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Original poster

Husband googling painless methods of suicide

89 replies

owl89 · 12/04/2020 22:50

Found this search on husbands phone about an hour ago and I feel sick and don't know what to do. I confronted him and he broke down crying. I broke down crying. We have 2 young children. I'm so mad at him. I'm devastated. I know I should feel empathy but I'm just so fucking mad. I told him to phone samaritans and he's on the phone to them now. I'm sitting upstairs thinking what the fuck do I do now.

OP posts:

user1471565182 · 12/04/2020 22:55

You have to talk to him

LouiseTrees · 12/04/2020 22:55

You do not be mad at him. You try and hide it and show being sad rather than mad. Because if you show mad he might think he’s wrecked your relationship. Is it money worries that you think has driven him to google that?

Original poster

owl89 · 12/04/2020 22:57

No it's not money worries. He said he's felt like this for 8 months, like he's worthless and brings nothing positive to the relationship. He said I snapped at him last night because he accidentally woke the baby up putting laundry away and that's when he googled it. It's my fault.

OP posts:

HamsterHolder · 12/04/2020 22:58

Dont be angry just listen if he wants to talk. You dont need to have suggestions/fixes. What ever happens tonight get an appointment with your go asap as they can access lots of pathways. Discourage alcohol. Hugs. Cry together. If you feel he has a credible plan for suicide and would act on it tonight call 999. If he has medications that are particularly dangerous if overdosed on can they be not obviously that you're doing it hidden? Betablockers/antidepressants can be particularly serious. You and he are not alone in this lots of people consider or think about suicide at low points but actually never have an intention in carrying it out.

PanicAtTheDiscLo · 12/04/2020 23:02

Breathe and regroup
Talk to someone if you need to. But don’t be mad. He’s said he feels this way because you’re mad.

It’ll be ok. He’s getting help now. ❤️

pinkoneblueone · 12/04/2020 23:04

Please have a chat with him my husband has been this low it goes so much deeper than you know. This is serious he is suffering I think you need to talk more on both sides to help him get through this. Also please get him to talk to someone outside of
Home like Samaritans

LouiseTrees · 12/04/2020 23:06

You have to tell him what he brings to the relationship then. Being a guy who actually has anything to do with laundry seems better than a lot of men on here. He may feel like it’s you and the baby and you get on fine or better without him but in reality that’s not the case. Make it clear what contribution he has from the tiny things right up to the big concepts.

Craftycorvid · 12/04/2020 23:07

Really good advice, Hamster. Talk to him, OP. Talking about how he’s feeling won’t make him more likely to act. Are there times he feels better/worse? Anything that’s a positive distraction? Encourage him to talk to you/Samaritans if he starts feeling worse. And it’s NOT your fault he feels like this.

PurpleDaisies · 12/04/2020 23:10

He needs to talk to his GP. They will be able to give him a phone appointment. If he’s felt like this for eight months, this isn’t because of one argument. It isn’t your fault.

Please try not to be a angry with him. He’s not well at the moment and needs some help. Try and focus on that.

PermanentTemporary · 12/04/2020 23:10

Help him contact his GP. He won't always feel like this, it will get better if he gets help. Don't take no for an answer.

My husband took his own life two years ago. Take it seriously, don't be fobbed off, but never for a minute think that his emotions and his actions are your responsibility or your fault.

Mummoomoocow · 12/04/2020 23:10

Suicidal ideation is the crisis point in calling out for immediate relief from pain. He needs help and he's unsuccessfully asked for it

He needs you right now to help him access the right help. Samaritans are there for talking to when you're at the verge, they will not help him feel better long term, you need to get him professional help if he's unable or unwilling to do so himself. He needs a gp appointment and he needs to admit to suicidal thoughts, they will take him seriously although he will likely fight this. Mental health crisis' is an irrational place so don't expect him to make good decisions

Get over your initial reaction ASAP for the best outcome here.

Hannah021 · 12/04/2020 23:10

I'm sorry, it must feel difficult for u to be walking on egg shells worried about upsetting him and him doing something to himself.

Try to calm down and have a meaningful convetsation about the 8 months. What had been happening?

