If you're part of a "blended family" please make a will!!

[FrangipaniBlue]

I was thinking about starting this thread anyway but was prompted by another thread that I've commented on but didn't want to derail.

This is half to get things off my chest but half to plead to anyone in a blended family situation to please please think about will/estates planning so as not to leave your loved ones in the horrific situation that I'm in at the moment.

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible.

My Mum left my biological Dad shortly after I was born. He was a horrific man and I have the photographs of my Mum, clearly pregnant with me, sporting a black eye to support this.

I have never, and will never have anything to do with him.

When I was around 2 years old my Mum met, and shortly thereafter married, the man I call my Dad. That was 37 years ago, they never had any other children together and my Dad had no previous children/marriage.

I loved my Dad with all my heart. I never referred to him as my "Step Dad" because to me he wasn't. He brought me up, taught me to ride a bike, took me on holidays, tucked me in at night after reading me stories, went to every parents evening - he did everything for me a Dad does for his daughter including walking me down the aisle when I married DH.

When I was 21 my Mum passed away. My Dad was in bits and I had to step up and make all arrangements. My Mum didn't have a will so naturally everything passed to my Dad. They weren't well off but they had a house which they had bought and paid for equally and my Mums life insurance paid the small balance on the mortgage.

Since then I visited my Dad once a week and spoke to him in between. He came to the hospital when DS was born and from DS started school my Dad picked him up once a week and had him over for tea. DS spent weeks at a time staying with his Grandad during the school holidays, my Dad doing all the things with DS he had done with me as a child.

My beloved Dad passed away just over a week ago due to Covid, he was only in his early 60's.

Within 24hrs my Dads Brother (lets call him Uncle Knobhead) was on the phone demanding that I hand over my keys to my Dads house - making it clear that he was my Dads "Next of Kin" and I wasn't considered family. I refused and told him no one was getting keys until after the funeral, at which point whoever my Dad had named as Executor in his will would be sorting out any financial affairs.

Bearing in mind that legally speaking, Uncle Knobhead was right and had my Dad died intestate then him and my other Uncle (we'll call him Nice Uncle) would inherit everything. At this point I started to get slightly nervous about whether if there even was a will, where was it and could it "disappear" so I went to my Dads and looked for it. This was purely for safe keeping and I cried while I was doing it because I felt like a money grabbing witch! Looking for my Dads will the day after he died was absolute NOT a place I wanted to be.

Turns out my Dad has left EVERYTHING to his 2 nieces (Nice Uncles Daughters) and some to the lady my Dad has been in a relationship with (not living together though) for the last few years.

I am utterly utterly heartbroken. I cried for 48hrs straight.

I never wanted my Dads money or even his share of the house, but my Mum always wanted me to have her share. To leave me nothing just makes me feel like 37 years has been a lie, and that all this time I thought of him as my Dad, the love was never reciprocal and in his eyes, I clearly wasn't "his daughter".

I've sought legal advice and there is nothing I can do.

My Mum could have made a will leaving me her half of the house with provision that my Dad could live there until he passed, but she didn't. She naively thought (as I did) that he thought of me as his daughter.

At the moment, the Executors (Nice Uncle and Dads lady friend) don't know that I have the will, they may not even know the contents but I'd be surprised as the witnesses are neighbours of my Dads lady friend.

I've made all funeral arrangements, selected flowers, music, spoken to the Minister and contacted everyone I can think of that would want to know of my Dads passing.

I've taken family photos from the house along with papers and photographs belonging to my mum before she met my Dad.

Once the funeral is over this week I will be handing over the will and house keys and walking away. I have to for my own sanity.

So my plea.......

If you live in a blended family, for the love of god make a will setting out anything you want to leave to your children. No matter how much you love your spouse and believe they will "do the right thing" if you pass first, forget it. Because they might not.

and those you love could be left feeling as empty, unloved and utterly bereft as I do right now.

Nothing to say that can help but I’m so sorry for both your losses - death is easier to deal with than the loss of everything you thought you had in your relationship with your dad.

So sorry OP. I can't even imagine the pain of this.

Sorry for your loss.

Your issue here wasn’t a lack of a will but that you didn’t benefit.

The issue is a lack of Will from her mother. Her DM should have left her half the house or whatever, but now she gets nothing.
Sorry for your loss OP. It sounds really hard.

I disagree Triangle. It's the lack of ops mum having a will that has resulted in this.

Did step dad really get everything when your mum died? I thought (am not qualified in this area) that in those cases ie without a will £125k went to the spouse and the rest was split between the spouse and children?

@Triangle, OP means that her Mum could’ve left a will asking for her to receive a share after her Dad’s death- but her Mum didn’t do that.

OP, I’m so sorry. You’re behaving with real dignity here, although you must be utterly heartbroken

@AnneElliott that's is correct but the value of my Mums share of the house plus the small savings she had was below the threshold at the time, so everything automatically went to my Dad.

I've heard of this type of thing happening so many times.
The OP is right. Make a will, even if you currently have nothing to leave.
A solicitor will help you word it to cater for any changes to circumstances between will writing and dying.

So sorry op, that's heartbreaking .

