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Original poster

Should I tell DD about Mc before she was born?

90 replies

Hoppinggreen · 04/04/2020 13:26

DD15 sometimes asks about the circumstances around her conception/birth/why we chose her name etc. All normal and I answer but what I don’t tell her is that I had a mmc at 12 weeks and then got pg completely unexpectedly with her 1 week later. I don’t mean should I sit her down or make a big announcement but today she asked me if we had planned to have her and also when did we choose her name. If I was being completely honest I would have to mention the Mc but I can answer truthfully without doing so. She was discussing abortion laws the other day (debating it in RS at school) and she said that until it’s born a baby isn’t a real person, I don’t blame her for her view but I almost said something at that point as my lost baby was real to me and I still do mourn him/her.
Is it something she should know? I don’t suppose she needs to but sometimes I feel like I’m covering something up
My big concern is if she thinks that if I hadn’t lost that baby she wouldn’t be here (true) and she doesn’t like big displays of emotion and I’m sure I would end up crying if I told her. I wouldn’t make a big thing about it or anything but it came up in a conversation that she had not been born in our closest hospital and when she asked why I told her we felt the care would be better when the truth was that they were so useless when I had my mc that I ended up going private for my subsequent treatment and when I found out I was pg again I was so traumatised I couldnt bear to go anywhere near the maternity there again.
Obviously I would have any discussions in an age appropriate way but I feel it’s an important part of my/our lives so maybe I should be totally honest
Any opinions welcome

OP posts:

Alsohuman · 04/04/2020 13:31

She really doesn’t need to know. I wouldn’t tell her if it were me.

Fatted · 04/04/2020 13:32

I think when discussing things like abortion and feelings towards MC, you can tell you you had a MC and your feelings towards it without fully going into how close it was to her conception.

I think perhaps the rest of it all can wait until she is older and a bit more emotionally mature to cope with it all. Maybe perhaps save it for if and when she has her own DC. There is a lot of stuff I didn't know about my own mum and her pregnancies until I was pregnant myself. I'm glad she saved it for then TBH. I didn't really need to know beforehand IYSWIM

FreeKitties · 04/04/2020 13:36

Right now she doesn't need to know OP, she's 15 and her reactions may well upset you (from what you've posted you recognise this) and it could cause a fair bit of inner turmoil for her. To be fair it's only because she's 15 and her brain isn't finished developing yet I don't think her reactions are a reflection on her or you or your relationship.

You could revisit when she's an adult if you choose.

Giving you an unmumsnetty hug, and also want to say to you that it's ok for you to be sad about your mc, feeling grief for your lost child doesn't mean you love your daughter any less.

Lllot5 · 04/04/2020 13:38

I’ve always known about my sister that died before I was born. She was born prematurely and lived 13 hours.
Not quite the same but yeah I’d tell her.

LightenUpSummer · 04/04/2020 13:39

I don't know if you should tell her or not. But I do know many people who were unplanned and it really makes them sad (not all but some of them). Whatever you do please emphasise how much she was wanted.

My last niece was unplanned and dsis told everyone. If that had been me I wouldn't have told anyone at all, and asked dh to do the same.

Iggi999 · 04/04/2020 13:42

I have had recurrent miscarriages and have thought about this. I have mentioned that I had one mc to my elder child (they were all after him) as the topic had come up in conversation and I almost said it without thinking. He has never mentioned it since. With the younger one I am more hesitant as it would be clear he could easily not have been here. If I were you OP I wouldn't tell her just now, and I would not tell her about the one week thing that's mad.
If I had dds I would want to tell them at some point in case they might be in the same boat genetically.

stellabelle · 04/04/2020 13:46

No, she isn't old enough. I had 4 mc before my DD was born, but I didn't feel the need to burden her with that information until she was an adult and able to comprehend what that meant to me.

PicaK · 04/04/2020 13:47

I think you're still grieving. And if it's never been really talked about in your family I can see why. You can't have had time to process it before you were focused on your 2nd baby.
It's a stressful time at the moment so your emotions are coming out. I think you are projecting a lot of thoughts that you daughter might have from your own heart iyswim.
You need to be kind to yourself. Some counselling would be good. I hesitated to suggest that but then remembered that many counsellors are doing work over the phone.
Deal with your grief first. Give yourself some time eg. 6 months. You need to be in a strong place to then tell your daughter. She may not feel as deeply as you. She may react in ways or think about things that you didn't. She's still a child. And you need to say that you thought it would help if you didn't talk about it but actually it didn't help you at all.
I've been there but my son was 5 when we told him we'd lost his twin early in pregnancy. It really upset him. We were doing adoption training and basically they teach you that if you shy away from upsetting or tricky conversations then you are sod all use to an adopted child who may have feelings of shame. So yes, I made my son cry but he is very comfortable now talking about emotions etc.

Original poster

Hoppinggreen · 04/04/2020 13:47

Thank you, especially to Freekitties for you kind words
Yes, my big fear is her thinking she wasn’t wanted, although finding out I was pg again like that was very very hard and did cause me some MH issues I think, including PND (which DD knows nothing about)
I’ve always prided myself on being honest with DD, even when discussing difficult subjects (age appropriately of course) and its when I try to have a conversation and realise that I need to skirt around things to avoid mentioning my mc that I think about telling her
However, I think that it’s something for a long time in the future rather than now
Thanks again to everyone who replied

OP posts:

FuckingGregg · 04/04/2020 13:51

My DM spent most of my childhood talking about her losses, remembering and marking anniversaries. I hated it as a child. I felt like our lives revolves around it, and I hated the shows of emotion around it.

