Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Need don't perspective - bf has massively lied to me.

127 replies

LiesToAFool · 10/04/2020 23:17

Around 18m ago I met someone. I wasn't looking for a relationship but we became friends and over time our feelings for each other became more stronger. I wasn't ready to have a relationship and he backed off. Over time things organically progressed and we eventually are where we are today which is in a relationship but still taking things slow eg we haven't moved in together, he doesn't sleep over etc. We've been together around 4m so not long.

Around a month ago - just before the lockdown he told me that he wasn't who he claimed to be. He apparently lives in London and owns his own business. The house that he lives in is a rental which he has been living in since he met me. His job is obviously not what he told me. Even his fucking name isn't real. He's changed it slightly as to not be identifiable. Eg Alex Rider has been changed to Al Rishton.

At first I thought he was joking but it became clear he wasn't. My first reaction was disbelief and utter anger. Why would he do this. Apparently he was fed up of gold diggers and women just after a fun time and his money. He was looking for someone who took him for who he was and decided on a whim to live / commute from a random Northern town! So all these fucking months he's been pretending to be someone else! This has really messed with my head and I was very upset and told him to leave and Ive not spoken to him since.
The worst thing was I actually thought we could have a long term future as we get on so well and he is very kind and sweet. But now I don't fucking know if he really is!?!

He was extremely sorry for what he'd done and explained that one lie led to another and before he knew it he'd woven a massive web of lies. He completely regrets it all and wish he never did this and it was really stupid if not fucking weird!

I don't know what to do. Do I give him a chance? We get on so so well. He was lovely. I'm heart broken.

OP posts:
BubblyBluePebbles · 11/04/2020 11:27

@Postspecific
I agree. Definitely classic narcissist behaviour.

Run for the hills. It's bad enough when you're related to a narcissist. You've got no ties to this one, so run!

Ginkypig · 11/04/2020 11:29

Now that you have his "real" information how much have you been able to find out about him online etc?

With his real name and the fact he owns a business you should be able to find out more about his job or find the company on companies house or find him on social media. You could see if he is living in a bedsit or owns a fancy London house.

I mean for me it'd be over and nothing would change that, nothing we could ever have in the future wouldn't be questionable for me because I couldn't trust him. I think just for interest though I'd like to see how much I could verify.

neomneomneom · 11/04/2020 11:33

Run and don't look backwards. Utter fantasist.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
VettiyaIruken · 11/04/2020 11:35

Dump him for his nasty views on women as much as his massive deception.

And yeah. He's probably married / has a partner.
Poor woman.

WeeMadArthur · 11/04/2020 11:40

I would be asking to see his passport to check this new name wasn’t also a lie. I wouldn’t be able to stay in a relationship with someone like this regardless.

WakeAndBake · 11/04/2020 11:48

it’s rarely the actually properly wealthy men that are worried about gold diggers.

I think normally men aim to become wealthy in order to attract gold-diggers who in turn make themselves attractive to wealthy men in order to dig gold. Everyone is a winner!

Donald and Melania spring immediately to mind...

HollowTalk · 11/04/2020 12:13

I'm not sure actually.

I worked with a woman who was incredibly mercenary and her friends were the same. All were single and were determined to find a rich man. They were in their forties and wanted to stop work. The woman I worked with was lovely with the guys (as long as they were rich enough) but behind their backs would talk about nothing but money. It was her sole interest.

If this guy has come across anyone like that then he'd be wise to lie about his job.

strawberry2017 · 11/04/2020 12:44

I'd honestly be curious and want to see proof of what he was telling me now and want him to show me it was actually true.
I could understand someone whose been massively burnt in the past wanting to find a genuine relationship.
I think it would depend on what proof he offered and how I felt.

GabsAlot · 11/04/2020 13:27

@JingsMahBucket One of my faves too

ChocolateDove · 11/04/2020 13:33

Well it does sound like he is married to be honest.

But maybe he was just unlucky with women and ended up with mainly gold diggers. They do exist, as much as other women like to pretend they don't.

I would still find it really weird and struggle to trust him again. Dishonesty is not a nice trait.

Sharpkat · 11/04/2020 20:09

Sorry. Have only just come back to this thread. The reasons for my suspicions were that he had no social media, never told me his surname and just the way he was. He pretended to be an engineer at Heathrow airport and it was all just too detailed.

You are seriously much better off without him. I wonder if it is the same guy.....

GobletOfIre · 11/04/2020 20:36

He’s a weirdo. Don’t trust him.

1300cakes · 11/04/2020 20:52

I think normally men aim to become wealthy in order to attract gold-diggers who in turn make themselves attractive to wealthy men in order to dig gold.

