Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Actually, I really do mind mothers of adult children being portrayed as complete idiots

143 replies

springydaff · 13/04/2020 21:19

So many threads that portray mothers of adult children as needing discipline to behave, as though they are complete moronic idiots.

OP posts:
MissHoskins · 13/04/2020 23:13

Im not appealing to any crowd at all. I haven't castigated you. With your response I wish I hadn't posted my previous response.

UhKevin · 13/04/2020 23:14

Why do we castigate mothers when we are mothers ourselves?

Because we’re not all one and the same, and having children doesn’t buy you a pass for all sorts?

As has been said repeatedly already?

You’re getting more and more oddly wound up, OP. Go to bed.

littleeasterbonnet · 13/04/2020 23:15

The VAST majority have no need to post, do they?

The small minority who do... well they have good reason.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
MissHoskins · 13/04/2020 23:16

@springydaff
I wish I hadn't fucking opened this thread. Or bothered to share anything about my life.

Original poster
springydaff · 13/04/2020 23:18

My mother could be judged BIG time She got a LOT wrong. (I have the therapy bills to prove it).

I know she was doing her best. With what she had.

Most, the overwhelming majority, fo their best, with what they have. That includes us!

Do we really think we've reinvented the wheel, that we've got it all right? I doubt it.

We're probably fucking up our kids in the way we were fucked up. As uncomfortable that is to face!

We just hope it comes out in the wash. That we did our best, and meant the very best.

As our mother's did. And do.

OP posts:
janetmendoza · 13/04/2020 23:20

Yup l agree with you in part o.p. My mum was not super, but her mum was worse and her mum's mum was terrible by all accounts. As a child I hated my mum and in that sexist way of young girls I thought my Dad was much better- tho in truth he opted out of all the difficult bits of parenting. Now in my 50s I think my Mum did her very best with the skills she had, and there was no realistic hope of her doing any better. I get on better with her now than I ever have before. I have loved my own DS with a passion and would cheerfully have died for him. Still would of course! Aged 15 he despised me. Now at 25 he can somewhat tolerate me and in 10 years time he may well respect me if he has children of his own and sees how bloody difficult it is. Of course some parents are abusive rubbish. DS's own birth mother was properly abusive- there is no disputing it. But even still she did the best she could with the very inadequate hand she had been dealt. Most people, even the worst of us are more incompetent than malicious. I also hate the way that mothers and Mils are judged more harshly than males. I judged my Mum for smacking me or yelling etc and for not being 'nice' to me, but left to the mercies of friendly dads benign neglect, I would be unsmacked but probably dead!

MissHoskins · 13/04/2020 23:20

@springydaff
Go well

Original poster
springydaff · 13/04/2020 23:25

Miss Flowers

OP posts:
saraclara · 13/04/2020 23:32

I agree with you OP. I posted recently on a could of threads where pages were talking about telling their mothers off, in a way that totally infantilised them. And no, the posts were not about horrible abusive parents. They are about making parents do as they are told 'or else'. (they weren't reckless covid rule breakers either). I wish I could remember the threads so I could quote them.

The reason many posters on this thread are saying it doesn't happen is because they're not of that demographic, so those posts don't stand out to them. And all the PPs who've said that if their DDs and DSes grow up and criticise them they'll take it on the chin, are absolutely deluding themselves!

Dinosforall · 13/04/2020 23:33

I don't post about my DM because she was/is a loving parent and a decent human being, obviously with imperfections like anyone else.

She also, and completely separately, doesn't wander the neighbourhood during a pandemic when specifically instructed not to, but then this isn't related to her parenting.

saraclara · 13/04/2020 23:33

Ugh
Could= couple
Pages= posters

OhCaptain · 13/04/2020 23:46

It comes to something when mothers judge mothers. Wtf??

Wtf indeed.

I must have missed the memo that said we cannot criticise someone else because she birthed a human, too.

@springydaff you keep going on and on and ON about people thinking they’re perfect. Not one person has said she thinks she’s perfect.

Sit down now before I tell you this, because it’ll be a shock:

There’s a whole spectrum between perfect and horrific. A whole spectrum.

And you can call a nasty cow a nasty cow, as some mothers are, without being perfect.

Do you get that?

My guess is you’ve been horrendous to your own children and they haven’t let you away with it.

Original poster
springydaff · 13/04/2020 23:53

I certainly do get that, Captain. I don't think you appreciate how much I get that.

OP posts:
GlummyMcGlummerson · 13/04/2020 23:53

As mothers, do we think we are perfect?

No. Why do you keep saying that? No one has claimed to be perfect.

