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Original poster

Should I tell DD about Mc before she was born?

90 replies

Hoppinggreen · 04/04/2020 13:26

DD15 sometimes asks about the circumstances around her conception/birth/why we chose her name etc. All normal and I answer but what I don’t tell her is that I had a mmc at 12 weeks and then got pg completely unexpectedly with her 1 week later. I don’t mean should I sit her down or make a big announcement but today she asked me if we had planned to have her and also when did we choose her name. If I was being completely honest I would have to mention the Mc but I can answer truthfully without doing so. She was discussing abortion laws the other day (debating it in RS at school) and she said that until it’s born a baby isn’t a real person, I don’t blame her for her view but I almost said something at that point as my lost baby was real to me and I still do mourn him/her.
Is it something she should know? I don’t suppose she needs to but sometimes I feel like I’m covering something up
My big concern is if she thinks that if I hadn’t lost that baby she wouldn’t be here (true) and she doesn’t like big displays of emotion and I’m sure I would end up crying if I told her. I wouldn’t make a big thing about it or anything but it came up in a conversation that she had not been born in our closest hospital and when she asked why I told her we felt the care would be better when the truth was that they were so useless when I had my mc that I ended up going private for my subsequent treatment and when I found out I was pg again I was so traumatised I couldnt bear to go anywhere near the maternity there again.
Obviously I would have any discussions in an age appropriate way but I feel it’s an important part of my/our lives so maybe I should be totally honest
Any opinions welcome

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 04/04/2020 15:12

I lost my first dc. Dd was conceived 2 months later. When she asked about pregnancy /etc I told her. Wasn't a big mystery or a big deal to her.
She is 30 and not traumatised thinking what ifs...

Embracelife · 04/04/2020 15:16

Yes dds have known i had a mc since they asked it was somet8along lines of so you were pregnant
3 times
No it was 4 i had a mc
Oh ok
maybe around same age.
You can be matter of fact
I had a miscarriage
Then you were conceived I was so happy

Lots of people have miscarriages
It s good that your dd knows it something that happens and it is something people deal with.

GrumpyHoonMain · 04/04/2020 15:18

Unless the miscarriage was due to a medical reason which could impact her I wouldn’t tell her at all. Her views of miscarriage / abortion might not be the same as yours and in my opinion there’s no real point letting that ruin your relationship.

Custardcreamies101 · 04/04/2020 15:20

Don’t see the reason to tell her

Lunawuna · 04/04/2020 15:31

While I don't think you should need to keep the fact you had a MC from her, from what you've said I don't think there would be much benefit to telling her about it just now. It sounds like it would be very upsetting for you, and that it could end up in you being potentially more upset by your daughters reaction (whether she is upset or indifferent to your loss based on her comments re: abortion).

I would wait until she's more mature, or if you really feel you need to bring it up with her now, I wouldn't think it would be necessary to elaborate much beyond "before I got pregnant with you". If you don't think she'd be willing or able to discuss your trauma on your terms, she's not ready to discuss it.

Elieza · 04/04/2020 15:33

I wouldn’t mention it just now. Not necessary. All she needs to know is that you wanted to be a mum and when you found out you were delighted but worried at the same time because you were scared something might go wrong as you wanted a baby so much and you were so glad she was healthy and happy. End of story.

LouiseMastny · 04/04/2020 18:20

I'm in the same boat as you, mmc at 12 weeks then pregnant a very short time after. My daughter is only 5 months old so my DH and I have plenty of time to discuss telling her.
Personally I think it is good to be open about mc. They are so common they should be spoken about more, but perhaps specific details such as timings can be kept private.
I think we will have to tell our daughter, my PIL will bring it up otherwise, and I would rather it came from us with facts rather than with a dose of religion.
Unfortunately My MIL had been guessing that I was pregnant every few months for the previous 9 years,. That one time she happened to be correct, but instead of keeping it to herself as my DH asked, she announced it to 200+ people at a family gathering in Zimbabwe. We started receiving calls of congratulations and requests for scan pictures the day the mmc was discovered which was very difficult. It was then turned into a 'woe is us, loss of our first grandchild' misery fest and I think I will be introduced to new people in my husband's family forevermore as the one who lost the baby. God is now praised for miraculously providing them with a grandchild so soon after. Apparently we, her parents, had no involvement! Grin
So we have our hands tied a bit. I do think when I talk about it, I might want to mention how even if you don't consider the baby to be a real person, by the time you have known about it for a few months you are having to consider what a huge impact a baby will have on your life and imagining yourself as a parent. The suddenness of a mc doesn't stop you thinking like that.

Sorry, that turned out to be longer than I expected.

Bakingbaking · 04/04/2020 18:33

I actually think famies should be more open about this so as to 'normalise' it for want of a better word. I didn't know how common miscarriage was until I had one and I spoke to a friend and found out how many people had them. Before that I felt awful about it. I would talk about it. Mention it but don't make a big thing about it. But don't hide it or make it sound like it shouldn't be discussed. My kids know I had one. The eldest is about to turn 7. They accepted it and it is just a fact.

Bakingbaking · 04/04/2020 18:34

On reflection as she's 15 is there much point brining it up unless she asks? But I would still mention miscarriages in general when talking about pregnancy. Stop it being a taboo subject

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 04/04/2020 18:38

My DS is 20, he knows I've had miscarriages since having him but I didn't make a big thing of telling him, he asked once about the cherry tree in the garden that we planted after the first loss - he wanted to know why we had chosen it, just out of curiosity, so we told him. Then the other mc he knows about (although probably doesn't know how many, just that there were more than one) through being around when I have been asked if I'd have more children. I think he was about 13 or 14 when he asked about the tree.

