If you're part of a "blended family" please make a will!!

[FrangipaniBlue]

I was thinking about starting this thread anyway but was prompted by another thread that I've commented on but didn't want to derail.

This is half to get things off my chest but half to plead to anyone in a blended family situation to please please think about will/estates planning so as not to leave your loved ones in the horrific situation that I'm in at the moment.

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible.

My Mum left my biological Dad shortly after I was born. He was a horrific man and I have the photographs of my Mum, clearly pregnant with me, sporting a black eye to support this.

I have never, and will never have anything to do with him.

When I was around 2 years old my Mum met, and shortly thereafter married, the man I call my Dad. That was 37 years ago, they never had any other children together and my Dad had no previous children/marriage.

I loved my Dad with all my heart. I never referred to him as my "Step Dad" because to me he wasn't. He brought me up, taught me to ride a bike, took me on holidays, tucked me in at night after reading me stories, went to every parents evening - he did everything for me a Dad does for his daughter including walking me down the aisle when I married DH.

When I was 21 my Mum passed away. My Dad was in bits and I had to step up and make all arrangements. My Mum didn't have a will so naturally everything passed to my Dad. They weren't well off but they had a house which they had bought and paid for equally and my Mums life insurance paid the small balance on the mortgage.

Since then I visited my Dad once a week and spoke to him in between. He came to the hospital when DS was born and from DS started school my Dad picked him up once a week and had him over for tea. DS spent weeks at a time staying with his Grandad during the school holidays, my Dad doing all the things with DS he had done with me as a child.

My beloved Dad passed away just over a week ago due to Covid, he was only in his early 60's.

Within 24hrs my Dads Brother (lets call him Uncle Knobhead) was on the phone demanding that I hand over my keys to my Dads house - making it clear that he was my Dads "Next of Kin" and I wasn't considered family. I refused and told him no one was getting keys until after the funeral, at which point whoever my Dad had named as Executor in his will would be sorting out any financial affairs.

Bearing in mind that legally speaking, Uncle Knobhead was right and had my Dad died intestate then him and my other Uncle (we'll call him Nice Uncle) would inherit everything. At this point I started to get slightly nervous about whether if there even was a will, where was it and could it "disappear" so I went to my Dads and looked for it. This was purely for safe keeping and I cried while I was doing it because I felt like a money grabbing witch! Looking for my Dads will the day after he died was absolute NOT a place I wanted to be.

Turns out my Dad has left EVERYTHING to his 2 nieces (Nice Uncles Daughters) and some to the lady my Dad has been in a relationship with (not living together though) for the last few years.

I am utterly utterly heartbroken. I cried for 48hrs straight.

I never wanted my Dads money or even his share of the house, but my Mum always wanted me to have her share. To leave me nothing just makes me feel like 37 years has been a lie, and that all this time I thought of him as my Dad, the love was never reciprocal and in his eyes, I clearly wasn't "his daughter".

I've sought legal advice and there is nothing I can do.

My Mum could have made a will leaving me her half of the house with provision that my Dad could live there until he passed, but she didn't. She naively thought (as I did) that he thought of me as his daughter.

At the moment, the Executors (Nice Uncle and Dads lady friend) don't know that I have the will, they may not even know the contents but I'd be surprised as the witnesses are neighbours of my Dads lady friend.

I've made all funeral arrangements, selected flowers, music, spoken to the Minister and contacted everyone I can think of that would want to know of my Dads passing.

I've taken family photos from the house along with papers and photographs belonging to my mum before she met my Dad.

Once the funeral is over this week I will be handing over the will and house keys and walking away. I have to for my own sanity.

So my plea.......

If you live in a blended family, for the love of god make a will setting out anything you want to leave to your children. No matter how much you love your spouse and believe they will "do the right thing" if you pass first, forget it. Because they might not.

and those you love could be left feeling as empty, unloved and utterly bereft as I do right now.

So sorry OP.

Just wondering, could it be that your Dad didn’t leave you anything as he knew you were financially sorted? My mum did this with my ’half’ sibling whose other parent isn’t around and was always open about this in life. Could there have been some reason that your Dad felt this was appropriate?

Either way, sorry to hear you’re going through such a horrible situation and sorry for the loss of your Dad.