Exactly. Why would a man care if a women is attracted in part to his money, it's a part of him and the general package that he offers as a partner.

Original poster
LiesToAFool · 12/04/2020 08:05

I did Google his name and he is who he says he is. He comes up on websites related to his field of work- it's all business type stuff. There was one with his picture on and it's definitely him. I couldn't find anything about where he lives, personal life etc so pretty boring. I can't verify anything else.

People who are asking how rich he is- I honestly don't know! The business is in a field that I know nothing about but going off the few websites I've seen, it seems it's well known in that area.

I didn't even think that he might have a wife and kids- that would be horrific. I know some of you would like to just hear it out and grill him and find out what's true but I'm not ready right now.

He has sent flowers, notes in cards, loads of emails saying sorry and if I could just talk to him just once. He was a fool blah blah blah etc. If it wasn't for this lockdown I think he would have turned up at my doorstep at some point.

The sad thing is, I know you'll all say he isn't but he was so lovely. He was really sweet and considerate, he would help me out in little unexpected ways. He was thoughtful and we laughed at the same silly things and he "got me" like very few people do. He made me happy and that's why I can't talk to him. I'm so hurt.

OP posts:
GiantPinesAhem · 12/04/2020 08:24

It's ok to tell him that you're hurt and you need space to process x

Regarding the company, if it's his then look it up on companies house- following through from that you'll be able to access previous years accounts etc which are publicly filed. It really helped me with my partner!

Harakeke · 12/04/2020 08:31

The “gold digger” line is so misogynistic. The same kind of guy who hates his partner out earning him.

I couldn’t get past the deceit.

KaronAVyrus · 12/04/2020 09:40

You can’t trust him. Run for the hills.

WakeAndBake · 12/04/2020 10:34

Why would a man care if a women is attracted in part to his money

I think it is a certain type of man that doesn’t care about that! Inadequate types that are compensating for something else perhaps...

ifowaa · 12/04/2020 10:40

Does he mean that he's not rich and so the type of women he would like to sleep with are not attracted to him?
Therefore he lies about being more successful than he actually is?

Bluemascara4 · 12/04/2020 10:43

Eek he sounds like my ex .......

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 12/04/2020 10:43

NO. Absolutely not. This isn't just one little white lie- this is an entire network of lies to the point that everything he said was a lie!
You cannot trust someone who does this- he wont stop. Habitual liars never do- they just keep on lying.
Huge red flags all over this guy.

monkeymonkey2010 · 12/04/2020 14:37

"Gold-digger" excuse just doesn't work anymore, what with all the legal stuff you can put in place to protect your assets whether single or married.

He just enjoyed playing out a fantasy.
Got feelings/knew he'd be caught out at some point if he felt things were progressing -and was forced to come clean.

BubblyBluePebbles · 12/04/2020 15:40

I know it's hard but continue to block him.

Yes, gold male and female diggers exist but if that's what he is so concerned about, surely he would've eventually sussed that out without creating a whole web of lies that are likely to get him dumped.
And as other people have stated, you can get a pre-nup in order to protect assets gained prior to the start of a relationship/marriage.

Let's be honest here. Nobody wants a lazy and/or broke partner (male or female) that brings nothing to the table. Bringing something to the table includes the invisible unpaid work that takes place inside the home and raising children.

Male or female, married or not married, kids or no kids, people should ensure they have the means to generate their own money.
a) to share the load
b) to remain independent so you're not left financially worse off should something happen that is out of your control

BubblyBluePebbles · 12/04/2020 15:41

*Yes, male and female gold diggers exist

muckycat · 12/04/2020 16:07

I'm so sorry this has happened, OP. your head must be spinning 💐

My first thought is wife and family in lockdown, sorry.

Yes the term gold digger is pretty mysogynistic in itself. However, I can understand a very well off man or woman who has been burnt a few times emotionally glossing over quite how successful they are for the early dates so that they can get to know people without this being a factor.

But 18 months is a very long time indeed to keep adding to a network of lies. And why make up a name, history, get a rented place etc? I'm afraid this would be all too much for me to forgive.

I would be very keen to know the full truth but suggest you refrain from pumping him for information. You know the basics now and there is a chance he could be quite a dangerous man if he is willing and able to lie to this extent. I'm not a psychiatrist and certainly not armchair diagnosing but would imagine it could be indicative of quite a serious personality disorder.

Either it is all true, what he has told you now, and it should be a HUGE red flag that he prefers to lie his way around a delicate situation to this enormous extent, or he is a total Walter Mitty with delusions of grandeur. You don't need either in your life. I would block and tell him firmly to leave you alone and will consider any further contact to be harassment.

Unfortunately there are too many possibilities and risks here and no reliable answers. You are better cutting your losses.