Also - not all mothers did their best!!!! Mine didn't. She did what was easy, and what was easy happened to be shit for me.

You're clearly projecting OP, who have you pissed off - your daughter or DIL?

OhCaptain · 13/04/2020 23:58

I certainly do get that, Captain. I don't think you appreciate how much I get that.

Eh? Confused

Original poster
springydaff · 14/04/2020 00:00

The judgement is clear, Glummy, that contemporary mothers genuinely think they're not doing the same, or similar, shit to their kids. Have you not noticed?

There's nothing new under the sun. We think we're doing such a perfect job - else why would we judge our mother's so harshly?

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 14/04/2020 00:05

There you go again with that word perfect.

I’ve never seen anyone on here describe herself as the perfect mother. Not ever.

And what’s a contemporary mother anyway?

I’m pretty sure that the victims of maternal abuse on this thread and elsewhere know they’re not doing the same to their children, and actually it’s pretty nasty of you to keep insisting that they are.

So what exactly is your problem? You’ve been asked a few times.

Aderyn19 · 14/04/2020 00:07

There are an awful lot of threads where Dil feel they can dictate how their mil behaves, as if mil is some kind of naughty child or had no right to her own relationship with the ds or grandchildren.
Now some mil are awful, but then again, so are some dil! I think we do owe our parents respect, if they were decent people, who did their best. That's different to those parents who were abusive or just generally awful. If you grew up and turned out basically okay, that is a reflection on your parents, so being respectful isn't a huge ask.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 14/04/2020 00:07

Actually I think the world has moved on and we know now how the parenting methods used when we were young were actually very damaging. Such as smacking - I don't know a single person who does (or would admit to doing) this now. Because we know better. We have better safeguarding policies in place and don't turn a blind eye when we suspect abuse. In short, The world doesn't treat kids like shit like it used to.

So I think it's fair to say no, we are not doing similar shit than what our mothers did to us. Doesn't mean that, in 20 years time, some new report won't come out to say the methods we did use fucked them up. And it doesn't mean a lot of our mothers didn't do their best at the time - they didn't know better in a lot of cases re smacking, smoking etc.

However for a number of people they genuinely did (and still do) experience parental abuse, neglect, blackmail, etc. And it doesn't stop when you turn 18 and it's not as easy to cut contact. Sometimes it take an abusive person (or even just a person who think because they birthed you they can still control you) to be infantilised before they get the message.

Look you've clearly pissed one child off, not sure why you're blaming MN of all places if you've cocked up

GlummyMcGlummerson · 14/04/2020 00:08

And in my case if, heaven forbid, I met a man and he abused my DD, I wouldn't be shocked at first then sweep it under the carpet and try to force them to have a father/daughter relationship. Like my mother did to me

But then again that's probably just me clearly thinking I'm perfect Hmm

Original poster
springydaff · 14/04/2020 00:12

Eh? confused

Because I've deakt with an 'imperfect' mother.

She got SO much wrong. But she meant well and was doing her best with what she knew.

SO imperfect. But she loved me, despite her faults.

Don't we all hope or children will come to that conclusion?

Will glide over our faults?

Who genuinely thinks our parenting is without faults?

OP posts:
GlummyMcGlummerson · 14/04/2020 00:16

Who genuinely thinks our parenting is without faults?

NO ONE!!!!

YOU HAVE MADE THIS UO THAT WE THINK THIS!

Why are you ignoring posters OP?

Don't we all hope or children will come to that conclusion?

Well we can increase the chances by not fucking it up and abusing them.

In the meantime let victims of abuse have their piece without moaning about how they think they're perfect.

Qgardens · 14/04/2020 00:18

Respect has to be earned, even your children's respect for you.

It's not a God given right just because they have birth to you.

Original poster
springydaff · 14/04/2020 00:25

Look, I've been the victim of parental abuse, OK.

Let's not get black and white about this.

I do know what parental abuse looks like.

It wasn't severe with me. It was common or garden abuse, I suppose, common for that time. . But it did merit years of therapy. I get it.

I get it. I really do get it. Thankfully it wasn't the heinous abuse. I get that. I thank God it wasn't in that territory - and my heart goes out to whom it was.

I still say it was because of the inadequacies of the time. Just as we have inadequacies in our time! Not the obvious stuff, because we're too educated now. Do we judge those who weren't as educated then?

I think we do. And that's not fair.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 14/04/2020 00:28

Who genuinely thinks our parenting is without faults?

Literally no one. You need to sober up.

And if your dc have cut you off that is not because mothers on MN think they’re perfect. Hmm