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Original poster

Should I tell DD about Mc before she was born?

90 replies

Hoppinggreen · 04/04/2020 13:26

DD15 sometimes asks about the circumstances around her conception/birth/why we chose her name etc. All normal and I answer but what I don’t tell her is that I had a mmc at 12 weeks and then got pg completely unexpectedly with her 1 week later. I don’t mean should I sit her down or make a big announcement but today she asked me if we had planned to have her and also when did we choose her name. If I was being completely honest I would have to mention the Mc but I can answer truthfully without doing so. She was discussing abortion laws the other day (debating it in RS at school) and she said that until it’s born a baby isn’t a real person, I don’t blame her for her view but I almost said something at that point as my lost baby was real to me and I still do mourn him/her.
Is it something she should know? I don’t suppose she needs to but sometimes I feel like I’m covering something up
My big concern is if she thinks that if I hadn’t lost that baby she wouldn’t be here (true) and she doesn’t like big displays of emotion and I’m sure I would end up crying if I told her. I wouldn’t make a big thing about it or anything but it came up in a conversation that she had not been born in our closest hospital and when she asked why I told her we felt the care would be better when the truth was that they were so useless when I had my mc that I ended up going private for my subsequent treatment and when I found out I was pg again I was so traumatised I couldnt bear to go anywhere near the maternity there again.
Obviously I would have any discussions in an age appropriate way but I feel it’s an important part of my/our lives so maybe I should be totally honest
Any opinions welcome

OP posts:

LisaSimpsonsbff · 05/04/2020 09:43

I 100% agree with this post I've had 2 miscarriages and would never tell my children unless they go through the pain themselves. Why would I make them feel sad and upset when it's avoidable? It's my pain and sadness to keep not theirs.

Totally up to you, but I actually was very glad that I knew my mum had had a miscarriage before I had my first one - it made it a lot easier to talk to her about it. Friends who I told about my miscarriages have then sought me out when they had their own. I'm not actually a big fan of the widespread idea that miscarriage is a big shameful secret that you only tell other women about it you know that they've also joined the club.

The comments judging OP for getting pregnant again too quickly are absolutely horrible, but so are the ones insinuating that she's somehow too upset about it. It shows how you can never win - however you react someone will accuse you of being hysterical and someone else will accuse of you being cold. Again, I think we'd all be more accepting of the wide range of emotional responses if we were more open about miscarriage in the first place.

Tonyaster · 05/04/2020 10:02

I'm not actually a big fan of the widespread idea that miscarriage is a big shameful secret that you only tell other women about it you know that they've also joined the club

I'm certainly not ashamed. Everyone handles things differently, as is their right.

Escapeistheonlyoption · 05/04/2020 10:10

Why risk giving her survivor guilt?

Lynda07 · 05/04/2020 10:11

Why tell her anything other than you were glad to be pregnant with her and have her?

LightenUpSummer · 05/04/2020 10:27

No one's judging OP for getting pregnant again so soon, that's the whole point - her DD was a surprise and that (imo) needs to be explained to her carefully, if at all.

The puppy comment was a concern how the DD might possibly feel, not a judgement of OP.

She was wanted but not exactly planned, and I've known some people who have been quite upset by finding that out.

Inforthelonghaul · 05/04/2020 11:00

DD9 has known for a long time that I had a Mc between her and her older siblings and it’s never bothered her. She once sat me down and explained that because we were so sad at losing a baby she’d known this because she was in my tummy waiting her turn and it had made her all the more determined to be born even though it hadn’t been easy. I had a difficult pregnancy with her and this felt like a strange conversation to be having but she’s always said things that feel a little bit woo at times.

BlingLoving · 05/04/2020 11:28

To be honest, I didn't even realise people kept this secret from their children. There's a big gap between me and my brother and I have always known it's because my mum had 3 miscarriages between us. It was always just matter of fact and no big deal. And the point was that my parents always made it clear they wanted me. When I had my own dc mum was a bit more open about how she had felt at the time of the miscarriages but not in a "I wish I still had that baby and grieve it" kind of way.

I think if you are the type who thinks of those miscarriages years later as babies and celebrate their birthdays etc then perhaps you shouldn't mention to your dc. But for most people, the pain fades, especially after you do carry one or more children to term. Certainly, that was always the way my mum positioned it for us.

I also agree that mc needs to be less hidden. Too many women are devastated and shocked when it happens to them because people don't talk about it.

Chiyo666 · 05/04/2020 11:32

I would! My my told me about her miscarrying twins before I was born. It made it much easier to go to her when I had my own miscarriage, and miscarriage has never been a taboo subject for me because it’s always been something that we talked about. I’ll be telling my daughters, and I’ll also tell them about my abortion.
Lots of 15 year old are having sex. If they end up pregnant I’d rather them be fully equipped with the knowledge of every possible outcome of the pregnancy.

Whoareyoudududu · 05/04/2020 12:09

I know a woman who had a stillbirth so obviously different from a MC but she got pregnant two months after the stillbirth and that baby survived. The child lives in the shadows of the stillborn baby, she has a shrine to said baby and a teddy she takes with them everywhere. Days out are always about her, the first baby and the living child. I think she conceived too quickly and didn’t give herself enough chance to grieve. Feel very sorry for the second child who always seems to be overshadowed by the stillborn baby.

It’s an odd one. I also had two MMC’s before my DS was born but I don’t think I’d tell him, not until he’s an adult I reckon and only if it was relevant in some way.

Lardlizard · 05/04/2020 12:44

Wow some very strbge thinking out loud on this thread, I agree with Lisa Simpson
If any oth the other millions of spent reached the egg first then they would be here either....
It’s just a fact

mamasiz · 05/04/2020 12:47

I’ve always known about my older brother, who was stillborn. I can’t actually remember my mum telling me - I’ve just always known. I always consider him my brother and include him when anyone asks how many siblings I have. I think it’s ok for you to have the conversation with your daughter - 15 is old enough to know in my opinion, I’d you wish her to know.

Wacadu · 05/04/2020 12:52

My teens knew when they were very young. We sometimes talk about their big brother or sister and they are fully aware that things would have been so different if the mc hadn't happened, but they're fine with it.

1300cakes · 05/04/2020 13:05

I've always known my mum had a mc before me. Although of course I felt sad that my parents went through that sad experience, it didn't upset me in an existential way. No, "I" wouldn't be here if that first pregnancy had gone to term, but "I" also wouldn't be here if something good had been on TV that night causing parents have sex a day later. You just can't think of it that way.

I'm glad I know as it's a part of their life.

Also I wouldn't worry about her thinking she was an "accident". Surely in retrospect she could be described as a welcome surprise, bringing hope after a sad time.

12345ct · 05/04/2020 16:31

*LiasSimpsonbff
*
Its not a shameful secret it's a painful memory that I want to spare my children from unless they have their own experience with miscarriage.

SouthWestmom · 05/04/2020 16:43

I seem really out of step with people on this thread.
I had a life before children and loads of it I haven't shared in detail. It's never occurred to me that they would need to know anything like this and some of it I will never tell them.
Siblings that died, yes I'd tell, adopted out, criminal record that impacted now - headline stuff yes.
Maybe it's how you view or feel about it? I don't see my miscarriages as anything other than a failed pregnancy and have no emotions about them - I know that's not the same for others.

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