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Original poster

Actually, I really do mind mothers of adult children being portrayed as complete idiots

143 replies

springydaff · 13/04/2020 21:19

So many threads that portray mothers of adult children as needing discipline to behave, as though they are complete moronic idiots.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 13/04/2020 22:26

I don't know why a thread about lockdown has infuriated you so much I dont think anybody on that thread were anything except concerned and worried the ops mother was flouting the lockdown rules

Monsterjam · 13/04/2020 22:27

But making mistakes ourselves is not a reason to not hold others to account for theirs

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/04/2020 22:27

My parents have obeyed the letter of lockdown because dad has COPD and mum has asthma. Almost everyone they know is doing the same. However my sons neighbour isnt and its driving his (the neighnours) DD insane because they think its fine to have friends over and not bother with distancing etc.

So for everyone who isnt there are 500 who are, but that isnt really going to get anyone on here to talk about it is it?

"AIBU to be happy that my parents are doing lockdown properly?" .... hard thread worthy

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Families
CinderellasSecrets · 13/04/2020 22:28

Well when my children are adults I will hope that I've not gone so far wrong that they feel that way about me, as it is I will continue to treat them with respect and allow them to be their own person rather than an extension of myself. Children don't tend to grow up to hate their parents without good reason.

Original poster
springydaff · 13/04/2020 22:31

Yes I do recognise that as a possibility, titchy. Absolutely!

The vast majority did their best. Some, a small minority, were genuinely abusive and deserve to face the consequences, absolutely.

But for the vast majority who did their best, with the information available at the time (unlike now, where the info is top notch psychology), they do not deserve to be castigated. Or treated like complete idiots.

I mind it, a lot.

OP posts:
littleeasterbonnet · 13/04/2020 22:33

Some people have awful parents. They are the ones who tend to start threads about them.

The vast majority wouldn't have the need to ask advice on here, because they don't have a problem with their parents, or other relative.

puds11 · 13/04/2020 22:36

This reply has been deleted

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Mrsjayy · 13/04/2020 22:36

I am not really understanding you springydaffs

titchy · 13/04/2020 22:38

Yes I do recognise that as a possibility, titchy. Absolutely!

So why do you object to them posting on MN? Confused

OhCaptain · 13/04/2020 22:39

Else why would you judge your parenting so viciously?

Are you being dared to use the word vicious as much as possible or something?

You’ve started a TAAT and you’re obviously extremely triggered yet you won’t actually explain anything.

I mind it. A lot.

Why? Why do you care how strangers treat other strangers?

givemeacall · 13/04/2020 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissHoskins · 13/04/2020 22:41

I have no contact with my mother at all, she's 88, I'll probably never see her again, I'm neutral about her now. I've grieved for the parent that she couldn't be.
I understand why she behaved the way she did, much too long and complicated to explain here. I suppose that I forgive her, they say with understanding comes forgiveness. I realised this in a conversation with my 42 year old son, I was trying to explain to him why she behaves the way she does, all about her childhood and not being a boy. I wasn't telling terrible things she's done. I was just trying to shed some perspective on her behaviour.
He has a good relationship with her, he's mentally much stronger than I am. He also has a mother that realises how having a toxic parent can have a lifelong affect on a person. That's me btw.
He's a great person and has a fantastic wife and two small boys, I feel privileged to be part of their family. I love my DIL, she's an amazing person, a fantastic DIL and a brilliant mother.
I understand what you're trying to say op and yes, there are quite a few threads where the op is ranting about a parent or a MIL.they seem to forget that their parents were once in the same boat, winging it like we all were then. There wasn't as much help for parents as there is now.
Do you feel as though you and others are being judged by today's standards?
Sorry... far too long

pallasathena · 13/04/2020 22:41

People are people and you get the good, the bad and the bloody awful wherever you go.
You get brilliant mothers and fabulous adult kids and there's neither rhyme nor reason as to the luck of the draw. It has nothing to do with income, education, social mobility or political persuasion.
Some people are absolute dreams.
Some people are total nightmares
Equally, you can get awful, clueless mothers and nasty, horrible adult kids that could and very likely would, make you weep tears of utter despair.
Promoting the myth of The Perfect Mother and fetishising (for that's what it is) the idolisation; the 'can't do anything wrong', narrative of the child/adult child really isn't healthy.
We are human. We are not gods. And neither are they.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 13/04/2020 22:49

How would you'd feel if your kids grew up to treat you like this?

