A joke a day to keep the darkness away!

[DisinfectantDoris]

Reading some threads during the awful situation we're all in together and I thought maybe a joke thread, literally just jokes/ joke stories, all in one place might be useful for some?

I'll start...and (hopefully not end at the same time 🙄😂)...

"Someone stole my antidepressants, whoever they are I hope their happy"

"What cheese can never be yours?...Nacho cheese"

Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague😂

Why did the condom fly through the air?
Because it got pissed off.

What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.

Two convicts are working on a chain gang. "I heard the warden's daughter up and married a guy down on cellblock D," the first con says to the other. "The warden's mighty upset about it too."

"Why?" asks the second prisoner. "Because she married a con?"

"No. Because they eloped."

I went to Australia last year. When I arrived they thoroughly searched my baggage and then asked if I had a criminal record. I said “Is one still necessary?”

What do you call a vampire antelope?
Vlad the impala

How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

My neighbour has been playing non-stop Andy Williams, Bing Crosby and Perry Como records.

I think he's got Crooner-virus.

1. Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
2. I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
3. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
4. Couldn't decide where to go for Easter ---- The Living Room or The Bedroom.
5. Every few days I try my jeans on to make sure they still fit.
6. Homeschooling is going well, 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
7. I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks, we'd go from GMT to the Twilight Zone.
8. This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog, and we laughed a lot.
9. So, after this quarantine... will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?
10. Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called "THE KITCHEN". You have to gather all ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
11. My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
12. Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
13. I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
14. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Living Room.
15. Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
16. Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year" ... I'm offended.
17. Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.

Why did George Michael have chocolate on his face?
He was careless with his Wispa

Why was the students report card wet?
It was below C level

We're all Sith now.
Staying In The House.

Are we breaking the rules every day we leave the house for excersise and "lock-up" 😂