It’s heartbreaking. I couldn’t bring myself to go to the funeral (sounds bad I know). How dare your stepdad after you kept in touch after your mother passed! What raises an eyebrow is that he obviously never saw you as you saw him... I would let the other family members do the other arrangements tbh I wouldn’t even go!
I’m not usually bitter but it is shocking.

I would really struggle with these people inheriting your mums half.

I would have to write a letter to each person inheriting asking them to also remember that half the house belonged to your Mum and represented her lifetime of savings and hard work. Ask them to also think of it as a gift for from her and not just her husband. Explain you accept this is the way your step dad has arranged things, but you don’t want your mum’s legacy to be forgotten in all this.

So sorry op. What an awful situation.

Hopefully his nieces see the injustice. I could never profit from a situation like that.

Agree that wills are so important. A young man we knew died early (26/7) and his partner got nothing. His long lost 'mother' that chucked him out aged 16 walked away with the lot.

I saw the other thread. & I still don't believe as a married woman, you can parcel out your money as you please.

I couldn't see how the OP could cut out her SD without telling DH. But people were talking as if husband had no entitlement (of course he does) almost as if he didn't exist.

I suppose OP could do what she wants, if husband dies before her won't what he has, become hers as his wife? & If she goes first, then vice versa. It was made to sound as if it could all be done neatly with no possibility of challenge.

I wrote on there that when my ex's dad died,everything went to his new-ish wife of 2 years. I can't see what and who trumps the surviving spouse in a marriage.

I see what you mean. To be belt and braces yes your Mum should have left you some money. One problem is that there an inheritance tax exemption between spouses. So my DH and I have done the same. But my will leave something to my step DC.

Also he referred to you as the “daughter of his late wife” in his will so it’s clear and unambiguous. His solicitor will have used those words intentionally from a legal POV, it’s nothing personal.

Further, he won’t have transferred the house to you in his lifetime if its registered in his name. It would be virtually impossible on his death if he hadn’t already done it and has left his estate to his nieces.

Also the cash gift was intended to be such. You wouldn’t have sufficient grounds to contest the will if he hadn’t provided for you.

Sad thing is you can’t talk to either your Mum nor step Dad to understand. I insisted my DH got his will sorted so that my DSS would be provided for as he saw fit and on his death there would be no discretion for me. I wanted to be sure that this scenario can’t happen as it’s so difficult.

The rules in Scotland are different - if you fail to acknowledge your children in a will, or die intestate then they can claim some of your estate. It’s not a full share but a fraction.

@Rainsun1 I wasn’t commenting on the merit of the scenario.

@Allnamesaregone

You can in the UK. There is a small class of people that can contest the will and anyone who could reasonably be expected to be provided for can. If OP was financially dependent on her Dad she would be able to contest it, i.e if he was supporting her in some way until the time he died. But as a financially independent adult you don’t have grounds.

I couldn’t bring myself to go to the funeral (sounds bad I know).

DH doesn't want to, but he is to support me. I'm in a place at the moment where I don't want to do anything that makes me look like the "bitter greedy step daughter" but I absolutely do intend to make my feelings of hurt known and we shall see how they all respond!

One thing I am certain of - I'll be fucked if I let his ashes get interred with my Mum. I own the deeds to the plot so my permission is needed, it won't be given!!

I couldn't see how the OP could cut out her SD without telling DH. But people were talking as if husband had no entitlement (of course he does) almost as if he didn't exist.

It depends how the mortgage/deeds are set up. DH and I bought our house before we were married so made absolutely sure ours say "Tenants in Common" which means we each own our share individually. I can do whatever I like with mine. The law says I have to provide for DS as he is under 18 but aside from that, if DS was over 18 or didn't exist I could leave my half to whoever I chose. The only caveat is that I can't do it in such a way so as to deprive DH (I think) ie he'd be forced to sell up. I have to leave provision that he can stay here for example until he either dies or re-marries.

Wouldn’t apply in this case though Allnamesaregone. In Scotland as in England “step-child” is not a relationship with much legal status.

OP, I know exactly how you feel! ☹️

My mil did similar to my DH. Bulk of her estate was left to his sister who had hardly seen her mother for many years as she moved 200 miles away with her DH and very rarely visited. She finally moved mil close to her in her last couple of years - mil was almost 100 by then -and had the cheek to claim carers’ allowance. She also used to take petrol money from mil for visiting her once per week - 3 miles away from her. 😡. DH had done everything for mil and visited almost daily for over 30 years plus nursed fil through 2 years prior to his death.

