Actually, I really do mind mothers of adult children being portrayed as complete idiots

[springydaff]

So many threads that portray mothers of adult children as needing discipline to behave, as though they are complete moronic idiots.

Still don’t get why you’re so worked up. Plenty of shit mothers out there (mine is one of them) plenty of great mothers out there. If you fall into the ‘shit’ category then do something about it.

My mother has been "cut out" because she didn't "behave".

The police agreed with me, luckily, that her behaviour wasn't acceptable, otherwise things would have been even more horrific than they actually were.

Do you think adult children shouldn't feel able to end relationships with people who abuse them?

@springydaff why don’t you start by telling us what’s going on? What’s happened between you and your DC?

Sometimes their ‘best’ was woefully inadequate. I see no value in pretending otherwise.

@springydaff what are you talking about?

The quote you’ve taken is about someone exasperated with their mum because she won’t follow the rules of lockdown.

Are you also breaking the lockdown rules?

People are allowed to call you out on your shit you know.

Start a thread about your issues and don’t weirdly quote someone else’s to illustrate your odd thread.

Some people simply survive their childhoods and their mothers. Being able to reproduce doesn’t make you a good person or a decent parent.

Your responses, so far!, illustrate what I mean.

Yes some mothers have been shit. Mine included tbh. Not they werent doing the best they could with what they had. Including my mum. She really did love me but was clouded by so much shit.

Have some respect for your mothers, what they did for you.

SO much vicious judgement. Do you think you're getting it all right? I very much doubt it. You're doing your best. Which is what most of our mothers did - and probably made fundamental errors. Unwittingly.

Such vicious judgement.

How will you feel when your children do the same to you? Access you on your parenting! There is not a one who will have done a perfect job.

*assess

Are you drunk?

Nobody has been viscous and no, not all mothers do their best or try their hardest or deserve love and respect.

Access you? Eh?
If my kids decide I make their life so unutterably shit that they can’t stand to be in contact with me?
That’s on me.
I love my kids. I won’t seek to control them as adults or judge them or shower them with my worries or issues.
So I doubt I will have a problem.

I think you're taking it a bit personally OP.

Are you popping to the shops 5 times a day and are your kids telling you off springydaffs?

I think what the OP is saying is that once you are a parent you should be respected and spoken to as the parent by your child. Even if they are an adult. That you should take a forgiving view of their parenting focusing predominantly on all the sacrifices they made. I think thats what is being said but not sure.

The Devil will be going to work in a snowplough before I have 'respect' for my mother.

She put her marriage to my cheating father ahead of her 3 children - children he hadn't wanted in the first place, but was stupid enough to have unprotected sex with a catholic woman who refused to use contraception.

He ended up leaving her for OW anyway when I was 21.

I don't have any respect for a woman who saw nothing wrong in referring to myself and my brothers as 'mistakes' - not only to us directly, but to others as well. A woman who still thinks - and says - that if she hadn't had children, my father wouldn't have left her and her life wouldn't be 'ruined'.

And my children won't do it to me as I've been sensible enough not to have any.

People are fucking dying and some mothers are wandering about popping here there and everyehere and their "adult" children are concerned and worried for them.

@springydaff my mother may have tried her best but that doesn’t excuse the emotional abuse she put her children through, so yes I do judge her and judge her harshly. I will no longer allow myself to be treated by her in that way so if she tries it then yes she will be told in no uncertain terms to fuck off until she can moderate her behaviour. Her being by mother gives her no rights or privileges to be excused mean / poor behaviour

Have your adult children cut you out of their lives @springydaff

Ah, it's a touched a nerve thread.

Some parents are shit.

Some parents didn't do their best.

Some parents probably shouldn't have children.

Actually I firmly accept I will answer to my children one day, just as my DP had to face the consequences of their treatment of me when I became an adult.

Firstly you say everything you need to say about yourself by harping on repeatedly about all your sacrifices.

See heres the thing, your DC didn't ask to be born, nor did mine, I chose to have them. They owe me nothing for any sacrifices I made because I chose to have DC. That's it that's the end of it and that's how rational adults behave. I dont ever want my children to recognise any sacrifices I made or will make because that's my choice to make them.

I am a grown woman who takes responsibility for my life. I do not expect my DC to bow down at the alter of parenthood. I've got a hell of a lot wrong and if they ask me to one day I will take responsibility for it and explain myself. When my DC are adults I hope I will be mature enough to treat them as such.

There will also be things I have got right , but ultimately I see my role as a mother is to raise DC who can function relatively healthy and choose how they live their life. They owe me nothing for that. I would hope their love is freely given as adults not based on a reciprocal relationship because that's not parenthood that's a business contract.

People are entitled to write about their situations, and give their opinions about their mothers. There’s no obligation to slag them off but a thread entitled ‘AIBU My mother’s absolutely fabulous’ isn’t likely to draw a crowd.

Vicious, as I said.

Do you honestly, honestly, think you're doing a PERFECT job with your parenting?

You're doing your best. Probably your very very best.

All the best to you when your kids castigate you for your failures.

But you probably don't think that will happen to you because you're PERFECT. The perfect parent.

Else why would you judge your parenting so viciously?

People rarely cut their mother’s out of their lives because they didn’t coordinate their outfits well enough.
Perfect? No. Really not.
But if a relationship with me damages my kids then why would they put themselves through that?
What have you done OP?

OP do you acknowledge that actually, some parents are utterly utterly shit, and did not do their best? Why should their offspring be beholden to them just because they gave birth to them?

Perhaps all the posts you read are genuinely justified as the offspring of neglectful parents who did not do their best at all.

Do you recognise that as a possibility?

I'm a mother and a daughter, Shiny. Perhaps it's age that brings a reconciliation, that accepts my mother's faults.

She got SO MUCH wrong. But she loved me and did her best. Her very best, actually. Even though it was woefully inadequate in crucial ways.

I hope I don't (viciously) judge her and treat her like a complete idiot. As if I've got it all right!