Long story short- been with DP (he is mid-30s) just over a year. He used to be quite a smoker and heavy drinker yet has a lot of self awareness and has wanted to quit smoking and reduce his drinking for over a decade.
He used to idolize rock musicians and so followed their lifestyle in terms of smoking and drinking.
He said when he was younger he couldn't stand the smell of cigarette smoke, and even when he's quit for a while, he realises how gross it smells.
When we met just over a year ago, he told me he smokes but is trying to quit (and was chewing nicotine gum even that day).
Ever since then, he'd been chewing tons of nicotine gum and hardly ever actually smoking (he rarely even owns cigs) but most of his friends are heavy smokers and one in particular (nearly 40, unemployed, single father) is one he often hangs around and had known for a decade who lives closeby - which is where DP usually slips up (almost on a weekly basis, every time he has gone around). This friend is a chain smoker that smokes all day and night, hardly eats and just drinks booze all day, playing video games and watching TV all day, everyday.
DP used to say he got lonely as we didn't live together, which is why he'd often go around to this particular friend (who has all the time in the world as he's single) and that if during lockdown, I were to come and stay with him, he'd feel no need to fill the emotional void by going around there, etc. and DP weaned off the nicotine gum really well within a week and then went through a period of rolling up tobacco and putting it under his top lip which was a bit gross but he said it wouldn't be as harmful as smoking it and it's only a temporary/transitional thing but every 2 days or so, he'd slip up at around midnight, especially if he was tipsy and sitting outside in his garden, roll it up and take a drag, before throwing it away in disgust.
He'd ALWAYS be honest and confess to me without me even asking him. He has never once been deceitful about it.
Then, the other day he used a silly pointless excuse whilst out exercising to go to the home of afore mentioned friend (the chain smoking, unemployed one) for a beer (sat in his driveway). DP ended up smoking (he most often craves cigarettes when he is drunk - he says so himself). When he came home, he cried his eyes out telling me how disappointed he is in himself and showered and scrubbed and how he really wants to change and he hates how much this addiction is eating away at him.
After he slipped up those few times, he told me he would no longer buy rolling tobacco to put under his top lip and he would go properly cold turkey, which he managed successfully for 2 entire days and I praised him for how much of an achievement that is.
... yet today, he without telling me, went to his friend's place again on the way back from exercise (he said he kinda thought about it the last second as he was heading out so packed 2 beers with him). When he got back, he immediately had tears in his eyes. I asked him what's up? He was sobbing again and told me he went around to that friend's house and had a few beers and smoked some cigs off his friend. He said he didn't even really wanna see him but just went around as subconsciously he thinks he wanted a nicotine hit.
Again, he agreed with me when I was angry at him, he apologised, sobbed and begged me to carry on being strict with him (I said I'm getting tired of being the "nag" and he said his life depends on it and if he doesn't do it now, he'll never do it as he's never been in love with anyone as much as me) and that he's hugely TERRIFIED of dying as almost all of his male relatives have died of cancer (often associated with smoking and drinking and he seems to have a family history of male smokers and heavy drinkers).
I don't know what to do.
On the positive side, he's weaned off the nicotine gum successfully, doesn't own any tobacco and managed without for 2 days and has been totally honest when he's slipped up and keeps telling me he's always wanted to quit, willing to try therapies/services for it.
On the negative side, he's been trying to quit for over a decade (i.e. before he met me) and it's not worked, he has this huge affinity for that bad influence friend, he was deceptive to go to his friend's (even though he told me afterwards) AND worst of all, basically broke lockdown rules and put both of us at risk of covid just to feed his addiction... addicts always put their addiction before even the people they love rings true :(
I don't know what to do - he keeps telling me to be patient (as I've said I can't cope with all this forever) and he will change but how long to wait is reasonable? I am really patient with him, so supportive, encourage him when he's done well, try to empathize with him, I know he has to want it for himself and he keeps insisting he really really does and cries about the fact he has this addiction.
In every other way, we are such a good fit and he treats me so well (almost like a person treats their newborn child lol, always like I'm the most special thing in the world, completely faithful, caring, etc. but I just feel sad his addictions could be an ender for us.