Do you dote on your nephews/nieces?

[teatree123]

I have a two-year old who is much loved by both sets of grandparents and my siblings. My husband's brother and his wife, on the other hand, are just not bothered with her at all. My husband isn't especially close with his brother, and I get some people don't like children, but is the following behaviour normal?

• a very basic birthday card (to x, from y), no presents
• never ask after her in messages
• no response to photos of her shared in family WhatsApp (we share one maybe once a month max)

My siblings love my daughter. My friends who have nephews and nieces also love them to bits. So this is really odd to me. I can't help but feel hurt, and let this colour my relationship with my brother in law, particularly as they seem very fond of my brother in law's wife's (older) nephew and niece, and spend time with them.

Can someone help me make sense of this?

No. Never see them. Last time i saw my brothers kids was Summer 2018. Dh’s brothers kids? Going back 5 year when i saw the youngest but 12 yrs the eldest.

No. I mean, I love them (DH's side, I'm an only) but I don't dote on them. We only see them at family get togethers.

Love my niece dearly she lived with us for 18 months during her a levels now back in Denmark where my sister is. Obviously due to distance we are not close and I wouldn't say I dote on her but I do love her.

We have never had much to so w bills boys he is a odd fella anyway. The few times over met his now adult sons they are lovely boys but I could not pick them out of a lineup..

Sils 2 boys we have seen regularly as they grew up once ever 1 -2months this changed as they went off to uni etc and one of the boys obscurely now lived in Copenhagen and has Danish girlfriend who he likely will marry. Other nephew is engaged and living about 2 hours away so we see Them yearly. I do love both boys but on a more distant manner than I do niece who feels like one of mine since she was with us...

Dd3 is about to move to Denmark to do her a levels in Denmark (opposite to niece) it will be interesting to see if in 10 years time my sister will feel like dd3 is one of "hers" too.

No, I have never doted on nephews and nieces, nor expected my siblings to be massively interested in y children. But we are an unsentimental bunch. I dont exchange birthday cards and presents with my siblings, never mind more distant relatives. I like my neohews and nieces well enough. They are all adults and very good company, but I was never that interested in them as young children, as I am basically not that interested in any small kids. I much prefer my own now they are older in fact.
And like a previous poster I don't see my husband's nephews and nieces as anything to do with me. I don't wish them any ill, but I don't love them. I try to make appropriately polite murmurings when faced with blow by blow accounts of their latest school reports, but I'm not sure I'm very convincing.
I wouldn't be in the slightest bit offended by anything you have said your BIL and his wife do/don't do OP. I wouldn't waste any energy on this. They are not harming your daughter and she obviously has plenty of loving relatives. People are all different. They are not like you, but that doesn't make anyone "wrong".

For someone never to ask about a family members’s children either:

• there’s issues in the family
• they’re just assholes

Love my niece and nephew, loved going out with them on trips when they were little, hearing about their achievements. Ok the 12 yr old is now full of attitude and drives me up the wall but still would die for him and his sister

My sister is yet to achnowledge either of my children. The oldest is almost ten. No congratulations or acknowledgment that I'd given birth, not a single b'day/Xmas card, no mention of the oldest in the Xmas card she sent to my husband and weeks after his birth, no response to their christening invitations, letters/photos sent. She has made clear that she has no interest in ever meeting them and has yet to see them. Some people are, sadly like that. In my view, (ok I'm biased), it's her loss. My children are really lovely, sweet and funny. Yes, it has been hurtful, but my children are none the wiser and surrounded by other relatives who love them.

Thanks everybody - I agree with a lot of posters that family dynamic is key here. Clearly, DH and BIL aren't that close (anymore - they were, not too long ago) and that has reflected on the niece. They do like babies though, as they talk about their friends' babies and getting them little presents (I know!). This all makes it sound like BIL hates DH or something, but when we see them in person they're friendly, so it's confusing

No.

I’m childfree by choice, so I don’t particularly want a lot of contact with other people’s children, even when they are members of my own family.

@Prontoe you got me! I didn't change the details enough

I don't have any and to be honest now, the relations are so poor I doubt I would dote on the child, if there was one. However.....if I knew I was visiting in laws and the child would be present I most certainly would take along a small gift, or some token for the child, I would try and send bday cards and pop £5 in a card for xmas and bday .

All of which our Aunt does not not do for our dc.

Just reading through these comments, I think that it's truly lovely how many of you adore your nephews and nieces!

