest nephew but ever since he hit puberty he talks more and reacts more which makes it so much easier to find common ground. He now shows his own opinions and interests which is lovely because he is such a smart and funny boy.

I have two nephews ,my sister's boys whilst obviously I care about their wellbeing no I don't dote on them ,I have my own two boys who.are my world ,I think it might be different if I didn't have my own kids , .

I must say however that while I have no real interest in DHs newlywed and nieces if my sister had a child I would like to be an active part in their life. I would spend time getting gifts etc so I guess I would dote on them more.

And tbf my sister doesn't dote on my boys either whilst im sure she cares about their wellbeing she has her own two boys that take up.her time🤷

Nah I’m not crazy about my nephew. He’s not my blood relative, he’s DH’s - not that DH seems that bothered either. He’s a nice enough kid I suppose, we just aren’t interested in kids. Except our own, obviously. We’ve never taken him out on our own or anything - we see him for an afternoon half a dozen times a year, so I suppose we don’t really know him.

We give birthday gifts and stuff though. More because it’s the done thing than because we care. OP has it occurred to you that maybe your SIL is sick of the wife work of buying gifts so has said to BIL “You shop for your family and I’ll shop for mine”. And BIL has totally failed to bother.

I have virtually no relationship with mine. See them at family gatherings etc and they mean no more to me than a random on the street to be honest. It's a shame, but I'm over worrying about it now they're young adults.
My sister (their mum) doesn't bother with my kids either.
I wonder if when my other siblings have kids if I'll love them (because I love their parents). Maybe.
I just generally don't like kids very much.

I adore my sister's daughter but don't really have any kind of relationship with the nephews and nieces on my husbands side. I'm not a massive fan of children anyway, I have one of my own but I don't expect anyone to like him.

Not particularly fussed about them TBH. Bought them gifts when they were younger but SIL and I have agreed not to buy gifts any more, they get so many. We live a long way away, we see them once a year when we travel to see them (they haven't been to visit us for years), they aren't that close to my kids. Suspect my DB feels the same about my kids, think 'dote' is a strange term though, I show a polite interest but don't expect any more. I am probably more invested in another relatives children who live close to us who we see regularly and I have more of a relationship with.

My sister and I are close, I adore my 2-year niece and I chat to them both over FaceTime every day.

I like my DH’s brother and his wife, but I don’t much care about their baby. They don’t seem to particularly care about our DC either, which means a quick smile and sometimes a cuddle every couple of months are fine. They spend a lot of time with the wife’s nieces/nephews. Maybe in both cases it’s a blood relation thing.

I think the wider family dynamics and relations impact on the relationships with nieces and nephews.

I was the first grandchild and niece born a year after a huge family bereavement. To say I was doted on by my uncles is an understatement as were my brother and cousins that followed. Children have always played a very central part of our wider family life.
Now I have my own son and he is much loved and adored by both our wider families. My brother hates not being able to see him and FaceTimes regularly. I am close to my brother though. He’s equally excellent with with children of his friends who adore him.

I don’t really understand the whole women are only close with their own family thing that I read about on here a lot. My son has equally close relationships with his dad’s side of the family.

Mine are grown up and my sister is toxic. She's turned them against me as well so none of us talk now.

Thank you for the continued perspectives.

@Naithnira there's never been any 'wife work' done by SIL - the BIL manages all that himself in terms of cards and presents for his parents and DH, and always has done. It's a very equal household.

I have half a dozen, ranging from 31 to 10. All charming, all in regular contact.

I am not really interested in mine. I have loads. I will say hello when I see them about once a year at family gatherings.

I'm very close to both of my sisters. We speak every day on messenger. I look after one of my sisters kids and I see my other sister kids every week. We all dote on each others kids.

I don't see my SIL much unless we are all at my MIL house, but I do dote on her kids. When we see eachother it's lots of cuddles. I wouldn't call at their house randomly though. We aren't that close.

I dont have any but I have a brother and BIL and 2 children

my BIL is older and child free by choice and really awkward uncofmortable around young kids but he usually gives his parents/girlfriend some money to go pick out a gift for our kids at birthday/xmas etc...

my brother is a just a young single boy (early 20s now but he was only 12 himself when my oldest was born) where the thought honestly wouldnt even cross his mind to check up or buy gifts at xmas/birthdays etc...

its not personal though, they do both love their nephews in their own way like BIL keeps pictures of the kids around his house and my brother gives hand me downs when he finds thing etc... (almost like hes an older brother which is probably reflective of the small age gap)

I think a lot of it depends on the relationship between the adults

I doted on my brother's 4 kids when he and I were close. We've not spoken for several years now and I'm not even allowed to send the younger 2 cards. The elder 2 I'm still very close too.

DH was widowed when we met. His SIL's 3 kids are staying with us now while she works in ICU. They're not technically my nieces and nephews, but I dote on them as if they are.

BIL (DH's brother) has always doted on our kids. His GF doesn't have a close relationship with her nieces and nephews and it's changed things a lot. I don't think we'll have the same relationship with their child that BIL had/has with ours

My husband isn't especially close with his brother there’s your answer.

If he isn’t bothered, his wife is probably following his lead.

My kids absent birth dad never bothers with them, nor does their Nan, I’m sure she loves the idea of them, but actions speak louder than words...

All my kids will remember, is that their wider extended family were all so caught up in their own individual feuds, grudges and stories with eachother (of which they all have many) that they couldn’t find time to see them.

My husband’s family by contrast, make every effort to include the kids, sending cards, presents, chatting about them and asking after them.

I couldn't even name all my nephews and nieces. I think there's 21 of them but I struggle to keep up.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

No, we have no contact. I tried for many years to reach out to her/send her b day cards/presents, but only ended up feeling more hurt. She just cut me out of her life when I had children. She's never wanted them herself. However, she clearly has issues and I suspect that she was jealous of the fact that they would get attention from my parents. Three years ago though, my husband nearly died of Sepsis and ended up in a coma on a life support machine. She had always got on well with him, yet still didn't send any message/reach out to us (she was made aware). So now I just focus on my family. I've not shut the door completely, but she will have to be the one to open it.

TiddlestheCat oh that’s so sad, I’m so sorry. No one deserves that.

I have a twin sister and we’re very close- as a result we absolutely dote on each other’s kids.

I wasn’t close to any of my aunts and uncles growing up and I’m so grateful that our kids will have another adult in their life (aside from their parents) who they know loves them completely.

I only dote on and adore my own children and I think that's quite normal. At the very most I would say I was mildly fond of my nephews and nieces, and rarely think about them unless I'm actually with them.