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Original poster

Should I tell DD about Mc before she was born?

90 replies

Hoppinggreen · 04/04/2020 13:26

DD15 sometimes asks about the circumstances around her conception/birth/why we chose her name etc. All normal and I answer but what I don’t tell her is that I had a mmc at 12 weeks and then got pg completely unexpectedly with her 1 week later. I don’t mean should I sit her down or make a big announcement but today she asked me if we had planned to have her and also when did we choose her name. If I was being completely honest I would have to mention the Mc but I can answer truthfully without doing so. She was discussing abortion laws the other day (debating it in RS at school) and she said that until it’s born a baby isn’t a real person, I don’t blame her for her view but I almost said something at that point as my lost baby was real to me and I still do mourn him/her.
Is it something she should know? I don’t suppose she needs to but sometimes I feel like I’m covering something up
My big concern is if she thinks that if I hadn’t lost that baby she wouldn’t be here (true) and she doesn’t like big displays of emotion and I’m sure I would end up crying if I told her. I wouldn’t make a big thing about it or anything but it came up in a conversation that she had not been born in our closest hospital and when she asked why I told her we felt the care would be better when the truth was that they were so useless when I had my mc that I ended up going private for my subsequent treatment and when I found out I was pg again I was so traumatised I couldnt bear to go anywhere near the maternity there again.
Obviously I would have any discussions in an age appropriate way but I feel it’s an important part of my/our lives so maybe I should be totally honest
Any opinions welcome

OP posts:

lamppostdog · 04/04/2020 22:38

I've never told my 18 year old ds about mine, because he never would have been born

Floobydoodoo · 04/04/2020 22:48

Gosh my dc 7 & 6 know I had mc before them and fertility treatment to conceive them - but we’ve always told them in the light of how very, very happy we were that they came along and that they were the children we were meant to have.

It’s not that we’ve sat them down & had a massive chat about it or anything, it’s just come up in questions they’ve asked, as other friends have had babies (& a couple of friends had stillborns as well so they were aware of that).

I would tell your dd if she asks - but surely you can say it in the light of ‘we were so happy when I got pg with you because...’

cocomelon23 · 04/04/2020 22:52

I've always known about my mum's miscarriage after my younger sister was born. It was never a big deal for us.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 04/04/2020 22:55

I find the 'it would be upsetting because then they'd know they could have not been born' argument very strange - you wouldn't have been born if your parents had had sex one day earlier, either, as it would have been different sperm. We're all the product of a one in a million chance that it was exactly us.

My mum had a miscarriage before me (which I found helpful to know when I had my own first miscarriage, as I knew she'd gone to have me) and DH's mum had a horrible late loss before him. Neither of us feel any less wanted for it. I don't know if I'll ever tell DS I had three miscarriages before him - he's not yet two - but he was desperately, desperately wanted and I guess I'll tell him that at some stage.

Floralnomad · 04/04/2020 22:56

Only you know your daughter and her possible reaction but you really do need some counselling if you are still so badly affected after 15 yrs . I miscarried a twin at 12 weeks in our first pregnancy and both of our dc have known that since they were children and it’s never been an issue for them .

SockQueen · 04/04/2020 22:56

My mum had 3 mc between me and my sister. I can't remember a time when I didn't know about them, but she had told me in a very matter of fact way, I didn't understand for a long time how much pain she must have gone through. I don't think my sister feels bad about it at all, she was obviously wanted or they wouldn't have kept trying!

My grandma also had a stillbirth of her first child. They told me about that a bit later, maybe 10ish, but again in a fairly factual way and as I was only a kid I didn't really think about it much more deeply. Only after she died, when I was doing my obstetrics placement at med school, my grandpa told me all about the baby's birth and I could tell that he was still upset about it 50+ years later, but they weren't supposed to talk about it at the time.

You can see from this thread that it's a very personal choice as to whether you tell your DD and how much you tell her. I've never had a mc but DS1 was an assisted conception using Clomid, and I've no idea if I'll want or need to tell him that in the future (he's only 3 atm).

ViciousJackdaw · 04/04/2020 23:03

My DM told me about her mc at every opportunity, from an early age - 'Oh, your big brother/sister would have been 11 by now' - Christ it was horrible growing up in the shadow of that.

ForestYeti · 04/04/2020 23:04

My children know about my 3 miscarriages, unfortunately one of them came to my (should have been) 12 week scan and I’d had a missed mc at 8 weeks, also my last baby would have been 3 next month and they’re all older so they knew about that one too, i don’t make a big thing of it but we do talk about these things and I think it’s healthy to discuss feelings

IckyIsAFuckingStupidWord · 04/04/2020 23:12

My eldest is 14 and I’ve never hid the fact I’ve had 2 miscarriages. I’ve just kind of blended it in to conversations over the years. It’s a non issue to me, they know about it, it’s their norm.

