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Original poster

Need don't perspective - bf has massively lied to me.

127 replies

LiesToAFool · 10/04/2020 23:17

Around 18m ago I met someone. I wasn't looking for a relationship but we became friends and over time our feelings for each other became more stronger. I wasn't ready to have a relationship and he backed off. Over time things organically progressed and we eventually are where we are today which is in a relationship but still taking things slow eg we haven't moved in together, he doesn't sleep over etc. We've been together around 4m so not long.

Around a month ago - just before the lockdown he told me that he wasn't who he claimed to be. He apparently lives in London and owns his own business. The house that he lives in is a rental which he has been living in since he met me. His job is obviously not what he told me. Even his fucking name isn't real. He's changed it slightly as to not be identifiable. Eg Alex Rider has been changed to Al Rishton.

At first I thought he was joking but it became clear he wasn't. My first reaction was disbelief and utter anger. Why would he do this. Apparently he was fed up of gold diggers and women just after a fun time and his money. He was looking for someone who took him for who he was and decided on a whim to live / commute from a random Northern town! So all these fucking months he's been pretending to be someone else! This has really messed with my head and I was very upset and told him to leave and Ive not spoken to him since.
The worst thing was I actually thought we could have a long term future as we get on so well and he is very kind and sweet. But now I don't fucking know if he really is!?!

He was extremely sorry for what he'd done and explained that one lie led to another and before he knew it he'd woven a massive web of lies. He completely regrets it all and wish he never did this and it was really stupid if not fucking weird!

I don't know what to do. Do I give him a chance? We get on so so well. He was lovely. I'm heart broken.

OP posts:
carriebreadshaw · 11/04/2020 09:20

I've been wondering about all the married guys having to invent reasons they can't quarantine with their girlfriends

Piper1879 · 11/04/2020 09:54

Please don't stay. My ex did that , lied about having children , lied about his name , his address , it's simply not worth the heartache sorry op x

Queenoftheashes · 11/04/2020 10:12

This is the kind of thing that would get passed off as cute and hapless guy accidentally entangled himself in a web of lies in a romcom but is depicted as a sympathetic character and the woman forgives him. In reality he’s a creepy deluded fucker.

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Relationship problems
2020changedtheworld · 11/04/2020 10:17

Could he be in lockdown with his wife?

Chouxalacreme · 11/04/2020 10:19

Nooo this is way off

Appletree yard anyone ?
Delusional
Married
Personality disorder
Many many issues
Attention seeker
Cold bare faced liar

Na.

DelphiniumBlue · 11/04/2020 10:23

So he's lied to you about his name, where he lives and his work for 18 months? That's quite hard to keep up.
I 'd want to check it out, get proof of everything( which he won't be able to provide because he's still lying) and then dump him anyway.
The story doesn't actually make sense, is this an online relationship?

Spied · 11/04/2020 10:27

So have you googled his name?
The business?
Something will come up if it's as successful as he is making out.

Neveranynamesleft · 11/04/2020 10:32

If this wasnt so sad it would be laughable. You could never ever trust him ever again. He's a dreamer. Tell him to jog on and block his number. How old are you OP , if you dont mind me asking ??

Slychomping · 11/04/2020 10:38

Trying to hide from wife and DC or debts I'm afraid.
He isn't lovely. He's a liar. So sorry op. Very wise of you to take it slow and keep your distance initially. Probably best to block toyally now and protect yourself from more hurt.

A close family member had a lodger like this. He seemed very polite and kind. Everything was fine for first couple of months. Then his movements became erratic and he missed paying the rent for a couple of months. Then post turned up for him under a different name. Turned out his business had gone bust, he owed family and friends and was trying to avoid paying child support.

MadinMarch · 11/04/2020 10:41

I 'd want to check it out, get proof of everything( which he won't be able to provide because he's still lying) and then dump him anyway.

I'd also want to do this. Otherwise, you're probably going to wonder what the true situation was for the rest of your life. It'll be much easier to shut the door permanently and move on if you have enough information to make some sort of sense of it.
You have every reason now to ask him to provide you with absolute proof about who he is. Passport details, bank proof, proof of address, and Companies House info if he owns his own business (very easy to check on line once you have the company name). He should be able to give you these immediately- today, not next week!
I think i'd go so far as checking him out with the police under Clare's law before finishing with him. What he has done to you is very very abusive.

ConstanceDoodleton · 11/04/2020 10:44

Well, it's never good to be in a relationship with a liar. Liars lie.