Mil made new will when she moved near to SIL and similarly sil’s neighbours were witnesses. DH was devastated when will was read. Yes he was left a cash gift but nowhere near what had been left to SIL. The worst part is not being able to ask why? 😥. SIL is wealthier than us - although we too are also very comfortable - so nothing to do with her financial situation.

This all happened 15 years ago now. DH put the money he was left into a fixed, high interest account and has never touched it. He was so hurt that he wanted nothing to do with it. It is in his will that it will pass to our disabled dd - only child - upon his death. I have never been able to forgive either mil or SIL although I am still friendly with SIL on the surface. We did attend mil’s funeral in her new home town but we didn’t attend the wake. We left as soon as the service was over. I would be sorely tempted to do the same in your shoes. Why celebrate the life of someone who hurt you so very deeply?

Sorry OP. I fear this. I have also sought advice estate planning to ensure my children get the bulk of my estate should I die before their father (were he to remarry). He will probably die before me, in that scenario or should we separate I would really struggle to marry anyone because of the potential financial implications and my children being disinherited.

It is sad he would do this and not give you your mother's share of the estate. Definitely something to think about if you are in a blended family situation that your spouse may not carry out your wishes and there is little to no recourse for your children.

I'm sorry this has happened to you @FrangipaniBlue I do agree 100% please make a will if blended *but also if not.

This is my story and its very different from yours.

My parents split when I was 5 and my stepdad and mother moved in together very shortly after. They remained together unmarried (living in Denmark where I am from) for the next 37 years. My children call him for grandad.

My mother died suddenly and due to how things are set up in Denmark their joint account was frozen. So my stepdad could not access any money. His bank was hugely helpful and his job actually repaid his last set of wages (for him to repay once the account was unfrozen) however, due to my mother's death he could not access any money from their joint assets.

He collected me and my children from the airport and he is explaining all of this to me. After I had got past the shock that neither of them had a will (as my mother had been adamant that when she passed everything went to my stepdad) I asked

Wait a moment... will this mean if you die then your sister (who is lovely and I have a loving aunt/niece relationship with) and your niece (daughter of his other sister who has not shown any interest in any relationship with her mother's side of the family after her death 15 years ago - she did not even show for her maternal grandmothers funeral) will inherit everything?? Because I have no issue with aunt getting it. (love her to pieces and they have a close sister/brother bond) however, the niece.... The idea of her getting assets that had been my mothers... OHHH I did not like that.

My stepdad went very silent for a bit then he said... "No, because I am making a will now"

He has as a part of us sorting out my mother's estate he made a will. In it, he has left everything to her 3 children. me my sister and our brother. If my sister or I pass before him our share is left to our children. if our brother passes before stepdad does then his share is split between my sister and I. (so we would get half each)

He has left a small portion for his sister and her 2 children (not the niece) and his guns to his best friend or his son if best friend is no longer alive.. (he is an avid hunter as is his best friend)

The house still pretty much looks like it did when my mother was there. Fewer plants - he says they do not like him as much as they did my mum... (who had a very green thumb) Nothing is changed really he likes it the way it was when they were together. he is in his late 60's and will likely live many more years. However, when he does pass. we have to sort out the exact same estate once more as we had done when my mother passed. Would have been so much easier if she had left a will with her share of the house for him to have a lifetime interest in and then passed to us.

However, ultimately I am the lucky one as I have had 3 parents in my life and they all view us, 3 children, as " theirs" .

If your step father's brother and daughters aren't ashamed to receive everything in his will with nothing going to you, then they are not nice people.

so sorry OP, I know, this situation is bewildering and heart breaking.
I was in a similar situation 10 years ago when my dad passed away. He didn't have a will and everything was left to my Step Mother (who didn't like me.) For me the worst thing was that some "family items" that were passed down from his parents ended up with her and her children. She was spiteful enough not to give me anything as a keep sake. As a result I have nothing, but my own memories from my father's family.

DH and I have made a detailed will, to ensure SDS and our own DC are treated fairly and hopefully will not have a massive fall out over who gets what...