Nicketynac · 04/04/2020 23:14

My son asked me about the saddest thing that had ever happened to me (he was 7 at the time) and I told him in very simple terms about an early miscarriage. He had a lot of questions but handled it ok. It was prompted somewhat by MIL telling me about her MC when I had mine - she had never told her kids and they (as adults) were quite upset when they found out.
It's something that I am quite open about with anyone who asks or if it comes up in conversation so I suppose he would have overheard me mention it at some point and it is better to be able to discuss it properly.

InfiniteCurve · 04/04/2020 23:17

I'm pretty sure mine knew before they were 15 that I had 2 miscarriages before having DC1.
People do have miscarriages,and I think children should know this is a possibility - and as for your DD not existing if you had had the baby you lost - well,no,but that doesn't make her any the less loved,and she is here.And your feelings,and those of other people who have had miscarriages,are a relevant comment to her views on abortion.
And she is 15 - she's not 5, why would you not talk to her about this kind of thing? Actually even if she were 5,why not?

PickAChew · 04/04/2020 23:20

You can talk to her about the MC. It don't tell her how close.

1 week is very close. I didn't even want to be touched, at that point. I was feeling utterly shit from the hormone crash.

Tonyaster · 04/04/2020 23:22

Definitely not. It's not her issue to take on.

MillicentMargaretAmanda · 04/04/2020 23:29

Another one here who can't remember not knowing that there was a miscarriage and a still birth at seven months before I came along. For me it just made me secure im the knowledge that I was wanted. I used to occasionally imagine what these older siblings would have been like. Never occured to me that if they had survived, I probably wouldn't have been conceived!
I do think that in theory 15 is plenty old enough to be told, but it does sound like you have some unprocessed feelings you maybe need to seek help with before you tell her.

ExclamationPerfume · 04/04/2020 23:53

We were always told about my mum's miscarriages. She had to go for weekly hormone injections as a result so it made us feel more special. One was as a result of an examination at the antenatal clinic. We were both very much longed for.

LividLaughLovely · 05/04/2020 06:22

I think children should know things like this, from so early on that it isn’t an issue.

The problem in your specific case is having waited fifteen years.

Tonyaster · 05/04/2020 08:36

I have had two miscarriages and I really struggle to see what it would add to my relationship with my dds to talk about them. Why on earth would they need to know? If they had a miscarriage themselves and I knew about it, then I would probably tell them if I thought it was appropriate. Not everything is about me!

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 05/04/2020 09:06

Well, my eldest boys were well aware of the little brother they lost, so my 15 month old will also be aware of him.

My lost son isn't being kept a secret. He's still my son.

As for your daughter not being born if the baby was here.

Not one of us in the world would be here if one second of change had occurred at any point.
It's just life.

My parents nearly adopted a baby, had they done that I wouldn't be here.

It's just life.

Friendsofmine · 05/04/2020 09:18

I think it is so raw in the way you speak about it here that it will be easy for her to feel like she is second best consolation baby one week is quicker than you'd get a new puppy to cheer up the kids!

I'd leave it until she starts trying and if she has a MC it is more useful then to tell her for support and a happy ending story.

Tonyaster · 05/04/2020 09:21

My DM told me about her mc at every opportunity, from an early age - 'Oh, your big brother/sister would have been 11 by now' - Christ it was horrible growing up in the shadow of that that must have been horrible.

stormyrainyday · 05/04/2020 09:26

i told my dd who was 8 at the time as it was v relevant to an observation she made, it was no big deal and didn't occur to me and certainly not her that she wouldn't be here - it's only reading this thread i realise - but there are so many situations in life that could be applied the same so i would never ponder it much eg if my mum hadn't had her mc i wouldn't be here either - it never occurred to me but it's just what happened so i find that viewpoint and getting upset about it v different to my own

12345ct · 05/04/2020 09:27

I 100% agree with this post I've had 2 miscarriages and would never tell my children unless they go through the pain themselves. Why would I make them feel sad and upset when it's avoidable? It's my pain and sadness to keep not theirs.

stormyrainyday · 05/04/2020 09:28

to clarify : the mc was obviously a big deal

Original poster

Hoppinggreen · 05/04/2020 09:30

Thanks to everyone who commented and I’m very sorry for all your losses.
Apart from friendsofmine you have made me feel utterly shit with your “puppy to cheer up the kids” comment. I certainly didn’t plan on getting pg again so quickly and had no idea it was even possible. I don’t even know why we had sex then to be honest- it was my idea and I think I just wanted to do something that didn’t involve crying. I was absolutely horrified when I found out and it was very very hard to deal with so frankly your “puppy” comment is pretty awful.
I’m going to assume you are just insensitive (and anyone who has had a Mc will know that there’s plenty of that about - “it’s ok, you can try again. It’s natures way etc etc “) rather than nasty.

OP posts:

BabbleBee · 05/04/2020 09:36

My DCs know about my ectopic pregnancy before them. I can’t even remember how it came about, they may have asked about my surgery scars.. not sure now. I don’t feel like it’s something to hide, sadly loss is a normal part of life.

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