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Original poster

When one friend in a group dislikes you

77 replies

Tinyteddy · 04/04/2020 09:43

I'm part of a group of 5 friends, all of whom have known each other for 10+ years from our university days. I consider the other 4 to be of my closest friends and we have strong one-on-one friendships, however there is one person in the group who I'm fairly sure dislikes me. I'm not overly fond of her either but I do my best not to show it and try to be as supportive and friendly as I can be in group settings.

Because we live some distance apart a lot of our communication is through a WhatsApp group and I've noticed whenever I say anything this person ignores me or pretends I haven't said anything. It's similar when we get together in person, I feel she (whether consciously or unconsciously) leaves me out of conversations, interrupts me when I speak or just doesn't listen and makes it quite obvious she's not interested in what I have to say by checking her phone. She has quite a loud, forceful personality whereas I'm more quiet and reserved and I've often felt intimidated in her presence.

The upshot of this is that despite the fact that I get on really well with the other people in the group, I often leave get-togethers feeling quite deflated and I rarely say anything in the WhatsApp group now. I'm sure the others have noticed the dynamic between us but no one's ever said anything. I get the sense that others in the group also have found her a bit difficult at times but for a group of supposed best friends this dynamic makes me feel really uncomfortable.

Has anyone ever experienced this? Part of me thinks I should opt out of the group stuff but I also feel a bit sad that I'm allowing this one person to make me feel this way when I get on so well with the others.

OP posts:
Pondskimmer · 05/04/2020 22:23

I’m not in the least suggesting the OP is ‘imagining it’, and nothing I’ve said has so much as hinted at that. You have misread my posts entirely if you think that.

What I am saying is that this is a situation involving mutual dislike. The other person clearly has no compunction in not concealing her lack of interest in the OP, and clearly thinks (apparently correctly, by the OP’s account, as none of the others have intervened) that this rudeness will not jeopardise her position in the group. The OP, correctly or not, feels she can’t challenge her, and is the quietest and least confident of the group when it’s all together. If she felt more confident in a group setting, she might feel able to challenge the ‘friend’.

It sounds to me as if the OP and some commenters on the thread are demonising the unpleasant woman as if she’s the sole bad guy, rather than acknowledge the fact that, if this constitutes bullying, three other people who are the OP’s supposed best friends, and with whom she has strong individual relationships, are passively colluding in it. Which is in many ways a much more difficult fact to face.

Pondskimmer · 05/04/2020 22:25

Sorry, x-posted with you, OP. Let me say again that I don’t think you’re imagining this, it’s more a matter of how you frame it to yourself, and what you feel able to do about it.

springydaff · 05/04/2020 22:32

Pond! You dont get it!

Look and learn. You're lucky if you haven't experienced it.

CollaborativeBee · 05/04/2020 22:35

well, yeh, it's shit that the bystanders do nothing.

Because I've been on the receiving end of this twice, I wouldn't observe it and do nothing.

springydaff · 05/04/2020 22:39

well, yeh, it's shit that the bystanders do nothing

Par for the course when a toxic individual is involved. Who strikes fear in all involved.

Not to excuse them though. But it's understandable.

Pondskimmer · 05/04/2020 22:47

This reply has been deleted

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morriseysquif · 05/04/2020 23:02

I would be as naked with the others for letting this one friend treat you like this. It isn't enough that you have strong 1:1 relationships, they should all have your back in the group when you are being bullied.

Thing is, if you never say anything, how will they know? If you continue to let this one person ride roughshod over you, you carry on feeling crap and they carry on getting their little triumphs and life continues for the rest of group who get what they need from it.

I bet they are all glad it's not them she has her claws into. Do you think anybody actually likes her?

Start standing up for yourself. If this person derails the conversation on Whatsapp, then do a reply and say, I think we were still discussing abc with a nice emoji, with humour if it helps but just don't let them do it anymore.

morriseysquif · 05/04/2020 23:02

*narked. !!!

CollaborativeBee · 05/04/2020 23:29

This is about workplace bullying and it refers to it as being ''iced out'' but it's still helpful and it talks about bystanders.

If you can't face listening to the whole thing, he suggests being clear that you need help. ie, don't let your four other friends all assume that somebody else will challenge the bully. Let them all know that this is happening to you and you need their help. Tell them they are ''bystanders'' (to trigger a feeling of responsibility) and that you need their help to make sure you're not iced out.

Even if they do nothing (immediately) they will have more awareness that you're being ignored.

It also suggests asking others ''has this happened to you? what strategy did you use to avoid being excluded?''.

It will have happened to at least one of the others.

Mydogatemypurse · 05/04/2020 23:33

Its bullying. She knows exactly what she is doing. Pathetic for a grown woman. Font leave the chat but back off in it. If you need to chat to others on a one to one phone them and domt get Involved in any drama.

JackiFazaki · 06/04/2020 00:44

I've just left a WhatsApp group. Very similar experiences.
I used to meet in a small group for people with a long term physical health condition run by a charity.