Maybe both of you should go counselling together and work through this... He needs help, you sitting upstairs made at him when he's already feeling worthless is not helping the situation

Hannah021 · 12/04/2020 23:12

Mad*

Shadowdoor21 · 12/04/2020 23:14

It obviously is not your fault. Is he normally an emotionally manipulative bastard? Are you sure he wasnt googling it because he wanted you to come across it? Sorry but it just seems a bit odd that you haven't noticed something was up if he has really been feeling this way for 8 months.

Notredamn · 12/04/2020 23:15

It's not your fault. You snapping at him isn't the reason he googled it. Don't let him have you thinking that.

CurtainWitcher · 12/04/2020 23:17

The poor man is overwhelmed with sadness and your first reaction is anger?! That is NOT going to help him overcome his feelings of worthlessness.

Poor, poor man. Buck up, OP.

LouiseTrees · 12/04/2020 23:18

People are now starting to say he’s emotionally manipulative. If he’s not showing signs of that elsewhere then please remember he more than likely has a mental illness. Even the seemingly cheery can suddenly be hit by bouts of depression or anxiety, it’s how we cope with it that differs.

Holdingmybreath · 12/04/2020 23:19

If he's looking up ways to do it rather than just thinking about it then you need to act.
If you feel he is safe and until the morning then you can call your GP(they are all working through the bank holiday).
And it is not your fault.
He has a problem,he is working out how to do it,that is the seriously worrying part and you need outside help not just chatting it through.
Try keeping it calm and safe tonight,talking to the Samaritans is a start at him accepting he needs help.In the morning see if he will agree to you calling the GP.If he doesn't you can call yourself for advice.
I've been there with no one taking me seriously and standing in the GP reception saying very loudly and clearly that if no one would talk to me there would be happy be more dead patient on there books.

WitchenKitch · 12/04/2020 23:20

Hi, I've been through this. My husband made an attempt that I had to rescue him from. Physically drag him away.

DON'T squash your feelings, be angry if you are angry - but get on the phone as soon as you can and vent that anger to someone else, you can't vent it on him, and he's not in a place to really respond to you, or even understand.

You need all the help you can get, assemble a team. Your family doctor, your family, his family, trusted friends. Tell people that you have strong connections to what is going on and ask for help. Get his friends to call him to talk. (Men are usually bad at initiating this, but they love it). This is a HUGE burden, don't even think of trying to carry this alone.

Everyone else is going to give you all the advice about his care and feeding, how to gently handle his emotions, and of course you are going to try your hardest to help him. He can't help himself, etcetera. But there is very little advice or support out there for how to deal with your anger, dismay, sadness, loneliness, heartbreak, and sense of betrayal.

If you'd said "my husband wants to walk out on me and the kids and never see us again" you'd get more sympathy, and that's wrong.

You have all my sympathy, and you can both get through this, and out the other side - we have, and are happier than ever now, but it was a hard road and I have had to do a lot of forgiving.

Isadora2007 · 12/04/2020 23:21

www.nhs.uk/conditions/suicide/

FlaskMaster · 12/04/2020 23:23

He needs to get some antidepressants from the GP asap. You should be able to get a telephone appointment. I have depression and little things like the incident you mention do set of thoughts about how it would be better if I wasn't here, which when I'm better and on appropriate doses of medication I can see is a total overreaction and not true at all, but in those moments, the feeling overwhelms your logical thoughts. He's I'll, depression is a mental illness. Encourage him to get some medication asap and reassure him that your kids needs him around.

user1471565182 · 12/04/2020 23:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hannah021 · 12/04/2020 23:25

@Shadowdoor21 the fuck is wrong with you???? Manipulative what?? Thats not the first question u ask an OP dealing with someone at risk...
god mn is infested with idiots trying to be smart... Not the time sherlock skills

Shadowdoor21 · 12/04/2020 23:28

He told her/made out it was her fault for shouting at him. Sounds pretty damn manipulative to me. Not to say he was in his right mind when he said it but it should be considered.

WitchenKitch · 12/04/2020 23:29

Practical advice - go with him to every appointment and write notes about what was said. Keep notes before the appointment too, how he's behaving, questions to ask. My husband was in such a deep fog that he couldn't remember what the doctor had said half an hour later, he couldn't make eye contact, let alone take in advice.

If you're worried about him trying anything right now, before you can get him to a doctor, send him to bed. He can curl up and sleep. Take control, if he moans about things he "must do" tell him NO. If he's working, phone in sick for him.

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