If you're part of a "blended family" please make a will!!

[FrangipaniBlue]

I was thinking about starting this thread anyway but was prompted by another thread that I've commented on but didn't want to derail.

This is half to get things off my chest but half to plead to anyone in a blended family situation to please please think about will/estates planning so as not to leave your loved ones in the horrific situation that I'm in at the moment.

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible.

My Mum left my biological Dad shortly after I was born. He was a horrific man and I have the photographs of my Mum, clearly pregnant with me, sporting a black eye to support this.

I have never, and will never have anything to do with him.

When I was around 2 years old my Mum met, and shortly thereafter married, the man I call my Dad. That was 37 years ago, they never had any other children together and my Dad had no previous children/marriage.

I loved my Dad with all my heart. I never referred to him as my "Step Dad" because to me he wasn't. He brought me up, taught me to ride a bike, took me on holidays, tucked me in at night after reading me stories, went to every parents evening - he did everything for me a Dad does for his daughter including walking me down the aisle when I married DH.

When I was 21 my Mum passed away. My Dad was in bits and I had to step up and make all arrangements. My Mum didn't have a will so naturally everything passed to my Dad. They weren't well off but they had a house which they had bought and paid for equally and my Mums life insurance paid the small balance on the mortgage.

Since then I visited my Dad once a week and spoke to him in between. He came to the hospital when DS was born and from DS started school my Dad picked him up once a week and had him over for tea. DS spent weeks at a time staying with his Grandad during the school holidays, my Dad doing all the things with DS he had done with me as a child.

My beloved Dad passed away just over a week ago due to Covid, he was only in his early 60's.

Within 24hrs my Dads Brother (lets call him Uncle Knobhead) was on the phone demanding that I hand over my keys to my Dads house - making it clear that he was my Dads "Next of Kin" and I wasn't considered family. I refused and told him no one was getting keys until after the funeral, at which point whoever my Dad had named as Executor in his will would be sorting out any financial affairs.

Bearing in mind that legally speaking, Uncle Knobhead was right and had my Dad died intestate then him and my other Uncle (we'll call him Nice Uncle) would inherit everything. At this point I started to get slightly nervous about whether if there even was a will, where was it and could it "disappear" so I went to my Dads and looked for it. This was purely for safe keeping and I cried while I was doing it because I felt like a money grabbing witch! Looking for my Dads will the day after he died was absolute NOT a place I wanted to be.

Turns out my Dad has left EVERYTHING to his 2 nieces (Nice Uncles Daughters) and some to the lady my Dad has been in a relationship with (not living together though) for the last few years.

I am utterly utterly heartbroken. I cried for 48hrs straight.

I never wanted my Dads money or even his share of the house, but my Mum always wanted me to have her share. To leave me nothing just makes me feel like 37 years has been a lie, and that all this time I thought of him as my Dad, the love was never reciprocal and in his eyes, I clearly wasn't "his daughter".

I've sought legal advice and there is nothing I can do.

My Mum could have made a will leaving me her half of the house with provision that my Dad could live there until he passed, but she didn't. She naively thought (as I did) that he thought of me as his daughter.

At the moment, the Executors (Nice Uncle and Dads lady friend) don't know that I have the will, they may not even know the contents but I'd be surprised as the witnesses are neighbours of my Dads lady friend.

I've made all funeral arrangements, selected flowers, music, spoken to the Minister and contacted everyone I can think of that would want to know of my Dads passing.

I've taken family photos from the house along with papers and photographs belonging to my mum before she met my Dad.

Once the funeral is over this week I will be handing over the will and house keys and walking away. I have to for my own sanity.

So my plea.......

If you live in a blended family, for the love of god make a will setting out anything you want to leave to your children. No matter how much you love your spouse and believe they will "do the right thing" if you pass first, forget it. Because they might not.

and those you love could be left feeling as empty, unloved and utterly bereft as I do right now.

So sorry FrangipanBlue.

Your plea is on point.

I have two friends with parents in long-standing step-parent position, and both have been left without a bean after the bio parent died first. The step parent leaving everything to bio kids only.

I am married with 2 children. Very straightforward. But I know my husband is a admin nightmare, and making a will is not top of his priority list.

So when we did ours after the children were born (it took a while, as it's not exactly top priority of mine either), we didn't leave each other anything. Instead, it goes into a trust for the children with a lifetime interest for the surviving partner.

I was adamant we do it this way after a childhood friend of my brother saw his mother die, his father remarry, then his father die. His newish stepmother threw him out with nothing. There were no wills. He was 18.

I don't know who my husband might remarry if I die, and hopefully she wouldn't be an arsehole. But I do know him well enough to know he won't make a will quickly so I am taking no chances. I want my children looked after.

@peonypower I agree great idea!

I have a feeling that even if OPs mum had a will, it wouldn't have done what OP thinks, if the main asset was the house.

There are two types of ownership of a house - tenants in common and joint tenants.

With TinC each person has a defined percentage and can give/sell that % to someone else (including in a will) without affecting the other part-owner.

With joint tenants they both own the house together and when the first person dies the ownership automatically goes to the other person. I don't think the will can change this. I'm not a lawyer but my feeling is that this is the default type of ownership for married couples and has been for many many years - so in all likelihood this is what OP's mother and step-father had.

OPs mum could have asked step-dad to leave "her share" to OP, but even if he had agreed at the time, once the house is wholly his he is under no legal obligation to keep that promise.

To have been sure to look after her daughter, OP's mum and SD would have had to change the ownership of the house to TinC so that OPs mum could gift her half of the house separately.

So...as OP pleads, in a blended marriage you should make a will - but you also need to ensure that the assets are owned in the right way.

OP I am so very sorry to hear this has happened. you sound as though you are dealing with everything with great dignity and bearing.

I am no solicitor so wouldn't try to advise on next steps but I would suggest that the 'daughter of my late wife' might well be standard language so perhaps you can afford not to take that as the personal slight it might seem.

Also on your point that maybe your dad thought you were only after his money, from what you say I doubt this is the case. if he was only a healthy 50- something when he wrote the will and early 60s when he died, you would have been expected to put in a lot of years of close contact just for a share of his will and it doesn't sound like he would have any reasons to suspect this of you.

you mention his hoarding. could this have been a sign of greater mental vulnerability that you were aware of? not to accuse his lady friend when you haven't said a huge amount about her but it sounds like she had a lot to do with the making of his will, her neighbours witnessing it and all. any chance she was jealous of your relationship or was pushing for her own financial gains? if so, not sure what you could do with this possibility, just to be aware that there may be other reasons for this than him not caring about you as much as you thought.

'daughter of my late wife' might well be standard language

Sadly, it indicates that the will was (re-)written after OP's mother died so it has clearly been carefully considered.

@FrangipaniBlue sorry for your loss

It is so important for everyone to make a will. I’m currently discussing this with mil who divorced fil about 20 years ago but still owns half the family home. Mil has since remarried. The fact that if she passes her new dh will inherit half the family home makes my blood boil, and if he passes his four kids would inherit half 😡

@peonypower, that's a really good point that hadn't occurred to me. DH and I need to revisit our wills once we are out of lockdown due to a rethink regarding who we would nominate to care for the children if we both died. I will absolutely discuss this with the solicitor, thank you for pointing it out.

This is so sad. I’m so sorry