Teens staying up all night?

[Bottomplasters]

Anyone else teens (15) year 10. Staying up all night and doing fuck all work? I literally am at breaking point

We've gone through this. I had a big talk to 2 of them yesterday about preserving good mental health because this could be for ages. Getting dressed in the day time, washed in the morning, slowing down at night.

'The fact my son chooses to do this at night is probably a bonus for the coordinators.'

Interesting. My own teens are looking at volunteering opportunities. What is the volunteering your son does at night (intrigued)?

My teen (16 yrs) had the first week or so off school (we are ahead of uk) staying up v late/ getting up v late, cock-a-hoop with the freedom , and her hwk went a bit haywire tbh. But she has now settled down and self-regulated and is getting up with us and the dogs around 7.30 am/8.00 and doing hwk regularly. (This is a lie in as school starts early over here.)

Tbh, I think it's important to give them a chance to establish their own rhythm and to learn from this experience about themselves and what works before imposing a schedule on them straightaway . If after a fortnight , nothing changes, that is the time to wade in. Otherwise, if you dictate a routine, they wont be practising self- discipline but someone else's, and they will never learn to cope at uni by themselves.

It's not perfect, she's still spending too much time on sm during lockdown and watching too much Netflix, but there again, so am I !

'not everybody likes inactivity'

I think that's my point.

So why are so many of these teens apparently doing nothing?

And how depressing that we seem to have brought up so many children not to be able to occupy themselves.

Mine spend most of the time on screens’ socialising’ and watching/ playing crap. I try to split the day into 3rds and make one third screen free but there are arguments( I’m apparently a weird parent). They do a walk and a chore every day but as I said the maj of the day is unproductive. Dh works all day and I find it hard to motivate myself (although I do keep busy with a couple of arty projects/ reading) let alone teens. I’m working from home this week and will be out at work all next week so won’t have time to chivvy them into hours of productivity.

@Slychomping agree. I think it's worrying that so many teens apparently have no self-discipline or ability to self-regulate.

Yes clearly I’ve failed as a parent.

We’re in the middle of a pandemic and are indoors 24/7 at home, I don’t notice many adults self regulating.

'I don’t notice many adults self regulating'

You've perhaps not noticed any of the NHS workers, teachers continuing to set and mark work from home as well as look after vulnerable children at school, supermarket workers, police, post officer workers, construction workers then?

Shame on you.

That was directed to @Bottomplasters

You also wouldn't 'notice' what other people are doing in their own homes. Sheesh!

As a single parent but teacher I am still teaching other people's kids from home at the same time as looking after my own. I'm currently on holiday and not allowed to set work although I will be working.

You will find that many, many other people are working from home.

Sorry not @Bottomplasters but @aut0replenish

The number of women on this site then moaning on about how their dhs do bugger all to help. If you have male children and you allow them to sleep in until 2 pm and let them stay up all night and expect absolutely nothing from them, you are not exactly setting them up to be helpful, productive husbands/ partners/ fathers.

That isn’t self regulating, that is working.

I think we have a bit of a different approach though Nostaples my point being that we shouldn't be too quick to impose a schedule on them straightaway. Let them find their own rhythm.
(Imho - dont claim to have any great experience as dd is an only - its bound to be harder with more.)

And no parent here is a failure. Let's face it, teens can be very difficult to motivate at the best of times (mine can be quite rude and obnoxious if she is pushed outside of her comfort zone ) . And if it's all much harder and stressful during lockdown.

And they are scared. My dd went for a bike ride yesterday and came back upset as the local ice rink (we live abroad) which she visits regularly with her friends is being turned in to a morgue. .

So we have to make allowances , especially I imagine for teens who are very extrovert/outgoing/ sociable/ sporty. Mine is an only so is already fairly self contained which makes it easier I think.

Personally I'm trying to aim for a middle way with very few imposed rules and quite a bit of slack. And as ever with teens, it's not what you say but what you do that counts.
Good luck to everyone

@Slychamping I'm still on the same page. I just think that teens who already have good values and routines and motivations are less likely to fall completely out of 'rhythm' or struggle to find it.

Again, making me out to be some sort of ogre 'controlling' parent because I expect good behaviour from my children might make certain other parents feel better about their own situation. In fact, I've not 'imposed' or 'controlled' any more than I would usually and not in any way that my children would notice or complain about. I have brought my children up to be responsible, productive and self-disciplined.

I am happy for them to be going to bed slightly later and getting up later. I would not be happy if they were lounging around all day, but they don't. I have the usual battles about emptying the dishwasher and setting the table that other parents do.

I too work in education and was a teacher for several years.

