A joke a day to keep the darkness away!

[DisinfectantDoris]

Reading some threads during the awful situation we're all in together and I thought maybe a joke thread, literally just jokes/ joke stories, all in one place might be useful for some?

I'll start...and (hopefully not end at the same time 🙄😂)...

"Someone stole my antidepressants, whoever they are I hope their happy"

"What cheese can never be yours?...Nacho cheese"

Why do men produce quite so many sperm each time?

Because none of them are prepared to ask directions

I went to a job interview and they asked me if I could perform under pressure. I said I was a bit disappointed as I had prepared Bohemian Rhapsody but I would give it a try...

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day, his horse shining with sweat. The townsman watched as he slowly dismounted and tied his horse to the rail outside the saloon. The cowboy then walked slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, parted its cheeks and planted a big kiss right where the sun don't shine.
As he walked by on his way into the saloon for a well-earned drink, the townsman had to comment. "I couldn’t help but notice you as you got off your horse. That's quite an unusual ritual you got there mister."
"Yep," replied the cowboy. "Bin out in the desert for days - I got me some real bad chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" asked the townsman.
"Nope, but it sure as hell keeps me from lickin' em."

MarkTwain:
"Politicians and diapers must be changed often and for the same reason."
.......
Q: "How you make a small fortune from space exploration?"
A: "Start with a large one.”
........
“It is said that despite its many glaring (and occasionally fatal) inaccuracies,
the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy itself has outsold the Encyclopedia Galactica

because it is slightly cheaper,
and because it has the words 'DON'T PANIC' in large, friendly letters on the cover.”

I got run over by a steam train last week.

I was chuffed to bits.

Now Keir Starmer is Labour leader, is he going to practise socialist distancing?

How did the doctor cure the invisible man?
He took him to the ICU

I thought I'd just come on here to tell everyone that tomorrow there's a plan to all clap in recognition of delivery drivers.

The time could be any time between 9am and 5pm.

Love that @DadDadDad! 😂

Englishman Irishman & Scotsman all talking about what’s the fastest thing on Earth.
‘Lightening’.said the Englishman.
‘Electricity.’ Said the Scotsman.
‘You’re both wrong said the Irish man. ‘Shit, Shit is the fastest thing on Earth.’
‘Why’s that then’? The Scotsman asked.
‘Because when I was going to the bathroom, I shit myself before I could turn the bloody light on!’

these jokes are not persistent in the manner a culture informing castlke thge way they are conveniently conveyed

A month before my grandfather died, my grandmother covered his back in lard. He went downhill pretty quickly after that.

Bloke took his dog to the vet.
"What's wrong with him ?" the vet asked.
"he's cross eyed"
The vet examined the animal and after a while said
"you 're right ,he is cross eyed I' m going to have to put him down "
" Why ? because he's cross eyed?"
" No because he's heavy"

Why did the baker have smelly hands?
He kneaded a 💩

Did you hear that the inventor of autocorrect died?
I didn't even know he was I'll.

What would Darth Vader order in a French patisserie?
Pain, pain, pain, tarte tatin, tarte tatin.

Ds1 told me this one.
Mummy, will you remember me for ever?
Me - yes of course!
Him - knock knock
Me - who's there?
Him - you've forgotten me already!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Beats
Beats who?
Beats me

Grandpa on his deathbed asks Grandma - "Of our four wonderful sons, I've always wondered, is our youngest son really mine?" Grandma says, "yes, I swear on my life, he is yours." Grandpa dies happy. Grandma turns to the doctor and says, "thank god he didn't ask me about the other three."

My neighbour recently bought a BMW, a Volkswagen, 2 Fords, a Toyota and a Chrysler...
I think he's got the car-owners virus

Q: Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A: They don’t have time.

I love these! Will read them all out to DH tomorrow!

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil

Don't worry the coronavirus won't last long it was made in China! 😂

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?

Justice Fingers...

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese, and there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or my older brother Colin. Or possibly my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.