I can only guess at the deep and abiding pain this will be causing you, @FrangipaniBlue. My heart hurts for you and your child. You’ve been betrayed.
I’m in a similar position to the OP on the other thread and want to make sure that any further inheritance I may get from my family goes to my children and not my DSD. Not because I don’t care for her, but because it’s up to her mum and dad to leave her their assets, not me to take from my children to leave her a share of mine.
Equally, however, I was very clear that I don’t want to be in a position where I could disinherit her (through inaction, rather than malice) as she doesn’t automatically get anything from me as she’s not my child. So my previous inheritance is now in our house, owned 50/50 with DH (even though he put nothing towards the large deposit) and DSD will inherit her share of that through my DH.
I hope we got the balance right. I don’t see her as my child in any way but I would never rest if she was left in the position OP has described. I don’t see how anyone could live with themselves after causing such hurt.

OP I am so sorry that your Dad didn't think of you in the way you thought he did. That's terribly sad for you

Posters are correct that's it's a lack of a will from my Mum really.

She always told me that she wanted what was hers to pass to me, my grandparents ate their (now also passed) were adamant she had told them she had a will leaving me her share. I didn't push it with my Dad because firstly I was only young and secondly I never really thought it mattered!

In the last week I've contacted every local firm of solicitors just to double and triple check that she didn't have one (they all advised it would legally still stand) but none have any record.

A letter thing they told me, which I didn't know, was that marriage supersedes a will. So if my Mum had made a will before she married my Dad it would now be invalid anyway, it had to have been made after.

We have done this and provided for the children from my first marriage and the children from our marriage. I’m sorry for your loss and about the will. Very mean of your dad, I’m sorry.

So sorry OP.
I really hope the will was made a long time ago, but I know you would have mentioned if this were the case.
I’ve no idea why someone who had played the role of father to you your entire life would then leave his estate to others.
Doesn’t matter to me how much it’s worth, it is the way it’s made you feel.
I hope it was some misguided sense of blood being thicker then water.
Not that it makes it ok.
I hope you find peace with his actions.
At the end of the day, you have your memories, you have your dignity and no one can take that from you.

Oh and at least knobhead uncle is no longer your problem.

Just seen your update about the fact you think your Mum may have had a will at some point but it never materialised.
As you got no luck with local solicitors, perhaps one last search is something like this:
www.nationalwillregister.co.uk/willsearch/willsearch.aspx

Maybe post on the legal pages, as someone who knows their stuff may have a better idea.

Having had a joint appointment to do our wills with DH this is the exact reason they actually rang me afterwards for a private chat to ensure that my family assets were protected in the event that I died first

In this day and age it's very remiss of people not to think about these things and blindly carry on thinking that their loved one is going to continue on being fair and reasonable after your death. They always are until they re marry and a new spouse is involved and then if they then die before the new spouse you really are screwed

OP that's so awful. So so painful.

I think your approach is right. Hand over the keys and don't look back.

Time to look forward.

I’m so sorry for your loss and for everything you are going through, you must be heartbroken and rightly so
When my dad passed we struggled to find his will, and then remembered he had written it through his work union and so it wasn’t a local solicitor, just wondering if your mum could have done something similar?

What an upsetting situation. I can't understand why your dad didn't leave your mum's share to you. Is there anything that can be done, legally?

I’m so sorry OP.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I never understand why so many parents would trust a step parent to provide for their children, no matter how close, you never know if they would actually honour an agreement. This must be absolutely heartbreaking for you.

I'm really really sorry, how incredibly painful for you. Massive hugs, for your loss of your 'dad' and this terribly hurtful discovery as well. Later, can I suggest counselling to help with this. You could choose to remember all the good memories with your stepdad and somehow see the will as separate to his love for you. I very much doubt he thought about how it would make you feel not his daughter and that wasn't his intention.

Thank you for posting this. I worry about all those innocent trusting parents who forget we can't see what our partners do after we are gone

I wonder if the lady your dad was seeing persuaded him that you didn’t need to be included for whatever reason...he obviously wrote the Will while she was in his life, perhaps she was jealous of your relationship together, simply because it seems so odd. I really feel for you. When my dad died and I had papers to sort out I found he’d routinely sent his step grandchildren more for Christmas and birthdays than he had sent his other grandchild and you wonder why not just be even handed about it, but perhaps he felt they needed it more and perhaps that’s how your dad felt. Are the nieces younger? Will it help them with housing perhaps. I’m so sorry op. You’ve been very dignified

This exact thing happened to my uncles. When my grandmother died very young, my grandfather remarried so as much for himself as so that his children would have a mother. He went on to have three children with his second wife (who are lovely). He was a well-to-do farmer with a lot of land. His sons grew up and worked the farm for him. As my grandfather grew old, his sons, naturally, did everything.

Eventually my grandfather died.

And guess what? You don't need to, do you?

He hadn't made a will. So everything went to his wife. Who sold the farm. Didn't want to give them a single penny (after all, she was a widow now with three girls under 20).

Eventually she was induced to sell them a few acres and the house (a FRACTION of the land they should have inherited) but the bitterness and sorrow - and poverty - it created for my two lovely uncles was felt for many many years. Naturally my mother got absolutely nothing beause she was a girl.

There was plenty of money and land - my grandfather could very easily have provided for his widow and all of his five children with his estate.

@FrangipaniBlue Are you sure you have looked through all of the paperwork that might include something from your mum? When was the current will written (i.e. after your mum died?) I wonder if the solicitors who drafted it would have knowledge of a prior one which might have included your mum's wishes? Legally, I guess this might not help. But - I would personally use something like this to have a discussion with your uncle's regarding the moral right to cut you out of a share, given the assets include those contributed by your mum.

I wish there was something I/we could think of. I am gutted for you.