I'd want to know whom he actually was though before blocking. Has he given you enough information to now do some research?

nearlyfinished1moreyear · 11/04/2020 10:47

Shamelessly place marking Confused

Techway · 11/04/2020 10:59

Wealthy men don't use this line!! He is lying when he told you why he lied

He could be an offender...be very wary

BubblyBluePebbles · 11/04/2020 11:01

So, you've known him 18 months but have luckily been taking things slow and have only been dating 4 months. That's good. I hope you haven't fallen madly and deeply in love with this crazy man!?
As I said in an earlier post block him. I'm intrigued. Google him. Check Companies House re. his business. Check his social media presence. Have you got any photos of him? As you could upload them and do a face recognition search. Sounds like he's been trying to lead a double life. Already got a partner/married and possibly with kids. Damn this lockdown has got these cheaters spooked!!!

Re. not having money because he rents.
A lot of wealthy people rent. Some are away from their main home for business and sky high rents are often included in employment contracts/remuneration packages. Also, rich people tend to offset the rent as they would lose it to taxes anyway. Someone is able to rent those properties with eye watering rents. Not just highly paid footballers. Not every rich person wants to buy property in every location they live in.

NotStayingIn · 11/04/2020 11:06

But as others have pointed out it’s quick to verify.

If his name, location etc would have so easily identified him as being rich and in danger of being a target for a gold digger one quick search should confirm that, now that you have his details.

Do tell us what you find! I would be amazed if he really is as much of a catch as he seems to suggest he is.

Hope you are ok though. It’s horrible to find out you’ve been lied to. Flowers

lolaflores · 11/04/2020 11:06

A friend had similar situation. Not a single fact he told her was true. His name. His relationship status. His family (said he was adopted and family all dead!) Turns out he was a stalking, scary weirdo who was so deluded he forgot about Facebook and other such simple ways of finding out who people really are.
In the end she tried to finish it but he grew more aggressive and intimidating culminating in an epic tantrum (Rumplestiltskins stamping and fury) on her doorstep. Luckily her brother was there and ran him.
The sheer enormity of the lies were what shocked me. Lies so paper thin a child wouldnt believe him but he just conjured up shite from thin air convinced he was belived and was so angry when confronted.
My advice is dont confront him as it will provoke an extreme reaction. It puts pressure on their fantasy and they dont want to be separated from it.
I think it is a form of hatred of women. To lie and delude someone shows a contempt for their intelligence, like getting one over on a woman feeds their ego and these types of men usually have a few on the go at the same time. They are controlling the narrative and the reality and love it while they are getting away with it but turn nasty on detection. And I think they can fool the wisest and most cautious amongst us. I dont think they have a type but I think they strike when people are quite vulnerable.

And they repeat the same thing over and over again. Sometimes for years. It is some kind of PD... borderline personality disorder? Or a combination of few. Histrionic? Anyway, it is pathological and dangerous. Step away. No further contact. But I wish there was some sort of register for these types. (Women included) they should have a health warning.

Postspecific · 11/04/2020 11:07

I’m the first to defend against coerced sex but if you’re going to say that him lying about his circumstances etc means he’s a rapist then you run the risk of inviting other people to minimise rape as a whole. This isn’t really comparable. People lie about who they are all the time.

Postspecific · 11/04/2020 11:08

I would definitely question the lie about the lie. I actually suspect the first version of him is true. It’s classic narcissistic behaviour.

ThinkPink71 · 11/04/2020 11:11

He sounds like a dangerous individual to me....i'd be out of there!! x

BubblyBluePebbles · 11/04/2020 11:11

@Postspecific
OP did not say anything about rape. Another poster did.

Postspecific · 11/04/2020 11:13

Sorry yeah I forgot to tag.

okiedokieme · 11/04/2020 11:13

I would find out who he really is and why he felt he needed to hide his identity - there could be a legitimate reason. I met a guy who was a bit elusive as to his last name and what he did for a living - after a month I discovered he was an ex mp, multi millionaire etc. Also discovered he was hung up on his ex - hence I dumped him but he didn't want women to want his money which I thought was fair enough

KaronAVyrus · 11/04/2020 11:18

He’s either a borderline sociopath (it’s not normal to lie in this way) or its much more likely he’s married with kids. He’s made up this bullshit story because he could see it would be impossible to be in lockdown for a couple of months with you.

Get rid.

BubblyBluePebbles · 11/04/2020 11:20

I agree with the advice that @lolaflores has given. Do not meet up with him again under any circumstances. Make sure you give some of your family and friends an update, so they are aware just in case he won't go away and tries to stalk you. Does he know where you live?
I don't mean to scare you, but you don't know who you are dealing with, so you need to protect yourself by being prepared for any possible eventuality 💐
Start making notes if he continues to contact you, as you may have to submit dates and details to the Police.

GiantPinesAhem · 11/04/2020 11:26

I would agree there's a good chance the double life is actually another woman/family.

However, if he could actually PROVE who he really is, real evidence, and it was a believable story after that (ie he is actually wealthy and not just an over inflated ego) then you can live out the rest of the lockdown talking openly, seeing if you can trust him and if you still have feelings for him.

Without evidence though- nothing.