AnnaMagnani · 04/04/2020 18:43

She may not feel about it the same way as you.

My parents had a lot of infertility problems before they had me - I always knew as my DM told me it was why I was the only one think her horrific birth trauma might have been a bigger factor

She told me about her multiple miscarriages in a very matter of fact way and I can't say I've ever viewed them as missing siblings, even when I found out I had a twin that she lost.

I just grew up thinking miscarriages were really common.

If you do have a horrific birth story however I'd think about how often you tell it as I think it's part of the reason I decided not to have children Shock

MontysOarlock · 04/04/2020 18:44

I am sorry for your loss Flowers

I think if your first pregnancy was planned then surely your DD was planned anyway? I personally would mention it but just in a matter of fact way.

I believe there is a difference between a planned and wanted pregnancy and one that may end in an abortion. I held very different views than my own Mother on this topic, one of us firmly pro-choice and one of us firmly pro-life. We still loved each other but just held different views on things. She nor I have/had never been in a situation of having an unplanned pregnancy, several of my friends have, some of them chose abortions.

It is just part of your life story. How much you want to share is up to you.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 04/04/2020 18:59

I would. My mum told me about her miscarriages. She didn't make a big deal of it. I found it sad but I wasn't very upset, and at no point did it cross my mind that she hadn't wanted me.
I think 15 is defi2mature enough to understand. If they are debating abortion at school, they are mature enough to know about miscarriage and the affect that can have on a woman, and she should be able to realise that feelings towards the loss of a wanted baby, are not the same as feelings towards an unwanted baby.

I don't know why some people who find out they weren't planned, get upset. If it didn't affect the way your parents treated you growing up, why would it matter? A large percentage of pregnancies are unplanned, probably more so years ago when contraception was frowned upon in certain religions, and wasn't as readily available.
My brother wasn't planned. My mum had given up on having another child. She fell pregnant a few years later unexpectedly. He was very much wanted, but he was still a bit miffed about that Confused so weird.

Peapod29 · 04/04/2020 19:10

I was told that my parents lost a baby before they had me, and that it had taken them a long time to conceive. I remember my dad telling me he’d cried for a week, I must have been a young teen. The same happened to me, I lost my 1st pregnancy at 12 weeks and it was quite good that I knew it was a possibility and was well prepared that things might not go to plan. I don’t see it as a big deal. I think most women will experience a MC at some point won’t they? At 15 I would expect my daughter to be mature enough to understand the basic facts of life. It’s good to be open about an experience that so many women go through. I don’t think your motive should be trying to change her views on abortion though, she’s perfectly entitled to that opinion (and reasonable imo).

BobTheDuvet · 04/04/2020 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BikeRunSki · 04/04/2020 20:31

I can’t remember not knowing that DM had a “baby who died before he was born” between me and DSis. There are 3 and a half years between us (would have been 18 months between me and the baby boy) and I certainly knew before I started primary school, because I told my class when we were talking about brothers and sisters. It’s always been part of our family life. Not in a bad way, or a secret way. Always very factual. We’ve always known about this other baby.

It was only when DSis and I were much older and having our own babies that DM ever talked about it in more detail with more emotion. I don’t think I would have known how to process that information as a teenager, or realy anytime before I had my own children.

Twinberry · 04/04/2020 20:51

I will tell my daughters about my recurrent miscarriages. Miscarriage is so common but you never know this until it happens to you. I think it’s important for the next generation of women that we break down the stigma that still exists. If it happens to my daughters I want them to know it’s ok to talk about it not something they need to hide.

duletty · 04/04/2020 21:09

My 3 children know that there was a baby between no 1 and 2. I always wanted 4. I don’t think no 2and 3 think they are substitutes for the lost baby. They are loved and know that they are precious

Slat3 · 04/04/2020 21:21

I’m not sure.
I am an only child & my mother had 3 miscarriages after me. I knew about them from an early age and I grew up thinking I wouldn’t be able to have babies or id have miscarriages.
I know they are very common but I’ve luckily had 2 babies and no miscarriages, but it did worry me & tbh if I was in that situation I wouldn’t have told my child.
It’s very difficult though because she is 15 and nearly an adult, so has a better understanding.

Yellredder · 04/04/2020 22:10

My 8 year old knows about my miscarriages. I do recall being interviewed by a reporter following them (as part of Baby Loss Awareness) and he told me he'd only found out about his own mum's miscarriages as an adult when his own wife had one and it badly affected him.

OntheWaves40 · 04/04/2020 22:17

OP I think if you can’t talk about it without crying all these years later then maybe you haven’t dealt with the grief properly and should consider counselling.
I’ve had a few MCs before having my DC and it’s not something that upsets me now. Since having my DC I was able to see there would be a huge difference between an MC and losing an actual child.

MummytoCSJH · 04/04/2020 22:23

I haven't read the full thread, just OPs posts, so sorry if I've missed anything. I was pregnant at 15 and had my son at 16. I would think 15 is certainly old enough to discuss it, but it doesn't mean you have to if you don't want to. That discussion should be about your feelings and done only in mind of how comfortable you are with giving her that information, not because she wants to know. It is your grief. Take care xx

lakeswimmer · 04/04/2020 22:23

My DM had a mc before I was born. I'm the youngest and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been born if that baby had lived. However, its never bothered me and didn't/doesn't make me feel any less loved. In a way it makes me feel lucky to be here.

MummytoCSJH · 04/04/2020 22:24

Forgot to add - these topics are taboo because people continue to not talk about them. Not that you should/shouldn't but if you feel you want to you shouldn't feel like you are upsetting or pressuring or burdening her. You should be allowed to freely talk about it, if you choose to xx

sadmumbecauseofson · 04/04/2020 22:26

No

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