Strangely as the actual surging child I felt less important than the losses.

But I remember it being talked about as early as age 4, and I was definitely not able to process it all.

Original poster

Hoppinggreen · 04/04/2020 13:57

And I’m very sorry for your loss PicaK

OP posts:

Moreisnnogedag · 04/04/2020 13:59

I know as an adult my mom had a mc before me and that she had only ever wanted two children, so I wouldn’t be here if she hadn’t had a mc. I’m fine with that as an adult but I’m not sure that as a child/teenager I would have been the same.

I would in general talk to her about her attitudes to unborn children so that she doesn’t (inadvertently) say something insensitive around other people though.

timeisnotaline · 04/04/2020 13:59

We’ve always known. And a couple of us wouldn’t be here if the miscarriages has turned out, can’t remember who exactly. It feels a much better, matter of fact way to do it than seeing my girlfriends slowly learn the hard way that miscarriages happen to everyone. No one is the slightest bit concerned they wouldn’t have been here if not for random chance and a miscarriage, they are the babies that arrived and were loved.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 04/04/2020 14:02

I don't see what the big deal is. My twins wouldn't be here if I hadn't miscarried my first baby. They're aware of that, I don't think it's damaged them in any way, it's just a fact of life.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 04/04/2020 14:05

My youngest brother wouldn't be here, and I'd be second. I was told when I was about 25 IIRC. These things happen.

AllMumsyWereTheBorrowedClothes · 04/04/2020 14:10

I've been talking to my younger adult dd about your dilemma. Both dds have always known about the early mc between them, it wasn't introduced as an issue, rather it came up while talking about other family matters, long enough ago that none of us can remember the whys and wherefores.

Dd understands that the other baby would probably have meant she would not have come into being, but all the love she has received during her life has left her in no doubt that she is loved and wanted just as much as her big sister. The baby I lost is in my heart all the time, and I always mention them if someone asks about my children.

My dm had 2 mcs before my db and I were born, which perhaps meant that I was more ready to talk about it than others would be. I feel happier that they know of the possibility in case they face the same problem.

None of this though means that it would be the right choice for you and your dd, only you will know what to say, and when. Much love and unmumsnetty hugs

CMOTDibbler · 04/04/2020 14:12

My ds has known since he was very little that I had multiple miscarriages before him. Partly from when he went through the stage of asking why he didn't have brothers and sisters over and over, and also when his best friends much looked forward to cousin was stillborn and we had to talk about that. No big fuss about it, just part of the life story like him being premature really

TriangleBingoBongo · 04/04/2020 14:15

I’m sorry you had a miscarriage OP.

I think just tell her, personally I think being open and expressing emotions etc is healthy for children, especially as she is now nearing adulthood.

For example I know I am the result of contraception failure. I’m really not bothered though! Obviously me and your DD are two different people, but in wouldn’t bother me that I was the consequence of conception closely after MC.

LochJessMonster · 04/04/2020 14:16

I know that my mum had 2 miscarriages before having me. Doesn’t make me feel anything really. Just a fact of life. Miscarriages are (unfortunately) very common.

Lllot5 · 04/04/2020 14:21

My mum always said she wanted two girls and that’s what she got. Quite clever actually we both thought she got what she wanted us two.

Isolatinginthekitchen · 04/04/2020 14:24

I think I plan on telling my child if it ever comes up about the mcs we had before their birth. I think it's an emotional topic for obvious reasons but I hope they will recognise that everything happens for a reason (though we may not know what that is) and that they are here because they are meant to be here with us. In our case the babies I lost would most probably been born with severe health difficulties and while I am of course incredibly sad about losing them I also know that it was better for them not to have to suffer. However unlike a pp mother I can't say I mark the anniversaries (I might think oh today is such and such) but I never verbalise it to anyone other than maybe dh. I don't plan on making a big thing of it to my child as it's my grief not theirs, they are without a doubt the best thing that ever happened to me :-) these are all of course my own personal opinions :-)

I think like everything to do with pregnancy and miscarriage it's up to you to do what suits you and your family best.

notalwaysalondoner · 04/04/2020 14:44

My mum was pretty open that she had a miscarriage between me and my sister, I think it first came up when I was in my early teens when she mentioned how awful it was that she was put in the labour ward and surrounded by mothers and babies. It was a bit strange knowing that she’d never mentioned it before but it certainly wasn’t traumatic to me or my sister knowing that there could have been a different sibling (as my sister wouldn’t have been born if the other pregnancy had continued).

Savingsh0es · 04/04/2020 14:50

Yes I do. You may not need to discuss your personal MC but you could say about how painful a MC is both emotionally and physically so whilst she's entitled to her opinion, she may feel different during pregnancy if she chooses to become a mum.

Teenytinyvoice · 04/04/2020 15:02

My friend told her daughter of similar circumstances at a similar age (prompted by a call the midwife episode), and the daughter was very upset.

At 15 you still like to think your parents are invincible. Although I’m generally of the option that miscarriage should be spoken about much more, in this case I wouldn’t just yet.

triedandtestedteacher · 04/04/2020 15:10

My mother had a miscarriage right before me. I can't recall when she told me about it. I may have been a teenager. It hasn't effected me negatively. She is very open with me and I'm happy she is. It did not make me think I was less wanted or not meant to be. She told me when I was an adult she'd also had a termination when I was quite small. That was more difficult to hear but only because I hate to think of the position she was in that that was a choice she felt she had to make

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