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Original poster

When one friend in a group dislikes you

77 replies

Tinyteddy · 04/04/2020 09:43

I'm part of a group of 5 friends, all of whom have known each other for 10+ years from our university days. I consider the other 4 to be of my closest friends and we have strong one-on-one friendships, however there is one person in the group who I'm fairly sure dislikes me. I'm not overly fond of her either but I do my best not to show it and try to be as supportive and friendly as I can be in group settings.

Because we live some distance apart a lot of our communication is through a WhatsApp group and I've noticed whenever I say anything this person ignores me or pretends I haven't said anything. It's similar when we get together in person, I feel she (whether consciously or unconsciously) leaves me out of conversations, interrupts me when I speak or just doesn't listen and makes it quite obvious she's not interested in what I have to say by checking her phone. She has quite a loud, forceful personality whereas I'm more quiet and reserved and I've often felt intimidated in her presence.

The upshot of this is that despite the fact that I get on really well with the other people in the group, I often leave get-togethers feeling quite deflated and I rarely say anything in the WhatsApp group now. I'm sure the others have noticed the dynamic between us but no one's ever said anything. I get the sense that others in the group also have found her a bit difficult at times but for a group of supposed best friends this dynamic makes me feel really uncomfortable.

Has anyone ever experienced this? Part of me thinks I should opt out of the group stuff but I also feel a bit sad that I'm allowing this one person to make me feel this way when I get on so well with the others.

OP posts:
Bezalelle · 04/04/2020 09:46

Ask her in front of the others WTF is her problem!

Original poster
Tinyteddy · 04/04/2020 09:50

She'd probably tear me to bits if I did that! She's very opinionated and sure of herself. I almost get the sense she's a bit jealous that although I'm not loud or the centre of the group ever, I have close friendships on an individual level with the others. I know she was fuming when one asked me to give a speech at her wedding and she wasn't given a role.

OP posts:
Beerincomechampagnetastes · 04/04/2020 09:50

I’m sorry for you op. There’s not really much you can do about people like this- there’s an old Russian proverb,

Be careful when you wrestle with a pig, bystanders can’t tell who the pig is, and the pig enjoys it.

I would completely remove myself but keep contact with the other three.

YouJustDoYou · 04/04/2020 09:51

Is she 12?

Goingunderground2 · 04/04/2020 09:55

You have my support it's a hard situation, I ask myself the same questions with my group. :(

TidaQuel · 04/04/2020 10:05

Similar situation here too. Although we are all friends because our dcs are in the same class at school. Two of them are very opinionated, one will just do whatever she thinks these two want her to do. A few times comments were made that were directed against me, well my dc. I commented back not realising I was being goaded, so not reacting in a bad way. I came to realise and stopped engaging with the group chat, I couldn’t cope with that and a stressful job. Only one of the group has ever contacted me to see how I am. The others will say hello if I see them, but the opinionated pair totally blank me. I figure I ruined their fun.

cantmovewont · 04/04/2020 10:18

Hi,

I can often react like your friend if I think someone has a problem with me. That said, it's her problem not yours. Maybe you should try to just ignore her (non) reaction to you. You're putting your enjoyment of the get together/chats in her hands. Try to let go of it.

I'm not great socially and tend to massively overthink things and letting go has helped me. I'm sorry she makes you feel like this.

Pogmella · 04/04/2020 10:47

I had the same situation and I chose to leave the group.

After my divorce she hosted Exh and his girlf (who was a colleague and the OW) for dinner, inviting the other friends along too.

I called them all out on it and she refused to acknowledge this could be at all hurtful and basically tore strips off me. I decided to go NC with her and LC with the rest as it was doing my head in second guessing if they were all meeting up without me following having been cheated on and lied to for months.

springydaff · 04/04/2020 11:03

It's bullying op. She's bullying you.

Ime when you stand up to a bully and they're quite shocked and don't actually kick off but go quiet. But I know it's not easy. You have to do it from a lofty position, not powerless and frightened. After all, they're all mouth and no trousers, make a lot of noise but underneath there isn't much. Good luck Flowers

springydaff · 04/04/2020 11:05

That's appalling Pog!!

Ditch them forever, treacherous vipers Angry

Puckishly · 04/04/2020 11:14

It's simply very unlikely that, of a group of five 'supposed best friends', everyone will be equally fond of all four of the others -- that's a lot of different individual dynamics.

You don't like her, she doesn't like you. You deal with it differently -- you seem to deal with this by trying to behave as though you do like her when you interact for the sake of group harmony, while she doesn't pretend to have any great interest in you, and concentrates on her relationships with the other four. You sound as though you feel she is higher up on the pecking order in the group than you.

You're unhappy with the status quo, but you don't want to challenge her. What would you like to happen? What would your ideal outcome be?

Original poster
Tinyteddy · 04/04/2020 11:40

Pog, that's awful. You're better off without those 'friends'.