Absolutely disgusting behaviour from your dad(sd) I’m with you all the way

If his db had a ounce of guilt they’d include you in the split

Dp uncle died, they made a will when his wife was alive and he never changed it
Uncles wife wanted there money to go to her nephew.
The house was worth about £280 + any other monies
The nephew out of his own own back gave
Uncles only brother k ?
Each of brother children(3) 10k each

Dp dad died 5 yrs ago, he’d divorced and remarried. Was with his wife 30yrs
His will said
His savings then 37k was to be put into investment and any interest to be paid to his wife every year until she dies
His half off the house to be split between 3 kids, after her death

I live with my partner of 19 yrs, I haven’t yet but will be doing making a will
I’ll be putting
My ds will be getting my 50% of our house
Tenants in common and any money I have to go to ds.
I’ll be saying dp can stay in house till he dies or lives with ow.
Dp has no children, and I don’t think for a moment any of his money will go to my ds
As he looks at things differently than I do
He had no to start off with, so doesn’t think you should automatically inherit

Oh op this is horrible. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I would find it very hard not to be seeing new lady friend’s influence in his decision making here.

My poor SIL had a similarly distressing discovery when her DF died. He had split up with her DM when SIL was little, and then lived in France for the rest of his life. Despite this, SIL had a close relationship with him and visited him in France often. She was his only child.

In his seventies he met a considerably younger woman, who moved in with him pretty much immediately. They got married a few months later without inviting SIL, and shortly afterwards suddenly dropped dead of a heart attack.

He had made a new will, leaving his house and life’s savings to the new wife. She organised a quick, low key funeral, not even bothering to inform or invite his long term friends. SIL flew over and tried to help, but the new wife was frosty and did not welcome SIL asking for some mementoes from his personal effects, even though she’d bagged it all up to be dumped.

She told SIL to take the cat though, because she didn’t like it or want to be bothered with it. Poor cat had been locked in a shed so he couldn’t go in the house any more. SIL & DB couldn’t bring him home because of quarantine regulations (and they already have a pair of nervous rescue cats who would not have coped with a new addition), so they ended up driving a massive journey across France to find a shelter that would take him - there are very few cat rescues in France it turns out.

All in all a massive betrayal by SIL’s DF, presumably under the influence of the new bride. Heartbreaking. Having to find a home for his beloved cat was the icing on the cake.

As a pp said, it just goes to show you can never really know someone. I hope you can find a way to deal with all this op

feel for you OP, so sorry.

Op, I hope you get some comfort from getting your feelings out here.

Not only make a will but sit down with partner first and come to a decision about what you'd both like to happen and then see a solicitor who will chuck you all sorts of curve balls until you agree what's best for you all. I'm so sorry op, these sort of stories break my heart ♥

I’m so sorry for your situation.

I would strongly consider consulting a solicitor with a view to contesting this. You presumed when your mother died that her half would come to you eventually so did nothing and now found that this wasn’t the case. Even though you’re an adult, there is a strong case to be made on the grounds that this man raised you. I think if you were legally adopted this would help, but I take it you aren’t?
Do make sure you get all sentimental items out of the house that you want - like photos and any inherited family stuff from your mother’s side.

One of the saddest things I’ve heard...apart from my sons situation.
His dad and I split up after over 30 years of marriage on account of his affairs.
He remarried and shortly after got cancer and had to come back to the uk for treatment.
My son , partner and children were there every week.
Sometimes he went for a pint with his dad and on one of the visits his dad said, don’t worry, I’ve left you well provided for.
When he died..he’d left everything to his 2 nd wife
Maybe she was supposed to sort it for my son, I don’t know..but why, oh why did he not provide for him in his will.
He was no idiot, well switched on and a businessman
He died holding my sons hand.

I was so gutted for him
What a horrible thing to do and leaves all memories of him, tainted.
The sad thing is, he never even left him a letter..he would’ve been happy with that.
So, when I pass. Everything is well sorted. My children get the houses and my husband gets to live in which ever one he wants till his death.
Plus they all get money.

@Dowser my Dad was a hoarder and a couple of times I offered to help him have a clear out. He used to say things like "oh no I'm not bothered, I'll leave it to you to sort out when I'm not here". Why on earth say things like that knowing full well it WOULDN'T be for me to sort????

I don't think I will ever be able to reconcile the things he said/way he behaved with what he's done in his will. I guess it's true what they say that actions speak louder than words!