Most of my colleagues former and present know teens well enough to know they vary, it is also often a tricky time without a pandemic and hours of lockdown. Those of us with a job to do during lockdown tucked up at home are the fortunate ones.

As you were. I have work to do and teens to chivvy.

Op just wanted you to know that you’re not alone.

At one end of the continuum kids have (and probably have had) no discipline, routine or parental intervention on the other end parents have scheduled every minute of their children's days with home schooling and other activities.

I would expect most parents are somewhere in the middle.

Hmm i agree with nostaples that getting out of a routine isn't the best idea. I also think being nocturnal isn't good for mental health. Now its the eadter holidays my teens sleep cycles might change a bit (bed later and up later) but still not going to sleep after midnight or getting up later than 10ish. When its "schooltime" again they'll be sticking to their normal schedule and timetables. It gives them calm and routine in these unpredictable times which is important and when this all ends we wont be fighting to get them back into normal sleep patterns. Sleeping through large amounts of daylight hours and not being awake at the same time as the rest of your family seems a bit damaging to me. Bit shocked by the person saying their dc was heading to bed at 6.30am! Kids do need order imposed when they are going too far with things and they are usually grateful for an adult to take charge (even if they dont act it!)..

He was offered the volunteering through his DofE scheme which is on hold at the moment. What he's doing could be done during the day (co-ordinating shopping requests) but, by doing it at night it frees up the group leaders during the day to be a friendly ear rather than an administrator. If your sons are looking for opportunities they could contact their local churches or look on the facebook groups that have been set up in every area to help vulnerable people, there's lots of things they could be doing.

@Slychomping I also agree with allowances.

But I think letting them do what the Hell they want if that means nothing and staying up all night is not doing anyone any favours.

All people need boundaries, routines, expectations and validations. Young people more than any, even when (especially when) they act like they don't or resist them. Acting out IS normal teenage behaviour. Giving in because you don't fancy a fight is poor parenting.

@AStarSoBright thanks, that's interesting. Good for your son.

I think those who have volunteered or used this time productively will look back at this time with a sense of pride, which will be quite important.

My daughter started baking yesterday but she started quite late. They did both catch the afternoon sun in the garden but they were not keen!

So what I really want advice with (not criticism) is how to get a 16 year old who knows that nothing he does now will make any difference to his exam results to do some work.

School have drummed it into him that learning is about exam results (and I know this isn't just his school because I teach at a university and most 18 - 25 year olds have the same mindset). He's doing a totally unconnected course at FE so no mileage in keeping up with those subjects.

The closest I've got is him watching documentaries about things he's interested in (history) and making notes because this is a skill he will need to develop. He hates reading (has hundreds of books) and anything I say he ignores because I'm his mum.

I don't have the time to argue with him for an hour or two every time I want him to do something because I'm working and also supporting younger son with SEND.

Aagghhh!!!

Giving in because you don't fancy a fight is poor parenting

Obviously it's much easier to just give up and let them do sod all but people wouldn't be posting on here in the first place if they were the sort of parents who simply didn't care. Teens are not all the same and have varying degrees of fight in them and parents have different living circumstances and stresses. There should be an understanding of that and a recognition that it sometimes isn't as easy as just "telling them what to do" . I doubt whether making people feel worse about their parenting helps when it comes to their interactions with their teens either.

Fwiw I find a message that strongly appeals to teens in this sort of situation is "you are paddling your own boat here , you are the captain dictating speed and direction etc". (Or words to that effect.)
This applies to older teens obviously. No effort, no rewards, blah blah blah.

After all , this is probably the most valuable life lesson for all of us (it certainly took me a while to get a handle on it).

Let them know that it's up to them with gentle support/steering from the sidelines. And then let them alone to see what they do with that info . The tedium of doing "not alot" will get to them eventually. And even if they sleep or game through the entire lockdown (NOT suggesting that they should do this of course!) it may teach them a valuable lesson for next time (as long as parents allow natural consequences to play out such as getting behind with school work , having no clean clothes). So all is not lost! They will know in their heart of hearts whether they feel guilty about how they used their time or not. So just steer them towards that thought. And then step back. That is the hardest thing in parenting imho: letting them make their own mistakes and learn from them.

Good luck op

Nostaples

You might be just lucky in that your terms are naturally owls like you are.
You might find that when your kids are out of your control/routine and they get the freedom to do what they like, they will revert to staying up late and getting up late.

Like anything, I think there is a middle ground. And actually making a 17 year old be be in bed by 10/11 certainly isn't the middle ground. Are they really happy with this? I suspect they are missing out with important peer time.