When the self isolation started, we moved to a WhatsApp. It's clear to me reading this thread, that I am not going mad. Same behaviour from one person. It's not a support for me any longer, so I've just dropped out and let the person who wants it to be all about them, get on with it.

springydaff · 06/04/2020 03:08

Sadly, it usually is the case that the wendy wins and their target has to back out.

So dark!

Original poster
Tinyteddy · 06/04/2020 08:54

The thing is, I'm not sure the others in the group really like her that much either. I do get the sense they find her quite full-on but obviously no one wants to do anything about it and as I say, they all have quite strong personalities too. She's quite possessive of the friend whose wedding I spoke at too and I think it bothers her that we have a close relationship.

I will definitely try to be more assertive on the group chat to begin with.

OP posts:
ArthurDentsSpaceTowel · 06/04/2020 09:05

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if you tried the 'Aldi approach' (best attempted if you're not NT I have to admit).

Basically, you're only friends with people you like and who like you, otherwise why bother with nights out with someone who ruins it for you. So what would happen if after one too many of her put-downs, you glared at her and said, 'You really don't like me very much, do you? Well, it's mutual. I like the rest of you, but not you.'

In a sane world, you would then continue to meet up with the people you did like and have no contact with the one you didn't. The 'group' is of no importance. The 'group' does not exist. Of course, your other friends may decide this is an either/or situation and that they like her better than you. In which case, do you like them anymore either?

(The above may explain why I've never really got group friendships and prefer seeing people in ones and twos.)

CollaborativeBee · 06/04/2020 13:33

That suggestion would cast you in the role of perpetrator though. If you arrange to go out with the 3 u like but exclude the one who doesntlike you.

ArthurDentsSpaceTowel · 06/04/2020 14:06

Collaborative this is why I. Will. Never. understand these dynamics. Who does the casting? Who is the casting director? And why should I be in a bloody play anyway? Friendships aren't about that.

Which is why I was never in groups in the first place. I would be a dreadful politician. Seriously, though, I doubt there's much sensible alternative to forcing the issue here. If NotFriend is in charge here then the rest aren't friends either and OP is going to be seen as some sort of villain/saddo whatever she does, or doesn't, do. So the most dignified thing to do is to walk away quietly and see if her other friends are women or mice. I can hear the squeaks from here...

CollaborativeBee · 06/04/2020 18:52

Well, you can't just suddenly announce ''from now on, we 3 will meet up, but not the one who's mean to me, she can stay at home''.

It just wouldn't work out.

I don't think walking away is much of a solution. Given that in that study I linked upthread, the percentage of bystanders who are aware and do nothing is 0.8%

There were common sense reasons for this, instinctive reasons.

So I don't think it's practical to cast aside a group of friends because they didn't take a stand.

It's happening to me at the moment and I'm taking a break. The break will clear my head and it is doing me good but I'm not just walking away from 19 cousins because one of them cannot bring herself not to intentionally exclude me.

For most people, they're going to want some sort of middle ground between change and lot losing the friends they do like.

Pogmella · 06/04/2020 20:21

I’ve walked away and this thread has made me realise that maybe in time I could approach the two that said nothing and say I wanted to meet up. They both sent me birthday cards recently and clearly still care. If they wouldn’t stand up to her they won’t stand up to me either!

CollaborativeBee · 07/04/2020 07:46

I walked away too. I feel better. But also sad that it came to me walking away from all of the others too. Like all bullies, she doesnt think im brave enough to stand up to her and she may get a shock. She will open her front door one day and i will be standing on the doorstep. My goal will not be to have a row. I will listen, if she has anything to say but maybe she will have nothing to say.. she did it for fun. Kiss up, kick down. And im "down" she thinks. We see the world in a similar way i think but we see ourselves and our place in the world very differently. Clearly!

Downunderduchess · 07/04/2020 08:06

I do exactly what @Pogmella said. If they are being horrible it only makes them look bad. I just continue as I am. Also, I would ignore them if we are ever alone, no need to interact.

MsTSwift · 07/04/2020 08:10

Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water and lose a whole group because of one snooty bint. Don’t give her headspace. Be polite and civil. You don’t like everyone not everyone likes you. That’s life. I know as I have one too. She’s too smart to be actually mean to me though so my other friends are blissfully unaware and I’d like to keep it that way.

Welcometothequiz · 07/04/2020 11:15

She sounds very possessive

CollaborativeBee · 11/04/2020 09:09

I also watched her clip about anger and it made some sense of what's going on (finally)

CollaborativeBee · 11/04/2020 09:12

I found these very useful.

tellmetostopbutikeepongoing · 11/04/2020 09:18

Yes! One of the girls I lived with throughout university. I swear as soon as she set eyes on me she had it in for me. I started to feel a bit paranoid, didn't understand why - still don't! She would find excuses to fall out with me and do crazy stuff when she was drunk like bash into my wall to wake me up (rooms next to each other). We'd 'make up' but it was always so obvious she still hated me. Gave up in the end, I think you have to. Kept my distance as much as possible when living with someone, then when uni finished I stayed close friends with 1 person and the others plus my nemesis stayed friends! In your situation I'd avoid her and have an honest conversation with someone else in the group who you're close to. It's sounds like they'd understand!

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