@Puckishly I don't expect her to gush over me or feign enthusiasm at my presence but I expect a basic level of politeness and not to be talked over or ignored constantly. It feels like bullying and excluding, really, because she knows I'm not the loudest/most confident in a group setting.

OP posts:
Pogmella · 04/04/2020 13:01

Thanks @Tinyteddy and @springydaff! That’s what everyone not in the ‘group’ says. Ppl in the group tell me I’m very emotional and damaged and if I give it time I’ll see how crazy I am and how reasonable their position is... which is really hard to hear all the time. It was very inconvenient for them that my marriage broke down, they were unwilling to let it affect them at all. Unfortunately I was unable to continue absorbing more hurt to save them losing a few dinner dates with my Exh.

OP if your group get like that and basically gaslight you I really would consider what you’re actually getting from it. It was very sad to step away and I do miss some of them but it became clear they were keener on preserving ‘the uni group’ and all that nostalgia more than they were individual members’ emotional well being.

Pogmella · 04/04/2020 13:02

Though in general terms if someone blanks me I just go super nice and smiley and compliment them a lot- if they’re blanking me intentionally they then need to grit their teeth and be polite back and if they’re shy they come out of their shell Smile

CollaborativeBee · 04/04/2020 13:09

Oh my God, I've just posted a very similar thing. It's so depressingly common! Why is there always one, spoiling it? I think some women are competitive in the wrong way. The one who is doing this to me is competitive in a way that would make it seem like affection is a limited resource and that if anybody has any for me, there'll be less for her. It's such bullshit!

One thing that was helpful for me was to read articles online confirming that it is bullying. Also, no point discussing it with people. I know that i'm not paranoid but I am intuitive. And being asked with a head tilt if I could have been imagining it just made me feel so much worse. So trust yourself.

Then I decided to step away. For a while anyway. I'm using this time to do a lot of research. On relational aggression, but also adlerian psychology. (just something I want to look in to further, nothing to do with what's going on in the relatives whatsapp group).

I will go back to the whatsapp group in time. And if it happens again, well, I will just ask her outright is she not absolutely mortified to carry on like that.

CollaborativeBee · 04/04/2020 13:13

@Pogmella yes, I agree with that approach. Nobody in this situation should square up for gaslighting. ''are you sure? could you have misinterpreted that?''.

Step away. It has to be enough that you know what's going on. You do know! You don't need anybody else to see it to know it's true. These women deliberately behave in a way that is appropriate on the surface.

ReturnofSaturn · 04/04/2020 13:14

That's a good proverb beer.
And usually ends up being very true unfortunately in my experience.

I would just continue to be perfectly nice and cordial with her. You want to look like the reasonable one to the others.

But please don't let her stop you from participating in the group chat etc that will be what she wants!!

CtrlU · 04/04/2020 13:16

It’s a form of bullying and personally I would put a stop to it otherwise she will continue to behave this way

CollaborativeBee · 04/04/2020 13:26

@Puckishly

interesting view there. And potentially helpful to me trying to understand where my ''wendy'' could me coming from being simultaneously so ice cold to me and so effusively warm to all others in the group. I do understand that people do all like each other equally, and I don't either, but still I feel that my basic personality is consistent, ykwim?

CollaborativeBee · 04/04/2020 13:26

I love that Russian proverb!

Doingtheboxerbeat · 04/04/2020 13:30

You have to ask why your mutual friends are ignoring something so obvious. There are some good people out there who love their arsehole mates and can tolerate their abusive behaviour but can still call them out when they are blatantly being awful to others. These so called friends don't sound like them.

Crackerofdoom · 04/04/2020 13:32

One way to deal with it is to have a pretext for creating another group with just the others in it and just start using that group for other stuff.

Or start having more direct contact with the others. Send them personal messages. If your only communication is in a group, it can hinder the closeness of each individual friendship.

HaudMaDug · 04/04/2020 13:34

@Beerincomechampagnetastes summed it up well with the pig proverb upthread.
You don't need to be the loudest or most confident you just need to have the most dignity.
What ever you do, don't get involved in a bitchfest behind her back with any of your other friends about this as they will inevitably take your opinion back to her.
Be the bigger person and don't bite just rise above and ignore. Easier said than done but the only mature response.

CollaborativeBee · 04/04/2020 13:39

Yes, I wonder why others in the group don't see it

I agree with @crackerofdoom, start sending individual messages on days that have meaning to you.

@Puckishly interpreted OP's post as her seeing herself beneath the bully on the pecking order. I can't speak for the OP but in my case, I didn't approach the group with any expectation that there'd be an order so I didn't have a view on my place! Not within a group of relatives fgs!! I approached it with the subconscious expectation that it's a group free from any hierarchical structure. But these Wendy type women do not view life in a collaborative way.

WiryTail · 04/04/2020 13:40

I have a similar situation on a work WhatsApp group.
If I post something, 9/10 nobody will reply.
If one of the others do, the rest are falling over themselves with gushing chat and emojis.
I read but hardly post these days.

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