TiddlestheCat do you still speak to your sister?

I'm not sure what you want explained, people are different, there's no reason they need to be the same as you.

I'm not sure I even dote on my own children, to me it sounds like something a childless elderly aunt would do, slightly suffocating although I don't think I've ever used the word.

No. Mine are dh's sister's kids and I barely know them, even though we live quite near each other. DH and sil are not close, his older kids don't even call her Aunt X, just call her by her name. I could have tried harder once we got married but I guess I took my cue from DH and he wasn't particularly bothered.
My kids are not doted on by either set of aunts and uncles, my brother and sil don't have or like kids, but sil has very strong views on how they should behave and be disciplined so we don't see them very often. They send presents and all but really don't know how to relate to them at all.

I'm very close to my Nieces and Nephews - my brother in laws family. In fact I probably dote on them more than DH does ( their blood uncle). My BIL and his wife are also very close to our boys.

My brother shows little interest in his nephews. He always buys them birthday/Christmas presents, but I'd actually rather he spent a bit more time with them. He doesn't have any children of his own so I think that is part of the reason why he can't associate with them. It's a shame, they're not young (11&16) so have passed the potential irritating stage. He's even the youngests god father!

No, but my nephew is in prison for GBH so I have my reasons

My brothers have never bothered with either of my children and now one of my brothers has a child of his own, I reciprocate by not giving two hoots about his DC either. I’m actually closest to my brother’s exWife, my exSIL, who never fails to send a card and present to my children for birthdays and Christmas, bless her! I guess every family dynamic is different.

My brother doesn’t take any interest, brings a Christmas present home every year but never asks about or talks to mine. He’s a few years younger, single and living in London so kids aren’t really his thing but it’s still pretty rude especially when I at least feign an interest in the parts of his life I find boring.

God this could be written about me, I’m a bit useless with my niece/nephew although I’m really not a bad person.

Firstly, I’m just not that into kids. Most kids can be really annoying or boring, sorry but it’s true. Secondly, I live 4 hours away so barely see them or know them, compared to their other auntie who has them for sleep overs etc. Thirdly they are my brothers children, and he is an arsehole and we have never got on. His wife and children do seem lovely tho but we just have fairly separate lives. I’m sure my SIL thinks I’m just as terrible tho.

My sis is very interested in my kids and likes to spend time with them, will banysit, always buys them thoughtful gifts at birthdays/xmas.

My DH has 4 siblings and none of them give a shit. Our DSs don't even get birthday cards or a mention on the family WhatsApp. However his younger bro's 6mo baby gets endless adulation from that side of the family

My brother and I get on ok but we're not particularly close, and I only see him and my SIL and niece once or twice a year. We do send each other's DC a card and present for Christmas and birthdays though.

DH isn't close to his brother who lives abroad. We see him when he comes back to visit (once every two or three years) but he's never sent the kids a card or present. I'm not entirely sure he could remember their names tbh.

I‘ve only become interested in my nieces and nephews since I‘ve had my own children. I never knew how to connect with children before, and tbh my life was more about friends and having a good time than anything child related. If I spoke to my siblings, I wanted to talk about adult stuff rather than watch their kid show off their very boring new skill (oh wow, he can hold a spoon! Thrilling )

I do regret it- 3 of them are still young so I have developed a relationship with them. But the others are 14 and 11 and I feel like I barely know them.

Not massively. I remember birthdays and send cards and presents and also at Christmas. I do like / comment on photos of them and do ask after them if I see my siblings. I don't actively seek out spending time with them. I spend time with my siblings and they're around by default. I wouldn't say I dote on them or have a very close attachment to them. I'm not really a kids person so maybe that's why? My siblings are the same towards my lo.

My brother is a bit like this. It's not that he doesn't like children just doesn't really know how to interact with them so doesn't have a 'bond' with mine. If he's going to see DD at Christmas he would always buy her a present etc, but wouldn't probably know when her birthday is.

DP's siblings on the other hand all have kids so know how to talk to them, the cousins spend time together etc so are much closer.

Doesn't really bother me, we all have different relationships from each other

I've only got two nieces, I've always loved them, taken an interest in them, done birthday presents etc., but I wasn't a very good, involved aunt when they were children, for various reasons. Now they're adults we have much more of a relationship, and touchingly they seem to be very fond of me too! In my wider family, it seems like everyone values their nieces and nephews.