A joke a day to keep the darkness away!

[DisinfectantDoris]

Reading some threads during the awful situation we're all in together and I thought maybe a joke thread, literally just jokes/ joke stories, all in one place might be useful for some?

I'll start...and (hopefully not end at the same time 🙄😂)...

"Someone stole my antidepressants, whoever they are I hope their happy"

"What cheese can never be yours?...Nacho cheese"

I might have seen this on another mn thread.

child 1: I'm bored, I changed all the stickers on Mum's spice rack
child 2: Has she noticed yet?
child 1: Nope, but the thyme is cumin

I dont get the cheese one :(

We went to the zoo.
There was only one animal - a dog.
It was a shitzui.

There are 2 fish in a tank
One turns to the other and says 'hey, how do you drive this thing?'

Two parrots sitting on a perch, one says to the other "Can you smell something fishy?"

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger in the supermarket and asked him where the toilet rolls were.
He said, “Aisle B. Back.”

A nun looks out the window and sees birds all over the gardens. She rushes out and flaps her arms saying "fuck off, fuck off, fuck off". The abbess rushes out and says "sister you can't go out saying that. You must go out and say shoo shoo shoo and they fuck off just the same"

Him: Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
Her: I would, but you're never there.

The Nun and Orgasm ones made me chuckle out loud!!!

@flatpack1 Nacho cheese = not your cheese

"Someone stole my Microsoft Office Package - they're going to pay, you have my Word...!"

My GP said I could have a coronavirus test if I paid for it, but I refused to cough up.

I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom".

It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.

Why was the office floor wet? Because the typist.

A man walks into the office with his new flask. Everyone is intrigued and asks what it is.
"It's a flask, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"What's in it?" someone asks.
"Two cups of tea and a choc ice"

Where do you find a duck with no feet? Where you left it!

I love shit jokes

The sun is looking a bit off-colour lately. NASA scientists suspect it has corona virus.

Meatloaf has split up with his accountant girlfriend !!
Apparently she'll do anything for love but she won't do VAT !!

I've been blocked by Gary Barlow on here...
Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn’t mean it...

I’ve just been to Tesco and seen a bloke buying 4 crates of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 3 sombreros and I thought to myself..........Hispanic buying

My wife yelled from upstairs, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it with pins?"
Sounding concerned, I replied "No."
She responded, "How about now?"

Great light-hearted thread to cheer us up at a time like this.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Follow the fresh prints.

My grandparents were called Pearl and Dean. We never called them that of course, we called them "grandma and papapapapapapapapapapapa"

Kalim8 Brilliant!

My children are not taking self-isolation well. One week in and they keep going up to the front door and screaming when I try to explain.

Oh well, only one more week and I can let them back in the house.

😂 These are brilliant!!! Keep em coming!

Loved your Hispanic buying @Chesterfuckingdrorrs !!!!

There are some great ones!!!

"I ran out of toilet paper and had to start using old newspapers. Times are rough."

In getting a Chinese takeaway. Not from The Specials menu - you always get too much foo yung.

"My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant that when I pee I clean the toilet!" 😂

Chester specially loved the voodoo one

and thanks to BitchyKid I have now spent the entire morning walking round singing:

"married with a kid when she should've been having fun with meeeee"

"Just seen the news this morning and it was talking about the stresses and strains of self isolation. It reported that people are going crazy from being in lock down! .. It was strange, actually, because I had just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she always has to put a different spin on everything, and certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant.."

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

"I’m a lesbian." said the young woman, "I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."