If I was behaving like a nobhead, like some of the MILs of OPs do on MN, I'd fully expect them to call me out on it.

Raising the kids you chose to have doesn't make you eternally immune from criticism

GlummyMcGlummerson · 13/04/2020 22:53

Have some respect for your mothers, what they did for you

Well what my mother did was find out that my stepfather was sexually abusing me, and stayed with him, and gaslighted me into thinking it never happened.

So no, I won't respect her just because she successfully got impregnated and have birth. So, off you fuck please

PickAChew · 13/04/2020 22:53

Bringing up children doesn't buy you a pass to be a twat towards them when they are adults.

Original poster
springydaff · 13/04/2020 22:57

I do think there is a crucial, very crucial clash between nobheads and people doing their best. 8 really do.

Nobheads are in the (vast) minority. The VAST majority were doing their best with what they knew at the time. Which wasn't much tbf.

Dear god, most were doing their best. I wish contemporary mums/daughters could see that.

It comes to something when mothers judge mothers. Wtf??

OP posts:
MissHoskins · 13/04/2020 22:58

@PickAChew
I that Springydaff is looking from the other side of the picture. I think she's talking about adults being twats to their parents.

AnneOfTeenFables · 13/04/2020 22:59

Actually I've thought the same on quite a few threads lately. There's a false narrative of coping with rubbish/toxic parents by being mean to them. But I don't think that is coping or acknowledging the problems.
I don't think people who have processed difficult childhoods are so enmeshed in point scoring. And I do think that when you have processed a difficult childhood in a healthy way, you either cut the parent off or move to understanding their pressures (without excusing the behaviour). It seems to me that there are a lot of posters lately who haven't dealt with their trauma but think they have and recommend unhealthy reactive mechanisms rather than positive ones.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 13/04/2020 22:59

Why can't mothers judge mothers? Seriously, give a good reason?

I agree that most mothers try their best - but some fuck it up, but we're not allowed to talk about those in case it upsets the ones who didn't fuck up, is that what you're saying?

Also I don't know why you keep telling us we're not perfect - did anybody claim to be OP?

MintyMabel · 13/04/2020 22:59

How would you'd feel if your kids grew up to treat you like this?

Like they had experience childhood as something to be endured rather than enjoyed. If mothers of adults are doing something to upset their children, they probably weren’t decent mothers to begin with.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 13/04/2020 23:01

@AnneOfTeenFables you are spot on - I am LC with my mother, for a while I went through a phase of being cold, snappy, ignoring her - it only made my trauma worse. To say a clear "I won't be in your life anymore for these reasons" was a daunting but carthatic experience

Original poster
springydaff · 13/04/2020 23:05

Why would you talk about me in the third person, Miss? As if I'm not not here? Are you appealing to the crowd?

I am here. I am a mother and a daughter.

Why do we castigate mothers when we are mothers ourselves?

As mothers, do we think we are perfect?

OP posts:
MissHoskins · 13/04/2020 23:09

Because I was responding to a particular poster.

ContessaferJones · 13/04/2020 23:09

I judge my (dead) mother for all the nasty shit she did when I was young and vulnerable. I judge the hell out of her, and it's only slightly offset by the knowledge that she was a bit fucked in the head herself by her own upbringing.

I have no doubt that my own DC will berate me for being shit too, hopefully in different ways to how my mother was shit to me (difference will imply I've managed to make progress). My DC will be correct on some things and unfair about others, and I've pledged to give them the benefit of the doubt and seriously consider each accusation before dismissing it.

Just being someone's mother doesn't automatically make a person worthy of respect or love - we start out with a default amount of both, but actions will strongly influence whether the levels fall or rise over time.